Christian99

While this setback is still fresh in your mind, Darcy, I wanted to share a few (kind, non-judgmental) thoughts. Specifically, after serious attempts to quit like this one, I'm pretty convinced that it's impossible to smoke in "normal" unreflective ways again: you've distanced yourself from the denial that accompanies active addiction, and you're even more aware of the damage that each cigarette is doing to you. This uneasiness is ultimately a good (though certainly not pleasant) thing, especially if you leverage it to get back to the crucial, life-affirming work of becoming and remaining smokefree as soon as possible. At least for me, my initial unsuccessful attempts demanded that I confront the fundamental question of whether I could/wanted to see myself as a smoker for the rest of my life. And, despite my addiction, I simply could not imagine a lifetime of smoking and realized, ultimately, that I just had to start again--this time with a frightening but courageous commitment that no matter how crappy I felt and for however long, I would stay smokefree. I know that you can do something similar, and in the process that disappointment (and even self-loathing) you're experiencing now will become a a kind of transformative pride that will shape your future in extraordinary ways. Join us again sooner rather than later, friend--we know you can do this. Christian99 21+ Years Quit

If anyone is interested in reading and thinking more about the tobacco industry, I recommend Robert Proctor's Golden Holocaust (U of CA P, 2012). It's a carefully researched, thought provoking, and troubling book that shows, in substantial detail, the ways in which companies manipulate the chemistry of cigarettes for maximum addictiveness and spend billions on fostering/normalizing the associations between smoking and "freedom." It also offers a pretty persuasive argument on phased in abolition, highlighting how cigarettes are fundamentally unlike other consumer products and are more akin to (and should be regulated/prohibited like) substances such as Thalidamide, PCBs, etc. In general, I support decriminalization regarding drugs, but this book has deeply informed my thinking on the benefits and possibilities of eliminating the availbility of corporate tobacco products. Christian99 21+ Years Quit ib

Among the many benefits/pleasures of being quit, I'd highlight the fact that my smokefree status is always there, always a reminder of one of the greatest and most important things I've done in my life. So if I'm having a particularly difficult moment/day/etc., I can always reflect on and celebrate this achievement. Christian99 21+ Years Quit

Way to go, Brioski! Just keep soldiering on and cherishing those moments of insight, beauty, and peace--over time, they'll become even more frequent! I love the additional things you're doing for yourself: you certainly deserve them, and they can assist in the development of the new, smokefree you. Up in Syracuse, NY, we're having a nice day, but things are scheduled to get a little snowy and slushy this evening. Where, in general, are you in Jersey? I grew up in Central NJ and then lived in Westfield for a few years in my 20's as well. Cheers, friend, and keep up the awesome work-- Christian99

I felt a lot like you at 4 weeks, Brioski--it's crucial, I think, to know that this misery is NOT a referendum on the strength and quality of your quit. I know that doesn't make the experience of it any easier, but it can be tempting to infer that you're doing something wrong or that your quit is somehow just a relapse waiting to happen. That is not the case. At some point in my first year, when things seemed like they were never going to get any better, I came to the realization that I would stay quit even if things never got any better. And of course they didn't (and ultimately got better than I could ever imagine); in fact, I think that was the beginning of a kind of peace and acceptance for me. I wish I had an easy recommendation to get you to that place, but I don't. But I hope you'll hold onto my promise that things WILL get better, in a way and at a time that works for you. I sometimes tell people that quitting was far more difficult than I thought it would be (and I went in with pretty realistic expecations) but/and far more transformative. Given the latter, I'd sign up in a second for double the misery (and it was pretty miserable for me) for the freedom and peace on the other side. We're all pulling for you, friend--stay close. Christian99 21+ Years Quit

