So for the past two weeks we have been having some major issues with the hubby's ex wife (let's call her B.  Well, really I have been having to deal with this for about seven years but it always comes in waves.  So a little background:

 

• They got divorced after she cheated on him and things went very south.  She filed for divorce. 
• She tried to brainwash the children against their father from the beginning of the divorce...some of them fell for it and it took years for him to repair but all of the kids now come to stay with us on a regular basis.  In fact the oldest daughter who would barely speak to him for years now lives with us full time.  (well, for now).
• B is now an alcoholic and has liver failure.  She needs a transplant.  She has been in and out of the hospital for over a year now. 
• As the kids get older, they begin to realize who is the unreasonable (crazy) one.  The oldest son got kicked out when he was 16.  He had gotten mad at his mother because she had had several different men stay over at the house during one week's time.  She got mad when he said something and kicked him out.  He lived with us for about a year and a half.  He went back his senior year of HS.  And who wouldn't honestly?  He was given a detached garage as a room so didn't have to stay in the house, allowed to drive without a license, allowed to drink underage and have all his buddies over drinking, skip school, etc. 
• B got fired from her job at the school when someone smelled alcohol on her breath that morning.  She had driven her kids to school that morning.  A couple weeks later, she got a DUI.  She still drinks to this day.
• The oldest daughter came to live with us this past August.  She got kicked out bc she told B's family (her mother, father, brother, etc) that B was still drinking.  She pulled her stash out of the truck and showed it to everyone. 

So many crazy things have happened in the past.  If I wrote all of them, it would be a book.  I have written many of the incidents down so that I can accurately remember what happened in case it is ever needed for court.  But like I said, the past two weeks have been a nightmare. 

 

It all started a couple of Fridays ago.  Some of you may have seen my crazy curse thread.  She called the hubby to see if I could pick her daughter up from school.  I was already on my way to her house to pick up her other daughter for her softball tournament that weekend.  So hubby calls me to see where I am and I informed him that I could get her but would be about 15 minutes late.  I had left a little later becuase I wasn't supposed to get anyone from school.  BTW she called at about 3:10 and the girls get out at 3:30.  It takes me at least 35 minutes to get to the school from my house, so I would have been late either way.  Anyway, B got extremely mad and hung up on him.  She had just gotten out of the hospital again so I figured she had wanted me to pick her up bc she wasn't feeling well.  No...she wanted to shopping at Lowe's and had already been on her way.  She was mad she had to turn around and pick up her daughter from school.  So in her anger, she picks up her daughter and the daughter that I was headed to get and takes them to Lowe's...in a totally different town.  She tells her daughter she is not allowed to go to the softball tournament.   I get to their house and no one is there.  I just wasted about an hour and a half of my time not to mention gas money driving there.  She knew that I was on my way and my stepdaughter later told me that B was laughing about the fact that I had driven all the way over there for nothing.  Nice.  So anyway, my stepson just happened to be in the same town and saw them at Lowe's.  He called my hubby to let him know.  Hubby stopped there on the way home from work, got his daughter and she went to her tournament.

 

So on Sunday evening, softball stepdaughter is fed up with her mother.  She calls her and winds up telling her that she is going to live here.  Over the next few days, B refuses to let her daughter come to the house to get any clothes for school.  Finally, hubby and her are able to come to an agreement...if we bring all her clothes, etc. that the girls have borrowed from her and never returned, her daughter could come get her stuff.  So I spent almost 3 hours that day going through their whole room, refolding everything in an effort to find their mother's stuff and make more room for the SD who moved in.  I pulled out everything that I knew was hers and then made the girls do the same that night.  We took all her stuff to her and my stepdaughter was able to go get some clothes.  While we were there, a young lady who lives with them (B's stepson's girlfriend) told us that B had taken the SD's puppy that she got for Christmas last year and took it out of the fenced yard and just let it go.  My SD was very upset about this and asked me what she should do.  I called hubby to see what he wanted to do and he said just bring the dog.  They have already had two dogs picked up by animal control for running loose in the neighborhood.  I am sure those dogs are now dead as our local shelter does not hold them for long.  Those kids have gone through soooo many animals in the time I have known them it disgusts me.  Picked up by animal control, run over, shot at, killed by coyotes, run away, "stolen"....you name it...it has happened.  Anyway the dog was also very skinny like no one was feeding it.  We are animal people and we can't just watch a dog suffer, be starved or thrown out in the world to face an almost certain death.  So the dog comes with us. 

