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Totally cheating! Of course, I couldn't really read what you wrote, because I didn't want to cheat and wear my glasses. And now my keyboard is full of spaghetti sauce because I didn't want to cheat at dinner and use a fork and napkin. Man, I really am a smartass.

Yeah, it happens. Just don't let it get to you, it's something nearly all of us went through, and it's all part of the recovery. Congratulations - you've got that jerky junkie lizard brain on the ropes, and it's throwing a tantrum, because if you keeping NOPEing it's gonna croak. I hope you took your own good advice and are happily asleep by now, and odds are you'll feel much better in the morning.

There are no weird ducks.

One of the greatest truths I learned when I quit reading over at whyquit.com was "1=All". Once I really got that, something just clicked, and stayed clicked. I'm gonna bookmark what you just said, because it's so important - just in case you or someone else needs to hear it again sometime. As for the last sentence I didn't quote - almost all of us "came close" in those first tender days and weeks. This is one of those times when it doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Just as long as you win.

I'll make you a deal - you can have one, as soon as you find me a magnetic monopole, and bring me a scissor. In other words, some things just don't come in "ones", no matter how much you wish otherwise. But listen, I'm not trying to be a smartass, you're doing great! Yes, it's awful, and you do have to go through it, but that's really it. Literally anything you do other than smoking - or serious crimes - counts as a victory. It's great to see you here on the board working it through, no matter how awful it might feel at the moment. Keep going!

Just stopping in to say hi and add my congratulations, Ricki. Read, read and read some more. You are doing this!

You've been caged for years. Now that you've quit, the tranquilizer is starting to wear off, and you can feel the bars again. You SHOULD be angry - you have been CAGED!!! Don't fear the anger, embrace it, use it. You're awake again. And you're getting out.

Sigh... the lido deck used to be such a classy joint...

I don't think I'm a master, but here's my 2c - disassociate and objectify. When you're in the midst of an inevitable struggle, actively distance yourself from it, and observe that these things are happening to you, and "oh my isn't this awful and ridiculous, I'm quite climbing the walls, I wonder how long this will last" etc... More than once I made myself chuckle at the absurdity of my predicament, and it took the power out of temptation.

Outstanding! I've been waiting for this - no pressure though!! I don't know about everybody else, but I know that when I quit nearly three years ago, I had no confidence I was actually going to do it. Mike, it was hard, and at times I *almost* caved. And so success is measured in inches, not miles. You can do this.

Hi, don't think we've met. Masons build things out of stone, don't they? Good name.

Why did I quit? I didn't mean to, honest! I quit by accident. Long story short, one day after years of clever doublethink and self deception, I thought a thought so stupid, and brutal, and ridiculous that it laid bare what I had worked so hard to keep covered. I didn't use the word, but in that moment I saw I was addicted and I knew what that meant, and I couldn't unsee it. I never smoked again. What did I gain? Oh, 40lbs or so. Yeah... But I'm still a better cyclist now than before, and my legs burn before my lungs do. Like TEW above me, I gained a serenity that I had forgotten existed - it's so strange to think I used to smoke to relax. I'm ashamed how much I adore sleep, now that I can do it for real again. When I hug people I love (hi Mom!) I don't pull away early out of fear that I stink. When I'm with friends I'm actually in the moment, and not jonesing for a chance to break out and smoke up. Ahh, there's too much to write. But one thing more - I gained freedom. All those days and nights of torture waiting to smoke, running out of smokes, running out to smoke, stacking quarters or hustling to the ATM at 2am... even if I'd believed I could quit, I just assumed I'd have to struggle and live with the "loss" every day of my life. Imagine my surprise that somewhere along the way when I wasn't looking, I just got over it. Fully and completely. It's nearly midnight now, and I've had a few drinks, and I'm completely out of cigarettes. There was a time when that last bit would have been the only thing on my mind. Now, I just made myself laugh.

We've been waiting for you! Not the whole brain, just the lizard part, remember? You're just gonna have to deal with that jerk once and for all, there's no way around it. And since it's won before, it will scream and squirm and throw an almighty tantrum. But just like with a pissy three year old, you don't actually have to beat it, you just have to keep saying "no" until it finally gets the message. Anyway, you've already ruined smoking for yourself, and I bet it's been a long time since you "enjoyed" any part of it. It's a bit like the Matrix, once you take the red pill there's no going back. So let's do this, and be done.

