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Still winning

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  1. Still winning

    Almost 6 months

    By Still winning,

    I hold on to my quit being a fantastic thing. It instills strength, pride, worth to me. I love how I feel, this freedom. Even the occasional time it feels "tricky" I know I'm ok, weirdly I "trust me" nowadays. When life feels a bit hard, I often wonder is it due to the quit - the truth is honestly no and it hasn't been for some time. Non smokers have bad times and rarely anymore is it about not smoking.
     
    The "problem" seems to be people still think I am the person I was. The smoker, who accepted more and just walked away to "calm and smoke". I am not that woman anymore. Early quit I'd shout and scream, then cry - really, lot's of crying! Now I look in distain at the people who think I am someone who can be pushed around. If that sounds harsh then so be it. Nothing about me is harsh if you are a good person, I am kind and want to help - but if you bring a fight to my door, I can battle.
     
    I like the bottom line of where quitting smoking has taken me. So far removed from a family holiday or a child pushing me. It's taken me to a place of self belief and inner strength. Literally, anything is possible if you just believe in it, and yourself. It's ok to be happy, even if others don't agree with you and your choices, still ok!
     
    I wish I could share this feeling with others and them actually understand it. Both smokers wondering is it "too hard" to quit - HELL NO! Best thing you could ever do for yourself and your sense of self worth and imbeciles who think that people pleaser I was may still exist. NOPE, long gone and fare thee well to her! Today I stand in my own strength and add to my children a quit in the "look what I did" camp :)
  2. Still winning

    Found my day 1 poem

    By Still winning,

    I keep a journal and I was just browsing for day 1 thoughts and feelings as someone asked for ideas and found the poem/motivational writing I made myself to read by candlelight looking for additional strength, I sat and wrote it the first evening. I will never forget how I felt, a mixture of emotions both sad for what I thought I was giving up and how would I cope and utter exhileration that I might actually make it.
     
    Manic,
    Panic,
    I can't breath!
    Raging,
    pacing,
    Inside I seeth.
    Smiling,
    laughing,
    Can't quite believe!
    Nice People,
    Steep hill,
    I can achieve!!
     
    This time, this place, is where I see,
    I could always do this, I can be free.
    I'm scared and happy, kill or cure,
    I'll give it all to come out pure.
    Live for today, not tomorrow
    Only forwards, no failure sorrow.
    I can, I will, I shout out loud
    I own my body, I will be proud!
     
    It was fun to find it and apparently I jumped from foot to foot literally shouting nope - I wonder why the neighbours look at me strangely nowadays haha. :)
  3. Still winning
    Not my style, not my way but I think I just done wallowed the last two weeks of my life away? Sad, unhappy, over thinking, questioning myself, my life, my parenting - but not my quit. I love that bit by the way, even when life feels like it utterly sucks balls for no apparent reason my quit is still in the "oh yeah, doin it" section. August was the most abhorent, scary emotional month I have seen in some time. I am utterly jaded but re grouping.
     
    I am brutalized I was too unwell to complete my healing module in the legitamate "insurance" world. FFS, I have been using my skills since before I knew what the skills were!! - and I can't practice in the real world due to insurance?! Why has my path gotta put so many road blocks in the way to make me always think I'm missing something I need to know. Meh, sucky stupid timings.
     
    So, phew. Ok, it's time to put my childish thoughts behind me. It's my birth month :) The time where I reset my year, my year by the way, i get the january the 1st thing but I think at your birthday, you should do a life review and set in motion your plans for your next year. SO .... By this time next year I want to have clients, who I can lay my (non smoking YEY) hands on and help. I need to start working on a "proper job" skill set and I still have no clue, but 7 days left.
     
    So if now, when my baby girl starts full time school (mortified). And my Mum is still utterly scared but possibly closet smoking again (div). And the world feels like it is testing me - if now - my quit is in safe hands.... then I'm going to assume that even though I have an occasional thought to smoke that I'm all good and not worry anymore. I love that I can pay it forward though, that's so fab! 11 days until 6 months quit!! Multiple quits inspired by mine!! New friends!! I don't know why I spent a month uneasy?? It's as great as it always was :) A blocked path is not a roadblock, it's an opportunity to know more. Stay focused.
     
    Quitting is a journey, not an event. Eternal vigilance. Addiction. All true, but look at the strength that surrounds this site, these people. This is a great time to be here and it feels amazing to pay it forward. I think I will be happy about it for a while.
     
    PS, I may have had a wine, thus promtping such happiness lol, but still, it's pretty cool being a small part of this place that saves people and heals them :)
     
    x
  4. Still winning

    Got no mates!

