I've been sick a few days and today I feel much much better, but also home alone since Friday. And that gives me way too much time to think, ponder, over-analyse and lose myself in addiction thinking. So I hung on like a crazy woman. Reading a lot of this and watching a lot of that to keep my head clear in a very literal way. I also wrote down a lot of lies that my addiction keeps telling me in this quit. Time to address one and deal with it.
"What does it matter anyway, you are not worth it... "
This is a big red flag to me. I have been depressed in the past, and addiction is a mean s.o.b.
I'll spare you the details, but I have been fighting and working real hard to be " just happy" from a real early age, and I am happier than I have ever been at the moment.
Until that tiny moment I feel lonely or panicky or anything that even resembles that past feeling, my brain reverts back to suicidal tendencies. Not that I want to- but my brain is so programmed to have that way out, that it will go there without my consent. Like a tiny seed that will always be there and starts growing the moment you look away. And my addiction is using that to wiggle it's way in again. On one side - " The urge to find peace and quiet" . Because that's what I actually wanted.. not death, but I was so tired of fighting and surviving.. I just wanted some peace and quiet. And on the other side - "The need to stop fighting and let life go" - and the cig will make sure off that eventually.
But I choose Life
And I enjoy the heck out of it!
I wanted to address the topic of depression and addiction, because I know many are struggling and are ashamed to go into these kinds of thoughts. I have learned to talk about them, openly. The thoughts and feelings are only a danger if I keep them in the shadows and hide them. And I don't want to be part of this statistic - I want to be the exception to the rule!