Down in a Hole

[Pilgrim]

Yesterday was day seven of my quit. In the evening I made a sudden, conscious decision to smoke. It's like I stood at the rim and looked down in to the pit that is nicotine addiction and willingly jumped in that sweet, destructive hole again. Now I'm in it, with a few old cigarettes and half a bottle of vape liquid (about 5ml), telling myself I'll use this stuff up before I start the strenuous climb back to the surface. A day or two at most.

[SD2026]

I'm so sorry you struggled yesterday @Pilgrim  You made it to almost a full 7 days which shows some strength,  I'm glad you said that you made the conscious decision to smoke, accountability.  It IS hard and even months down the line there are days you'll feel that desire but we know it can be done!  I too had a strong desire to smoke yesterday, randomly, but I'm NOT giving up 4 months of my quit for what? To inhale poison? No.

 

I know you know this but if you feel that strong desire again, maybe you can reach out here on the SOS thread and someone can help distract you?  I'm assuming you had the cigarettes in your home and the vape too, it's always best to get rid of it when you quit, even lighters. Get rid of all the temptation from your home.  

 

I hope you're ok and not too hard on yourself (but not too lightly either ), we know it's difficult but it's a battle that is worth fighting!

Let's get Day 1 started! 

 

[Pilgrim]

Yeah, it was probably the leftover cigs and liquid.... I know it's self-destruction but I want to use it up and then quit again when my supply is exhausted. 

[Pilgrim]

Yeah, it was probably the leftover cigs and liquid.... I know it's self-destruction but I want to use it up and then quit again when my supply is exhausted.

 

I've been reflecting a lot as I relapse. I had the old, crumpled pack of cigarettes stuffed down the side-pocket of my backpack since long before I quit. I thought my vape liquid (my preferred means of nicotine delivery) had run dry - that was actually my starting point for this Quit - but discovered a half full bottle just after relapsing and was pleased.

 

In my seven days Quit I was biking and jogging almost daily. I was just starting to enjoy the sensation of my lungs opening up and my sense of smell sharpening. It felt good.

 

The relapse has been intense. I went from just one cigarette to one an hour ...in one cigarette. And of course I couldn't wait to get home from my night shift to dig out the vape and load it up. Since then it's been shameful surrender to the addiction. I can feel my body saturated in nicotine and those sweet endorphins it releases. I can feel all the old, familiar monsters too. The stink, the cold, the jitters, the pain and the fear ...the toll.

 

It's so sweet, and oh so stupid.

 

This time when the cigarettes and liquid run out I'll hit the road running and won't look back.

[Reciprocity]

Sorry to hear you relapsed @Pilgrim As you've pointed out, this addiction is strong and requires the utmost, unwavering commitment to leave it behind.

 

I worry you haven't seemed to be able to reach this level of commitment and are still, somewhere in the back of your mind, romancing the cigarette (& vape) and only putting a toe into the water of quitting. The reason I say this is that you aren't willing to just destroy those cigs & the vape. You want to use it up before starting another quit. You MUST jump into your quit fully ... no matter what comes at you. It's the only way any of us can be successful. These rules don't just apply to you, they apply across the board ... to ALL of us. All of us here on the Quit Train want you to reach your goal of being smoke free for life but the primary ingredient to success is within you and you MUST find a way to bring that commitment out and make it your number 1 priority through the period of withdrawal and beyond it until you learn once again how to live your life as a non-smoker. It's the only road to success. We all must travel it; there's no shortcuts. 

 

We all stand here eager and willing to support you!

[Doreensfree]

Pilgrim 

Somewhere in your mind your not 

understanding the Law of Addiction 

All the information we have it hasn’t 

gelled.

You still believe in the cigarette and it’s lies 

Have you read The easy way by Allen Carr

it has helped millions to quit , me included.

You reminded me of the little mouse on his wheel, never getting off 

You have to jump off and stay off 

Throw out all the cigs , vapes lighters etc 

We have a SOS . you didn’t use that 

Quitting takes you fully committed 

You can do it …I know you can , cos I did it 

[QuittingGirl]

I'm sorry to hear that you went back again, but my advice to you is, Number 1, GET RID OF ALL YOUR SMOKING PARAPHERNALIA! Every bit of it; cigs, vapes, ashtrays, lighters, matches, everything!  Throw it out in the garbage, but not the garbage in your house or outside your house.  Find a public garbage and get rid of it!  You cannot have any smoking materials near you!  If you want to seriously quit, you need to do this!! I know you can do this @Pilgrim, but you have to listen to all of us, and most of all, YOU HAVE TO WANT IT!!  If you don't want it, this won't happen.  You have to reach deep inside yourself, talk to yourself and realize that the only way you will quit smoking is, if YOU want it!  We can support you and help you, give you advice and tricks to help, but YOU must want it!  It won't work otherwise!  I'm sorry if I seem harsh but, it's the ONLY way!  Come on here every single day and do the NOPE pledge, stay close to the board, play the games, just do it!!  This is my 2nd time quitting, the first time I quit for 6 years and then went back, but I believe if I found this board back then, I would have never gone back to smoking.  Support is the key Pilgrim, addicts need support, and we are ALL ADDICTS!! I hope you take all of our advice, because we know exactly what you are going through!!!  

 

JUST DO IT!!!

[Pilgrim]

@Reciprocity you're right on target about my romancing nicotine. I shamefully love the addiction. It's time to shift my devotion to my health and overall quality of life and buckle down with resolve. Starting tonight, by my estimate.

