This might sound weird, but I take relapses personal -kinda-...like i failed? 

 

I know that doesn't make any sense, but I read about a members relapse and I feel sad, not just for them.....just saddened in general

 

I am not naive and know that some will relapse before they quit for good, I although know that some will just leave...so why does it bother me then?

 

Is is just me?  

I suspect you are a worrier....you probably worry about everything.  It is who you are...nothing wrong with that :wub:

I get what you are saying.  We become so involved in each others lives as we go through and help others go through this process.  The problem is that the journey to quit is just as individual as the quit itself.   While you and I are "ready" now it was not always that way.  You are a wonderful support to people here.  Try to not get to discouraged with those that kick and scream a bit before they get serious about the quit or you'll burn yourself out.  Just keep giving them the support and information they need to make the right choices.  That's all you can do.

know that some will relapse before they quit for good

 

*most* will relapse

 

ftfy

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

The three C's

 

You didn't cause it (their addiction)

You can't control it

You can't cure it.

 

In the same way we don't take credit for someone's success, we don't take responsibility for their failure.

 

;)

everyone has a quit journey.....some stay quit...some relapse and then quit....some relapse over and over...and then quit.  

and some...just never get it.  :(  

 

nothing you can do.  That's their journey

If most relapse then every crash and burn tilts the odds in my favor. In my circle now and then funeral notices are announced at a meeting for somebody who relapsed and didn't make it back. For us on this board we probably won't see that close association of cause and effect so I have to just extrapolate the worst case scenario for my own selfish motivation.

 

The reason for my quit has not changed - of the 14,000 cigarettes I had scheduled to be smoked in the coming year one of those was the heart attack smoke and another was a stroke. Compassion is good and who can fault empathy but hey man - better you than me.

One of my quit buddies relapsed.  :(  Made me so sad, especially cuz I was talking to him right before he did so.  I felt like I failed to help him keep his quit.  This was very recent and makes me sad that he smoked.  

It's saddening and sometimes even discouraging but it's better than those who don't even want to try and quit.  Most of those who relapse that we've come to know from the forum have been exposed to the truth and will continue to keep trying to quit.  If one is to relapse, it's best they do it here than all on their own where they may never try and quit again.  At least here, those who relapse know they have a support group and always have a place to call home.  I see some who have relapsed that no longer post but lurk.  That tells me that they are still in the game and have no given up hope.

Who relapsed? LB I hear what you're saying and I'd say you are a sensitive sausage that's why it gets to you soo much x

I feel the same as Bug. But yes I can be a sensitive soul too. I am still hurting for a quit buddies relapse from over 6 weeks ago :(

My problem with relapses: (of any kind! Smoking, drinking, drugs)
I 'know' it going to be a part of some people's journey. I get that.
But I have to bite my tongue and restrain my fingers when the same people show up, time after time after time and do the same thing, leading to yet another relapse. They dont learn from the previous relapse, they continue to do it their own way, even when well meaning people try to help. 
My dad (in recovery for 36yrs) tells me "Well Julie, for the hour they are in a meeting, they 'want' to be sober/clean"
I suppose the same is true for here.
I have trouble finding empathy for chronic relapsers who do the same thing over and over.
That's my  issue, not theirs though. 

There is a Buddhist saying that goes something like "what is the point of having compassion if all it does is make two people miserable?" Feeling rotten over what somebody else did to themselves just makes more misery in the world. Somebody smokes - hey shit happens get yer ass back on the train. If you fell off and are in lurk mode (running as fast as you can along side the tracks trying to keep up) hey sucks to be you smoke one for me eh?

 

I'll save my sadness for the next innocent family of brown people overseas getting zapped by a drone.

There is a Buddhist saying that goes something like "what is the point of having compassion if all it does is make two people miserable?" Feeling rotten over what somebody else did to themselves just makes more misery in the world. Somebody smokes - hey shit happens get yer ass back on the train. If you fell off and are in lurk mode (running as fast as you can along side the tracks trying to keep up) hey sucks to be you smoke one for me eh?

 

I'll save my sadness for the next innocent family of brown people overseas getting zapped by a drone.

 

i agree!

I get upset. I worry. I think whether I could have done something.

 

But at the end, I know that each has their own decisions to make, their own path to take.

My problem with relapses: (of any kind! Smoking, drinking, drugs)

I 'know' it going to be a part of some people's journey. I get that.

But I have to bite my tongue and restrain my fingers when the same people show up, time after time after time and do the same thing, leading to yet another relapse. They dont learn from the previous relapse, they continue to do it their own way, even when well meaning people try to help. 

My dad (in recovery for 36yrs) tells me "Well Julie, for the hour they are in a meeting, they 'want' to be sober/clean"

I suppose the same is true for here.

I have trouble finding empathy for chronic relapsers who do the same thing over and over.

That's my  issue, not theirs though. 

 

I don't know why, but this is so disappointing to me.  Is this what I have done ?  " when the same people show up, time after time after time and do the same thing, leading to yet another relapse."  I have never asked for empathy and yet somehow I find this so offensive.  This does not make one feel comfy coming back saying they have smoked and need help AGAIN.  It's already humiliating enough to have to do that and then to read this.  And I'm not one to argue.  But I find this way too unforgiving.  I don't think I could EVER give up on anyone. 

