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Marti's Blog

A blog by Still winning in General

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Entries in this blog

The journey only continued for some...

I've umm'ed and ahh'ed about writing another blog entry, I don't like to be rushed I guess. I thought I was in  a new year and heading for my 4th year quit but on perusing the site, transpires I'm heading for my 5th lol. Smoking is an enigma to me now but those who knew my habit 2+ packs a day for years can't believe I have stayed quit *cough, this site* and new friends can't imagine me as a smoker! The latter is a compliment for sure.   However when I quit it was with two others. My M

The continuation of the journey

It's all about choice. We can create the drama, or not. Create the fear, or not. It really is very simple. As simple as stepping into the life we want and not being chained to the past. The rains may fall and the droughts may happen but we simply move forward step by step when it feels too hard to run. Accept support when it is offered, accept gratitude for what you have and what you have accomplished without ego. Some will travel with you on different parts of the journey but don't be afrai

2 years tomorrow

I don't think at the time I quite understood the guru's ahead of me, when they said quitting is a journey and not an event. I sure as hell get it now. What a ride!!   This time 2 years ago I sat with cigarettes, 16 days worth of champix taken and a deep sense of desperation to not be a smoker - with no idea how to achieve that. I never really realized it was as simple as just not smoking. I don't really know why, it seems glaringly obvious doesn't it?! I could do an oscar worthy speech of who

New life 14 months "ish"

I love to write, it is one of my passions and sometimes, it get's the mental neurons firing and course correcting. That's why there is power on these boards because as we help someone else up, or write down a ton of confusing feelings, or acknowledge that today is hard but yesterday was good, we start to straighten out our thought processes.   Because some of you know but others don't, my life was somewhat complicated 14/15 months ago when I quit smoking. I had many pressures and few answers a

13 is lucky for me

It's so easy here. The quit is a wonderful thing still. It never gets old for me, perhaps because I assumed my family were "smokers" and it's what we did.   Today I joined a gym again, and I do exercise classes, a few of them and I still look like a ribena berry at the end lol, but I'm so much fitter. I take deep breaths all the time. I'm even wondering if I learn a new breathing technique to help and teach others...from an ex smoker!! Of 40 a day, who tried to quit and relapsed at a rapid rat

What a year!!

1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a boar

Hello triggers...it's been a while....

I don't much like my Mum. I feel bad saying that but I don't. She mistreated me in the form of emotional manipulation and bullying, for years, but worse the last year and I am done with her. Toxic as it is, she lives with me waiting to be housed by the coucil/authorities and I am her primary carer as she is disabled. It's one of those situations you look on and shake your head for the poor unfortunates involved.   Move backwards 15 years. I was quit. It had been 364 days when my then fiance an

6 sleeps till 1 year

It's less than a week. I really can't believe it if I'm honest. I remember seeing people reaching this stage and thinking, I won't congratulate them cause I don't even know what to say to such an achievement. If I'm totally straight, I never was sure I'd make it, I wanted the quit desperately but I couldn't equate me to being a non smoker. Now I can and I like that. I think that happened after the holiday triggers were faced down and reinforced after the christmas shopping triggers were faced do

11 sleeps to the big one

I am weirded out by all the smoking dreams. Awake I know I'm not at risk...if only my subconscious would catch up!! Posted and asked for if others felt it.   Awake, I am feeling stronger. Like the quit is strengthening me. I will celebrate my 1 year this time and I will stay quit, because it is different now. I don't actually want to be a smoker, so the other option is non smoker isn't it. Simple really.   Would I smoke if the end of the world was nigh. No, I'd have people to be with and be

12 days to go

Till one year.   Going to bring myself back up now. Can't be sad for long...got a treat to plan no idea what still?   As I come towards this mark in time I can't help but remember where I was a year ago today.   With 12 days till the quit I had already tried patches and been allergic, so by now a year ago I was taking champix, desperate for that "moment" when I knew I could quit. It made me feel so sick, the dreams were mental, I felt like I was beginning to suffer some depression...I knew

13, lucky for some

13 sleeps till one year.   So massively overwhelmed I have no plans at all. The nearest weekend will be mothers day (laughable) and my fella Chris's birthday. It's what you get for quitting near his birthday I guess lol.   I should say, it isn't all bad. Even when life is doing it's thang, I don't want to smoke. I do feel that I should celebrate though, it's been something I've done all the way through and it feels wrong to not do it now. I wonder what others did? Anyone?   I have been thi

Twas the night before 11 months...

I haven't planned a treat!! I did a big celebrational thing for 10,000 not smoked recently but this month feels anti climatic. In a good way I suppose, the quit is a done deal like I said...the cravings are gone...I have a thought and think nah, and carry on with my life.   I am lovin the newbies though. They don't post so much though hey, I think that's kinda sad. I remember with fondness some totally pointless and random posts I put in social when I should have just posted please tell me I

post from 3rd feb on 10K almost not smoked

Tonight won't be "the night" but as close as I can get without kids I think!! 10,000 cigarettes is close. That's utterly mental. 10,000!! I honestly doubted whether "I" could quit. I mean I really thought I was one of those lifers... people told me I was that smoker. Everyone was stunned when I quit. No massive surprise, I could do 2 or 3 packets per day, depending on home or out. My biggest surprise is that I feel good to have it done now. Yes I asked the "how long will I feel like this

I just know

I've had a wine or 5. At times like these I like to write, I find myself more honest when inbetween sober and tipsy.   I'm close to 10K not smoked. I'm marking time waiting for it if I'm honest. I really want to get there and "get er done".   I really have to push myself to think of smoking now. I mean, I can't imagine a scenario that means I would fall off the wagon.   My quit is comfortable now. Not to say I never have a thought, I do, but it never overtakes me anymore. I just know thi

Strength from the quit, or quit from the strength...

