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Day 13 - Dangerously Close Call

TravellingSunny

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The internal war wages on.  All the way home from work yesterday, I kept thinking it's been almost two weeks, and perhaps I've earned myself a cigarette as a reward.  Just one.  I was completely convinced that having successfully quit smoking for 5 years and now that I'm successfully doing it again - well, it should be a no-brainer for me.  I've got this, and I totally deserve it.  Thought about how great that cigarette was going to be all the way home... how I was just going to have one of my husband's cigarettes and then carry on with the quit as I've been doing.  Certainly he'd give me one - he loves me.

 

About half an hour after I got home, my husband showed up and found me on the back patio.  After about two minutes of small talk, I asked him to give me one of his cigarettes.  He told me no, and there was no way that HE was going to be THAT person that takes me back down to zero days.  Then, he said he was going back in the house, and if I wanted to come in and steal one from him, that would be up to me, but he wasn't going to just give it to me.  And he left me there, and there I sat questioning everything about this quit.

 

I stood up several times considering walking in and taking that cigarette.  I logged in to QT and went to the SOS board, thinking that there was seriously nothing anybody could possibly say to me that was going to make me NOT have my reward.  I thought about how much I wanted to be a non-smoker.  I thought about how much I wanted that cigarette.  I thought about how hard it would be on me if I had to go through Hell Week again.  I thought about how I'm mentally strong enough to have just one.  I was so completely torn - I felt like a complete lunatic.  Either I wanted the damn thing or I didn't.  But, I could not make up my mind.

 

So, I thought, you know, let's just post an SOS and see what's what.  But, when I started reading about how to post an SOS, I found myself reading another member's SOS posting.  That person was having all of the same conflicting thoughts that I was.  And, I read some of the responses by other members.  There was so much kindness, so much truth.  Strangers going out of their way to help prevent another stranger from lighting up.  Just for right now.  And then I started crying.  I wasn't sad, or angry, or anything like that.  As I look back on that dark hour of mine, I believe the feeling was frustration.  Frustration from having to deny myself what I "want" everyday.  It's terribly draining to be so firm with yourself.

 

The crying seemed to help.  It relieved some of the pressure and some of the tension - enough for me to really listen to what these other members were telling the SOS poster.  I don't have my head on right yet.  I still think of it as denying myself a cigarette, when I should be thinking that I'm denying the addiction.  I'm not losing anything.  But, as much as I try to tell myself that, and as much as I want to believe it, I can't quite get my head wrapped around it.    So, I went out to read up on addiction some more / again and reaffirmed my NOPE commitment, and watched some QT videos about smoking (again) and then...

 

@Sslip must have noticed that I was "liking" posts on the SOS thread and then must have noticed that I was re-NOPEing, and took the time to check on me.  Just to make sure I was OK.  It took me almost half an hour to reply, because the gesture of reaching out to me during my struggle got me crying all over again.  I realized that I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself.  Feeling sorry that I couldn't have a cigarette.  Ridiculous as that sounds, it's how I was feeling.  And the fact that I was being ridiculous made me FEEL ridiculous.  Eventually I responded that I was "struggling a little bit" (understatement of the century), took a few deep breaths, and thanked my husband for not letting me have one.  (He admitted that the look in my eye was clear - I was going to smoke.)

 

If it weren't for the old posts here and Sslip's thoughtfulness, I'd be back to Day 1 again today.  Or Day 0 - who knows if I'd've actually only had the one.  I owe today's continued quit to all of you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

If you're reading this, please pay it forward by posting your own threads.  Posts, blogs, anything.  It may not happen today or next month, but eventually, someone will read it at just the right moment.

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Sunny, you need to give yourself the greatest credit in saving your quit!

 

The time you take to post in your blog, the thought you put into your posts and the fact that when you were struggling you did exactly the right thing in posting nope again. It helps others to see when you may be struggling. I know that Jo noticed last night as well.

 

It's not so long ago I was in the midst of that constant battle myself, so it is very fresh in my memory. It's the benefit of us all treading this path together.