I don't know why, but this is so disappointing to me.  Is this what I have done ?  " when the same people show up, time after time after time and do the same thing, leading to yet another relapse."  I have never asked for empathy and yet somehow I find this so offensive.  This does not make one feel comfy coming back saying they have smoked and need help AGAIN.  It's already humiliating enough to have to do that and then to read this.  And I'm not one to argue.  But I find this way too unforgiving.  I don't think I could EVER give up on anyone. 

I can't speak for Julie - I am sure that she will do that for herself.

 

I think that I understand where she is coming from. It strikes me as a little odd when people are unwilling or unable to be honest about what happened. Quits fall down for all sorts of reasons, and I will not judge anyone. If someone wants to quit - I will do everything in my power to help and support, but I do believe that the person needs to have a very close look at why they failed - rather than keep on the same old cycle.

I don't think anyone has ever asked her to take responsibility for their relapse.  And when someone says they have to "bite their tongue and restrain their fingers" to avoid supporting? someone who has relapsed "over and over again" is a little harsh.  There are some that have taken years of multiple attempts at quitting before they are successful and knocking down their self confidence is definitely NOT the way to help someone. 

 

But then again.... who am I to say something ?  I am obviously one of those people that she has to "bite her tongue and restrain her fingers" against.   Bite away. 

 

I will say this though...... It hurts me deeply when I see people relapse.  But then again, I know what they are going through.  Not all of us are perfect.

Tiffany - slightly off topic - but is there something that you can put your finger on as to why previous quits have not stuck? I can certainly think of one member here, who posted recently about it.

 

I quit years ago - but I don't think I ever got rid of the idea that I was 'sacrificing' and so started again (for 15 years or so! Doh!) 

It seems to me, and I am just speaking for myself here, that  none of us, at one time,  were taking responsibility for ourselves and our addiction.  I know for me it took me 28 years to "get it" in a way that I knew in my heart and soul I was done.  People are in different places at different times and we need to be careful not to infer our current thought process with someone elses.  Some of us get this done the first time others not so much. 

 

It's important for us all to evaluate the choices we have made and learn from them but the only "failure" to me is when someone stops trying at all.  That said agree it can be so painful to watch someone hurt themselves and not be able to stop it.  That's because we care so much. 

 

To anyone struggling, please never quit quitting. 

It hurts me to see someone relapse before reaching out to us or posting an SOS. I get it, every situation is different. Not everyone considers posting before they relapse. I just feel really invested in some quits and it pains me to see them have to go through Hell Week and what not over again. 

 

I know what it's like to relapse and never return, so I try not to judge too much. But I really do feel like members need to evaluate their relapses thoroughly. What's causing them to relapse so much? What's the problem? What can we (or they) do to eliminate the problem so this doesn't keep happening?

 

I think that's what Julie was trying to say. I don't think she meant for it to be offensive at all. I think it's just frustrating and disheartening to witness someone struggling so much and not being able to help them. 

My problem with relapses: (of any kind! Smoking, drinking, drugs)

I 'know' it going to be a part of some people's journey. I get that.

But I have to bite my tongue and restrain my fingers when the same people show up, time after time after time and do the same thing, leading to yet another relapse. They dont learn from the previous relapse, they continue to do it their own way, even when well meaning people try to help.

My dad (in recovery for 36yrs) tells me "Well Julie, for the hour they are in a meeting, they 'want' to be sober/clean"

I suppose the same is true for here.

I have trouble finding empathy for chronic relapsers who do the same thing over and over.

That's my issue, not theirs though.

Oh wow, I didn't mean for this to be offensive at all!

I actually thought I was being a tad vulnerable and exposing one of my 'non-finer-points' and pointing our that it's 'my' issue not anyone else's.

I fear my lack of sympathy comes from a place of grief, of watching my best friends life slip away in the most ugly and horrific way.....I mean, holy...I work in health care yet I had NO idea cancer could do what it did to her face :(

I think it is once again the written word being unable to convey the message I meant.

But I believe, once you see what smoking related death looks like, up clues and personal.....maybe it's somewhat normal to have my reaction.

But I've never ever been unkind or unsupportive to anyone who relapses.

Never.

Oh wow, I didn't mean for this to be offensive at all!

I actually thought I was being a tad vulnerable and exposing one of my 'non-finer-points' and pointing our that it's 'my' issue not anyone else's.

I fear my lack of sympathy comes from a place of grief, of watching my best friends life slip away in the most ugly and horrific way.....I mean, holy...I work in health care yet I had NO idea cancer could do what it did to her face :(

I think it is once again the written word being unable to convey the message I meant.

But I believe, once you see what smoking related death looks like, up clues and personal.....maybe it's somewhat normal to have my reaction.

But I've never ever been unkind or unsupportive to anyone who relapses.

Never.

Agreed, you have never been anything but kind.  :)  You're a good "egg" Jules.  I'm so sorry about your friend.

I work with cancer patients all day long. It's the career path I chose 25 years ago. And on a personal level, I just watched, not too long ago, a very dear friend die from lung cancer. I am aware of what cancer does.

 

It just came across a little harsh to me. I, personally, don't care how many times someone tries to quit, I feel like each and every time, they need to feel welcomed. It's their life they are playing with. Myself included. There is a line from being an enabler to being a supporter. And that varies from person to person.

 

Maybe I misread your post and if I did, then I apologize.

I, personally, don't care how many times someone tries to quit, I feel like each and every time, they need to feel welcomed. It's their life they are playing with. Myself included.

 

.

Agreed.

So, welcome back Tiffany. :)

I'm on a phone so I can't see your ticker and/or quit date, but I'm assuming you've boarded the train again.

Glad to see you here and I look forward to your posts.