Again, I refreshed that bloody patch - it was on the wrong spot pulled it off and refreshed it again: 3 patches in one day! I HATE MYSELF

 

Why can't I just cope with my bloody inner pain without getting all compulsive obsessive. I panick due my inner pain, switch and one of my parts chooses to pull of the patch and refresh it.

 

It just hurts soo much. It's so damn hard alone in my home coping with this. I hate the fact my parents who traumatised me, cause such inner pain and that now after 10 years of destructive behaviour and cutting now I find myself in this process of processing inner pain and emptyness, causes by neglect.

 

I sometimes don't wanna wake up. Then I try to fall asleep again but can't and need to face it al over again.

 

Didn't smoke by the way. But life sure sucks

(((((Evelyn))))) This is not an easy road stop being so hard on yourself. You did NOT smoke! You did NOT smoke! You did NOT smoke!

 

Keep your head up Evelyn you are doing this!

Hey Evelyn. Sounds like you are having quite a party beating yourself up.

 

Sorry that today is tough.

 

How is the weather over there at the moment? I think that we have some high pressure from you guys keeping our skies clear and blue...(British obsession - talking about the weather!) B)

 

Time for a cup of tea perhaps?

 

Well done on not smoking. Excellent work.

Jesus I dont really know what to say, are you sure you should be coming off your medication, maybe a chat with your doctor might be needed, i think you should only use one patch a day hun, you have me worried about you, I am not sure you should be on your own at the moment pet, can you call in for a friend or a doctor?

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard day Evelyn. You seen to have really good days and really hard days...

 

I'm not sure how to help you except by being supportive and posting here - I wish I could do more. But I am here for you nevertheless.

 

I had a dream last night and you were in it. It was weird because I was like 'Hi Evelyn', but you didn't recognise me :( but in that dream you were smiling and you were really happy. Maybe that is a sign of things to come. When I woke up I thought 'boy Evelyn looked happy in that dream'. Made me smile :)

 

Don't know if it helped or not, but I am thinking of you :)

Evelyn,

I agree with Sue, it sounds like you need somebody there with you.  Is there any chance you could delay weaning yourself off the meds until after you are comfy in your quit?  It's possible quitting the meds and smoking at once is too much for you.  It might make a big difference.  Just suggestions.  Either way, please call your doctor just in case.  In the meantime, feel free to vent here as much as you need, sometimes we just need someone to listen.  

I live on my own and the valerian was on off-the-record med I took, but it also made gave me the urge to self harm so that's why I'm going off it. It wasn't prescribed by my Dr. 

 

I am going through processing inner pain and a friend just came by and WE cried and screamed and cried all over. It's just that since I'm off the antidepressivant in Februari I've started to feel my inner pain and it's hard to process. a childhood full of neglect and sexual abuse.... it kicks in you know? And I'm getting flooded. That is why I am going to move to a special home where there's a nurse on call, when I need her. But the indication just went on mail so it takes 4 weeks to deliberate wether to approve or not and then do an intake in the specific home, probably they have waiting lists. 

 

It's hard to cope and also stay communicating inside with my parts. If I don't and get overwhelmed, they all flee to their space or take over to do their solution like refreshing the patch, thinking it will relieve the inner pain.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard day Evelyn. You seen to have really good days and really hard days...

 

I'm not sure how to help you except by being supportive and posting here - I wish I could do more. But I am here for you nevertheless.

 

I had a dream last night and you were in it. It was weird because I was like 'Hi Evelyn', but you didn't recognise me :( but in that dream you were smiling and you were really happy. Maybe that is a sign of things to come. When I woke up I thought 'boy Evelyn looked happy in that dream'. Made me smile :)

 

Don't know if it helped or not, but I am thinking of you :)

 

Ow those happy days will come just dunno when....

Hey Evelyn - you sure have a lot to deal with. But you are dealing with it - and that is positive.

 

I'm sorry that I cannot offer you more - I am out of my depth here - but I do care - and you are in my prayers every day Evelyn. You are not alone.

you need professional help. We are just a group of ex smokers. Maybe call someone better equipped. advise from us would not be what you need, we are not trained or experienced in everything you mention. wish you well, but seriously call a professional.

I have professional help bakon, once a week.

I just needed to vent

that's a lot of help your asking for, I don't think the average person is ready to say anything when you mention medications not properly prescribed and hurting yourself in same post. I have some experience in see this stuff, but usually only enough to help them get to someone else who can help them, be it a doctor or just an ER.

 

Vent, but your responses back will not be useful past some sympathy, which might not be correct for you either. Guess I am trying to say is your jamming 10 pounds of crap in a five pound bag and we cant lift it too high.

Evelyn...have you ever thought about seeing a therapist or attending group therapy?

 

I always read what you write and I always hesitate to answer, mainly because I don't have an answer to your questions. It is just so way over my head.

 

I agree with a lot of people here...you need more professional help that we can offer! I don't know anything about the patches..but 4 patches a day sounds like an overdose to me! 

(((Evelyn)))  My heart breaks.  I'm glad you are in the process of being where a nurse will be available to you.  I think also that a place where you are not alone would be a good thing.  I hope that happens for you soon. 

Sorry I posted this. I already have counseling once a week. More is not an option

Hey Evelyn - there is no problem posting when you need to vent! The title is a bit scary though! Everybody here wants the best for you. ;)

 

You feeling a tiny bit better now?

Evelyn...please don't be sorry!

 

We all have just your best interest in mind...we want you to be a non smoker ...and we want you to be healthy and happy! I think we just wanted to make sure that you get more help than just us

That's why I'm moving

What you mean you are moving?

Moving house ladybug I think, you have me worried sick about you, I can tell the mood you are in the slightest thing is going to set you off, I would think about going back on antidepressants, I'm no doc but you need something, don't think you should be weaning off anything x

Big, warm hugs Evelyn. (((((((((Evelyn))))))))

 

You are worthy. Remember that

 

Sending you positive vibes .

((((Evelyn)))

No need to be 'sorry' you posted.....not at all.
I think what others are gently trying to say is that other than listening, our help is limited to pretty much quitting smoking support. 
Have you sought out a forum that deals with trauma specifically? It might be helpful to have a second place to post these issues with folks who better understand and can relate?
Just a thought.

Sending big hugs ((((Evelyn)))).  I think it is good that you vent here - we just don't know how to best help you.  But if venting makes you feel better, vent away!!!

I hope you are feeling better, Evelyn.  When you replace your patch, I don't know that you are getting any more nicotine than when you leave it alone...they are time release, right?  So if it makes you feel better to change them...I don't see that it matters (except that you have to pay for the extras)  Someone please correct me if I am not understanding how the patches work.

Evelyn can you please check in, I'm a tad bit concerned about you x