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The journey only continued for some...

I've umm'ed and ahh'ed about writing another blog entry, I don't like to be rushed I guess. I thought I was in  a new year and heading for my 4th year quit but on perusing the site, transpires I'm heading for my 5th lol. Smoking is an enigma to me now but those who knew my habit 2+ packs a day for years can't believe I have stayed quit *cough, this site* and new friends can't imagine me as a smoker! The latter is a compliment for sure.   However when I quit it was with two others. My Mum and my then boyfriend, now just one of my best friends. Both relapsed. Chris, my friend, smokes heavily again and has done for 4 years, no quit in sight. Sadly my Mum damaged herself too heavily and last May, 1 day before her 70th birthday, I stood at her bedside after the awful news she wouldn't make it - to talk her over to the other side. Our relationship had been fairly strained but I'm pleased we had marginally reconnected for a few months before she died of multiple organ failure - drinking and smoking were at the heart of it all, quite literally. I have the most awful memories and photographic evidence of me holding her hand and cuddling in as I was telling her to look for our loved ones...when we should have been preparing for her birthday.    If you have children and are on the fence then please consider that it isn't just you who suffers. Get educated and be real.    The quit itself is effortless now. I remember at times that I would have smoked here and smile that it means absolutely nothing, it simply a memory. My children are level 4 and 5 (red and green belt) at mixed martial arts where I used the money from quitting to put them in a club to train. I should really go to that gym I pay for more, oops, but I can still run faaarrrr better than I ever could as a smoker, even with the gaps in training haha. The quit bought me strength, joy and healthier finances....I have never looked back. I completely retrained myself with a new career and am happily teaching both Reiki healing and Tarot Cards that I trained in.    My point is the quit bought me nothing but good and joy. Those who didn't commit have a painful story attached.    Love to all. Marti. xx

Marti

Marti

 

The continuation of the journey

It's all about choice. We can create the drama, or not. Create the fear, or not. It really is very simple. As simple as stepping into the life we want and not being chained to the past. The rains may fall and the droughts may happen but we simply move forward step by step when it feels too hard to run. Accept support when it is offered, accept gratitude for what you have and what you have accomplished without ego. Some will travel with you on different parts of the journey but don't be afraid to walk alone when it is needed. You are never truly alone anyway, you are a part of the universe, a child of the stars and all the vastness that becomes of this space. It's time dear heart. Own the journey. x

Marti

Marti

 

2 years tomorrow

I don't think at the time I quite understood the guru's ahead of me, when they said quitting is a journey and not an event. I sure as hell get it now. What a ride!!   This time 2 years ago I sat with cigarettes, 16 days worth of champix taken and a deep sense of desperation to not be a smoker - with no idea how to achieve that. I never really realized it was as simple as just not smoking. I don't really know why, it seems glaringly obvious doesn't it?! I could do an oscar worthy speech of who to thank but you know who you are, thank you.   I decided to set a new adventure on the same date as it was so successful for taking my life back 2 years ago. So tomorrow I move to a new house. The timing is not lost on me, the quit gave me the strength to change so many things in my life.   I didn't understand how much smoking controlled every aspect of my life, I feel like I lived a lie for ALL of my adult life. Everything revolved around when I could and couldn't smoke. Not to mention my money situation was in dire straits. I wish we could genuinely convey to fresh quitters the strength this journey will give you. Yes, once upon a time it was "I quit smoking, I can do anything now" but it isn't like that today. Today it isn't like that. I now feel like if I put my mind to it, anything is possible and I am happier for feeling like that and for being free of the ties of nicotine addiction that I really had to finally admit was always going to be part of me.   Not one puff ever or thousands will follow it but I'm good with that now, I'm too busy living and spending with what truly feels like a new found freedom - I don't think it will ever get old for me.   Much love. xx

Marti

Marti

 

New life 14 months "ish"