    By Still winning,

    Another quitter today has raised the "drop off rates". Wow they are pretty high!! Now there is a person on the board with my time, but only one. This time is a bit strange to be honest. 4 months was lovely, no craves, all peace. 5 months is reminding me, hey you used to smoke...hey you, you smoked you know....hey hey, can you hear me and so it goes. Now of course it's good, it's me. I have traced back and found the triggers and will work on them and my quit is safe.
     
    So where's me mates at?? Well, they keep dropping like flies. Me, I'm still sure no matter what I may think or feel periodically I am absolutely a non smoker! But why, why am I ok and others are not? Was it my weirdo approach? Or guys like Jonny5 who was not everyone's cup of tea but reinforced my quit like a boss. Or my quit buddy who regularly assures me when I go bat shizzle that all is well and I should not be a donut? ....
     
    I think it's me! I think "I got it" fairly early days. It does not solve a damn thing, it never did. I remember there being a point, I was brutally upset about something or other and I thought I would smoke for a fleeting second...closely followed by what's the point, it doesn't help! In THAT moment I accepted I was going to have to relearn how to cope and I grieved for what was but now wasn't.
     
    When my Mum was rushed to hospital, diagnosed with heart failure, on top of copd and she was discharging herself (as we do) and putting it all on me.... I was terrified, my craves went through the roof, for days.. I literally "chose" to hold on and wait to see what happened. I never said but I paced for nights on end, listening that all was well and breathing was happening. It only took my buddy saying got your back and Aine saying, of course you would consider smoking to bring me back down long enough that I could hold on. It absolutely did not diminish the triggers/craves but I knew that my choices for coping were real limited and I had to find another way.
     
    Two days ago was a virgo (my sign), new moon which for me, signifies new beginnings. I asked for strength for a friend here, who is looking for a new career path and strength for me to follow my dreams again and reinforce my lifestyle which is about being healthier and that certainly includes not smoking.
     
    This saturday I formalise my reiki training and I can finally insure to practice properly, let loose on the general public and charge, when I'm ready. Something else I posted that really stuck with me is I did not want to touch another person reeking of stale smoke. How could I put my hands up to another person who may be a non smoker and stink?
     
    Ultimately I want to teach I think. Teach how to plant by moon signs or how to heal via reiki and angels and how to intuit tarot along with the standard lines. I just want to share what I have learnt. It might sound odd to some but to me it's how I have lived knowingly and unknowingly. I cannot unlearn what I know, I will not unlearn my non smoking traits...for me it's all part of the path.
     
    That said, I wish my path would bring some of that beautiful peace back because this bit, well it's a bit tough. I'm up to it of course but it would be nicer to have some easy peasy. But still, if I had that, how would I be any use to the people who suffer with a quit...5 quits inspired by my 1 now. I will prove by sheer strength of will that you can have a tough times in your quit and still succeed :) It might make no sense to anyone else but I will do what I have always done and lead by example.
  5. Still winning

    What's going on?

    By Still winning,

    It's all a bit hairy in the wonderful world at the moment. At the risk of "engaging my weird", I know the energy is off kilter at the moment and everyone's feeling pretty insecure, I guess I'm no exception.
     
    Quitting: Well that's two who have fallen off that I have cried real hard tears for. I panicked, what if that was me later?? My advice upon more tears from my fella was "you really must stop getting SO involved with everybody". My quit buddy's advice was I'm an "unhinged psycho and my quit is fine, if I fail he will drive and smack me in the nose". Perfect haha. Jeez I need some softer people in my sphere :) But actually I like it, keepin it real with a scottish bloke and a london bloke...gotta be done.
     
    Home: My Mum continues to panic at every little thing. She is struggling with her quit and nearly smoked at the weekend. Out with smoking friends and one offered her a cig and she says it was nearly at her mouth before she gave it back and said no. But more then that she is plain scared all the time. I don't even know how I'm doing this, I'm bloody scared and I have to pretend to be fine and make sure everyones needs are catered for, she is no exception. Chasing medical reports and information and it's draining me. I know that sounds selfish but it is what it is.
     
    Children: Summer holidays and my eldest continues to resemble "kevin the teenager". I'm so sad. I utterly adore this child, she lights up my days and her sister makes me smile and laugh. They bring more to me then I think then I can to them, although a Mum who completely adores them no matter who they are is surely a powerful thing. I had to conform as a child, always, and it broke my spirit for a long time. Mine at least don't have that.
     
    Weird Convo: I am the last of my real sisters to quit. One was round today and says since her 5 year quit she has had 6 cigs, in fact once buying a pack pissed as a fart and only smoking one as it made her feel so sick! What?! How on earth can she do that. I genuinely do not want to smoke but am under no illusion... a puff away from a pack a day could have been written for me! I really don't understand testing yourself like that and I am super pleased she was able to do that and walk away again but NO WAY for me, not now not ever. I am freaked she tested herself at all.
     
