MLMR

Nothing about today is comparable with yesterday, which is a good thing! When I woke up, it took me well over 5 minutes to remember that I quit smoking. Statistically this means I'm gaining 0.343 minutes of forgetting per day. ? I'm rediscovering my home, smell-wise. Im becoming more aware of fragrances. Like my laundry shed, the different smells in my kitchen. Oh and I dare say that my sleeping habit is back to normal!!!!! So happy about that, it's never been this quick. It usualy took me at least about a whole month.. but many things are different this time. Still doing this day by day, but able to see it in a broader perspective already. Right now I am hopeful and confident, yihaaa ?

@johnny5 yes, exactly that. I am glad this board is so active. I learn a lot from other people. I try to adopt some strategies and at the same time I hope to discover my own way. It's been a huge help to write my own reply in the SOS board, I found out I can work with that also when it's not crisis time. It has an answer in it about my main theme with nicotine addiction. Learning that other people have gone through this as well ánd 'simply' survived, means the world. @c9jane29 you deserve a medal for cheering! From now on, I'll glitter bomb anyone who is cheeky enouh to sabotage me. Whenever you see huge clouds of glitter hoovering above Europe, you know it's me. And yes, please! Tell me more about ETQ (but please, keep Bob Ross to yourself. I won't tell you my birth date. Ever. Making birds out of mistakes.... talking about embracing the quit, that's more like Denying The Quit! ).

@d2e8b8 thanks. Good to know they are normal symptoms, ha. They definitely feel ... unusual ?. For example, typing this. Looking for words. After each sentence I need to eat something, like with smoking. But it's not like weighing a ton helps me with my foreign languages. Pfff. I still try to keep it as harmless as possible, but this evening I went from pickles to chocolate to salami to dinner left overs to cheese. Ah well.. tomorrow it's carrots again. I am curious about that thread, hope @Nancy will find it!!. ?

Saz, it ís a comfort to know many have felt like this. It's easier to believe people who have been there. And venting here might just save my relationship and friendships and family bonds... most of them are non smokers by now, or have never smoked at all. They have no idea what I'm talking about. The other day someone said to me, 'Two weeks already? Ah, that means you're almost there and done'. This person has never even so much as touched a cigarette. She may be even right, but has no clue about the internal proces this costs.. which, by the way, I am very glad I'm undergoing. In Holland we have a saying, 'Jantje lacht, Jantje huilt'. Literally it sais 'Johnny laughs, Johnny cries'. I am like Johnny right now. Glad another day is almost done ?

Don't say such things or I'll suddenly find myself in an airplane.. I am not to be trusted right now ?

Yes. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I am allowed to do uhm, certain things. This afternoon, an old lady kept bumping into me with her shopping cart. I swear, I was about to tell her the ugly truth about.... well, sómething. After that, I bought myself nice new (way too expensive ) wool to make stuff with. I'm trying to bewitch the clock so it goes faster. I showered twice, I nearly drowned my plants and there's litteraly NO dust to be seen for miles around. I can't stand Joel Spitzers voice for a while, Allen Carrs audiobook has suddenly vanished from youtube and I hate myself for complaining. Oh god, I'm loosing it

Thanks. I ended up reading stories of people who got lungcancer or other smoke related diseases. It brutally puts an end to any romanticizing of smoking. I'm 'lucky' to be dealing with moodswings because of quitting, instead of batteling for my life because of continuing smoking.

Today is totally crap. Moody, unsteady, too much time on my hands. Can't distract myself, reading here or anywhere else on the www does not help, afraid I will eat anyone who tells me what to do. Lucky for you guys I live far away. Day 16. Bleghhh, so early in quit and so many days to go. This is something that WILL pass. Right?

This is what would have been given to me, had I decided two days ago to smoke just one... ■ my cough in the morning ■ my smelly hair ■ my smelly fingers after smoking ■ my cough during the day ■ squeeking during moments I definitely didn't want to squeek ■ smelling smokey fingers/hands when taking a shower and washing my face ■ smoke that would sneak into my house when puffing outside ■ the disgusted look on my cat's face when I accidentely blew smoke in her direction ■ the stench in my clothes ■ brushing my teeth, after a smoke, knowing it would hardly matter ■ being ashamed about my smelly breath during a kiss ■ when someone drove with me, the shame about my stinky car ■ searching for a lighter ■ before leaving the house, always checkin' on cigarets and lighters ■ thinking of smoking during dinner ■ thinking of smoking during breakfast ■ thinking of smoking during visiting my granny, who is then dying of cancer in the hospital ■ thinking of smoking during smoking ■ after a night drinking and smoking sounding like someone with only half a vocal chord ■ the fortune I not only waisted, but used to destroy myself gradually ■ the giant health risk I took ■ knowing smoking contributes to depression and dissociation and still not being able to give up ■ lack of breath during panic attacks ■ wanting to smoke during that same panick attack ■ being nervous all the time about not having enough cigarettes ■ hating myself for smoking and then, mortiefied, lighting up to cope with the shame ■ knowing that I am stuck in some sort of trap ■ knowing that the fear I harbor for this trap, keeps me trapped ■ the sheer dependency ■ wrinkels ■ elephant skin ■ dull, greyish skin ■ dull hair ■ yellow fingers. Oh my god, these disgusting yellow fingertips. ■ stinky ashtrays ■ leaving the ashtray outside and then it's starting to rain ■ forgetting to empty the garbage can, opening it and meeting a hell of rotten vegetables and ashtray ■ looking in the mirror, knowing that smoking has starting to have it's effect on me ■ knowing that my lungs will be pretty blackish by now, but not being able to care for that ■ the constant lack of energy ■ feeling dizzy during a heavy walk on the beach ■ the shame during a roadtrip with nonsmokers, to ask for a quick pitstop ■ delaying everything in life by smoking: nehh, first a smoke and thén... ■ not being able to cut back on smoking ■ swimming and seeing black in front of my eyes ■ the effect it had on daily interactions between me and other people ■ days revolving around smoking ■ the way cigarettes dictated pretty much my every action ■ hating myself, for knowing better, but ... ■ having worked so hard in so many areas on myself and still having this cigarette bossing me around ■ ash on my couch ■ ash in my car ■ burning cigarettes in my car, coming back through the window to haunt me ■ ash on my clothes ■ knocking down full ashtrays ■ trying to light a cigarette's rear end and feeling like a fool ■ begging a stranger for a cigarette, when I lost my wallet ■ trying to light a cigarette in the storm ■ trying to light a cigarette in the rain ■ shame about smoking for the 100th time at work ■ feeling bad about myself when smoking with kids around ■ visiting my best friends new born, wanting to hold her but ashamed of my own smell ■ craving during movies, theatre, shows, shopping, reading, talking, meetings, birthdays, flights -edit- pretty impressive gift, huh?!