I love to write, it is one of my passions and sometimes, it get's the mental neurons firing and course correcting. That's why there is power on these boards because as we help someone else up, or write down a ton of confusing feelings, or acknowledge that today is hard but yesterday was good, we start to straighten out our thought processes.   Because some of you know but others don't, my life was somewhat complicated 14/15 months ago when I quit smoking. I had many pressures and few answers and the folk here helped me to quit but also to analyse what was working and what was not. I will be eternally greatful that in hindsight, there were no judgements....of quit techniques which were fairly sketchy or of personality types. This site and the people on it, accepted me for what I was and it meant I kept my quit, for them, when I didn't feel strong enough that moment. A lot is spoken of people who are slightly different and it feels like the world salutes that, apart from if your different is spiritual. Then the world gurns at you and stands back to make sure you are safe! Well I got none of that here and this sensation of being free...combined with safe brought me out of myself. I quit, of course, but I also grew.   I will stop here to thank you for the inner strength I gained through calling you my friends. If you knew how safe I had played my past you would know who I have become is in no small part a revelation. This is not exclusive to me however. You guys and I will support everyone who comes through. Some support is gentle, some is really real, a couple are bordering on crazy but the heart of here is amazing. We all have the same end goal, grow and quit.   I move forward in a new way of being and with new values. And I attribute no small part of that to my quit and having to grow into who I was supposed to be as I often feel we hide behind smoking. But also seeing people here every day, grow into who they were meant to be. It has given me strength to take this journey in tandem with others.   I don't think we just quit smoking, I think we embrace a new way to be, or in actuality, who we were always supposed to be. I think there is strength in the quit from hour 1 to whatever number will be.   So in case you wondered. My life is AMAZING and I attribute that to the support I got here as much as quitting smoking. This may make no sense to you but I felt like I should write somewhere that I am finally happy. I wake in the morning and smile. I go to sleep and smile. I sat saying to my Chris the other day, I feel as if I am free to be myself and I am honestly so happy I might burst. So for anyone who wondered how my story ended...it has just begun :)   Ok I was always going to go deeper then the average bod would - but quitting can be a transformational life tool.   Much love QT'ers. xx

Marti

Marti

 

13 is lucky for me

It's so easy here. The quit is a wonderful thing still. It never gets old for me, perhaps because I assumed my family were "smokers" and it's what we did.   Today I joined a gym again, and I do exercise classes, a few of them and I still look like a ribena berry at the end lol, but I'm so much fitter. I take deep breaths all the time. I'm even wondering if I learn a new breathing technique to help and teach others...from an ex smoker!! Of 40 a day, who tried to quit and relapsed at a rapid rate for over a year but those days are more than done now.   it's pretty magical where I am today. As I walked past a smoker in my local shopping centre I felt a huge level of sympathy. I knew he smoked, I could smell it. I could see the extra lines around his mouth and hear the quick breaths he took. I chose to NOPE through that. My poor mama, as much as we have dramas, she smokes again because of stress. She's terrified of dying and bringing it ever closer.   Today I am very grateful for my freedom and I genuinely thought that. Thank goodness I don't stand in that supermarket queue to buy smokes today, I can buy my new exercise gear and leave.   My new t shirt says I don't sweat, I sparkle :) I love it, it's bright pink!! Everything is so full of life now I don't have to work around smoking anymore. The triggers or craves are pretty non existant. I'm just grateful that time is done and folk helped me hold on.   I have joined a group to provide support and meet ups to healers and spiritual people like me, I start later this year. After my reiki masters in August. And my 2nd computer course. and I signed up for short sewing and gardening courses. I would not have done ANY of this a year ago. I needed the time to be free to smoke. My life may be far from perfect but I love it today! Free to choose whatever I like :)   13 months last week, lucky for me. Love and light to all! x

Marti

Marti

 

What a year!!

