MLMR

✔day 4 ✔ Today I told myself: * going out for dinner is fun and I am blessed that I am able to. * taking a long walk without smoking is just as good, even better. It's just... a walk. * doing dishes does not have to be rewarded with a smoke, the clean kitchen is the reward in itself. * I had my first coffee in 3,5 days and it was delicious. 'I can't drink coffee without a cigaret' turned out to be a big fat lie!

@blur, listening to Carr's audiobook right now ?. Makes sense, ha!

@blur Thanks for your reply. I read Carr when I was younger, but somehow it didnt click back then. I've read a few books that did though, in Dutch 'de opluchting' , but I tried to re-read them but that didnt work! Like I suddenly became imune or something. Weird! Very nice you will go again, tomorrow.! I wish you faith and strength. And maybe remind you of your own quote: "Smoking is not good or bad. You can't say it is, but it's foolish, always remember that this machine we have was never designed to inhale smoke , so you are doing something against your nature, which is foolish".

@c9jane29 especially the real dark chocolate, that's my favorite. And yes, I shall learn new ways to deal with emotions. Hopefully with more grace than the embarassing fight with my significant other, yesterday night... @jillar you are so right!

After reading @Sazerac's suggestions (Romancing the cigarettes and Red flags) I thought about my warning signs. I think writing them down will help me see them for what they really are: whoppers. Yesterday I encountered one of my most crucial ones: "I'll become a boring person if I never smoke again". Obviously, NOT TRUE. How is addictive, repetative smoking making me an exciting person? Day after day after day, just because I háve to? What is exciting though, is breaking through that circle. That's what I'm doing right now. Besides that, if it were to be true... excuse me, but I could really use some boredom now and than Another one, frightingly strong sometimes: "oke, you showed the world you are able to quit. Woohoo. Now stop that nonsense, don't be so damn proud of yourself and get the smokes already. You know it's what you want". Personally, I find this the worst. I can't wrap my head around it. Somehow this thought can get to me, the way a good (but evil...) friend talks to you and you appreciate and believe their words. I know it's not true. And still, it must have something to do with my own insecurity in general. Is it as simple as believing you can...? And by that, chasing away this thought? I had a long talk with my boyfriend the other night, about meditation, going through fears and all, self compassion. We often had discussions about quitting and me being so afraid. He's been with me before when I took the plunge, back then he just couldn't understand why it took me so long to feel normal again and to ease the depression. My willpower is crazy though.. and it just dawned on me that that's what might get in my way, strangely enough. Im so afraid to see myself as... ok, to be alone with all this fuss in my head, to welcome my emotions so to speak. That's why I never gave meditation good chance, it seems just to scary. And though I have come a long way the past years, quitting smoking seems to ask for an even gentler approach... hmmmmm.

Thanks @Sazerac. You are absolutely right. I clearly remember how thrilled I was with myself and with what I archieved after one year. More aware, less dissociation, my body felt mine again. Thats where I want to be again. But to be there I will have to acknoledge these lies and not just fare on willpower. Pfiew. Such a long way to go. Or maybe that's also not true? And am I closer already than I would think? As for now, I did grocery shopping. A huge trigger because I don't like shopping AT ALL. Made it through though. 3rd day. Yay! I'll reward myself with a good piece of chocolate. I am thankfull for this forum. I couldnt possibly bother friends or boyfriend with all these contemplations... ?

Day 3. I realised I will have to put some effort in debunking my addict thoughts. Yesterday evening I thought: I will become the most boring person on the planet. This thought caused a rollercoaster of feelings. Last time I quit (for about half a year) it was depression (and fear of becoming even more depressed) that led me back to smoking. I think these unadressed addict thoughts played a huge role in that. Ok, so I think I will become the most boring person on the planet. Mantra: 'I will become more at peace with myself'. (And, note to self, what is exciting about lighting fire to something in your mouth? ). I convinced myself it was cool to smoke, when I was 13/14 years old. Plain simple as that. Right now, I do not need to identify with this disruptive thought. I can let it pass.

Well, the monster has been unleashed. ? Is it ok to continue writing here or should I start a diary or a blog? Ughhhh this ... this bloody thing comes in waves: panic, sadness, edgyness, the idea of missing out, tired and restless at the same time. Gauloises, you looked so sexy and grown-up when I first met you, long loooong time ago. But now I see, you made me an ordinary addict. Bleghhh

So, somehow you feel like you don't care anymore. Maybe it's the depression, anxiety, or just some sh☆tty situation. Let me tell you this: you do care and you definitely give a lot about it. You used to think you didn't care, because it was easier and less vulnerable. Back then, it was your only way to survive. But now things are different, you have changed. Be honest with yourself and listen to the soft voices. They want to be heard. They will help you continue this journey. X

11:38 ?

Oeps, something went wrong up ^there^. So, day 2. Today I have the day off. Slept for almost 10 hrs, and I still feel like going back again. Body is working hard to get rid of nicotine and cafeïne. Edgyness is on it's way. I feel a bit blown up, though I am carefull not to over-eat. And yep, while I write this I'm like, ohh just get on with it already and don't wine?. Arghh it's all coming back to me, previous quits. I need to go read the letter of reasons, NOW. It's 10:38, let's make it to 11:38.

I think I'll adopt this 'one hour a day' attitude. I like it. I used to see it so big, 'never again', almost uninmaginable. Today went surprisingly ok. Dizzyness, a bit fuzzy because of no cafeïne. I wasn't totally 'there'. But I still have my job, my boss and collegues don't suddenly think I suck at it, I am able to drive without smoking. I cried only once (it kept coming for half an hour though ? ).

Well, I survived the very first morning (ofcourse). Started reading the list I wrote but I was surprised how distant it felt. I anticipated that, it has always struck me how big of a gap there can be between 'I will never do this again' and 'Ahh, give me that smoke, I'll try another day'. Drank tea instead of coffee, hugged the boyfriend and then started panicking. Like, for real. It suddenly hit me, I was not going to smoke all day, not feeling normal, not .....etc. etc. After half an hour of adrenaline and anxiety I managed to calm myself down. Apart from being a bit dizzy I feel ok right now. :)

Thanks a lot, all of you. My set date was 24-09, next friday. But I decided to follow through this evening and I emptied my package. So... tomorrow will be my first day of lots, with more air, fresher kisses, clean clothes, white teeth. Threw away ashtrays, lighters and empty boxes. Chance is I curse myself tomorrow morning, so I wrote the list with reasons to read immediately when I wake (I used to make coffee and start my day puffing). My panic eased a bit, that's nice. I know what I am doing this for. I need to keep in touch with that. I do really want to free myself, although there will be times my nicotine wired brain will tell me otherwise. Thanks again and I'l be back.

Hi there, this is me introducing myself. First time here, but not new to this whole quitting thing. Have been smoking on and off since I was 15 (in my mid-thirties right now). My most serious quit lasted for three whole years. I am sweating carrots (yes, in Holland we do that when we are afraid) by the thought alone, to start this journey all over again. I am not so sure how to handle it this time. I feel like I know everything there is to know and still don't feel confident enough. In the past I used to read a lot about addiction, fear, etc. I bought different kinds of cleansing tea, drank water until I became a water balloon, tried to meditate and then always ended up failing miserably. I have a history of depression and anxiety. I also have the experience of becoming calmer and much more relaxed at non-smoking life, but only gradually after the first year. I know it will take time. I know I want to take that time. And still I am terrified. My quit date is next friday, 24-09-2018. I shall look around a bit, hopefully it will motivate me. I do not need willpower or pride, but faith. That much I know..