Warmest congratulations!!! Don't be afraid to acknowledge and even to lean it to the difficulties--most people are not "all better" just a week or two into this journey, and the commitment you're demonstrating is truly inspirational. I had a really rough go of it in the initial stages, and I've wondered, sometimes, if those challenges actually contributed to the strength and durability of my quit. I really don't know about that, but what I do know is that they were necessary for ME. And that's my recommendation to you--keep doing exactly what you're doing. You're winning. Christian99

Fantastic, Saving!! Exercise and a very healthy diet helped me in the initial stages--the former was especially valuable in dealing with the excess anxiety that accompanied the quit. But do whatever works for you. This will change your life, and we all know you can do it. Best, Christian99 21+ Years Quit

Hi Molly-- It's FANTASTIC that things have been pretty good in these first couple of days. I sincerely hope that it remains that way (and it's possible they will), but be ready with some tactics to deploy if things get bad--even really bad. Remember that there is no legitimate reason to smoke and, ultimately, abstinence is always possible and always the right choice. Keep up the great work! Christian99 21+ Years Quit

You make a really good point about a singular focus on abstinence--I'm told that AA has a concept called being a "dry drunk," which has some relevance here. I was actually concerned that this was what I was experiencing in the first year of my quit (in part because one or two people [supportively] noted that I sounded like one in my regular whining, uncomfortable posts). I really don't know if I fell victim to that, but I do know that my daily exercise and dramatic changes to my diet helped to slowly develop the new healthy persona I was creating. In fact, this reminds me that from the outset I think I shifted my goal from becoming a "non or ex smoker" to becoming a "healthy person who didn't smoke." But, again, you're right, I think, to reflect on and resist a fetishization of abstinence and/or to see it as only the initial step. I'm grateful for your insights and experiences, in part because I'm dealing with (unrelated though fairly substantial) health challenges right now--just like when I had my cardiac issues, I'm trying to use my quit experiences to better navigate these difficulties. Christian99

So beautifully and thoughtfully expressed, Denali--so much of what you say resonates with me and my experiences. For me, the critical challenge (and the concept that I just couldn't authentically accept) was the idea that one's (positive) mindset was the thing that was necessary to succeed in this endeavor. And, finally, after some years of discomfort with that (and confusion regarding why I couldn't seem to adopt the "right" mindset), I sort of decided that, for me, it would be about action(s)--the little actions and the larger behaviors that would enable me to make it through each hour without lighting up. And even if I were miserable or if my mindset sucked (which was quite often), simple abstinence would be the thing that mattered to me. Through this (often very painful and definitely lengthy) process, I kind of quit my way into certainty, peace, pride, and, well, a positive mindset. Ultimately, I'm pretty convinced that this is only way it could have happened for me. For whatever reason, I've never participated in daily NOPE posts, which were also important features of the online quit community I was a part of in the first couple of years of my own journey. But you make a compelling case for joining the thread and using it in whatever way feels comfortable. There's so much power in solidarity and collective accountability, but as you rightly suggest, one can participate partially, messily, indioscyncratically. And my own experiences tell me that those gestures, repeated every single day, can slowly change "NOPT" and "SNOTT" to full-throated and unambiguous expressions of "NOPE." Thank you so much for your post--newer quitters here are served so well by your insights and inspiration. Christian99 21+ Years Quit K

Keep up the fabulous, life-affirming work, Molly: quitting is the single most important thing you can do for yourself, and you'll be transformed in the process. Indeed, that transformation is already happening. Others may have mentioned this already, but remember that recovery is not a linear process in the short term. Thus, Day 8 can be frustratingly, terrifyingly more difficult than, say, Day 4: it takes time to recalibrate your responses to all the different kinds of stimuli that we associated with smoking. And FWIW, I think that this lack of linearity (i.e., the fact that it doesn't necessarily get "better" every day in the initial stages) is a major reason for failed quits by even the most well-intentioned quitters. Of course, over the long term, quitting DOES follow a predictable trajectory, and there's no question that you'll ultimately be free from the struggles of this early period and achieve a kind of peace and pride through your persistence. We know that because it happened (or is happening) to all of us; at the same time, we all know and can empathize with your difficulties. So you're not alone. We're pulling for and are inspired by you, friend-- Christian99 21 Years Quit