 

A couple of days ago my other SD who already lives with us calls from the hospital (B was in hospital again) and says she found a kitten.  We have told her for a little while that she could get a kitten but we really wanted it to be weaned/litter trained...not so tiny tiny that one of our big dogs could just step on it and kill it accidentally.  She has already made it very clear that she is jealous that the other SD got to bring her dog and she has been begging for a puppy/kitten for weeks.  (We already have 4 dogs and 2 cats but these children have been raised to not care for an animal unless it is specifically "their pet".)  So hubby lets her bring it home.  Of course we don't want it to die.  Come to find out later that there were 2 other kittens with it and most likely mama cat was somewhere nearby...but that's another story. 

 

So now I have an additional kid (which is great...she needs to be here...they all do) another dog and a kitten.  A dog who has been trying to attack my dogs and chewing everything in sight since it got here.  A tiny kitten that we are LUCKY is eating solid foods bc it must be just barely weaned.  And who takes care of these animals while they are at school/their grandparents/their friends?  Oh yeah...me.  Oh well, I should just be thankful that the kitten is weaned and I am not having to bottle feed it every couple of hours and the the dog attacks are slowly becoming less frequent thanks to my husband and the power of the pack.  I do wish Ace would grow a pair and put that puppy in it's place but he is being a gentleman so far.

 

So yesterday was the 16 year anniversary of my mom's death.  I just wanted this one day without drama.  As soon as I heard B was getting out of the hospital again...I knew that would not happen.  Sure enough...11pm the drama starts.  B shows up with her hubby to pick the two younger girls up who had been staying with us while she was in the hospital.  I have always, through all the drama, bit my tongue.  No that's not true...I can think of one time in the last 7 years that she and I have gotten into it.  She had been here with one of her random boyfriend and he asked my hubby if he wanted to smoke a bowl with him.  I didn't find out until after they had left so I texted B to let her know what had happend.  I figured she would want to know that there were drugs in the car with her and her children and she lost it on me.  We had a bit of a texting war that night.  But anyway, sidetracked...I wouldn't say I lost it last night...I just wasn't very pleasant.  I rudely asked what time it was when they pulled up...I laughed out loud at some ridiculous comment she made, I rudely answered "A cat" when B tried to change the subject and ask me what was sitting on my porch, and I left abruptly and told the hubby let's go.  Sorry, that's the first time I have seen you since you laughed at me and you caught me on a bad day.

 

So today I went to pick SD up from school and had to stop by B's house to drop off one of the younger girls laundry that I finished today.  (She had put laundry in one day and then her mom wound up in the hospital.  She can't stay at the house when her mother isn't there so she didn't get to finish it.  Her 22 year old step brother got mad that she didn't finish her laundry and took all of the clothes from the washer and dryer and dumped them on her bed with a note saying "This is not how we do laundry..."  We discovered this Tuesday and half of it was still wet and stunk so I had to re wash everything.)  Anyway, I stayed in the car and one of the girls brought the laundry in.  I did not get out...did not talk to anyone.  B pulled up while we were there but I did not speak to her.  About five  minutes after we left I get a call from the hubby and he says "I am guessing that didn't go very well?"  I asked why do you say that?  He said "BC she just called me bitching."  I say, "Who?"  He says "B".  I ask, "About what?"  He says, "You."  Apparently she told him that she has never been anything but nice to me and there is no need for me to come to her house and tell her children what to do.  I didn't get out of the car...I didn't speak to any of them...WTF is she talking about?  Anyway, I am now not allowed to come to her house.  So I have to wonder...the next time she goes into the hospital, who will take the kids to school...who will pick them up....who will take them to their sports...who will do all of it bc usually I do. 

