MLMR

I put on bird sounds. A music video of 11 hours, might hope for the love of some godly being that I'm over it by then.

@jillar i will put some music on. @Sazerac Pancakes.

Thanks :/

Ahhw, in the middle of some sort of panic. It's not the attacks I'm used to. It doesnt proceed. I keep being nautious, keep having this unheimisch feeling, something is not right. It's night over here. These are the times after which I am so used to smoking a cigaret and then go back to bed again. I want to find consolation in something. I need to ride this out, just second by second and then minute after minute. The past days have been challenging, quit-wise. I am committed and convinced and apparantly still experiencing different phases. There's learning involved, I can do that. Willpower, have lots of it. But these moments where I am unarmed, not super steady, they scare me. What if in these moments seeds of relapse are planted? I hope by writing this, I'll be able to prevent that. And just don't want to be doing it alone right now.

Once 3 yrs, 9 months, once nearly 6 months, once about a month and various times between 1 day and few weeks. The 3 year period was my first quit ever. After that, I've always felt that I could not 'beat' myself, as if it's about competition and winning. I've also had the experience that knowledge, grasping how it works, somehow seems to fail on second attempts and at times it made me truly miserable. Mindset, beliefs, obviously played a bigger role back than. I know Ive never ever been content with smoking, I hated it and that thought alone made me smoke twice as much. I won't be unique in that... I have good faith though that I'll be able to leave this all behind me. There's just to much truth and too many stories available, too much knowledge to be ignored, it's too 2018 to be still smoking. So.. steady as I go!

Saw this add today, I believe it was in an old thread, think @notsmokinjo posted it. Funny and uplifting! Watched it twice today, when I had mehhh-moments. Thanks! Oh and I thought of something. Today is just as important as any milestone. Because it is what will get me there!

Ohhh this is a great thread! First three days of quitting, Fulltime Fog. Not making sense whatsoever, almost felt drugged. I slept like a maniac, which contributed great deal to The Fog. After that, insomnia hit. Which... ofcourse... contributed to The Fog ?. Now Im back to normal sleeping patterns, but still dwelling in mysty lands. I try to be comfortable with it and not expect to much of myself (except for NOT lighting up ofcourse). I think I kinda suck at my job right now, but whatever. Things will be better and I'll Shine like never before! ?

Thanks! Will read it ?And you are right. Quitting is my no1 priority right now. I do wonder when it will become less of an obsession though... must be heaven! Well the thing is, to my surprise I don't have any extra symptoms of all of that. Nothing other than what is to be expected in the first weeks of quitting. Chance is, during bad days you will hear me say something completely different... but thats about perspective, ha!

Well how nice is that, apparantly I've been ETQing all a long. .. but you are right @c9jane29, I am committed to making this work. During a day like this, I have at least 3 moments where I am so happy about quitting, even if it's just seconds. The other day I read something that said, when you quit, whatever you feel, it's intense. The good stuff also! I totally agree. And these moments hold promises for what it will be like in the future, I trust in that. I know that I'm dealing with patterns here, not some real time demon or monster. How come it is so tempting to think about it in that way? The anxiety/depression thing came up frequently today. ('Ah, with my history it must be extra hard. What if I don't succeed?' and 'Be prepared to feel like this for at least a year!'). While the matter of fact is: since quitting I do NOT experience any more anxiety than I usualy do and I have NO sense of that hardcore depression I know all too well. In fact, my brain is more lively than usual, I feel connected to people here, I live my life, I do my things, I make no major f*ck-ups. I think about rewarding myself, I wonder about self care, I try to make things as easy and enjoyable as possible for myself. And there's also the occasional fog, the crying, the bitching, the binging and the unrest. Apparantly thats just part of the deal, for now. It's funny, many people here tell me it will pass and then say right away 'although it won't be of any comfort now' but... it really is of comfort!!! When I tell myself that, it doesn't really have the same magic effect, I guess I need some practice at that. 'This too shall pass'. @Joe7 that's extraordinary, that the world in your mind was so different from what people around you perceived. Thanks for sharing.

What a day. Though I understand it's a trick of the addict mind, it's almost like the first few days. Foggy, staring at peoples faces when they tell me something while having no clue what its about. I wonder what my face looks like when I do that. Whenever my mind drifts off to smoking, I start singing or talking out loud about something. Working is a joke today, literally nothing usefull comes out of my hands. I am counting hours, till next wednesday evening, 20:08. That will mark three weeks. Not so sure how to 'embrace' what's going on now. It annoys me, it scares me a bit, I have no muscles ready to attack junkie thinking. I am sure about not smoking, definitely. But I wish I were sure about this state of mind being temporary! It has to be! I would be the first on earth to be dealing with these withdrawl symptoms like forever! Just can't be !! Soon the washing drum will make easy, enjoyable rounds, instead of this wild tumbling program. And then I'll be like clean, white sheets ?

