MLMR

Blowing steam off. Had a sucky week. Some things happened at work and I dont know how to act on them. Some family matters on top of that et voila ... This month is harder than the 9th. I keep having these thoughts and memories, where my brain goes like, ah screw it. Ofcourse, I wont. But it pisses me off to be at this point and have these stupid brainfarts. I just want to be done with it. I dont want to miss my clean lungs. I dont want to light one after another and feel guilty all the time. I dont want to die while riding my bike or hiking, because of oxygen lack. It will be better again. I will make it past this stage, just as I did before. This is what it is for now, but change is on the way.

Mona! What happened?

Had the strangest week. First of, the surgery went fine and my mother is doing ok. Waiting for further results to come in next tursday. They, the doctors and nurses, are fast and professional and they have taken good care of her so far. Smoking played a huge role in many of my thoughts and memories, for 4 or 5 days. I suspect the hospital visits triggered something old. At some point I even 'longed' for smoking, or so I thought... dismissing these thoughts didnt always do the trick. Working through them partly solved it. And then, last friday during a super bad mood, I had one of these moments where things just click and make sense (again). 'Better just accept it for what it is'. Sounds so simple and cliché, but honestly, it was bliss to realise once again that fighting whatever is presenting itself will not do the trick and will, in fact, make matters worse. I can have a thousand thoughts about smoking, but I wont light up. Thoughts are just that: thoughts. Because, in the end not lighting up is ALL that matters. Last night I dreamt I smoked. As soon as I woke up, I knew it was just a dream and I am as smokefree as yesterday. Though it is a bit weird to have had such an addiction-dominated week... I am once again very grateful for not giving in. And for being this far in my quit proces.

Just brought my mom to the hospital for her surgery. And now... having like a thousand smokey memories. What do I need right now? Acknoledge that i feel a bit scared. Knowing that hospitals are yet unconquered triggers. Breath. I will not let this get a hold of me. 9+ months. I will keep going no matter what.

Doreen, I am so sorry. Must be so heartbreaking after loving him and taking care of him for so long. Take really good care of yourself and let others do that for you as well, dear Doreen!

Woohoo, congrats on your first month, well done! How are you doing?

Surprised by a strong cigarette-hot sunny day- pattern thought. Hush! So, note to self: Imagine the hot days where you were too short of breath to actually feel good. Remember the summer nights were you smoked so much while cursing yourself for throwing away all that money and for deliberately f*cking up your breathing. Think back at all those cigarettes you hated smoking but had too anyway. And how about dull stale cigarette stench that always seemed to rise from the couch/car/jackets in the hall as soon as the weather grew hotter? Yeah, exactly. Bye pattern, you dont fool me at nine months!

Yes, yes!! Thanks! 9 months - yet another magic milestone. Here I am, 9 months away from my last cigarette! Proud, happy, sleeping better than ever. Me and anxiety have an understanding and I do pretty well with that now. There was a time, between 5 - 7 months I think, where I went crazy because quitting seemed to dominate my every day. That is sooo over now! Thrilled about how quickly and unexpected things changed, eventually. Upwards and onward, Lido here I come!

Lilly, I want to make clear that this really wasnt battling. They were just unexpected thoughts, and I caught myself in not immediately dismissing them, like Ive been doing for almost 9 months now. So thats why I wrote that note to self. Its been a few good months now since I thought of this proces as a battle.

No, no.... no! Was just binging 'Dead to me', netflix series. So far, so good. Ok for a saturday evening on the couch, tea, beers and crochet. Right in the middle of the 4th episode, clues come together, secrets are out in the open, two girl friends having dinner and wine and the dirt is literally on the dinner table. Tears, anger, some jealous car scratching and then.... one of 'm buys cigarettes and the other one says she loves her for it...! And ofcourse they light up and immediately calm down and have a reasonable conversation... oh right. I am in shock! This is soooo Marlboro man old fashion.. how can they still do it like that? I thought we were past that? Apparantly NOT. The only nice thing about it... i felt true repulsion. Really, what a cheap move. -Edit- ah I was too quick. She cant get it lit! Well. What about that. Weird.

@Linda Thomas Im not sure what caused it last night. I found myself romancing smoking just a liiiitle bit, but it could have easily been the start of sabotaging my quit. But.. away with that!

Note to self. Dont allow these wondering thoughts. Smoking isnt on the menu anymore, period.

Yeah, you truly rock that quit, glitter chick! Congrats on a fantastic job. 😘 So awesome you popped in here, I still miss you big time.. love your discovery though and whish you aaaaalll the best with fam and house and love.

Congrats Christa! Good to know that youre still here. Happy to hear about your anxiety decreasing, thats terrific news.

I wonder, what about smoking is it that made me live life from the sideline? Looking back at my smokey years, its like Ive been on a constant watch for smoke facilitating circumstances. It was ALWAYS in the back of my mind, I was building life around smoking instead of the other way 'round. I dont know how I did that. It seems so, so tiring! I cant help but feel like one of those actors in a Tell Sell commercial: its amaaaaaazing!! But... It really is, to me. Time is flying (since 5, 6 weeks) and every morning I wake up after a good night of sleep. Instead of cursing the whole world and whishing not to be talked to before Ive had coffee and at least three cigarettes, I actually do usefull sensible stuff like sleeping a bit late, or pre-read work mail, humming along and well, ladiedahdiedahh. There's still some serious shit going on and its been a pretty hectic past 8 months. But, I decide now. Not the cigarette. No more cravings or 'empty cigarette moments', and yet, prepared with a huge backpack full of knowledge and confidence might they return for some reason. I remember people saying, be proud! And then I tried to be, but often didnt feel like it. I promiss you, that moment will come. Quitting is a super dynamic proces, ups, downs, left, right, hey I am ok, hell no I am not, hey I think Im there and oh shoot, id kill for a smoke right now... and so on. But time goes on, seasons change and you form new habits to challenge your addiction patterns and you learn new skills and you will get used to the new you. I know I did! Its amaaazing!

