Fluffyyellowduck

I don't know the appropriate sub for this

I love knitted projects! I plan to learn that next. I love crochet but I want a different texture for some things. I will post a (better quality) finished photo of it when I am finished.

Okay, MLMR. That is brilliant. I love it! Now I have only started last night so I've only got a couple pieces of the backpiece finished, but it is from this pattern. I've had to reduce all the stitches of the pattern to 64% because I used a size 4. (I'm on a budget so what had to work had to work...) Excuse the bad quality of the photo. I gave up my smartphone a while ago and switched to a flip phone (intentionally), so I'm using my webcam.

Ah, I'm sorry.. I can understand that. How sweet of your husband though. You must feel so fortunate. Not to be a person with a lot of "drama" (I've had bad experiences talking to people about things so just getting that out there because now I try to not) but basically I've gone through severe psychological abuse and after so many years, eventually you start to believe it. So I think keeping a healthy emotional distance between things and trying to not argue with myself about it, but just kind of go along for the ride without that internal dialogue of inevitable defeat - it just sort of makes the ship easier to sail. (And I'm not so tempted to throw myself overboard to avoid it.)

I think those are actually really similar.. You probably didn't want anyone on the outside to know to avoid outward interference and mine is more internal.

In all honesty, because I think if I downright say I'm going to and force myself to stick through it, I'll have a lot of anxiety about it, and then I'll have a greater chance of relapsing. If I call it practicing and just do what I need to do and don't put so much pressure on myself then I am less likely to screw it up. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist in some regard to the extent that I drive myself crazy. So the less pressure I put on myself the more likely I am to succeed.

For those of you who quit, did you ever feel like the mornings were a little it more difficult because you had to relearn how to be nonsmoking? Like you had to put your brain together to figure out how to function properly? If smoking was part of your morning routine then you probably had to relearn how to be normal. My thought is "I don't exactly NEED a cigarette this morning to function, and if I did, it would probably make it much worse, because then I would just want to go to back to sleep or have a hard time taking care of this ridiculous mess that was left for me today." Since I don't "need" it I'm not going to. I've been exhausted to the point of nearly passing out every day so I am guessing smoking has had partly something to do with that. I'm sitting with a cup of black tea this morning (coffee gives me heart palpitations) and spacing out a LOT. I am about to make breakfast tostadas because breakfast seems like a perfectly normal thing to do. Nicotine and tea alone used to be breakfast for me. If we're not doing that, we might as well do tostadas. Then I start wondering if I had, for so long and partly due to depression, replaced taking care of myself with nicotine. Like all of basic human needs were replaced with a poisonous little smoking stick that makes a person dizzy and tired. What kind of bunk is that? That's very counterproductive. Now, I'm still not committed until after the holidays but I am "practicing" and see where it's going and so far the "practicing" is sort of leading the way, unless I make it to three days, then it won't be practicing. It just will be. I didn't even honestly plan on practicing either, but I partly blame Doreensfree and you others on here that gave me so much encouragement. You guys did this to me. I have my quit cardigan that I'm crocheting on hand to sit down and take a break every once in a while, but I have to use a timer because sometimes my "15 minutes" turns into 3 hours, which is good for the cardigan, and good for me, but bad for the floors and the washing. I'm sorry. I needed to rant really badly. I am probably going to rant a lot today. Ya'll ever go through something similar?

I know I'm a bit late for this, but yes, and I drew a giant smiley face on it for good measure.

Thank you Doreen! Are you talking about the Tobacco Wars? I had watched the first one but I didn't watch the next two. I did move on last night to learning about coping with complex trauma and addiction from FindingFreedomMedia that have given me a lot more understanding. I didn't suffer a lot of trauma as a child but had intense trauma for years during adulthood. From what I gather, people with C-PTSD move onto addictions to cope with trauma and once they start doing well they have a tendency to sabotage their own quit and intentionally relapse due to either fear of disappointment or fear of change; as that the evil they already know is tends to be the one they're more comfortable with. I realized that sounds exactly what I go through and it's already helping me understand quite a bit. I will add the second Tobacco Wars to my list tonight and watch it. I got a bunch of yarn for today and I intend to make a "quit" cardigan so I will need something to watch. I'm seeing quitting less of a burden today and more of me taking back control and hopefully bring some healing.