    So although I KNOW I'm ok, my life is still the happy place it was and on the path I chose - well I feel a little "meh" about it all. Not exclusive to quitting, this week just feels like hard work.
     
    So if you feel a little odd too then I guess we just shouldn't worry. It's a crazy week.
     
    With all of that, with how hard it all feels for no apparent reason at the moment - My quit continues to make me happy. M yquit continues to be as secure as I can make it with the eternal vigilance that Markus wrote of and Bandit reminded me of. Those who succeed don't always make it because it was easy for them... we make it because we know we are addicts who cannot succumb! I'm a non smoker havin a tough week is all.
  6. Still winning
    When I gave up somewhere I got the idea to write a list of why I didn't want to do the smoking thing anymore. I added more and more of course, as we quit new benefits and logics come to you. Anyway, orginal list:
     
    -Broke my word to Milly TWICE saying I would quit and didn't
    -I want to sing along to my songs I like
    -My cough
    -Mums health scares me
    -Want to go out sometimes (money)
    -Can't afford clothes and shoes which I need.
    -Florida trip, going nowhere!
    -£300 a month?!?
    -Outside smoking
    -2nd hand smoke for children
    -We all smell, everything smells!
    -To prove I can give up
     
    Well today I FINALLY sang along to my halestorm CD in the car!! I mean I wasn't in tune or anything but I could hit all the notes without my voice/throat cracking :) It was one of the things that really annoyed me about being a smoker, seems silly when I compare it to what I have now but in my defence I didn't know how endless the benefits would be!!
     
    Nothing of note for anyone else but I kinda felt like I had achieved or done all I could with the rest of my list. My Mums health will never improve but she and my partner quit smoking eventually. We are all healthier and becoming more healthy eating aware. First and foremost I put my children first - finally! I will never forgive myself for failing my daughter and breaking my word :(
     
    Ironic to read the list now though. So many things weren't on it. Like self worth. Health benefits for me and so it goes on.
     
    Smokings pretty nuts!! The distortion in thinking is utterly crazy!! Pleased I'm free.
  7. Still winning
    My quit still will always me happy. I put it on a pedestal with other amazing things I've done. I think I value it so highly because I understand my quit was an addict literally fighting for a life! I see all day every day the effects of smoking related illness and one can only be an emu for so long.
     
    I knew I needed help. I am pretty tough :) I have been through some situations which I am lucky enough grew me into a spiritual and warrior type of force. Do not misunderstand that, I am incredibly humble about the lucky ways I had an opportunity to learn. But through it all I have remained mysterious, hidden, outwardly composed...until I joined the quit train. Allowing myself to "be me" without fear was as great as the quit, the fact that people accepted that was a really big moment for me. There were a number of things that transpired and bought me to a healing place. I am the one who believes in fate and karma. In soul connections and reasons for living. I have spent pretty much all of my life looking after people in one way or another. In honesty it made me pretty jaded and lonely.
     
    This quit and my friends here have in no small way transformed my thinking. I am now a non practising addict, but I am very aware of that and eternally vigilant (someone else's words). For the first time in my entire life I trust a guy. When I could have failed I thought of him and when I've struggled I contact him and without fail he is always there. And to date the only person I haven't threatened to take down when calling me a dopey tart haha. A quit buddy is pretty important and never have I been so delighted for a fella to announce "your ass is mine"! Stu, if you ever remember to read the blogs, thank you. x
     
    I felt support and acceptance. I never even knew I needed that to quit and just be but I did!! Wow, from my heart and soul thank you so much. xx
  8. Still winning

    Been a while

    By Still winning,

    Not updated as not much to report to be honest.
     
    I'm almost 5 months, as it's the 2nd I know that's in 10 days, but mostly I don't really remember how long it's been since I quit. That feels massively ironic as at stages there I was counting in minutes, at a push days. Months seemed totally unrealistic and I smile to think back.
     
    It turns out 4 is my new magic number. Since the actual day I turned 4 months quit I have honestly felt great! That particular day was a dark one on the emotional front and through it all I never even considered smoking which I didn't even realize until the next day. I haven't since then either.
     
    I am fairly sure this steady movement forward (not that it always felt like that!) is in great part because of my interaction here. When I post that it will get better, I mean it does get better and I want you to hold on! As a fantastic by product though it reminds me of where I was and never will be again - thus my quit is also reinforced.
     
    I understand how people start to drop off the radar on the board at my stage of the quit. I have nothing very clever to say to people quitting nor do I have very much to post about. However, I also still have people around who are not quit from this board - but I absolutely know they will and I want to be here to see the great moments :) Hey perhaps I'm just nosy haha.
     