Nice article, I read it some months ago when I was preparing. For me, it's about finding balance. I have to stay alert for drastic mood changes on one side, cause I know very well where they can get me. On the other hand, I try to realise that this proces takes time and also that to blame quitting for every bad mood/state just isn't right. Regardless of quitting, life continues. And life just happens to give me ups and downs and they might have been far worse if I would have been smoking. I am also starting to realise the importance of the 'it's always there for me' factor. Obviously I've learn to grow comfort in the idea of cigarettes being 'here for me'. Though it's only two weeks, I am already a bit embarrased to look at it that way. So many things are here for me... not many of them 'always' and that's ofcourse where the temptation comes in, the temptation to look at cigarettes as if they were comfy, warm, friendly, non-judgemental and above all, ever available. etc. My friends, partner and family are here for me, but not always. So I will have to learn to ask for support in different ways. And even then, if they somehow are uncapable of being there at that moment, I'll have to learn that me reaching out means taking care of myself. My house is here for me, but it doesn't have arms and legs to clean itself, so I'll have to be more concious these days about making it a place where I feel at home and where I feel loved. Literally, the floor is here for me, the earth is there to carry me. Etc. How I used to hate to be 'thankful on purpose', as a way of therapeutic brainwashing, ha. But more and more I start seeing the beauty in it, even when I don't feel like it yet. Fake it until you make it. Because I do have a lot to be thankful for and when the junky thoughts creep upon me, I want to be able to feel that, to use that so I can disarm the addiction and leave it for what it is: an irreversible, sleeping brainthing that, when left alone, is harmless, faceless and has no identity. Unlike myself!

@Linda Thomas yeah, thanks. @d2e8b8 yes, had that this morning when I woke up. Somehow I still have the 'habit' of coughing when I open my eyes after sleep, but there's not much left to cough, ha. Feels great! And the need to rush out for coffee and a cigarette is also disappearing. @c9jane29 thanks for sharing that about your early quit. I too believe these experiences can make us succesfull in what we try to achieve here. The relief of still being smokefree after a (mini) crisis is priceless. And relief turning in to pride, which is happening with me right now. -edit- by the way, got to be carefull with this glittergun, tonight I am celebrating the two-week-birthday of baby quit Chamele. Poor guy will go crazy

Ok, risking the case that I might come across as manic... but I had yet anóther epiphany. I was thinking, how do all my previous quits (of one month, half a year, one week, few days etc) differ from the one that lasted nearly three years and cost me, after a month or 10, 11, almost no effort? (and got spoiled by my total stupidity and arrogance, that of a first time quitter) And I suddenly realised.. for me it's about confusing being a quit smoker with being a non smoker. I always thought, addiction is forever. It's about not puffing anymore. And ofcourse that's correct. But that does not mean I remain a smoker who happens not to smoke, by choice. Because... I, uh...quit. oke, does this make sense? So, I am a non smoker with an addiction, not a quit smoker with an addiction. Maybe it's about getting into character after all. And by that, de-identifying myself from being 'a smoker'. By now I am totally unsure if what I think comes from a clean brain or a deluted, crazed and sleep deprived brain... My thoughts run wild. I guess it's ok and part of the process

The past 30 hours I learned some valuable lessons. * https://purrli.com is a great website to ride out panic attacks, especially when breathing exercise fails and your'e too frozen to comfort yourself. Or when you like cat purring but are having cat allergy. * asking for help when unable to reach own self, is worth gold. I used to think that being that close to smoking meant assured failure. But being that close to smoking ánd reaching out, while everything about that act feels uncomfortable and awkward, is a major thing. * starting Qi Gong and over-doing the flying bear, wild waves, loose goose, poisenous snake etc. might not be such a good idea, early on during quitting. There's a change you'd spoil all the Qi you have left and thus freak out. Takin' it nice and easy and maybe just start with a lazy buddha posture. * KTQ = keep(ing) the quit. Which I did.

Hello people, Just wanted to tell you that I am alright. Glad that I asked for help, it took me a while to do so honestly. To all lurkers: it does really help! Please post here when you are in need. Thank goodness a wonderfull team of Quit train Guards came to my aid. So grateful for that! I feel stronger after what happened yesterday, I'm not sure how to describe this in english but it feels like I re-married my descision to quit....? I uhm, renewed my vows or something? I'm sure you get the point. My quit grows stronger every day, going through these phases and coming out a bit messy and tired, but unharmed.... so important. Ok, enough for now, let's close this thread, no lingering and keep on truckin'!

KTQ....?!