So, without getting into too much detail, I have this friend who overstepped her bounds a bit.  She asked me if I mind if she does a particular thing.  We have talked about it before, and I haven't told her she can't, but have expressed discomfort with it.  She kind of brushes me off and justifies herself doing it anyway.    

 

I really should just be upfront with her and say no, but our sons are good friends, and I really didn't want it to be a "thing."  I don't like conflict at all.  I wish she would have sensed my discomfort and dropped the matter, since it has come up like 3 times or more. I've tried to express my discomfort nicely.  I've never said, "Oh yeah, you can do that. I don't mind at all!" 

 

In my opinion, she knows I mind, otherwise she wouldn't have to ask.  This morning, she texted, "do you mind.....?   Blah blah .... If it's okay?"

 

I texted her back several hours later saying "Sure."  Then she sends me this dumb emoji that says COOL.  Ugh!  My own fault.  I should have just said, "I'd rather you didn't."  But then I sound like the bad guy, and she really isn't hurting anything, but that isn't the point.  

 

I asked a friend a "do you mind" favor once.  After the fact, I realized that she did mind, but was being nice.  I bought her lunch to thank her and never asked her again. 

 

Anyway, there is no dilemma really.  I should have been more direct in the first place cuz now it is a thing, and I keep allowing it to go on.

 

Grrr - mad at myself!   :( 

 

 

Don't be mad at yourself Petra.  You're a nice person and some people make it damn near impossible to be nice to them.  That's not your fault.

 

Good luck.

I am stifling so many inappropriate zingers right now...

 

If it were me - and not knowing what this "thing" is - I'd consider saying something like "maybe not this time" the next time it comes up. It falls short of a permanent rejection and reversal of your previous accomodation, but also sends a signal that you can't be expected to roll over every time, and maybe you're getting close to your limit. Hopefully she'll do the calculation and decide it's not worth pushing it.

Hun, boundaries: their invented for a reason. If you not set them and she crosses them... it's your own 'fault' so yes make it a deal sweety :) is she doesn't respect boundaries, she's not a real friend or worth doing that thing for ;) (((hugs)))

I suggest that you bring it up and tell her you do mind.  I know it is hard.  I do this type of thing all the time too (putting others'  feelings before my own) and I end up feeling bad. Yesterday an old  friend asked to borrow a very large sum of money.  I said no. I have lent money in the past to him and have not got paid back. I am not working and even though I have the money. I do not want to lend it to him. Now I feel bad as he sounded very needy and I care for him but I knew that if I did do it and he did not pay me back, I would feel very resentful and our friendship would end. 

Hmm two thoughts to share with you.

 

The energy around (and therefore part of all choices you and others make) is very pushy and forthright right now. People are being overly bold and daring, so I think maybe she suspects it might wind you up.  

 

The 2nd thought is this and how I deal with boundaries and feelings, ask yourself - will it matter in two years?  If in two years this thing will be important then you have a duty to yourself to correct it, for peace of mind. If it won't matter in two years then move on.  My other advice is to sleep on it but you've clearly already done that.

 

Dunno if that helps but just in case it does, I shared.  Hugs to you, it can be quite uncomfortable for some to say what they need to for fear of upsetting people. But in future perhaps think on it as being respectful and true to the friendship or aquaintence - after all, we all like to know where we stand. Maybe that will help you see it not as hurting someones feelings but respecting each others. xx

I struggle with the ..no...word...people pleaser...practice practice...

But I do believe my friends would understand...if I said ..not right now ...

Thanks, y'all. 

 

Yes, if it comes back around, I will have to tell her directly how I feel about it.  If it means she gets all pissy about it, well, that's what it will be. 

 

It's causing me negative stress though, and I am trying really hard right now to rid negativity and add positivity. 

 

In the great big scheme of things, it's no big deal.  However, on the small scheme it affects me and my neighbors, so I need to address it if it comes up again.   

I am a big fan of expressing how I feel. Holding things in breeds toxicity, so if you can find a gentle way of saying how you feel then go for that, otherwise just be upfront. ;) 

I'm dying to know what this "thing" is. We are in "off the record". Lol

I am picturing no clothes and baby oil.....