    My epic journey continues and less then 3 months until my Florida trip with my family which was a contributor to why I quit. Laughable now, I wish I had of understood and not hidden my head in the sand for so long before quitting. Still what's done is done and I only look forward now.
  9. Still winning
    She forgot the date, she has done none of what I did or had any support - just cracked on after 50 odd years and didn't smoke. She's been quitting forever, far longer than I was trying for.
     
    She is still cranky as all hell but she is also feeling unwell. The quit was prompted by a heart scare which can now add to the copd as a lifelong condition, caused by smoking and it was the trigger she needed to just stop there and then. She used a patch for 2 weeks then ditched that too.
     
    We bitch a lot but I come from a strong line of women :) I am really proud of my moody quitting mother!!
  10. Still winning
    Boom and by the gods, got another one sucked in!! My Giles quits tomorrow with a brilliant mindset of - Mart, if you've got it, then so can I! I LOVE this inspiring stuff!! Even if this doesn't take, he is thinking, and seeing it's do-able and I am somehow managing to enable that, simply by quitting!!
     
    And his twin brother is part of my soul group, so if I can suck Giles in, maybe I can suck my Elliott into quitting. By the way some people think soul mates are the bird/bloke they happen to marry or be with etc. I don't buy that although good for you/each to their own etc. I think we pick a group of people that we will re-incarnate with and they will bring something to our life, or us to them. Yes the fella I'm currently with is in my gang but we were powerful to each other as friends too. Numbers wise I think this is in the 5 - 10 ish people realm, in case you wonder what I'm rambling about :) Spiritual ya know :)
     
    So I am so pleased I hung tough for all those days I wondered if I was being dim trying to quit. All the times I quit and failed and quit and failed :( Made me sad but each quit/failure taught me something and brought me to this place I am today where I will not smoke, would be the dumbest thing I had done for a long time - pretty much since I last started smoking.
     
    I quit though and NOW, here and now, I am a non smoker and I accept that. For months I have been a quitting smoker, or a reformed smoker (lol, real bad) or someone who wasn't smoking....now I just don't smoke.
     
    It's like someone gave me the last hidden puzzle pieces but I couldn't tell you which bits were missing, it was a time thing I guess. I typed a line on the voldemort site that hit me like a freight train, it was this:
    ""I answered questions honestly, like sometimes I would love a cig, but mostly I am just really relieved all those craves are over - no not the withdrawal...the all day every day craves of being a smoker...that was exhausting! "".
    That is how I feel.
     
    It makes me so happy I can use this to help others though, that is who I am :)
     
    This emotional outburst is sponsered by white wine :) But still true lol and I am so happy I quit and that others will quit by my example well beyond my two man expectations. 5th quit I've inspired?! Man, I must of looked like some real commited smoker before I became a happy non smoker :)
  11. Still winning
    I don't take failure well. I don't take pointing out or twisting my flaws well.It stillpushes my buttons. Not SOS now but I find it harder when people piss me off. I understand how I gave up a year quit when I feel upset. I won't, cause nothing is worth it but blimey. It's been tough isall.
  12. Still winning
    Sometimes, when you least expect it, this quitting malarky ramps itself up a gear.
     
    I was soo upset and angry earlier in the week. I knew I wouldn't smoke, I did think about it read my own answer to an sos (which it wasn't but precautionary). It suddenly felt like an answer from another lifetime. I have cigs in the house, have the whole quit though so not new or a plan, and I thought "I wish it would help, I know it won't, sigh". And just carried on being upset.
     
    Like a non smoker!!
     
    Having a tough week, the natives are restless and ill and very annoying, each in their own right. Zero desire to smoke!
     
    I wonder if it's because my house is safely smoke free now (last quitter has 3 weeks but did smoke here) or whether it's a new faze of this quit.
     
    Comrade wasn't much further then me when he posted he hadn't thought about smoking for a whole day!! I want that!! I won't smoke of course and of that I am positive, no more, never again yada yada. I do think though, oh I would smoke here but I don't smoke so that's not gonna happen... without breath, like it reads lol. I even sniff fresh smoke and think ahhhhh and then "oh 40 of those a day, no thanks" and force myself to crack on.
     
    Please let it be a new faze!!
  13. Still winning
    Ok, so it took an admission through A&E and two ambulance calls, a cist on the kidney and a damaged and over beating heart whilst literally filling up with fluid at 66 years old.... (and breath) ....but she quit.
     
    She will never read this cause "forums aren't her thing, all those do gooders patting each other on the back" apparently?! But still a one week, bootstrap quit. Just cracked on, some whinging but too scared to smoke anymore.
     