@ I've read Easy Way and watched videos about this addiction. I held a Quit for over 10 years. At a point in my life I would have bet money on never being addicted to nicotine again. I understand it's self-destructive folly. That's why I'm here. you're right tho, I need to steel my resolve. I'll dump all my paraphernalia this time.

@QuittingGirl yes, as you likely just read, I'll dump it all. 6 years, huh? You definitely get me. I picked up a pack of cinnamon sticks today.

Thanky you all so much for the support, including you @SD2026. I appreciate the wisdom and encouragement from each of you.

 

[QuittingGirl]

Yup I gave up a 6 year quit, and like I said, if I found this place back then, I would not have gone back to smoking. Glad you got the sticks because they really do help.  I used them for about 2 months or so.  The longer you stay quit, the withdrawal will get less and less. You just need to stick with it!!

[Minnie Mouse]

I wasn't going to reply to your post because your self-talk clearly tells me you don't really want to Stay Quit.  Not really.

 

You made a "sudden conscious decision to smoke".  You had time to change your thought(s) but quickly & willingly chose to smoke/vape again because you wanted to rather than to Stay Quit.  You "discovered a half full bottle" and was pleased.  "It's so sweet".  Again, you didn't want to Stay Quit.  When you want to smoke/vape you tell yourself it's okay because you can always quit again after using up your supplies rather than throwing them away or whatever excuse you tell yourself.  (Is using them up more important to you than your quit?  Obviously.)  Your self-talk sucks as you already know and you are willing to quickly shuck your smoke free time over & over again.  You need to change.

 

Not smoking after you quit is a commitment, a free choice, a promise to yourself.  (Do you keep your promises?)  To quit (over & over again) is easy; to Stay Quit no matter how much you want to smoke, no matter what you tell yourself, no matter how you feel is what you need to work on.  You listen to your demon self-talk too easily.  You need to get off the Merry-Go-Round ... that is if you really want to Stay Quit.  

 

(I will post an oldie blog of mine from another community I titled "Merry-Go-Round" in the Discussion Section.  It's doable and I still believe in you.  You have to do more than "just" want it though.  You have to choose it and take smoking as an option off the table from Day One to make each day a Day Won.)

 

 

Edited Sunday at 01:00 AM by Minnie Mouse

[DenaliBlues]

Sorry to hear about your relapse @Pilgrim. Good on you for coming back to the Train and being honest about your experiences. 

 

The tough part of this addiction is that it tricks our mind into thinking that smoking is “gratifying” or “satisfying.” It’s not. The only thing nicotine does is make us want more nicotine.

 

Break those chains, buddy. You can do this!

 

[Doreensfree]

I shamefully love the addiction 

 

We all thought we did 

You are a Nicotine Addict , but that’s not because you love it 

Its because the Tobacco Companies work dam hard to keep you hooked 

if it was just plain tobacco in cigarettes you wouldn’t smoke it , the taste would be too horrible,it’s all the sweet stuff they put in to make it more enjoyable,

Watch  the Documentary’s on our main page . It’s a eye opener , 

This was the point I hated smoking and voiced not to give them another penny of my hard earned money .

Put your whole self in Pilgrim not one foot 

Let’s get this done

[Pilgrim]

Here goes. Dumping all the paraphernalia now.

 

 

[QuittingGirl]

I hope you took that out of your house so you can't get to it again.

[Pilgrim]

@QuittingGirl I did!

[Doreensfree]

Good for you Pilgrim 

Re read all the information on the Main

Discussion Board 

Put some tools in your toolbox to help you 

along

Daily Pledge … stay close

[johnny5]

On 5/9/2026 at 8:46 AM, Pilgrim said:

At a point in my life I would have bet money on never being addicted to nicotine again. I understand it's self-destructive folly. That's why I'm here. you're right tho, I need to steel my resolve. I'll dump all my paraphernalia this time.

 

Not trying to be negative but when you get to where I assume all of us were at one point, smoking for years and being addicted to nicotine (whether we admit it or not), we are all nicotine addicts.  

 

My last few years as a smoker, I made multiple attempts to quit.  Some quits lasted a few days, some a few weeks, but ultimately I kept fooling myself into thinking that one cigarette wouldn't hurt.  Everytime I lit back up, it would take me a while to attempt a quit again because the addiction to nicotine was re-awakened.

 

I now know that I am a nicotine addict and will be until my last day of life.  That addiction is dormant now and, over time, has really became something that really didn't tempt me anymore.  But I understand now that I CAN NEVER SMOKE AGAIN.  If I do, it will re-awaken the addiction and I will be back to where I was on the day I smoked my last cigarette.  

 

I hated hearing this from non-smokers when I smoked but the key to quitting smoking is not smoking.  Everytime you light up, it re-awakens the addiction.

 

You can do this but you have to make smoking NOT an option.

[Reciprocity]

Glad you're back on the traim @Pilgrim  You've got rid of all your smoking materials so that's a big step forward!

As Johnny said, consider smoking NO LONGER AN OPTION, no matter what. Take the concept of feeding your addiction completely off the table because it's no longer possible for you.

 

One day at a time will get you there!

[DenaliBlues]

Glad you’re back on track @Pilgrim! When that “stinkin thinkin” comes back (which it will), stay strong. You CAN do this once you take smoking off the table. We’re here to help!

[SD2026]

Well done on disposing of your paraphernalia @Pilgrim  If, or more accurately WHEN  you feel the urge to smoke/vape gets too much, please do post here. Continue with the daily pledge, it'll set you up in a positive mind frame, it does for me anything and hopefully it will for you too!  We're all rooting for you, believe in yourself. The days you feel weak, post here and fight it!