@Lilly, my relationship with my mom has never been the most momdaughterlovish .. thats what makes this even more difficult. We have our challenges, to put it nicely. She's been through cancer before, many memories. Hopefully this wont be anywhere near that. @jillar exactly. She got a call today, she's scheduled for the 29th of may to have it removed. Quicker than we initially thought, nice!

@reciprocity, it certainly is good to deal with life upfront. Better for me, better for her. And... glad I dont have to leave the room to light up. That would embarras me, but I'd still do it. Everything for that fix... Her surgery and therefor that ctscan were initially planned in october, so technically that thing has been discovered 6 months early. Thats sheer luck. I have my hopes up for her story to end as well as your friend's. @Doreensfree, thanks. It may sound inappropriate, dont mean it like that, but I am really thankfull to experience the result of my perseverance so far. It would be so, so shitty to have to battle urges right now, while I actually want to be there for my mom. @Linda Thomas 😘

Sadly, my mom learned today that she's got a kidney tumor. It was discovered by accident, because she was preparing for surgery and had a ctscan because of that. The positive news is that its only 4,5 cm, she will be called within 6 weeks to have it removed. Only then will they be able to tell about possible metastases. Not one second did I concider smoking, though I am a bit in shock by this unexpected news. I guess its another opportunity to genuinely feel what there is to feel, instead of hiding behind a veil of smoke.

Hey L4L, good that you wrote that down. These are the memorable moments, important part of out quits. It shows how far youve come in cutting ties with addiction. And isnt it absurd how strong reactions to these images are, seeing a pack and instantly wanting one? Good thing is, that effect will diminish over time as well. Than its just a pack of cigarettes, without meaning. I whish you the best in dealing with the job loss and the hunt for something new!

Just drove home after a long day at work. The radio played this: Ive loved that piece like forever. Felt a rush of all things good: no more smoking misère, proud, relieved, thankfull and chuckling over the drama of the first 3, 4 months. How i never ever want ro re-do that. As long as i can remember ive been short of breath . Combination of smoking and anxiety. For the first time ever i am starting to experience calm breathing. I eat more conciously. I have fewer speeding tickets. I arive in time for work instead of rushing and still being late. Might sound dull, but its actually what ive been longing for, for so long . Yeah. I am happy with quitting

Linda, yay nine months! I am happy for you and really, really hope you feel the same way too. 3/4 year is awesome. Tell me, whats the single best thing about quitting so far?

Kate, whishing you all the best from The rainy Netherlands. I admire you for researching your health/food, putting the poster on your fridge (I did the same with a letter, but for a different reason). My mental health is improving and I am really starting to experience a new calm. I believe quitting makes the mess in my head easier to bear, proof is piling up especially for the last couple of weeks. I whish the same for you and I know you can do this, despite everything. I bet you are a strong person. Hang in there!

Shit JB, sorry to hear that. Give yourself a firm kick in the butt and get back on track. You had one of the best reasons for quitting Ive read here so far: you want to be able to laugh without choking (and something with 'retard' but I dont know the exact context when you said that so nevermind). Oh and, please let me know when you "decide" to become a smoker again, ill send you one of these awfull Nickelback cigaret boxes! Hey, this is not what you want. Quit it.

Eight months done and dusted. Its been 25°C for some days now, probably too hot for this time of the year. I am so happy that it doesnt affect me at all: it means I did a good job dealing with these craves last summer, when I quit. In terms of seasonal triggers, I think I am safe to say Ive had the worst. Pretty uplifting idea! Time is starting to speed up. I dont know how to describe it, but thoughts of smoking are turning into soft whispers in the background and the days that I hardly think about it are adding up. Its facinating, because I know Ive been working towards this and yet it strikes me as, well, relief? That it really was true, what everyone here said? And that it also works for me..? Working on it, fighting for it, studying on it, all that hard work is starting to really, really pay off now. More and more I am able to let go of holding on to quitting, if that makes sense. Ofcourse I could make a giant list of pro's, but right now these are the most important: * I saved money for more than half a piano (hence the picture). * I save and still have extra money to spend in daily life, which makes me feel more independant. * I feel so much better physicaly, its shocking. * I take care of myself way better. What started as time biding and routine changing, became daily rituals: making ginger tea instead of coffee in the morning, tooth picking/brushing 3 times a day and discovering all sorts of new toothpaste, deep breathing (only managed to do that since i was at 6+ months. So glad I kept trying, its brilliant) and last but not least: slowing down when I am tired, mourning when I experience loss and need to proces and cheering myself up when I know thats what I gotta do (I used to be the person to sít in my sadness, put on Nick Drake and drown myself in it). I really hope this helps you, if youre struggeling at the moment. Things will be better. Every day, even every minute is part of the bigger story. You WILL feel good again, you WILL feel proud eventually and you are doing this for a reason. Cling to it, write it down. Do what you need to, when you need to do it and know that there is never ever a genuine reason why you could not become a nonsmoker.

@Tammy, congratulations on 10! I love that you mention your 'commitment to yourself', thats what ultimately will get you, me and everyone else through. The end of that first year is coming close now!