3 months and a few days

Goodness my brain has been busy!! It's so different now, the thinking, much easier but still conflicting.

I know for sure I will not smoke, no matter what. 3 Reasons for this.

1 I want to be a non smoker

2 I simply cannot do that withdrawal again, never in all my days would I have called myself an addict, until I realized I was an addict.

3 My fear of smoking now far outweighs my fear of quitting and the random thought neurons I still possess. Reading that back I still run by fear rather than what others say which is you have to not want to smoke more than you want to smoke. Same end game though I think.

My whole life is different from 3 months ago though, and I feel I ought to document that.

-How annoying was smokers cough and how fabulous is life without it! It had been so long I didn't even know how awful it was

-I am no longer controlled by impulses that damage my body

-I really like food! Ironic that I spent that many years eating because I had too but now I eat because it tastes great

-Financially, a weight has been lifted! £300 per month was no small amount to find

-If I want to exercise, I can. No more bright red, I just look normal

-I am building self belief here, I am an advocate of powerful thoughts but now I act in a way that aligns with how I thought

I wish I didn't still have the thoughts of oh I would smoke here, but I do. Where once I felt fear for them, then felt annoyed by them, now I want to smash them into next week. I get angry it still happens, I mean how dare my own brain try and trip me up?! It's my own brain! But I take responsibility that I taught it this is how we work and now I need to re program myself. I continue to do that with reading and watching what smoking does to a person, then imagining that it's me. The horror I feel at someone telling me about Cancerous cells again, or having to tell my children I made myself sick pushes me on where no words ever could or would. I think I will always be scared of the damage I have already done though and that is penance in a way I guess.

So this is how 3 months looks for me. I am ok, much better then I ever thought I would be really, who knew I could actually quit. The thoughts are just thoughts and I have found tools to cope with it. I read with real hope people who say they don't even think about smoking anymore :) Maybe not me though where I have to watch it and breath it 2nd hand every day, maybe I will have to be eternally strong and on guard? I really hope not though.

Still the one comment I made once sticks with me, this is both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done!

But I am free!! There is all kinds of power in this freedom so I will always hold onto it. 3 months and counting.