1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a board I was depserate, confused, exhausted with trying and failing and assuming, if I'm truthful, that it would all end in dying of smoking eventually! So then when I wrote this I felt like I unearthed some real magic from somewhere I hadn't had access to in myself before:   10pm, March 11 2014: My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too?? Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x   As I waited for the (mixed) responses to come in I lit my last cigarette that I will ever smoke. Answers ranged from "suck it up buttercup" (gee thanks), to "you got this" (do they even know how many failures I have, well no) to "just jump". That last gem stuck with me, I mean there's a nike ad saying just do it isn't there. What would happen if I just jumped!! It's not really me, I am a planner. I was already on champix, had tried patches, mega allergies and fights to get the champix yada yada...I'm a planner :) So what could actually go wrong if I jumped? Now I was really thinking, what about if I jumped and just here on the forum gave people the real me, the stories as they unfolded, utterly unheard of.. I am the queen of repression and hide everything so I look strong, so this was all new. But it felt like the whole journey had to be real and that for the first time, I would let people help me and not be so independent. I tried to light a "final farewell cigarette" the next morning, and couldn't do it. I put it out and mentally dug in.   So I started a really crazy journey. I took a bit from here and a bit from there. Quitting is a journey, not an event. SNOT, grimness, but means smoking is not on the table...if it's not what can I do instead, I spent a lot of time smoking. NOPE not one puff ever...oh thank gods, someone added just for today in little words, forever was far too huge for me, I was struggling minute by minute! No one is more addicted, we are all addicts - no likey! I am not an addict I am a very strong woman...oh, will ya look at that, seems I'm an addict...and then the acceptance, brutal as it was. I visualized a smoke free me, I chanted, I switched from foot to foot shouting nope...I was an all fired nut job haha...but I was a non smoking nutter, so all good. Whyquit imagine if I was one of those who died young, I imagined telling my kids. I read horror stories and sobbed, I got really friggin real about what I was doing to myself and what a selfish tit I'd been.   Then came the deeper understandings. I cried the day I realized I would never have "just one" again. It felt like a grieving moment. I knew it was sick, but it was hard for me. I hated the cravings/triggers, how very dare they try and come for me, I raged, I cried (A LOT) and one godawful night in April some precious folk talked me down off the most horrible emotional ledge, I still cry if I read my own SOS from back then. I felt like I literally was in battle with myself.   In hindsight, I made it much harder for myself than it needed to be. Once I understood that, that I was already a non smoker, there was no fight, there was just day to day (really thank you Stu) then it got easier. As I stopped being scared I wasn't medicating my emotions with nicotine or repression and allowed myself to feel them and not be afraid to go through them, I got stronger. I let the most wonderful man ever talk to me like I was worthwhile as a person, not just the strong one who copes and felt validity in all I felt. I am honest in saying he saved my life, I know some of my strength was borrowed. So then, if I was now real, and free then I needed to test it, so I added exercise and loved that too! I still like burgers far too much but all healthy is too much for now lol.   I had the money to holiday and extend my skills for a potential spiritual business. But more than that, I started to believe if I wanted it and worked at it, I could actually achieve anything, well maybe apart from being an astronaut, that ship sailed I guess but mostly anything else. As I stopped being fake and strong for everyone the fight back around me was immense. As numbers of people tried to "put the lid back on the box" but it was too late. I was proud of who I was and what I had done in my life, but also confident that I was worthwhile and carried a value that few around me had ever given. Some stood with me, some dissapeared and some fought. I still fight but I carry strength and support from a powerful journey. So I do say, if you do the journey the hard way, there's still value in it and all roads lead to rome.   So 1 heartwrenching SOS and 2 serious wobbles where thoughts of my buddy carried me through, I had given my word and I never break a promise. From desperate worries about whether I was even a likable if my own mother was so crazy mean to me were met with adoption from Nancy via chat. A throwaway support line made me stand back up and re commit to my journey. All the way through this board people have been throwing me a rope and helping me, mostly never knowing how much and I can only aspire to be half as lovely and supportive as some here.   Wow, feeling chatty I guess!   So my advice is trust and post. Believe and visualize yourself in the place you want to be and then backtrack back to one day, one moment at a time and let your sheer strength of self belief start to grow. It's about being the person you were always meant to be as much as it's about not being a smoker anymore and maybe trust in a little magic because it's everywhere. Magic in the deep breaths I can take, and the stamina I now carry. The strength of will and the gentle support I will offer as others did to me.   I will always carry with me the eureka moment of a post by Markus though, no quitter is stronger than another. It's the vigilant quit that survives. This makes sense, the person who is aware of all their addictions and has learnt what that means will keep themselves alert to potential danger times. More than that look the addiction square in the eye and batter it down...   Marti, 1 - Addiction, shush now your got nothing that can make me give up this freedom!!

Marti

Marti

 

Hello triggers...it's been a while....