    I am still worried but sooo relieved she is at least giving herself a chance to recover a bit here!!
     
    If she can do it, really any one can do it.
     
    On a selfish note, so much nicer not constantly being around smoking. I get it doesn't bother some, it drove me mad!
  14. Still winning
    Goodness my brain has been busy!! It's so different now, the thinking, much easier but still conflicting.
     
    I know for sure I will not smoke, no matter what. 3 Reasons for this.
    1 I want to be a non smoker
    2 I simply cannot do that withdrawal again, never in all my days would I have called myself an addict, until I realized I was an addict.
    3 My fear of smoking now far outweighs my fear of quitting and the random thought neurons I still possess. Reading that back I still run by fear rather than what others say which is you have to not want to smoke more than you want to smoke. Same end game though I think.
     
    My whole life is different from 3 months ago though, and I feel I ought to document that.
    -How annoying was smokers cough and how fabulous is life without it! It had been so long I didn't even know how awful it was
    -I am no longer controlled by impulses that damage my body
    -I really like food! Ironic that I spent that many years eating because I had too but now I eat because it tastes great
    -Financially, a weight has been lifted! £300 per month was no small amount to find
    -If I want to exercise, I can. No more bright red, I just look normal
    -I am building self belief here, I am an advocate of powerful thoughts but now I act in a way that aligns with how I thought
     
    I wish I didn't still have the thoughts of oh I would smoke here, but I do. Where once I felt fear for them, then felt annoyed by them, now I want to smash them into next week. I get angry it still happens, I mean how dare my own brain try and trip me up?! It's my own brain! But I take responsibility that I taught it this is how we work and now I need to re program myself. I continue to do that with reading and watching what smoking does to a person, then imagining that it's me. The horror I feel at someone telling me about Cancerous cells again, or having to tell my children I made myself sick pushes me on where no words ever could or would. I think I will always be scared of the damage I have already done though and that is penance in a way I guess.
     
    So this is how 3 months looks for me. I am ok, much better then I ever thought I would be really, who knew I could actually quit. The thoughts are just thoughts and I have found tools to cope with it. I read with real hope people who say they don't even think about smoking anymore :) Maybe not me though where I have to watch it and breath it 2nd hand every day, maybe I will have to be eternally strong and on guard? I really hope not though.
     
    Still the one comment I made once sticks with me, this is both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done!
     
    But I am free!! There is all kinds of power in this freedom so I will always hold onto it. 3 months and counting.
  15. Still winning
    I feel like I ought to sing a rendition of Elton John's "I'm still standing" and I smile at this. I had so many failures with quits I'm not sure I've fully taken in that I don't smoke. Yet I have, I KNOW and have known for sometime, truth to tell, that I'm done, no more smoking.
     
    I'm not sure of the point of this blog?? lol. So me, I start writing with no idea of the end game. I wish I was one of those together people who always had a plan :)
     
    It's my magic number coming up next though. I'm approaching 3 months. Now the 3's have not worked in my favour to date. It confuses me. At 3 days I stood shaking and sobbing staring out a packet of cigs, I genuinely laughnow but at the time it was dreadful! I danced through two weeks wondering what the drama was, only to get slapped down like biatch at 3 weeks. Idon't think my kitchen floor has ever been so clean as it was on week 3!! Yikes!! But 3 is my lucky number, it's my elusive winning number in the grand scheme of life - but yeah, I hear it's a right old bad time in quits.
     
    Ah whatever, I say bring your worst, I have faced the worst time and time again. If I ever doubt that I only have to walk to the next room in my house and listen to COPD and know, smoking did that. God, what if my girls smoked cause I'd set a precedent that it was ok!! No way, not now not ever.
     
    Today is a good day, I can cope. But even at my weakest I won't smoke, I won't let me - you guys won't let me. I commit myself to a year to this board, I do it on my own blog. I will pay it forward, I will accept the journey feels awesome and troubling, I will not smoke. I still believe we all deserve more.
  16. Still winning
    I know it's not possible of course but it all feels a bit samey at the moment, it feels like time isn't really passing. I just put in June celebrations to the calender, or started too. Put in it will be 3 months for me next month and thought "Jeez, is that all"! I guess this can be taken in a good way. I look at the progress I've made, the limited triggers I now get and that's at 2 months and some but it feels weird and out of whack, like it should be longer, not sure why.
     
    I also look how I define trigger now, once it was attached to a gut wrench feeling, now a crave is all mental and frankly, annoying. I simply say nope and move on most of the time. The harder times are when a smoker wants to smoke and talk to me, I have to watch them smoke and it still makes me think "ahhh, but not for me". When my daughters are away from me, I get restless and that causes some bigger triggers, boredom is still high on my mental chatter list. Posting and distracting myself does work though which is good.
     