 

Give your hubby a big thank you as well, for looking out for you. It would have been easy and perhaps easier for him to have let you lapse.

 

You're a good role model on how this should be done. Excellent work and we are super proud of you today.

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I'm glad you found your way through that dark time Sunny! It is certainly overwhelming at times for most of us particularly in those early days. I don't know if you noticed but there is also a "Pre Respond to your Own SOS" thread on that page that you can utilize as a help tool too. You can post up a meaningful message to yourself that you can read if you're feeling weak at some point. Hope your having a better day today :)

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Love this post sunny, good on you for getting past it. And your hubby is an angel for not being that guy :) I'm so glad that  @Sslip was there for you too :) I remember those hard first few months and it was my own posts, as well as many others, that kept reminding me I don't want to go through those early days again either!

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Sunny, I saw you poking around the SOS threads and worried and watched for an SOS from you.

Then when you signed out, I felt OK about it, it looked like you had gotten what you needed.

I am so glad Sslip made contact, what a hero. Yay Sslip !!!

Your husband is a hero, too and YOU are a hero to yourself.

Well done, you.  You don't smoke anymore.  There is no reward in smoking anymore, those days are fcking OVER.

New Day.  New Rules.

Reward yourself, Sunny.  Something awesome.

 

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Awww your hubby is a cracker sunny. I remember one quit i was day 14 and it was a friday night and we were out drinking. I said to hubby i realllly feel like smoking, but i really was just expressing myself and maybe looking for a bit of encouragement - i absolutely was not thinking of buying fags. But my hubby said....why dont you just get ten fags!!! And ten fags i got! And that quit was over. Thats lovely your husband supported you and the great folk here too. Glad you are still going strong sunny 🌞🌞🌞

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1 hour ago, Sslip said:

The time you take to post in your blog, the thought you put into your posts and the fact that when you were struggling you did exactly the right thing in posting nope again. It helps others to see when you may be struggling. I know that Jo noticed last night as well.

 

@Sslip, I'm so thankful for the old posts here and for everyone's generosity of time and experience.  It has helped me every single day.  But, last night, I was truly touched to have been tagged by you just to see if I was OK.  It made me feel... I don't know... less alone in this battle.  Thank you!!  And, @notsmokinjo, thank you for noticing as well.  Being able to witness first-hand how effective this community can be when you really need them was amazing!

 

1 hour ago, reciprocity said:

I don't know if you noticed but there is also a "Pre Respond to your Own SOS" thread on that page that you can utilize as a help tool too. You can post up a meaningful message to yourself that you can read if you're feeling weak at some point.

 

@reciprocity, I've seen it, but I really don't know how to respond to myself yet.  Last night taught me that my brain isn't always truthful with me, so I hesitate to try and make something up.  There were a few posts that I read in the old SOS posting, though, that I might just copy out and save as a pre-sos for myself - they were instrumental in helping me to calm down.

 

25 minutes ago, jillar said:

And your hubby is an angel for not being that guy :)

 

@jillar, I agree.  He may be a dirty smoker, but he's been my most avid supporter.

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23 minutes ago, Sazerac said:

Sunny, I saw you poking around the SOS threads and worried and watched for an SOS from you.

Then when you signed out, I felt OK about it, it looked like you had gotten what you needed.

I am so glad Sslip made contact, what a hero. Yay Sslip !!!

Your husband is a hero, too and YOU are a hero to yourself.

Well done, you.  You don't smoke anymore.  There is no reward in smoking anymore, those days are fcking OVER.

 

Oh, @Sazerac - you were definitely one of my angels last night.  So much so, that when I first wrote this blog, I'd erroneously tagged you instead of Sslip.  One of your posts to that other SOS'er really touched me.  I want it to be my pre-SOS.  May I use it?  This is what you wrote:

 

calm down.  breathe a few breaths.

 

You are not going to get that 'ahhhh'  from nicotine any more.

 

that is GONE.

 

You can get that 'ahhhhh' feeling from LOTS of other things that won't KILL you.

 

Breathing is good.

 

and Oxygen gives me the most reliable, "AHHHHHHHHHHH".