I don't much like my Mum. I feel bad saying that but I don't. She mistreated me in the form of emotional manipulation and bullying, for years, but worse the last year and I am done with her. Toxic as it is, she lives with me waiting to be housed by the coucil/authorities and I am her primary carer as she is disabled. It's one of those situations you look on and shake your head for the poor unfortunates involved.   Move backwards 15 years. I was quit. It had been 364 days when my then fiance announced we weren't happy were we? I said no, that lazy bugger never lifted a finger round the house, we had only moved in together in the dec, now it was the march 6 months off our wedding...things needed changing for sure! He called everything off! I had meant he should hoover or something.... I smoked, a lot...intending to quit the next day, after the weekend, the next week...roll on 14 years....   Yesterday, 3 sleeps till a year...a frikkin year, beating the previous marti record of 364...not even a tremor of wanting to smoke. Oh yeah, some dumb thoughts, but I think dumb stuff all the time and I don't follow all of it through! (some, shhhhh)   I literally can't descrbe the terror at seeing your yes disabled but very pushy, mouthy mother completely lose her faculties. No body functions, no ability to talk or answer, shuddering and shaking...having been seen not 3 hours before she goes to sleep bad and wakes up terrifying! I'm trying to keep the kids in the lounge, speak to the docs on the sly, then call an ambulance and deal with their questions and keep my babies seperate but of course they see some and I can't hide all my emotions...I have another spiritual daughter who can read emotions much like me. So we're all scared from my mum to me to milly...bella at 5 wonders why she can't say goodnight to nan.   For the first time ever my mum goes in an ambulance to hospital alone. I can't go with her but that makes me feel relieved, I'm so ashamed, I didn't want to go, I really don't want her to be ill but I desperately want some space from her. My sisters are abroad or busy, it's now 363 days quit, I keep getting stuck pretending to be ok in hospital to support a woman I have zero respect for and want free from ....   Screw this, I'm going to have a wine or 2 but I almost knew there would be something! I don't know how but I anticipated this test and kept re-assuring myself it was based on previous experience. This sucks donkey balls, but I know that I haven't felt this for months and it's just a trigger.... and I love boats! But what a crappy week for this.

Marti

Marti

 

6 sleeps till 1 year

It's less than a week. I really can't believe it if I'm honest. I remember seeing people reaching this stage and thinking, I won't congratulate them cause I don't even know what to say to such an achievement. If I'm totally straight, I never was sure I'd make it, I wanted the quit desperately but I couldn't equate me to being a non smoker. Now I can and I like that. I think that happened after the holiday triggers were faced down and reinforced after the christmas shopping triggers were faced down too. I bought a rug instead of thinking about smoking lol.   I love the freedom now. I hear of peoples early struggles and really will them through it, I remember the whole thing quite vividly, although not the side effects. If someone says I'm not sleeping I kind of think, oh yeah, that was crappy and it reminds me.   I am excited to celebrate. I had arranged to go to the dentist but I'm going to cancel it and do myself a lovely day of pampering here at home. The 15th is Mothers Day and Chris's birthday so I think we'll go out and celebrate on that day. Maybe I need to book somewhere! It's likely to be busy I guess.   Anyway I'm still building my plans...

Marti

Marti

 

11 sleeps to the big one

I am weirded out by all the smoking dreams. Awake I know I'm not at risk...if only my subconscious would catch up!! Posted and asked for if others felt it.   Awake, I am feeling stronger. Like the quit is strengthening me. I will celebrate my 1 year this time and I will stay quit, because it is different now. I don't actually want to be a smoker, so the other option is non smoker isn't it. Simple really.   Would I smoke if the end of the world was nigh. No, I'd have people to be with and be too busy to waste the time. If I was terminal. No, I would want to feel as well as I could - I felt lousy as a smoker, no breath, no energy, lousy. I smile now because there isn't a situation that could make me want to smoke anymore. It wasn't always so. I was the epitomy of fake it till you make it.   Still no idea on a treat. Maybe I'll save for a holiday I will actually enjoy this time. With the right people.

Marti

Marti

 

12 days to go

Till one year.   Going to bring myself back up now. Can't be sad for long...got a treat to plan no idea what still?   As I come towards this mark in time I can't help but remember where I was a year ago today.   With 12 days till the quit I had already tried patches and been allergic, so by now a year ago I was taking champix, desperate for that "moment" when I knew I could quit. It made me feel so sick, the dreams were mental, I felt like I was beginning to suffer some depression...I knew I would follow it through waiting for that elusive quit...it must be somewhere right. I had done a healing course, I knew it was time. I just honestly had no idea how it actually worked...how did one simply not smoke again? I'd been relapsing since the previous July, quit, fail, quit smoke. It had been a joke.   What made the difference 11 days on is finding a tribe to support me. The strange thing is I went in hard with the supporting others, day 2, I gave every sad story to help others and knew I'd found my feet in a quit and my place in a support circle. Probably the first time if I'm honest, that I'd ever actually allowed anybody to support me. I am massively independant and self sufficient. It felt odd to be so confused and weak but good to know others would hold me up when I needed and virtual hi five every ok day and celebration.   It's why the celebrations are so big to me.   So 12 sleeps to go until my 1 year celebration.