Thank you Doreensfree I am sorry for your husband's passing. That must be so hard. I don't want to get sick. I am definitely going to try today and if I cry all over the place for the next week I suppose it all has to come out at some point anyway.

Thank you. I think I will "officially" wait but in the meantime I will try again today and just see where it takes me. I'm not going to promise myself anything for right now, but I'll just take it easy and try.

@johnnny5 Brutal honesty time. Badly ... Doing badly. I will reset my ticker today, but I've been dealing with some stuff at home that were just managing both made it really difficult. I was sitting there trying to dish everyone up for dinner and I just couldn't figure out how to do it properly. I was so confused looking at everything and not knowing how to do it. Then with doing the laundry, it was the same thing. I couldn't figure out how to do the laundry. I was forcing myself to figure out how to fold it all up and get done. I ended up calling my mom and talking to her about quitting - she had no idea I was smoking in the first place. (I had switched to vaping and had quit for 6-7 years, but I ended up switching back because it's still nicotine and I don't know which one is more difficult to quit.) She seemed supportive. This may not make sense to people, but to be honest, I keep going back and forth between "I really want to quit" and "I don't want to quit." I'm debating whether or not I should just postpone my quit until after the holidays because I realized I have a fear of quitting or doing anything self-development wise right now. I had gone through this thing where I worked SO HARD to do better and making changes for years and years thinking it would "pay off", basically. I made a TON of lifestyle changes, including that I quit drinking four years ago. In a shorter way of saying it, it doesn't feel like I'm quitting for myself and I'm subconsciously quitting in the hopes of something else, and that makes me resent doing it, but if I wait until after the holidays I won't have much to process at all and I'll be fine. But all of that work just ended up with serious crushing disappointment and I don't feel like being disappointed this year. I know getting towards the end of this year is going to be really emotional and hard. If I'm disappointed next year it's okay, but I don't want to look back feeling resentful of my quit. I've also been using nicotine to suppress those emotions quite a bit, and every time I do those feelings start coming up to the surface and I just want to push them ALL back down. I don't feel like I'm in a position to process any emotions right now because I need to get things done and I can't afford to spend all day in bed crying. I need to do the dishes. Does any of that make sense? (Probably not) Should I wait another week to quit or is that a no-go? (I'm not sure, but I think I might have PTSD.)

I think you're right! I know Joel from whyquit that it is encouraged to share, and I respect his thinking and understand what he is saying entirely, but I think it is also depending on the type of people you're around. It might be easier to say "I'm not up for it right now"or something similar instead of "I quit." Because in my experience, along with "I quit"comes a tidal wave of a lot of negativity and discouragement. That, or I have negative and discouraging people in my life. (Fortunately it seems that the more you start working on yourself and those people tend to disappear, so I'll just keep doing that.) There's a TEDTalk by Derek Sivers called "Don't Tell People Your Goals." I've kind of learned to stop telling people everything after that one and it has helped me A LOT. I try to keep things pretty quiet and private now. And thank you! I just got notice that someone is taking the last three of my 11-week-old felines tomorrow, but I still have my adults plus a new baby, so I will be loving them A LOT. (PS I am from WA too!)

I haven't seen the movie, but the song is a favorite!

The intro is my ringtone.

Thanks! I read EasyWay a few years ago and I don't know why but it didn't sink in for me. I did watch some videos of his, which were helpful, but I no longer use a smartphone so I don't have the app. I really like these suggestions. Thanks so much for the help. I am going to add ... well, all of them

I keep around a lot of index cards because I have ADHD and I forget things. I'm very flippity and kind of all over the place, so I keep them in my pocket to help me get through the day and remember what I need to do. I'm using 1-2 of these index cards to write down a plan for when something comes up because things will always come up. I was wondering if you guys could help me come up with ideas that I might not have thought of. This is all I have so far. Instead of smoking I will ... Boredom Python course Crochet Cleaning Sudoku Solitaire Sadness ????????I have nothing????????? Anger Workout Pray/Read Bible Vent Write Oral Cravings Carrots/Celery Drink lemon water Brush teeth Cup of black tea If I'm invited or offered... Remember NOPE Journal Feeling Anxious Breathing exercises Stretches After a Meal Brush teeth Reward After Hard Work ....?