    I actually through it all, do not want to smoke anymore. I am done abusing my body that way.
     
    Exercise is fun but maybe this shred thing isn't the way for me. I am a little over-zealous and keep hurting myself lol. I want to do what they do, sadly I'm 38 with less oophf then the body built tv birds :) Oopsy, deep heat on the shoulder again and moving on I will rest today and try once more tomoz. If not I can go back to the other stuff I was enjoying.
     
    I forgot I like to exercise...how did I forget?! I like to feel fit and well and I can't believe my brain tried to hide that from me so I would smoke again? Even hurting I'm thinking this is great! The euphoria I get after exercise definately outweighs the smoking "aahhhhh" which is crave induced.
     
    Overall I think I'm ok but on edge. Not to the place I want to be yet but trucking on. I will know when I get to the elusive "i'm there" I'm sure.
  17. Still winning

    Arguments!

    By Still winning,

    Argument today, with my Mum. Waited for the trigger and it didn't happen!! I wondered if I would think about smoking .. actually what I thought is smoking won't help at all here and genuinely meant it.
     
    Broke a trigger!!!
     
    Sadly this just means there are too many arguments around me all the time :( but still chuffed this is not a trigger now.
  18. Still winning
    I am a quit buddy whore, I have two cause I'm greedy like that. Just my new one talking about getting back on the train has reminded me I always wanted this. My older and yet strangely skirted (for a fella) and experienced one has reminded me all the way through that I have had this since day 1. I don't know as if I forgot that per se, I think I was safe...but I forgot the severity with which I wanted this freedom. Talking someone else through it and actually my beloved cousin asking me about it for him has reminded me I LOVE this quit.
     
    Amy and Stu, your refreshing ways remind me I love this quit, I love this support and this board. I was always ok, it was just life stuff and never to do with not smoking, which still remains the 3rd best thing I've ever done with my little life.
     
    I would do a hallelujah if I was that way inclined but I no longer am lol, so I will raise my energy and share the thanks with the next person I see who could use the support, cause THAT is what I do and THAT is who I am. I heal, I lead, I save - I do not wallow and whinge and whine.
     
    I will ALWAYS beat the craves because I don't want to smoke. There is no need to be afraid they will come again because if they do, I will smash them back again..and yeah, I may do that with a snot fest but hey, I never said I was a classy bird :) Ya know, I know it's coming again. I know from little things this board has said and reading what people have felt. It's ok, battle I can do, like I said in my first week I want and deserve this quit and I will do whatever it takes.
     
    I am and always was ok and that is in no small part from this support network. Powerful stuff! xx
  19. Still winning
    Tough emotional week, like gritty tough. Living on my nerves but wasn't really concerned about my quit which felt safe and of course, is still safe. My kids are away for the weekend so I can relax and maybe I just drunk too much? Mum lit up in front of me, a conversation went horribly wrong with Chris, then from nowhere - massive crave! Like huge crave, what the hell, where from?! Before I know it I'm out of bed and hunting the house for cigarettes...jeez, really have no idea! I got to the point where I wasn't sure what i would do when i found them so posted an sos, wanted to make sure i was accountable. I'm still shaky emotionally, that was very real and very raw. Don't want to smoke, my quit is as safe as it can be but I feel like crud and exhausted :(
  20. Still winning
    I want to be all light and airy and supportive on this board. But I don't have that in me right now. Right now real life is not playing ball, or maybe I really am nuts and causing drama in my own life. I can't face anymore arguing, even if I say I don't want to talk, I can't seem to shut my mother up at the moment. She is sniping and shouting and carrying on like quite frankly a child...although that's insulting to kids, cause my kids behave better! Her non quit is doing my frikkin head in, I'd almost rather she just smoked and shut up. Mind you she wasn't normal when she did that either, but better than this. I just feel so tired with it all. And of course i lump the not smoking in there, or maybe it's cause of the not smoking. Whiny whiny, this isn't good. Today though, this is what I have. I will trudge again, I will trudge because I have people who tell me I will be ok, I can't see it today but I am assured this is normal (not my family lol, the feeling) and I will keep trudging.
     
    I will read, I meditate like Bug, not helping today. I see Julie has family drama going on and is fighting at times too, I can empathise. Isee people relapsing and thinking others are judging, I always feel judged, i can empathise. I think I just feel bloody sorry for myself and that's shocking. Bandito is breaking through bless him, who knew I would let anyone call me a dosey tart and then nod and agree. So yes, I need to remember there are smiles. It's a phase.
     