Hi Sslip, Congrats! I'm hanging around here only for a short period of time yet, but felt at home almost immediately. Your friendly comments and support have meant a lot so far, thanks! Well done on your eight months, I will definitely follow you there. Can you tell me about the view?

Hi Linda, you are such a badass for keeping that quit. I can imagine it's hard when you have that many worries. But please, make yourself a priority! It must feel unnatural to do when taking care for your parents, even when there's such a history as with you and them. But there's only one of you. Quit smoking meant making a choice for yourself. I think part of the proces is to remake that choice, over and over again. You are the centre here, not your parents or anyone else!! Whishing you lots of selfcare and courage, hope you will sleep well and tomorrow will be better for you.

Achieved successes in daily, non smoking life. It's a good start, for sure I will continue to encounter new common triggers for a while. Bring it on! ♡ waking up -> no smoking! ♡ driving -> no smoking! ♡ working -> no smoking! ♡ riding out dinner aftermath -> no smoking! ♡ grocery shopping -> no smoking! ♡ visiting friends -> no smoking! ♡ lying awake at night -> no smoking! ♡ doing chores like dishes, cleaning etc. -> no smoking! Achieved successes, after ... ♡ feeling sad (few times) ♡ feeling lonely (few times, but severe) ♡ being angry (uh... well. A lot. How splendid, quitting nicotine gives me great opportunity to deal with anger, ha!) ♡ a fight (read the above) ♡ insecurity (on daily basis) ♡ emptyness (few times) ♡ a hardcore panic attack (once, severe. Twice mildly. Definitely NOT induced by quitting, 'just' my regulairs). ^These ^ successes mean I'm starting to deal in new ways with unwanted emotions. Instead of covering them up in a veil of smoke, I let them be. Not always easy, but it's definitely doable. (And: I covered most of the primary emotions already: anger, fear and sadness. Actually, that's something to be grateful for, ha! Thank you, rollercoaster drama sensitive brain, you give me great opportunities to rewire!) Achieved successes, in relation to nice things! These successes are a bit of a mystery to me, because I've never felt guilty about smoking in these situations. So, not smoking there doesn't necessarily make me proud. Just... neutral or something? All the more reason to emphasize them, they were just as much part of my smoking life and maybe even responsible for a great deal of explaining away and romanticizing smoking. ♡ shopping at the garden centre, yesterday. How common it is for me to look at all the plants and stuff I bought and have a satisfying smoke. (What? No! I mean, to have a toxic, burning stick, which does horrible things to your physical and mental health) ♡ doing something nice with my man (all sorts of nice. Not to be further discribed). And nót having smokes in advance, during or afterwards! ♡ long, nice walks ♡ these absurd long video calls with my good friend where I used to smoke my brains out. Now I'm gnawing on a carrot. Yay!

@reciprocity thanks for taking the time to write. You are right, I got some great advice and support here already. Taking it day by day seems to be working good for me, though sometimes I can't help but be impatient. Right now it helps me to write a lot of my thoughts down, so I can actively change them.. I do hope there will come a day I can live without this board though... seriously. Longing for that time where quitting goes more natural and doesn't require this hard working and constant rewiring. Also, in the past I really put some relationships at stake by quitting, so trying to keep the proces more to myself this time (and ofcourse by sharing here). Ah well.... day by day ?

@Sazerac that's awesome. Just overcame a huge trigger (visiting the garden shop, for me thats like celebrating my birthday so it's a crave bound to something NICE). Imagening I just built a new route in my head is satisfying. ?

I've been on Melatonine 5 mg (I take two capsules around 9pm) for about half a year now. It does miraculous things for my sleep. Opposite to previous quits, this time the sleepless nights only lasted for, say, 10 days.. since I take this, my ('ordinairy', not caused by quitting) moodswings/depression seem somewhat stabilized. It's hard to say what causes what, but one thing is for sure, I am infinitely happy about sleeping well. ?

I'm sorry to hear that Doreen, I rather whish that you weren't an example. I know there will come a day where my junkie thought will be something like this: 'there's no harm in smoking one, you've been off for longer periods of time and therefor your health risk is low'. The sad thing is, I cultivated this thought myself. I used to be so very angry with myself when I didn't succeed in quitting, it ruined my self esteem completely. Gradually I came to see that self loathing is devastating, in general actually haha. So I made a deal: I will only quit if I can stay friends with myself when I fail. It became easier and I often said, well, at least I've been off for a while again and been giving my body a good period of healing. I forgave myself rather easy. Now I know, this thought can become tricky for me further in my proces. The junkie could easily hijack this thought I initially created to help myself. I guess it's a good thing that i'm prepared ..

Note to self: when you start being romantic about smoking, read this. Don't forget it's not 'just' about lungcancer and emphysema alone. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-health-risks-of-smoking-2825323