Christian99

Some of the old timers around here know my story, but I thought I'd share it for those who are relatively new. Also, it's definitely on my mind, as my "anniversary" is impending, on 10/13. Seventeen years ago, my 42 y/o brother died of lung cancer. It was a terrible, grueling death, exacerbated quite dramatically by his shame and guilt for his smoking, which he was unable to quit even after the diagnosis and many treatments. Indeed, after he lost consciousness for the last time, he was still making smoking motions with his hands, bringing imaginary cigarettes to his lips. Thankfully, I was able to visit him to say goodbye on the day before his death, though I had to leave to get back to work the next day, four hours away. I don't have much memory of that next day, October 13, though I did go to work and teach my classes; then, as was typical those days, I went to the gym after work. In the locker room, I collapsed with a major (so called "Widowmaker") heart attack and cardiac arrest--strangers found me (blue and not breathing) and some emergency CPR and AED were administered as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. Unconscious, I was taken to hospital, where I remained in critical condition for three days with very low chances of survival and even lower of surviving without significant cognitive impairments. My crisis occurred at 5PM; at about 9PM, Mark died. Two hours later, given the horror she had experienced, his wife took her own life. I would learn these facts only several days later after I had regained consciousness, and I'm told that they needed to be repeated to me dozens of times because of my initial cognitive and memory challenges. Shortly after I was told, I'd ask again, "How is Mark?" I imagine that it was incredibly frightening and sad for my parents and wife to hear this. I share this story not for pity, but as a testament to the ravages of smoking. Mark was a heavy smoker, and his wife smoked even more. My own emergency was caused in part by my thirteen years of heavy smoking, from 18-33. I had been quit for seven years before this health catastrophe, but it definitely played a role. On the other hand, every doctor with whom I've worked since has told me that I had absolutely no chance of survival had a still been a smoker. Zero. So quitting smoking literally saved my life at age 40. Given what I saw with my brother, I've become convinced that while I absolutely quit for a better life, I also quit for a better death. Thanks for listening (sorry for the "trauma porn"), and keep the quit everyone! Christian99 Nearing 24 Years Quit

Outstanding--a wise and courageous move, friend. Be ready and vigilant for the moments when that clarity is tested. C99

I'll share two core principles/insights that may help you: 1. Abstinence is always possible and always the right choice. A justifiable reason to smoke does not exist. 2. Quitting got easier for me when I decided that I could and would remain quit even if it never got any easier. You can do it, and you know you must-- Christian99 23 1/2 Years Quit

Please don't wait, Pilgrim: it's easy to keep delaying a quit because it doesn't feel like the right time or you don't feel as positive or confident as you think you should be. In fact, waiting for the ideal time can be a powerful form of denial--by waiting and planning and thinking, you can trick yourself into thinking that you're actually making progress. You're not. The only way to make progress is by refraining from smoking, even--perhaps especially--if you're feeling like crap. Lots of quitters say that having a positive attitude helps or is even essential to a successful quit. These perspectives have merit and definitely work for many people; however, you don't need that in order to create your lifetime quit. I was pretty miserable for awhile, ultimately trusting that I could quit myself into certainty, confidence, and happiness. That path is also available to you. You can do it, friend, and it will transform your life-- Christian99 23 1/2 Years Quit

These are the crucial moments/periods, Pilgrim--so many of us have/had incredibly vulnerable moments during the first year or so. Keep grinding it out friend--you're doing it! Christian99 23+ Years Quit

I am just learning this terrible news. I met Jillar on the OG Quitnet site, and I've always been so inspired by and grateful for her contributions to that place, QSMB, and Quittrain. I extend my deepest condolences to her family and friends, Christian99

Hi Tkon-- You've just made the most important decision of your life, and I applaud you for it: becoming smoke-free will absolutely change your life. Even now, many years after I quit, I benefit from lessons I learned and strategies I practiced during the most difficult periods of quitting. There are so many ways to quit--and I'd encourage you to read as widely as possible on the different approaches--but I really benefited from lots of exercise. If that's a reasonable option for you, I'd encourage you to give it a try. But that's just one way--do whatever it takes (and whatever aligns most closely with your personality) to remain smoke-free. We all know you can do it, friend!! Christian99 23+ Years Quit

Hi ammj-- Welcome, friend--we know you can do it! Something that helped me was exercise--it helped manage excess anxiety and gave me something positive and proactive on which to focus, instead of just the thing I was ostensibly denying myself. Nicotine gum for a few months also helped. Hang in there! Christian99 23+ Years Quit

Incredible, Wendy!!! Warmest congratulations Christian99

I still get one or two smoking dreams per year: they're incredibly distressing to me, and they tend to ruin a day or two for me. I've come to the conclusion that these have nothing to do with smoking; instead, I see them as manifestations of broader anxieties about "failure," feeling like an imposter, etc. To have resumed smoking is just my brain's most powerful expression of those anxieties. But they still suck. Christian99 23+ Years Quit

Hi MLMR-- I, too, struggled with serial failed quits, and I know how discouraging it feels. Realizing that my approach wasn't working, I decided to take a more radical approach: instead of "just" quitting, I decided to situate quitting in the larger project of GETTING HEALTHY. This included significant changes to my diet and a really serious fitness program, which gave me lots of positive, proactive things to think and learn about instead of obsessing over the thing I was ostensibly denying myself. In addition, I hoped that these new activities would accelerate the process of seeing myself as a non-smoker, creating another line of defense during those inevitable moments of vulnerability. While this new approach certainly didn't make quitting easy, it made it possible for me; I'm forever grateful that I tried it. It's probably true that I went a little overboard with the diet and exercise during that first year, but many years later I'm still convinced that this was the way it needed to be for me. My point really isn't to encourage you to adopt my method (though it's worth thinking about); instead, I'm sharing it as an example of doing something(s) different. What would a different set of actions look like for you? Shifting the emphasis to practice--and pretty radical practice at that--as opposed to how I was thinking about cigarettes really helped me. We know you can do it! Christian99 23+ Years Quit

Awesome, Run!! C99

Thanks, friend.

Hi MIke-- FWIW, I'd urge patience and grace with yourself regarding the patch: while I think I'm sort of in the minority on this site when it comes to NRT, I'm convinced that the most--and perhaps ONLY--important thing that matters is not smoking or vaping. If patches are helping you maintain complete abstinence (and you're achieving that), that is an absolute, unqualified success. Years ago, when I was very active in smoking cessation communities and very aware of the best peer-reviewed smoking addiction research, it was clear to me to that the scientific consensus was that not smoking was and should be the emphasis. In fact, many addiction experts were recommending NRT beyond the officially stated guidelines. In my experience, it's best to see smoking/vaping as the enemy, NOT nicotine. I'll admit that my "expertise" (such as it is/was), is probably about 15 years old, so I can't really speak to what the contemporary research shows. But I'd say you're doing great, friend. Do whatever you need to do to maintain this momentum. Keep up the great work! Christian99 Nearing 23 years quit

Hi Diane-- FWIW, I'd say don't worry at all about the nicotine lozenges: the "enemy" here is cigarettes, not nicotine. Any day that you don't smoke is a win. Period. The first few weeks and months can really, really suck. They certainly did for me. I often tell people that quitting was far more difficult than I expected (and I think I went in with reasonable expectations) AND far more transformative. You're experiencing the former; the latter awaits you, I promise. Hang in there, friend-- Christian99 22 1/2 Years Quit