MLMR

Worst part is over, my breathing back to normal and able to guide myself in that. Still a bit in shock, what a huge primitive experience this was. Relieved that I used what was left of my senses and contacted you guys here. I think I'll hit my bed soon, my brain and heart appear like they've been running marathons. What a theater. Broadway ought to be jealous

Conciously breathing adds to the panic right now. I sometimes have that, I always try to prevent getting in that state. Writing helps though. Distraction and less sense of doing this alone.

Still here. Won't smoke. Thanks so much for being here and answering all so massively and quick.

Reading here, dont really know what to say. Thanks a lot for all of your answers. I'll stay at home and try to ride it out. Not sure how chat works by the way.

I would really like your support right now. For reasons too delicate to write down here, I'm pretty upset. I don't want to smoke, but the urge is huge. I am totally not connected this moment, not to my reasons or anything concerned quitting actually. I have to do it on sheer willpower right now. I vowed to do it the loving way this time, so therefor reaching out. ?

Ok, for some reason I'm having a difficult moment, just a few quick words to reassure myself. * don't want to go back to craving, spending meetings waiting for a moment to get out and smoke, losing money over a body- and soul destroying addiction. * I am going to book the sauna * I will make myself tea when I come home, cook dinner and do a flying bear, wild goose or flowing river. * ................................................................. * <-- quit smoking leaves room for new things!!!

Day eleven: completed. Did the swimming bear, waving reed, I flied and made waves. Quit Gong, so to speak. Made me relaxed and I want to incorporate it into morning- and evening rituals. Heading towards 2 weeks, next wednesday evening. I'm on the right track, education is making some room now for deeper breathing and stretching. Although I'm still edgy, I have a kind of new calm. I'm somewhat easier in arguments and am feeling less agressive. Because hey, I've killed almost twice, last week.. and today I 'solved' an argument by leaving the situation and shouting bitchy statements through the wall. Progression ? Long story short... let's continue!

Crochestick!

@Doreensfree ha, nope sorry. Made it freestyle. ? I crocheted other stuff by the way, in the direction you are thinking of. Art, I call it. Not sure if it's appropriate for here though..

Kikkererwten

I was wondering who'd be the first to mention ?

Made these a long time ago. 'And here I am, using my own lungs like a sucker' - Homer

Yep, no lingering. Deflating these thoughts head on! Like with really bad farts, it's essential to let the air out or it will eat you from the inside...

Concerning reconfiguration.. I slept for 5 whole hours this night ?. Yesterday as well, silently hoping this will be the announcement of better sleep times. And otherwise it will give me just about enough rest to battle on ?. Today will be day 10. Sounds good to me. Amidst all of the fuss there's one steady factor: not smoking today!

Wow, talkin'about self discipline! Thanks for your support. Good to know other people have been there too. Sometimes I wonder, what's crazier. The addiction or the ways we have to deal with fighting, accepting and finally living with it ?

D

Here I go again. Emotions all over the place. Since late afternoon feeling unsteady and on top of that, judgemental about it. And so addict thoughts pop up like weeds after a rain shower. Got to put them where they belong: the land of the fairy tales. I will NOT feel better when I smoke. I will feel better when I start accepting myself more. Breathing out smoke is NOT soothing. After writing this, finishing laundry and then having a walk will calm me down. Driving to the gas station and buying cigarettes will NOT be like 'I don't care and even about that I don't care'. I want to care. I do care. And so I stay home. And do stuff that's actually good for me.