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When addiction gets up close and personal



I've been sick a few days and today I feel much much better, but also home alone since Friday. And that gives me way too much time to think, ponder, over-analyse and lose myself in addiction thinking. So I hung on like a crazy woman. Reading a lot of this and watching a lot of that to keep my head clear in a very literal way. I also wrote down a lot of lies that my addiction keeps telling me in this quit. Time to address one and deal with it.

"What does it matter anyway, you are not worth it... " 
This is a big red flag to me. I have been depressed in the past, and addiction is a mean s.o.b.
 I'll spare you the details, but I have been fighting and working real hard to be " just happy" from a real early age, and I am happier than I have ever been at the moment. 
Until that tiny moment I feel lonely or panicky or anything that even resembles that past feeling, my brain reverts back to suicidal tendencies. Not that I want to- but my brain is so programmed to have that way out, that it will go there without my consent. Like a tiny seed that will always be there and starts growing the moment you look away. And my addiction is using that to wiggle it's way in again. On one side - " The urge to find peace and quiet" . Because that's what I actually wanted.. not death, but I was so tired of fighting and surviving.. I just wanted some peace and quiet. And on the other side - "The need to stop fighting and let life go"  - and the cig will make sure off that eventually.

But I choose Life

Every day
And I enjoy the heck out of it! 

I wanted to address the topic of depression and addiction, because I know many are struggling and are ashamed to go into these kinds of thoughts. I have learned to talk about them, openly. The thoughts and feelings are only a danger if I keep them in the shadows and hide them. And I don't want to be part of this statistic - I want to be the exception to the rule! 






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Hi Viv,

I've had depression for most of my adult life and it's a bitch. It feels like it's not the real me but that side can be a bully and kick away the real me from time to time. I know where you're coming from.

I like to think that only intelligent people get depression so I comfort myself with that sometimes. 😉

In the smoking context, we both know cigs do jack shit to help anything or are a medication for any condition. My level of depression is not changed one iota with or without cigs so I may as well be depressed without smoking than be depressed with COPD or cancer.

I've been on and off anti-depressants for years and it's about time we removed the stigma from such maladies and openly say, "Yeah, I've got depression. I've a job and family and it's managed. It's a physical illness, what's the big deal with you knowing?"

Of course other folks may not be able to be employed with the condition but the above is just my example. 

There are many levels of depression and I'm mostly OK but when I'm not, my world seems to have a grey coating on it where nothing seems interesting or worth the effort and there's a lot of pessimism about big and even small matters eg. I'm not even going to watch England play, I know they'll lose. That was a 'small matter' example by the way. 😀

So there it is for all the World to read - I've got managed depression and if anyone thinks less of me for that, they can f**k off!

Comon Viv, we can whinge and moan together but never with a cigarette in hand, that's the only stipulation.




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47 minutes ago, mightyboosh said:

Comon Viv, we can whinge and moan together but never with a cigarette in hand, that's the only stipulation


I'll make that deal with you Mighty!

Thank you for being so open about your experience- it means a lot to me.



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Well, you two are not alone.  I have battled anxiety and depression my whole life.  There are many of us.  You are right mightyboosh, I am still depressed when smoking, so why smoke.  

Depression is an illness and is treatable.  Sometimes it takes the right doctor and medication.  Viv, I am glad you choose life and have decided to quit smoking.  You will get more powerful with your quit.  If the depression becomes unmanageable, see your doctor.  

Edited by Linda Thomas
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Thank you Vivianne and Phil for sharing your stories. Many of our members who also have depression have found that with time they had fewer episodes since quitting. I hope this is true for you two as well :)

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I'm proud of you guys ,sharing your experiences.....you are never alone here...

Talking is always a good thing ....

Upwards and onwards ...❤❤❤


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I thought depression was a normal thing , because i have it everyday due to financial reasons and cultural reasons .Its almost like depression is a normal thing in this country .

Every where you look you can see depressed people  , lol


But i know i am more privileged than most of my neighbors financially .


Then i have positive times too , Maybe life is like that . I don't know one person that is happy all the time .


Please think positive , The beginning stages of the quit are the hardest , It only becomes more easy and easy .


You also become more healthier and healthier as time passes by .


I have cravings too sometimes , that is because i am very bored sometimes .


I am even waiting for a new job , currently i am unemployed even after a 90% complete Bsc computer science degree and a Bba degree which i am about to finish in a month through a distance education university .


Please think about all the positive achievements


Life is still mostly dull for me .

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