Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    9
  • comments
    53
  • views
    123

Bad day

Vivianne

172 views

I am stuck,  I have so many negatives thoughts and they are stopping me to post an sos, or pm someone - or just get help. So I am forcing myself to type this blog, without leaving this page or deleting the whole thing. 

What happened? 
Well it started with a dream I had last night. I was at an airport with my ex (the one where I experienced my last relapse with 2 years ago after a nine months quit). And he was yelling at me, screaming, I had to get him cigarettes but due to a new law I had to identify myself as someone who worked there - and I didn't.. so I couldn't get any. The verbal abuse got to me again, I felt so small and guilty about everything I was doing wrong... and a cigarette magically appeared in my hand, and I lit it.. and I smoked it.. and it felt so gross.. but I kept going. My need to survive was out the door. 
And then I woke up. And that feeling still had a hold on me, I can't shake it off today. My addiction is trying to trick me again, I know it is... but it doesn't feel that way.. 

I feel sad, I feel like crying, I feel weak.. I have such an awesome boyfriend now, I love him with every fiber of my being, he knows what happened to me and he lets me vent when I feel a pattern coming on. He understands, he has been in the same boat, so he knows what kind of impact it has if someone is constantly belittling you, making you doubt your own sanity, and when you do break down crying accuses you of manipulation or grabs you so hard that you have bruises for two weeks. 

The dream with the emotions and the smoking.. I am so scared that I can't handle it.. I don't want to give in, I need to win this fight! Where the hell did my strength go? 



10 Comments


Recommended Comments

You are a very strong person. Living with an abusive partner takes so much strength and courage. 

 

You dreamt of two negatives from your past but the important piece is you left them both behind. They ruined your life and your quit but they are gone. 

 

You have to keep your mind in the present and focus on your quit and your awesome partner. That is all that matters and all that is important. 

 

Don't give either of those two past negatives in your life any power. Be glad they are both gone. 

 

If you smoked under these circumstances all you will do is give your ex that manipulating abusive power back. You're worth so much more x x

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1

Share this comment


Link to comment

@Lilly thank you so much.. kinda made me cry.. 

I will not give my ex, addiction and past any more power, you are right.. 

Having a hard time to seperate emotions from reality.. 

 

Ps. The fact that I posted this here means I do feel safe now.. and that's all on you guys..

  • Like 3

Share this comment


Link to comment

The place in your brain that is responsible for your survival on an emotional level is also where the nicotine receptors are located.  That's why nicotine addiction is tricky to overcome, your brain without nicotine will often switch over to a survival mode and dump adrenaline into your body.  This creates a panic and edgy feeling.  What helps is to start recognizing what's happening and use your rational brain to calm yourself.  This episode started with a dream.  Dreams aren't reality.  The reality is you have a kind and supportive boyfriend.  The reality is you haven't smoked.  Go for a walk to burn off the adrenaline.  Have you read about HALT?  Your strength is still there.  Have you read MLMR journey in the thread Introsucksion?

 

Edited by Paul723
  • Like 3
  • Thanks 2

Share this comment


Link to comment
2 minutes ago, Paul723 said:

The place in your brain that is responsible for your survival on an emotional level is also where the nicotine receptors are located.  That's why nicotine addiction is tricky to overcome, your brain without nicotine will often switch over to a survival mode and dump adrenaline into your body.  This creates a panic and edgy feeling.  What helps is to start recognizing what's happening and use your rational brain to calm yourself.  This episode started with a dream.  Dreams aren't reality.  The reality is you have a kind and supportive boyfriend.  The reality is you haven't smoked.  Go for a walk to burn off the adrenaline.  Have you read about HALT?  Your strength is still there.  Have you read MLMR journey in the thread Introsuksion?

 

This helps alot!!

I did read them, but as a brain in panick mode does it didn't recall it when needed.

So thank you!!! This makes sense!!

  • Like 2

Share this comment


Link to comment

@Paul723 and taking your advise right away! I am getting the dog and go for a long brisk walk in the rain... 

 

So if I don't respond right away, don't worry! I am walking it off!!

  • Like 3

Share this comment


Link to comment

Vivian,  I have dealt with very abusive parents in my lifetime and over the last three years I have been taking care of them because they are old and have failing health.  I was so beat down and very depressed.  

I then found this forum and started to quit smoking.  As I posted SOS's and my feelings, many people here noted that I was dealing with abuse.  They encouraged me and made sure I knew that I was gaining power with my quit.  It is now a year later and I have walked away from the burden and feel so powerful and in control of my life.  

Yes the addiction is going to try and play on these emotions but you need to realize how strong you are.  I have been so impressed with the way you are pushing through your quit.

I promise that as you keep powering through, you will become so strong.  You are an awesome woman and your new relationship sounds wonderful.  I know you are going to have a happy smoke free life!

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 2

Share this comment


Link to comment

Not really adding anything new here but still gunna chuck in me two bobs worth....so @Paul723 gave you the science....those nicotine receptors are going bat shit crazy as you starve them and turn them off one by one...they are in panic mode....and in the past when you are stressed or scared you smoked...so the little buggers push the shit out of those buttons. There were a whole slew of things I thought I'd dealt with as a kid that resurfaced when I quit .. things I thought were resolved bubbled to the surface...the way I looked at for me it was all about control and I couldn't control my childhood or change the past what I could control was smoking...I was in charge of that...I controlled that...and I kinda liked being the fat controller.....but it boils down to two things said already... (Paraphrased) As @Lilly said YOU ARE WORTH IT...and @Linda Thomas said we are here for you. You aren't alone, you are safe, and I can guarantee at least one other member here has walked in your shoes.

 

As you grow you your freedom you level up to the next version of yourself...still the same but stronger and with smoke free super powers.

  • Like 4

Share this comment


Link to comment

You don't smoke anymore, Ms V.

So, let these anxieties and fears wash right out of you.

They belong to the addiction.

You are a free woman, now,

building yourself a strong and sturdy quit.

 

Make sure you reward yourself for conquering the latest episodes, this is important work.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1

Share this comment


Link to comment

Oh Vivianne, I'm sorry you had such a bad day. Those feelings are normal early on as our brain adjusts to no more chemicals or nicotine. You've been given great advice and support above.

Lean on us whenever you need, call your boyfriend or better yet go play the more fun version of chicks and sticks with him lol.

It won't be long before your self esteem starts rising and all the emotions you're going through right now calm down  :)

  • Like 1

Share this comment


Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

About us

QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

Our Message Board Guidelines

Get in touch

Follow us

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Guidelines