Awesome work, Amy!!! I hope you'll treat yourself (SUBSTANTIALLY) for this extraordinary achievement. Warmest congratulations-- Christian99

So sorry to hear it's been difficult recently, Linda--we know exactly how you're feeling, and it's great that you posted. I really like your formulation that smoking "is what I THINK will bring me comfort"--for me, the phrasing itself shows you analyzing the experience instead of just being subject to the crappy--even cravey--experience. Doesn't make it any less uncomfortable, to be sure, but it's telling that you see the cigarette/comfort connection as the fiction that it is; and as Denali notes above, it takes time to establish more authentic forms of peace and pleasure. Keep up the fabulous work, friend! Christian99 21+ Years Quit

Incredible work, friend--warmest congratulations! C99

Thanks so much, friends Christian99

Awesome, Denali!! Please treat yourself today for this incredible accomplishment, friend. Christian99

Keep up the fabulous work, WW. We're all proud of and pulling for you! Christian99

Thank you, Denali--that's kind to say. 🙂 I'd say your nearly 9 month quit is even more beautiful!!! Keep it up, friend-- C99

Hi Kris-- I felt very much like you during my first 14 months or so. I don't doubt that there are quitters who, for whatever reasons, have a rough couple of weeks and then smoking and thoughts of smoking are entirely in the rear view mirror. But that wasn't me: I'll never forget a terrible day at about the 11 month mark in which, on two separate occasions, I had an unlit cigarette in my mouth, matches in my hand, and tears running down my face. Throughout these months, I couldn't help but think at (many?) times that there must be something wrong with my quit if I'm feeling so crappy for so long. My 1 year anniversary post (on a different site) was all about accepting (and even embracing) the messy, unpleasant, and irascible quit. I've never really been a big proponent, on a personal level, of the importance of "changing your mindset"--whenever I attempted to do that, it felt fundamentally artificial and inauthentic. It's not unrelated, perhaps, to my distaste (to put it mildly) for the insights of Allen Carr and his "easy" way. I think for some of us--and you might be in this category--the quit just needs time, and it benefits from realizing that every single day without a puff is a WIN, regardless of how one feels (though I guess I could be accused of encouraging my own kind of "change in mindset" there). That's not to say that I think it's impossible to mitigate symptoms; however, for me, those things were mostly physical--doing things that were consistent with and supported my non-smoking persona. At some point I just gave up (productively, I think) trying to think about the quit in a new way. I'll leave you with what I think is the most important thing: that regardless of how difficult and interminably long the challenges felt, the transformative freedom that I ultimately achieved was absolutely stunning and so much more profound than I imagined. And that's waiting for you as well. I sometimes wonder, in fact, whether--at least for me--there's a relationship between my sustained misery and the durability and deep meanings of my quit. I don't know, but I do know that I haven't had a single craving (or even a passing thought of smoking) in about 19 years, something I most certainly couldn't have anticipated in those first 14 months. That may or may not happen to you, and the fact that my cravings seem to have been completely extinguished (though I'll always remain vigilant) doesn't make my quit any stronger or better than someone who experiences an occasional twinge. But I think I can guarantee you that you'll experience a kind of freedom that will astound you. While you might think that's easy for me to say at this point, I assure you that I'll never forget that frustrating, frightening stretch during which I felt like the thoughts of smoking would never cease. They did, and they will for you, too, friend. And, most importantly, today was a WIN because you were smokefree. Wishing you the best, Christian99 Nearing 21 Years Quit

You're the boss, Jillar--warmest congratulations! I so admire your commitment to this site and the support you give day after day. Cheers!! Christian99