Where do I read your story? I am interested. I'm doing okay now, I'm being kept busy. I'm being kept busy with bathing and grooming kittens to be re-homed. I don't know if any of you have ever bathed a cat before but if anything can keep you busy... it's probably bathing ten of them. I'm up to my ears in whiskers. Better than smoke. Fortunately I have a lot to do this week so I'll have a lot to distract me AND I have noticed that I suddenly become interested in eating raw carrots when cravings come around so maybe I'll get night vision like the pilots tried to do in WWII.

Thank you I got it Now I will just watch this Tobacco Wars documentary and do the things YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP I needed some tough love and it's true. Thank you

You're totally right and I REALLY appreciate the support. I am having trouble with the ticker though... this might sound stupid, but how do I set the time? Every time that I've set it, the time has been way off. by 9-14 hours. I'm assuming it's military time so I entered the data as military time but it doesn't seem to like me all that much.

Thanks everybody No, a cigarette didn't help the situation. If anything it made it worse and after thinking about it for a while I think it's also true that I'm not taking it seriously enough and I'm not ACCEPTING how bad it is. There is a lot of cognitive dissonance going on. About ten years ago, I was out on the front porch with my grandmother (who partly raised me) smoking with her and she asked me to quit so that I wouldn't have to go through anything she did. (A tube in her stomach to eat and ONLY live off of ensures for another 17 years or so, her tongue replaced with a piece of her leg. I think she had lung and throat cancer, and breast cancer.) She still smoked. She made me promise to quit. I said yes. Then I left across the country to move back home for a while. That was the last time I saw her and she died a few months later from pneumonia and emphysema. So I'll have to stop disconnecting myself from that moment and get back on the ball. I also made a commitment to learn about HALT, as recommended by c9jane29 and I will also be watching all of the Tobacco Wars documentaries, as it seems to be well-encouraged here... judging by the placement.

Thanks everyone. Iʻm embarrased to say it but to be honest I slipped and have to restart again. Iʻm re-homing my favorite male cat in an hour. I know itʻs not an excuse but I didnʻt expect to have to do it today and I didnʻt prepare myself emotionally. I also didnʻt plan or prepare myself very well and I just kind of jacked up

A few days ago my DREAM kitten was born... Big fluffy white female. I havenʻt named her yet

Someone brought me a cigarette. I explained I was quitting yesterday but they did it anyway to be nice, and I tried to hand it back and I said "I donʻt need it" and then they said "Just hang onto it." They wouldnʻt take it back. FORTUNATELY, my 11YO was right next to me after they left, and said "Please donʻt! PLEASE donʻt!" so which snapped me a little bit out of a near out of body experience where I canʻt really think all that well. I put it out of sight so they could have it back. Iʻm trying and Iʻm hanging on but realistically even if I flushed it down the toilet, there would be more around in a few hours and life will always be that way so I canʻt really get mad about it. You still have to be around people who smoke, so accessibility is never really over, it will probably always be offered and I will always have to resist, and I know that the mind has to be trained with self-discipline. I know in 48 hours if I stick with it I really wonʻt care that much and Iʻll feel normal ALL of the time and not just only after a cigarette. I know the temptation will be gone but it really does make me feel crazy. I know if I want to get sick and dizzy and tired then I might as well drink a half a jug milk and spin around in circles for 2-3 minutes. I know all of these things and yet my brain keeps trying to convince me that if I do it wonʻt big a deal and I can start over. AND I KNOW ITʻS A LIE

ok, NOPE. MAN THATS HARD TO SAY RIGHT NOW