buMbLeB

Well, clearly I am a duck. That is also a bee. I rarely understand why I do the things I do. Apparently there's been a lot of confusion about who is or is not a duck - I'd like to take this opportunity to draw attention to my avatar, as it is subtle and easy to miss. So far my only nickname is "bubmble butt" or somesuch. I probably don't need to tell you who came up with that hamfisted moniker.

Hey Tyme, sorry to be along late, but I did have a very similar experience, right around month 3 or so I think. So, the bad news first - it was really awful, and it didn't clear up immediately. In fact it was so intense that it made me realize that these weren't MY emotions - they were't "real". I quickly thought of those crushing depressive episodes as "synthetic", the by-product of a junkie brain renormalizing and finding dopamine equilibrium. That seemed to help me depersonalize the experience, and sort of watch myself from a distance. The good news is, a month or two later, all of a sudden it just lifted! It's never been back, and my new normal is much better than the old one. Remember, you don't need to spend every moment of your quit in a state of grace - it's ok to stay in bed sometimes, or eat ice cream, or yell at inanimate objects. Trust that if you just keep going, the rest will take care of itself. And FWIW I'm extremely glad to hear you're not considering going back on NRT. I do favour cold turkey, but I'm not ideological about it, and whatever it takes to start your quit is fine by me. BUT once you're off, that stuff is poison, and I think it would quickly undo all your great work. Anyway, keep it up!

Yes, it really ought not be confusing. Although, in my mind, I sometimes refer to you as a "fumb duck". Then I curse my dyslexia. :)

You should change your name to Bab.

I can meet you halfway.

It's rabbitt season! Daffy is what our child would look like if you were my prison wife.

Evelyn, I meant what I said before - your progress has been remarkable! And you know what? It's awesome to see you reacting to a trigger this way, coming here and summoning the reinforcement you deserve. I swear to you, this is very temporary, and you've already won, and when you come back in the morning it will almost seem surreal that you were even tempted. Try and get some sleep. You're doing great!

I'm not really a celebration kinda guy, too sunshiney, so I haven't started one of these before. But I'm pretty sure Mike's at least a week today, and maybe a day more, depending how you read the quit date. Mike, you are awesome! I remember how hard week #1 was, and you've just nailed it, and I don't even remember you complaining. And let's not even talk about the surgery. I can't put my finger on it, but it feels like you just "flipped a switch", and it's great to see. Congratulations!

Bakon is a bum and a reprobate. And while I'm here, Evelyn, I was watching when you were deep in your struggle, and it really is remarkable how far you've come. Good for you!

Backatcha!

I love that joke! Maybe it's a Canadian thing.

When I first quit, I kept a pack of Popeye's in the console of my car for long drives. No kidding, it worked. I still have some!

'cause it's easier to try than to prove it can't be done and it's easier to stay than to turn around and run

My ticker at another place says I'm 10,663 on the smarter side of stupid. Hey, if St. Paddy drove all the snakes out of Ireland, who runs their tobacco companies?

I nearly fainted just reading that. I kept waiting for the part where it just became too unbearable, and you caved in and smoked. Shame on me. You are a monster!

You certainly don't owe me any apology. Different sites have different standards - on WhyQuit, if you slip once you're out for a lifetime. I never joined there because I never thought I could keep quit my first time out, which ironically is just what I did. I don't set the rules here, but I think it's a balancing act. If I saw someone coming here and truly "gaming" the site, romancing cigarettes and sabotaging quitters with no intent to quit themselves, I'd want them gone. Anyway, you're doing great, and it's a pleasure to watch you fight and keep your quit. That's what this board is all about.