    Phases I can do. Divorce was a nasty phase, done that. Cervical cancer was a nasty phase done that. Carrying my kids and trying not to kick the bucket periodically was a phase and I did that twice. Just a phase. It was bad before at times, it got brighter again. This too will pass right. But ok, just for today, i will allow the mood. Feel what I need to feel so I can move on. Keep trudging, one step at a time, this foot, that foot..
  21. Still winning

    What a year!!

    By Still winning,

    1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a board I was depserate, confused, exhausted with trying and failing and assuming, if I'm truthful, that it would all end in dying of smoking eventually! So then when I wrote this I felt like I unearthed some real magic from somewhere I hadn't had access to in myself before:
     
    10pm, March 11 2014:
    My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too??
    Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x
     
    As I waited for the (mixed) responses to come in I lit my last cigarette that I will ever smoke. Answers ranged from "suck it up buttercup" (gee thanks), to "you got this" (do they even know how many failures I have, well no) to "just jump". That last gem stuck with me, I mean there's a nike ad saying just do it isn't there. What would happen if I just jumped!! It's not really me, I am a planner. I was already on champix, had tried patches, mega allergies and fights to get the champix yada yada...I'm a planner :) So what could actually go wrong if I jumped? Now I was really thinking, what about if I jumped and just here on the forum gave people the real me, the stories as they unfolded, utterly unheard of.. I am the queen of repression and hide everything so I look strong, so this was all new. But it felt like the whole journey had to be real and that for the first time, I would let people help me and not be so independent. I tried to light a "final farewell cigarette" the next morning, and couldn't do it. I put it out and mentally dug in.
     
    So I started a really crazy journey. I took a bit from here and a bit from there. Quitting is a journey, not an event. SNOT, grimness, but means smoking is not on the table...if it's not what can I do instead, I spent a lot of time smoking. NOPE not one puff ever...oh thank gods, someone added just for today in little words, forever was far too huge for me, I was struggling minute by minute! No one is more addicted, we are all addicts - no likey! I am not an addict I am a very strong woman...oh, will ya look at that, seems I'm an addict...and then the acceptance, brutal as it was. I visualized a smoke free me, I chanted, I switched from foot to foot shouting nope...I was an all fired nut job haha...but I was a non smoking nutter, so all good. Whyquit imagine if I was one of those who died young, I imagined telling my kids. I read horror stories and sobbed, I got really friggin real about what I was doing to myself and what a selfish tit I'd been.
     
    Then came the deeper understandings. I cried the day I realized I would never have "just one" again. It felt like a grieving moment. I knew it was sick, but it was hard for me. I hated the cravings/triggers, how very dare they try and come for me, I raged, I cried (A LOT) and one godawful night in April some precious folk talked me down off the most horrible emotional ledge, I still cry if I read my own SOS from back then. I felt like I literally was in battle with myself.
     
    In hindsight, I made it much harder for myself than it needed to be. Once I understood that, that I was already a non smoker, there was no fight, there was just day to day (really thank you Stu) then it got easier. As I stopped being scared I wasn't medicating my emotions with nicotine or repression and allowed myself to feel them and not be afraid to go through them, I got stronger. I let the most wonderful man ever talk to me like I was worthwhile as a person, not just the strong one who copes and felt validity in all I felt. I am honest in saying he saved my life, I know some of my strength was borrowed. So then, if I was now real, and free then I needed to test it, so I added exercise and loved that too! I still like burgers far too much but all healthy is too much for now lol.
     
    I had the money to holiday and extend my skills for a potential spiritual business. But more than that, I started to believe if I wanted it and worked at it, I could actually achieve anything, well maybe apart from being an astronaut, that ship sailed I guess but mostly anything else. As I stopped being fake and strong for everyone the fight back around me was immense. As numbers of people tried to "put the lid back on the box" but it was too late. I was proud of who I was and what I had done in my life, but also confident that I was worthwhile and carried a value that few around me had ever given. Some stood with me, some dissapeared and some fought. I still fight but I carry strength and support from a powerful journey. So I do say, if you do the journey the hard way, there's still value in it and all roads lead to rome.
     
    So 1 heartwrenching SOS and 2 serious wobbles where thoughts of my buddy carried me through, I had given my word and I never break a promise. From desperate worries about whether I was even a likable if my own mother was so crazy mean to me were met with adoption from Nancy via chat. A throwaway support line made me stand back up and re commit to my journey. All the way through this board people have been throwing me a rope and helping me, mostly never knowing how much and I can only aspire to be half as lovely and supportive as some here.
     
    Wow, feeling chatty I guess!
     
    So my advice is trust and post. Believe and visualize yourself in the place you want to be and then backtrack back to one day, one moment at a time and let your sheer strength of self belief start to grow. It's about being the person you were always meant to be as much as it's about not being a smoker anymore and maybe trust in a little magic because it's everywhere. Magic in the deep breaths I can take, and the stamina I now carry. The strength of will and the gentle support I will offer as others did to me.
     