Hmm, a day late, and don't even ask about the dollar... Congratulations dude, you nailed it!

The emotional repercussions were the hardest thing for me as well, and somewhere around month 2-4 I went into a very dark hole. In fact it was SO dark, I knew it had to be an effect of quitting, and I was therefore able to depersonalize the experience and just observe myself suffering, without succumbing to it. I know that sounds bleak, but within a month or so I was over the hump, and nearly 3 years later I've never looked back. Welcome. Cry your heart out. Yell at the walls (this one worked great for me!). Do whatever you have to do, we've all been there and we're on your side. Oh, and while we are more forgiving than WhyQuit (I never joined over there because I never thought I'd make it), the rules of the game are mostly the same. No smoking. That is all. edit: Congrats on almost 4 months already!

Don't frown! It smells good to me still too, in context - drifting on an early morning breeze, in faint wisps... but hey, so does a bonfire, and I'm not about to grab a birch branch and huff it! I even like the smell of gasoline and chalk dust, but again, only in context. The cigarettes I smoked didn't smell good, they burned my lungs and my eyes, and made my clothes and car stink and my teeth and fingers brown.. awful things... All I'm saying is, context.

I am bringing up the rear in my zamboni. Welcome to Canada. I totally relate. I quit on a small now-defunct board, and around my month 2 or 3 a long-time quitter began romancing smoking right there in front of me - she had at least a decade! I couldn't take it, and I felt my lizard junkie stirring, so I bailed. I don't think it's like that here, and I don't recommend you check out... BUT! This is your quit. You did it, you own it (I like saying that today!). You do whatever it takes to keep it. This place is full of good advice and perspective, but you are the boss of you, and you decide what's right. There is only one goal, and you already know what it is.

No one who's gone through quitting is going to judge you for slipping, I hope you realize that. But I gotta agree with Nancy here, relapses don't "happen", we do them. I'm pretty sure you're the last person I need to lecture regarding the perils of the passive voice. You did it, so own it. But yes, any one of us could choose to relapse at any time, no question. But many of us never will, and your goal is to belong to that cohort. Starting now. And again, you really don't remember a thing? Unless you were completely smashed or have an underlying medical condition, I have a hard time seeing it. Really?? I'm really glad you're jumping right back on board. Please forgive any apparent harshness in my reply - none of it is said in judgement. But I think it's imperative to be brutally honest, with oneself if no one else, and like every other soul on this board, I only want you to win.

The most truth ever spake - where the hell were you upstream?

I don't think an apology is necessary. It's great if you thought about what others said and changed your mind, but you have a right to your opinion whatever it is, and I don't think anyone could be offended by it. And that's just something you'll have to get used to for a while. We've all been there!

Exactly so. This is a tricky area - for one thing, it's a dangerous lure to all the addicts (like me) who imagine that maybe they just weren't doing it right, and if they tried again they could smoke only socially, and keep control. As I've said elsewhere, this delusion was what kept me hooked for years while doing real damage, but it was just so damn seductive and I didn't know any better. Plus, it seemed so unfair - if they can do it, why can't I? The answer, of course, is that's just life. If you want to renounce life, by all means smoke! The other reason it's tricky is, if there are some true social smokers who aren't actually addicts, and if smoking does nothing good beyond the illusion of relief created by relieving the very craving the addictions causes, then why exactly are they smoking? What's it doing for them? I have my own ideas on this, but I'll save them for another post. Bottom line: for everyone here, there is no such thing as YOU being a social smoker. And while the reasons might be interesting, once you've been quit for a while, you'll realize how utterly it doesn't matter.

See, now these are the type of SOS posts people really enjoy!

Well, then, I've got good news for you - there is such a thing! But the bad news is, it can never be you. I never quite know what to say to relapses, as I never did. But I say that with humility - I never even TRIED to quit for years, because I was so certain I would fail, and was too afraid to try. The illusion that I could "just be a social smoker", or "only smoke when..." was the hook that kept me in the trap. Let it go, and be free. Welcome back!

On this side of the Pond, it's considered inappropriate to romance one's employee. Just a thought...