 

Breathe, baby.

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14 minutes ago, TravellingSunny said:

 

Oh, @Sazerac - you were definitely one of my angels last night.  So much so, that when I first wrote this blog, I'd erroneously tagged you instead of Sslip.  One of your posts to that other SOS'er really touched me.  I want it to be my pre-SOS.  May I use it?  This is what you wrote:

 

calm down.  breathe a few breaths.

 

You are not going to get that 'ahhhh'  from nicotine any more.

 

that is GONE.

 

You can get that 'ahhhhh' feeling from LOTS of other things that won't KILL you.

 

Breathing is good.

 

and Oxygen gives me the most reliable, "AHHHHHHHHHHH".

 

Breathe, baby.

 

 

I am honored that my post is helpful to you, of course you can use it !

Use anything/everything that resonates with you.

We all have the same addict voice, that we will always share.

Now, we refuse to be an obedient addict, because we have so many more better things to do.

 

Don't forget we also have a 'chat' (I believe it is operational, I'll check).

Some SOS posts have gone into chat and been helpful and more immediate.

 

How was today ?  I bet you were kinda washed out from last night.

Take really good care of yourself, pampering is in order.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Sazerac said:

Don't forget we also have a 'chat' (I believe it is operational, I'll check).

Some SOS posts have gone into chat and been helpful and more immediate.

 

How was today ?  I bet you were kinda washed out from last night.

Take really good care of yourself, pampering is in order.

 

 

 

I'm still trying to understand how to navigate the site... are you talking about the tab that's called Chatbox?  How does it work?  I just go out there and type something?

 

Today has been much better than yesterday.  I woke up refreshed and not wanting to smoke, which is good.  Also, my oldest son is in town, and he's coming over for dinner tonight, so I have that to look forward to.  

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Just now, TravellingSunny said:

 

I'm still trying to understand how to navigate the site... are you talking about the tab that's called Chatbox?  How does it work?  I just go out there and type something?

 

Today has been much better than yesterday.  I woke up refreshed and not wanting to smoke, which is good.  Also, my oldest son is in town, and he's coming over for dinner tonight, so I have that to look forward to.  

 

 

are you here now ?  click the chat box, I'm there and we can have a hello

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Sunny, your post above was one of the most powerful ones I've ever read in my 14 months of living on "quit smoking message boards". Sharing your struggle helps us all, and will certainly help newbies in times to come. Thank you.

 

(eta): Duh. And oh yeah, AWESOME job on hanging onto your quit. It's true what they say, every time you successfully face down the demons, you get stronger. You're doing great.

Edited by Lin-quitting
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^^^ What she said. This post is just beautiful in its raw honesty. I'm sorry you got so down but sweetie you fricking kicked that craves arse (with an assist from the hubby)... we have all been there in some, way, shape or form. Be proud of yourself for the fight you just waged and won because you did that, you held your quit and kept it strong.

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Hey Sunny, hope things have settled down for you over the past couple of days.

 

I don't have many details left over from the start of my quit as qsmb went down. However I had been noting my general feeling in those early days. I know each quit is different, but I found the first 10 days relatively easy, I guess from the sheer determination and adrenaline of it. I had a period of around 8 days in the second and third weeks where it felt like I was travelling through hell. It is a dim memory now and it is only looking back on my notes I remember it. I promise you, if it is still tough, it does get better. 

 

At the time I couldn't quite get my head around how it got more difficult, but it was temporary. 

 

Keep pushing through! 

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Oh yeah, temptation pops up and we think "just one" or whatever.

Just keep in mind that while there are and will be rough days, overall it gets easier.

 

Many people "quit" but don't last even three days.

You are at two weeks today. For 14 days you have proven you can do this. Ain't no need to go back to being the FIRST day of quitting.

 

So ultimately. which would you rather be on the forum? One of the "What ever happened to so and so?" OR one of those who, in the future, newbies see your quit date and think, "I wish I had that much progress". I think you will be here a while and KTQ.

 

Two weeks is surely enough that the ball is honestly rolling.

 

 

 

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