    I will always carry with me the eureka moment of a post by Markus though, no quitter is stronger than another. It's the vigilant quit that survives. This makes sense, the person who is aware of all their addictions and has learnt what that means will keep themselves alert to potential danger times. More than that look the addiction square in the eye and batter it down...
     
    Marti, 1 - Addiction, shush now your got nothing that can make me give up this freedom!!
  22. Still winning
    It's less than a week. I really can't believe it if I'm honest. I remember seeing people reaching this stage and thinking, I won't congratulate them cause I don't even know what to say to such an achievement. If I'm totally straight, I never was sure I'd make it, I wanted the quit desperately but I couldn't equate me to being a non smoker. Now I can and I like that. I think that happened after the holiday triggers were faced down and reinforced after the christmas shopping triggers were faced down too. I bought a rug instead of thinking about smoking lol.
     
    I love the freedom now. I hear of peoples early struggles and really will them through it, I remember the whole thing quite vividly, although not the side effects. If someone says I'm not sleeping I kind of think, oh yeah, that was crappy and it reminds me.
     
    I am excited to celebrate. I had arranged to go to the dentist but I'm going to cancel it and do myself a lovely day of pampering here at home. The 15th is Mothers Day and Chris's birthday so I think we'll go out and celebrate on that day. Maybe I need to book somewhere! It's likely to be busy I guess.
     
    Anyway I'm still building my plans...
  23. Still winning
    I am weirded out by all the smoking dreams. Awake I know I'm not at risk...if only my subconscious would catch up!! Posted and asked for if others felt it.
     
    Awake, I am feeling stronger. Like the quit is strengthening me. I will celebrate my 1 year this time and I will stay quit, because it is different now. I don't actually want to be a smoker, so the other option is non smoker isn't it. Simple really.
     
    Would I smoke if the end of the world was nigh. No, I'd have people to be with and be too busy to waste the time. If I was terminal. No, I would want to feel as well as I could - I felt lousy as a smoker, no breath, no energy, lousy. I smile now because there isn't a situation that could make me want to smoke anymore. It wasn't always so. I was the epitomy of fake it till you make it.
     
    Still no idea on a treat. Maybe I'll save for a holiday I will actually enjoy this time. With the right people.
  24. Still winning

    Isn't it strange

    By Still winning,

    I am 8 months and some change quit. I have a vigilant, supported, hard fought for quit and I genuinely love being a non smoker. I'm not just saying it. I have no desire to be a smoker ever again, I will not be chained, I will not be sick by choice apart from anything I've already done.
     
    I was on holiday, holiday triggers, yep! Got it, fought it!! Screw that, no way. I understand, it's a situation I haven't faced before. I've seen it at parties, in gatherings. When we meet with friends. All done and dusted, I can go out with smokers now and socialise, I don't think about smoking doing that.
     
    Then there's this last couple of weeks and it's just plain odd. It's almost like going back to the rinse and repeat month, except it's different too. Then it was wanna smoke, don't smoke, ok. Wanna smoke, don't smoke, OK. Now it's what the actual F, why am I looking longingly at that person who gets to smoke...oh hold on a minute...doesn't get to smoke, HAS to smoke, I don't want to smoke (really? you really don't?), duh.
     
    That is where I am and I don't understand this one? I feel like someone has delivered me to the wrong party!! Shopping today I looked at people smoking twice and thought man, I can't smoke like they can and felt sad. So to me there's no relapse being planned subconciously or anything I just don't understand why I would feel that when I don't want to smoke?
     
    So I brought myself a nice new rug. In case I'm tempted, I spunked my money on something beautiful, but I don't think I am. I'm a bit confused. Vigilant and aware, but confused.
  25. Still winning
    Tonight won't be "the night" but as close as I can get without kids I think!!
    10,000 cigarettes is close.
    That's utterly mental.
    10,000!!
    I honestly doubted whether "I" could quit. I mean I really thought I was one of those lifers... people told me I was that smoker. Everyone was stunned when I quit. No massive surprise, I could do 2 or 3 packets per day, depending on home or out.
    My biggest surprise is that I feel good to have it done now. Yes I asked the "how long will I feel like this" and did each phase to it's full capacity. That said, less than a year..I'm alright you know. I smoked from young until I was 38 and some change.
    Please can someone post the 10,000 cigarette poster thing for me so I can smile my biggest smile. Absolutely winning, feels amazing. I get some people cruise past landmarks but that's not my way. I'm go big or go home and this inspires me to hold on if I ever were to doubt myself.
    Power of a quitting website ey!! Converts the doubters :) Love to one an all no matter day 1 or forever quit.

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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