 

So somewhere in the middle of all this mess I smoked again and still am.  I used stress as an excuse to smoke and I know that it is not helping.  I need to set another quit date and will post on the main forum when I do.  But honestly right now I am trying to convince myself to stay in this relationship even though it is harder than I ever imagined it would be.  Does anyone else deal with a crazy ex?  I knew it wouldn't be an easy road as a stepparent but this is ridiculous.  I can't imagine not being with my husband but I don't know if I can handle this life anymore.  I can't open my mouth unless it is to bend over and kiss her ass.  Otherwise, I am the bitch.  I can't have an opinion, show an emotion.  Everyone else can say and do whatever they please...but I can't.  If you are still reading I applaud you and thank you.  I just had to vent. 

B sounds like an unfit parent.  It's one thing to have issues with your ex and quite another to expose your children to that kind of environment.  I say "never" with caution but people like B never change.  It's a rare event when one does.  You and your HB have to find some way to not let this miserable woman ruin your relationship.  How is the $65,000,000 question.  It's so hard when kids are involved.

 

Now, work on that quit date sooner than later.  You've quit before and always have relapsed because of stress.  Stress was the reason for my relapse.  I hoped it would help and it didn't and I'm still dealing with the same issues almost 8 months later but only now I don't have the stress of having to smoke or that black cloud of death hanging over my head.

 

Keep your chin up and don't lose sight of the prize.

That sounds just awful. B obviously is a miserable human being who should have never had all these kids, but what's done is done huh?

 

I didn't really understand the "you're the bitch" part, does your HB side with B? If so - maybe then really it's time to change things. You can not keep accommodating B and her failures, it's probably just as unhealthy to you as smoking.

Perhaps you can take a break? I know that's what I would try to do. Take the kitten and go somewhere for a week to recharge and try to find the best course of action in peace.

 

All the best to you, I hope everything works out somehow in the end :) You know that smoking ultimately doesn't change anything so please try again when your are ready :)

Hi Trish that was hard to write I know, yes I have had to deal with crazy Ex bitch wives when there are children involved they use them as a tool against the ex

 

you know what, you have to stop trying to be the perfect mother and just be there as much as you can and you have to be the crazy bitch when it comes to the ex

 

7 years ago my s/o ex was treating him very bad he was a good father she was the one who left him for a neighbour and took his 9 year old daughter, he was not allowed to go see her school plays etc, he travelled miles to visit once a fortnight when he was allowed he paid well over the odds for her welfare etc etc i could go on and on - my s/o took all this as he didnt want to loose his daughter all together 3 years ago we found out that the guy she ran off with was a pervert and molested his daughter from 9 - 15 years of age he is now in prison!

 

it was me and my s/o mainly me that got her through that court case and all that goes with it and all the time his ex was feeling sorry for herself 

 

after the case finished it was business as usual and she went on to still be horrible to ex - really???

 

his daughter was in hospital for her appendix to be taken out - who was there when you woke up me, her mother was working!! 

 

I took all this as the ex had parental control and I kept my mouth shut for S/O sake but I swore that the day she turned 18 was the day I have my day with Ex

 

My advise - stand up to her! dont take no crap! be there for the kids if they need you but don`t ass kiss no one

 

I admire you for the effort and sacrifice you have put in and I am sure you are emotionally drained and exhausted as I don`t see anywhere in the above where there is room for Trish, you are running around doing all you can for all the others!

 

been there done that! 

 

time to take back control here Trish

 

Start  your quit for your own sake - hey use the quit bitch for ex ;)

 

take some time out for yourself and reset some ground rules here

 

you are going above and beyond the call of duty - feel sorry for the ex that she is ill - NFW (you should work that one out ;))

 

come on Trish we will support you, you need someone in your corner!

Wow.

 

All Parties get a big bad bandit hug.

 

Trish.

 

You can only control who YOU are and how YOU behave. YOU know what is right and wrong.

 

You cannot worry about what other people do, say or think. That is up to them.

 

It sounds like you are having one hell of a time. 

 

You are a strong, loving person - just be you. The truth will win in the end.