Hi Marie-- I used Zyban for about the first six weeks of my quit. I think they recommended a three month course at that point, but I felt like I couldn't remain on it because of the tough side effects for me: jitteriness and (more importantly) insomnia. I stayed on it as long as I could, though, because I think it it DID help a little bit with the smoking recovery. I also used nicotine gum for a couple of months. More important than both of those, though, were lots of exercise and new, healthy diet. You can do it, friend-- Christian99 20 Years Quit

Good for you, NF, and glad you're back on track. FWIW, I'd recommend that you remain flexible with your plan with gum: after this current supply runs out, if you find yourself in an absolutely untenable and desperate situation, it's reasonable to at least consider extending your use. And it certainly wouldn't make your quit any less authentic or legitimate than one without NRT. I've been quit for more than twenty years, haven't ingested any nicotine for nearly twenty years, and haven't had a single craving for a cigarette for nearly eighteen. But if I ever found myself in a situation in which I though I might smoke (pretty much unimaginable and unintelligible to me, but still....), I would chew a piece of nicotine gum in a second and consider that a courageous act in protection of my quit. Keep up the great work, friend. We all know you can do it. Christian99

Hello NF: I don't check this site as regularly as I should, but I wish I would have seen your original post in early February. If I had, I would have applied a little pressure to your assertion that "everything I'm reading about nicotine addiction is telling me that my best chances for success are to no longer take in nicotine in any form." It's definitely true that there is vocal and large part of the quitting (and actually non quitting!) community that concentrates on this position; however, that is definitely not the only or universally accepted approach. Many smoking cessation experts understand that SMOKING not nicotine is the central issue to be addressed, especially in the early stages; and, crucially, at one month, a quitter is still in her/his early stages of quitting and recovery. For some (maybe many?) people, it is possible and preferable to completely nicotine free as quickly as possible; however, for others, some form of nicotine replacement--even if that NRT is uneven and has some periods of increase--is more beneficial and conducive for a long-term, lifetime quit. That's my view and the view of some medical experts, the latter who even endorse long-term NRT maintenance therapy for some quitters. And even in those cases, ultimately very few quitters actually remain on nicotine for exceptionally long periods of time. I'm sharing this not to make you feel bad about your decision to cease your NRT use or the loss of your original quit (who knows what would have happened had you continued to chew), but just to invite you to rethink your views about NRT and the assumptions about how it's always in one's best interest to get off of NRT as quickly as possible. Personally, I don't think that's true; in fact, I think that message--powerful as it is in the established quitting community--can actually be quite quite harmful, especially for quitters in their early stages of quitting and recovery. In my book, a day that you don't smoke (whether you use NRT or whether you don't) is a win. Wishing you the best, Christian99 20+ Years Quit

My name's Christian, and I've been quit for 20 years now (smoked from age 18 to age 33). Being a nonsmoker is a fundamental part of my identity, and I continue to benefit from the lessons that I learned from my quitting process. While I haven't had a craving or thought of smoking in about 18 years or so, I remain vigilant because I fear the addiction: the depth and power of my addiction (and the difficulty of those initial stages) were really unsettling and frightening to me. In addition, like many people, I have experienced the health effects of smoking: my brother died at 42 from lung cancer; my mother died at 70 from throat cancer; and I suffered a major heart attack and cardiac arrest at age 40 (my prior smoking obviously a major cause). I've devoted much of my adult life to education, and I'm an English professor at a community college. It's work that I love and that I'm privileged to do. Christian99

Welcome, friend! You've made the greatest, most life-affirming decision possible. I quit at about the same age, and it absolutely transformed my life. Warmest congratulations on your freedom! Be vigilant and be prepared for the challenges ahead. For most of us, recovery is a long and often non-linear process; thus, even when a quitter has some time under her/his belt, there can be rough, unexpected stretches. So it's good to develop some strategies of things to help during those difficult times. For me, exercise was a crucial tool, but find what works for you. Don't hesitate to reach out here if you need some help--you'll find plenty of folks are eager to help. We've all been in your shoes and admire what you're doing. Cheers-- Christian99 20 Years Quit