Sometimes, we go through things. There is always a reason in my humble opinion.   Every time I hit a milestone, or another 1,000 cigarettes not smoked, I celebrate. No matter what is going on, no matter how I am financially. The reason for this is simple, I believe this freedom was hard fought for. I have often given thanks to friends here, newer and older quits for helping me find my path to finally make this attempt stick. I have had major wobbles, even an SOS back in April and untold swear

Romance is dead...

I am the woman who is always in control. Always leading the charge and I can battle some. Offensive, not defensive. So the romance thoughts always surprise me a little.   What I refer to as my smoking thoughts, have ramped up a little of late. Now that's ok, cause they are pretty small for the most part considering how long, how much and often I smoked, I think I'm pretty lucky overall. My calmer reactions of god I'm surrounded by divs, huff...have been replaced by needing to get away and re

9 month thoughts

It was simply time. I had run out of excuses as to why I couldn't. Tried being every type of smoker and relapsed at a rate that would scare you silly. Every single person in my life wanted me to quit. Some to help them quit too, most because they worried for me. I would smoke 30-40 per day, indoors or out socialising. Every day! My quit is a bit of a non entity to me now. I almost think that can be a bit sad, so I make sure I celebrate myself so I never forget what was for me, a battle that I c

2,000 unsmoked since September! Only December!

On sept 28th, I celebrated not smoking 6,000 cigarettes. Today I am at 8,125!!!   That's a really large amount. I normally like my commitment levels to a cause but in this case, yikes, that's a big number. I see other normal quitters numbers, a lot are nowhere near what I haven't smoked in far more time!! As per usual, I don't know whether to smile or sob at the amount I smoked and therefore haven't smoked now.   This whole month has been odd. It hasn't ended yet (few days off 9 months quit)

Isn't it strange

I am 8 months and some change quit. I have a vigilant, supported, hard fought for quit and I genuinely love being a non smoker. I'm not just saying it. I have no desire to be a smoker ever again, I will not be chained, I will not be sick by choice apart from anything I've already done.   I was on holiday, holiday triggers, yep! Got it, fought it!! Screw that, no way. I understand, it's a situation I haven't faced before. I've seen it at parties, in gatherings. When we meet with friends. All d

Edgy, counting, motivation.

I see a post, what motivated you to quit. I can't answer it there, I'm pretty ashamed. It should have been my beloved uncle's lung cancer but it wasn't (one sister quit then, both his sons still smoke!). It should have been cervical cancer, I chose denial. It could have been my Mums COPD diagnosis, but no. It was my 8 year old baby telling me she was scared and me finally imagining her living my life as a carer to my mum - oh hell no you don't!! It started a quit journey of almost a year (july t

Who am I?

Markus Quote: And so you too will become exactly what you seek if you so choose it. You will lose yourself as you are, and become who you were meant to be, a free person. But, it comes at a price, and we have all had to pay it. You have to leave yourself behind to find yourself anew.   Thank you for the mention of change. Sometimes I doubted it, with all the talk of the same person. For me, no, I am not the same.   Possibly, it's the jet lag, or the OCD of machinery breaking, it's certainly

8 Months today.

8 months seems utterly amazing to me!! This last month has taught me quite a bit about my quit.   I went on the holiday of a lifetime. One of the main factors of me quitting was affording to go to Florida and Disneyworld with my two kids. I think with the holiday being paid for and actually being on holiday it set up some triggers. I was able to use all I had learnt with you guys here to nope through it, in honesty, once recognised it wasn't difficult.   Sadly my Mum didn't do the same. Havi

nearly 8 months

The time span amazes me. I don't think they know me, I can't quit?!   However, my ticker would disagree. You see, I have almost 8 months and a holiday with the funds under my belt! It's proper weird to me!   Let me say this. If I commit to it, it will happen. That's how I smoked for so many years. Also how I choose not to smoke now. Still, my mum has the holiday trigger, I get it but nope. I think they smoke in more places here then at home but nope!   I knew I would have holiday trigge

How did it happen...

I have been sitting wondering why, why did I become a smoker and how. The word that has sprung to mind all through my quit is insidious! I never "meant" to be a smoker. I didn't "choose" it and yet I ended up at an average of 2 packs per day by age 38, from a first cigarette starting point of age 9.   Age 9, I stole a cig from my mums packet. I don't even remember why. My parents were still together, home life was suspicious but I don't know why I did it. I took it to the shed, took some puffs

Thought associations

They are not triggers, nor craves. My quit is secure and my resolve is strong, or at least I believe it is.   However, there are some strange thought associations going on for me. Two of my "quit reasons" were a reiki course and a florida holiday. The holiday is 5 days away and paid for now, my practioner level reiki course was today. My "reasons" to quit are finished and yet not finished and in honesty it's an odd feeling.   Life has been throwing some stressors of late, maybe it's that? It

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