 

Smoking? Smoke 60 a day if you like.

 

They won't change one little thing about the ex, or the kids, or the other half. They will kill you of course. But not for a while.

 

So - my onefluffylegged friend - GREAT VENT.

 

Now put the cigarette down, control what you can control and quit smoking - otherwise, I will get Jimmy to come across and hit you with his bus! 

OK... don't quite kinow how you put up with any of that to be honest.

 

But I am glad that you ralised that you are just using it all as an excuse to smoke... good for you.  Smoking with not make B be less of a bitch.  I think you are doing too much, and maybe your husband can step in, because you connot keep doing what you are doing, or you will blow a gasket...

 

If there is ever anything I can do, let me know.

Yeah .... umm ...  sorry 'bout your situation and all that but we all deal with a metric crap-ton of stressors in our lives.

 

What does that have to do with smoking?

 

Why do you insist on connecting the two, as if they were somehow related.

 

HINT: They're not.[1]

 

Non smokers have stress, too ... and they don't go run to light one up.

 

Until you learn to uncouple stress from smoking a cigarette, you will repeat the inevitable.

 

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

 

FOOTNOTE:

[1] Actually, they are - but in the reverse way that you have them associated in your mind. Smoking CAUSES additional stress, it doesn't relieve a thing. Not a damned thing.

sorry your dealing with all of this but quit again asap for your sake not anyelse do this for you smoking wont help hang in there trish  you can do this 

Thanks everyone.  I think I will be reevalutaing my role in this family and if I have to sit back and do nothing for anyone else and just worry about myself than so be it. 

 

B sounds like an unfit parent.  It's one thing to have issues with your ex and quite another to expose your children to that kind of environment.

You are absolutely right.  She is beyond unfit.  And why he has never tried to take the kids is beyond me.  I know he doesn't want them to be mad at him for it but you have to draw the line somewhere.  Apparently he called a lawyer yesterday and they said it would be $4,000 to start.  We don't have that kind of money just sitting around unfortunately.  If he is serious about it this time he can fix his own credit and get the money.  I am not putting it on my credit card.  I still have thousands of dollars on one from Christmases, school shopping, sports, tools for his work.  I am done.

 

 

That sounds just awful. B obviously is a miserable human being who should have never had all these kids, but what's done is done huh?

I didn't really understand the "you're the bitch" part, does your HB side with B? If so - maybe then really it's time to change things. You can not keep accommodating B and her failures, it's probably just as unhealthy to you as smoking.
Perhaps you can take a break? I know that's what I would try to do. Take the kitten and go somewhere for a week to recharge and try to find the best course of action in peace.

All the best to you, I hope everything works out somehow in the end :) You know that smoking ultimately doesn't change anything so please try again when your are ready :)

No she definitely shouldn't have.  She also has another son from another marriage after my hubby.  He is almost 5 I think and they are divorced as well.    No...my hubby is never on her side but the kids sometimes are.  Right now one of the middle girls is mad at her dad...not sure why...but not her mom.  She is probably mad at me too.  The oldest girl appears mad at us as well.  The are all at their stepsisters graduation right now but are supposed to come here after as it is their dad's weekend.  He never really forces the issue and a few have already called wanting to go to a friends, their nana's etc. but he said no.  We may have a house full of miserable children this weekend so I may just go run errands and what not for the next two days.  I don't want to deal with it. 

 

Tracey:  I am so sorr for what your family had to go through.  That is just awful.  I have actually been online reading some horror stories about this situation and some of them just blow my mind.  It's unbelieveable.  I actually told the hubby the other night that mayber I should just go home to PA for a little while and he can call me when all this is over with.  I know I won't but once school is out I am seriuosly considering getting away by myself for some time.  Not sure where or what...but something. 

Trish,

I am sorry for what you are going through.  We handle stress much better as non-smokers.  You owe it to yourself to give yourself a life free of that poison.  