***TRIGGER WARNING*** If you're new in your quit, and/or you don't feel up to reading a rebuttal of what MQ wrote above, please just skip this post! I promise you're not really missing anything important - NOTHING I'm about to write excuses or justifies smoking. But I am going to question a few premises, and if you know in your heart that your lizard junkie is still looking for oxygen, don't give it any. When I quit, I found WhyQuit indispensable to understanding my addiction, as did many of you. I was astonished that someone like Joel, who'd never smoked a day in his life, could have such insight. However, this is one of the very few areas where I disagree with him. Of course, taken as a whole I believe smoking is evil and stupid, or I wouldn't be here. And it may be useful psychology to adopt your viewpoint when quitting, at least for some people. But I never did, and I don't think it's true. Here's why: For one thing, even medical science seems to agree there are some limited things smoking/ nicotine can help with - there's an established inverse correlation between smoking and developing Parkinson's disease (and, I believe, Alzheimer's); it sometimes alleviates the symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome better than prescribed medication; schizophrenics smoke at much higher rates than the general population, and there is some evidence they are self-medicating some of their symptoms. And of course many of us recognize its ability to help prevent weight gain, and not just because we eat more when we quit - Joel himself talks about smoking influencing our blood sugar (and, I think, fat storage), and there is some evidence to show that it affects gut bacteria which in turn help regulate metabolism. Yes MQ, there are many fat smokers, but many or most people get fatter when they quit. Not me. I remember my very first cigarette, and I liked it. And the first time I properly inhaled, I liked it more. I don't remember coughing or turning blue - I recall my heart revving like a motor, but I liked that too, even though I could tell it wasn't good for me. And yes, looking back I believe I began to be addicted almost immediately - I can remember when I "only" smoked two cigarettes a day, in the evening, after a run, and wanting my run to be over so I could go home and smoke. There are now studies showing that young teenagers who smoke even ONE cigarette are much more likely to become addicted within the next year or so, and that some early brain rewiring happens almost immediately, but it's still a bit speculative. But anyway, it's not the case that I had to train myself to enjoy smoking, and "push through" the awful first smokes - I liked it right from the start. So why did I write all of this - and how come I'm not still smoking, if I think it's so great? Well, Joel has this one video that is my most favourite - MQ, you've linked to it several times - talking about "do I want just one cigarette", and he points out that of course you do! It's unreasonable to try to convince yourself that you don't want it, and as long as you continue debating yourself on that premise you'll never succeed. But that's not the right question - the right question is "do I want all the other cigarettes that will come with that one?". And no you don't. I think this is like that. As long as we insist "cigarettes don't have one single positive aspect to them at all, no matter how small or trivial" then we are in a dangerous place, because all it takes is to find ONE positive thing to start questioning your reasoning and your commitment. So how come I quit? Because these small positives, true though they may be, are absurdly miniscule next to the massive harm smoking causes, and was causing me. I've actually suffered from IBS, and Parkinsons runs in my immediate family, and I've struggled with my weight for most of my life - but none of those were actually the reason I smoked, and all of them put together were still not good enough reasons to justify the damage I was doing to myself. Hey, maybe it'll turn out that crystal meth enhances fast-twitch muscle fibers - I still won't smoke it. Anyway, nothing changes in the end - we were all sad, desparate addicts diminishing and shortening our lives, and THAT is the ultimate reality of smoking for almost everyone who does it. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

#5 is wrong - don't wait for an epiphany. Just keep the quit, and one will be along in due course. Great to see this, Mike.

As someone who's been both in recent years (and is now fat again), this is the kind of advice that gets you glared at. I eat better and more clean now than at any point in my life - metabolisms are complicated. Only a predestined skinny person could think that sort of advice is helpful. I think you're right - it is that simple. But I think you're wrong - it's not that easy. I'm not in charge of this board and I don't know our policy, but if someone is sincerely struggling to face their demons and quit, I want to support them. I agree that you should do whatever you have to do to keep your quit. Absolutely. But Mike doesn't strike me as romancing his addiction, and I think he's really fighting, and when he wins, other newbies and lurkers will read that and see themselves in it, and maybe be inspired. And (God forbid), if you or any other quitter should relapse and then turn to your friends and supporters here to quit again, I'd hate to see anyone tell you to stay off the board. So I agree with you - Mike, you need to quit. But I think you should stay here and use every tool at your disposal to do it. And cpk, you need to guard your quit at all costs, and if that means avoiding Mike for the time being, I'm sure everyone including him will understand and not take it personally. [/0.02] {1 grammar edit}

Not "guessed", but suspected yes. But what surprises and impresses me (and perhaps others) is how you're not running and hiding. And I gotta agree, anyone or anything that stands between you and quitting smoking (or any worthwhile life goal) - fvck em, Fvck zem all! I bet you do have authority issues, all the best folks do - but c'mon, he's telling you to do things you KNOW you have to do, and you WANT to do. So do them. I agree with Ava, you do seem very smart. But you also seem like one bad ass S.O.B. Am I wrong?

I think any major emotion is a trigger at the start - after all, smoking was the one size that fit all. But that part does subside pretty quickly, so don't worry about it sucking for the long term, you'll be over that before you know it. Also, please realize, you ARE doing this on your own, like it or not. We're all in your corner, but no one can carry you. Everything you do here is you and you alone. Don't ever let pride goeth before your fall, lizard brains are good at tricking people that way.

It's strange, sometimes when people are doing really well, I don't know quite what to say to them. Anyway, you're that guy, so way to kick ash! Have a nice, relaxing smokeless weekend, and keep doing what you're doing.

What Teary said - guard that quit well. Drop in if you can, or at least some light reading or videos before bed - there's no such thing as too much right now. Have a great weekend!

A year is a magnificent accomplishment. Way to go, Ms. Pants!