 

Anybody that puts alcohol or drugs before their kids doesn't deserve to be a parent.  One day, those kids will realize exactly who was there for them.  Who throws their kids out anyway?  I don't care what happens, you stand by your children no matter what.  You sacrifice whatever you need to, to the kind of parent your child needs you to be.  Alcoholics, there is nothing you can do for them or about them.  All you can do is try to develop boundaries.  They create so much havoc in the lives of the living.  Yes, I said living, whatever it is they do, it is not living.  

 

I grew up as an adult child through one parent and then my mother turned into an alcoholic after quitting smoking.  She turned from a hyper critical not exactly maternal person into a nasty spiteful witch.  I think you know my son has a form of Autism and ADHD.  She blames it on me, yeah I caused it, geez.  When my son was younger, she called social services on me because I didn't have him on medication.  They told her to go pound sand.  Four weeks ago today, my son who at 5'8" is 5 inches taller than me, assaulted me pretty bad when I refused to budge on a decision.  He had been given a medication for an injury and coming off of it made him angry and super aggressive.  Normally, he is not like that.  I made the mistake of calling my mother for help afterwards, thinking you know my mother would see me bruised and bleeding and try to help diffuse the situation.  So, she called social services again because this was my fault and he shouldn't be on medication.   Can you spot the contradiction?  They must have her some sort of list for people with ulterior motives or something, because nothing came of it.  Funny, none of the professionals feel the way my spiteful mother does.  In fact, they marvel at how far my son has come.  That was due to sacrifices, research, hard work and decisions made that came from me, nobody else, least of all my mother.  Not from the once in blue moon father of his that will take him to the movies, but I have to send money to make sure my son eats.  Yeah, got that covered too :)

 

I am sorry this turned into a rant of mine, I didn't mean it to be.  I was trying to relate and went overboard, sorry.  I didn't smoke though Trish, it does nothing for you.  What does a cigarette do for you?  Can it change your husband's ex?  Will it make your problems disappear or will it create new problems?  We love you Trish, please quit today.  Any support you need, you know we will give it to you.

You're a strong woman, Colleen.  Your sacrifice and endurance comes from a place of selfless love.  Sometimes all I can do is marvel at people who have this kind of inner strength and compassion.

 

It's been about 32 hours since you made this thread.  Trish, any closer to putting out your last cigarette? 

I too am in awe of the strength people have here.   I don't have anything particularly insightful to add, except you guys are handling things as well as anyone could.

And to top it off, you guys stay positive - maybe not 100% of the time - but a lot.  And I am trying to learn that from you guys.

 

Trish, just for your own happiness I truly hope you stop smoking soon, a cigarette never really made us happy.  It never helped us or cheered us up.  It just relieved the cravings.  And, though it doesn't happen overnight, those go away fairly quickly in the grand scheme of things.

 

I get so frustrated sometimes that I remember how I used to smoke when I was feeling like that.  I realize it's not the smoking I'm craving, just something to make myself feel better.  And smoking doesn't do that, it just temporary relieves the withdrawal.  Never helped a thing.  I still try and use meditation and coffee (sorry but it's true) as a substitute, because I don't now, and I don't know if I ever will have, inner peace.  We can't all get that satisfied feeling from within, and I'm someone who just can't.

 

Anyway, one of the many smoking things I used to stress about, I feared my fate was choosing a voice box or death - and I knew I'd choose death first.  SO glad I wrapped my head around the alternative and just quit smoking.  Which I never ever thought I could/would do.  Things are not always rosy, but it's not quite as bad when bad things happen as when they do and you are still smoking, stressing about being a smoker.

Colleen...I am so sorry for what you have had to deal with.  You are a very strong person!  You are almost exactly at a year and that is so amazing!  I hope to get where you are soon bc no the cigarette does not help at all.  It will not change that B****!  It only makes things worse.  I know that and I have keep that in mind all the time. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, Trish. No one deserves to have to put up with all of that b.s., least of all someone nice like you. Hope you can deal with it ok, and eventually, when you're ready, put down those cigarettes for good.

 

I don't have any wise words, accept; smoking won't relieve the stress. 
I hope you're able to set a new date soon! And let B sink to the bottom of the sea. She's not allowed to use you as a doormat

Wow. Too tired to respond anymore than say God be with all of you and help carry the load.