Marti

Marti

 

13, lucky for some

13 sleeps till one year.   So massively overwhelmed I have no plans at all. The nearest weekend will be mothers day (laughable) and my fella Chris's birthday. It's what you get for quitting near his birthday I guess lol.   I should say, it isn't all bad. Even when life is doing it's thang, I don't want to smoke. I do feel that I should celebrate though, it's been something I've done all the way through and it feels wrong to not do it now. I wonder what others did? Anyone?   I have been thinking. To experience true joy (nb, chronic overthinker starts here), you need to have experienced the depths of despair...I likened it to smoker and non smoker earlier without even meaning to. Only an ex smoker, could fully comprehend the quit process. I really really did not want to smoke anymore, in honesty with almost every cigarette towards the end I was wondering why I was doing...while also believing it was impossible to quit, that some of us were more detined to be addicted.   So almost a year...what to do. And much love to my crew, you are my rocks at times without even knowing it. Here I am safe to be me, have a giggle and generally be ok...and stay quit :)   13 sleeps.

Marti

Marti

 

Twas the night before 11 months...

I haven't planned a treat!! I did a big celebrational thing for 10,000 not smoked recently but this month feels anti climatic. In a good way I suppose, the quit is a done deal like I said...the cravings are gone...I have a thought and think nah, and carry on with my life.   I am lovin the newbies though. They don't post so much though hey, I think that's kinda sad. I remember with fondness some totally pointless and random posts I put in social when I should have just posted please tell me I will be ok :) Although I do really like the daisy perfume thing i was recommended and I'm fairly hopeful my cruddy menopausal (how mean, just after I quit too) skin will benefit from sharons obsession with pricey make up haha.   Perhaps I'm just a bit jaded for now. Youngest is poorly, so am I. I really want to say to my insane mother "oh your crazy is showing, might wanna tuck that in again" but I know I have to be the bigger person. I say this because at 364 day quit 14 years ago, I used an emotional situation to career off the quit wagon and I haven't forgotten. In honesty months 8/9 ish I worried about it, I mean life was getting tough...jeez, what if it happened again. Now I know it won't and I'm quite relieved to be honest. Relieved that I'm sure I mean.   So 11 months.... I wish a lot of things were different in my life. The quit is not one of them thank goodness. The quit gave me the kick I needed for self respect and to stop burying my head in the emotional sand and I will be forever grateful to all who helped me. Ultimately I have gained so many parts of my life back, most of which I never suspected.   I don't miss the emotional tears from nowhere. I don't miss the doubts of whether a smoker like me could even pull this off when so many made "there there" noises to me. I don't miss the wondering what to do next or thinking I will have a smoke then do xyz...oh I don't smoke. I don't miss getting in the car and having a moment. I don't miss the sad feeling I got when I finally connected that smoking was a cycle and I could never do that again, like it was some psychotic best buddy. I don't miss the false thinking that smoking calmed me...   I quit for financial reasons, that's what makes me laugh. I quit so I could go to Florida with my kids, which turned into the biggest nightmare holiday ever with my crazy mother. The money is good, don't get me wrong. The pride I feel is EPIC and I didn't see that coming.   So maybe for 11 months I can just "be" and not celebrate really. Just enjoy who I am. Who I was always meant to be!! Before smoking took the biggest part of me and made me some crazy addict who did nothing lest it took up smoking time. I really like who I am now ya know, even if not everyone agrees. That's ok. That is my celebration i think...that I am the best Marti I can be today and I am smoke free. Still inspiring others to quit. Still healing people as I was always meant to and a deeper and more spiritual connection to my life than I could have ever imagined.   I shall call this quit a good quit :)   Love to all.   x

Marti

Marti

 

post from 3rd feb on 10K almost not smoked

Tonight won't be "the night" but as close as I can get without kids I think!! 10,000 cigarettes is close. That's utterly mental. 10,000!! I honestly doubted whether "I" could quit. I mean I really thought I was one of those lifers... people told me I was that smoker. Everyone was stunned when I quit. No massive surprise, I could do 2 or 3 packets per day, depending on home or out. My biggest surprise is that I feel good to have it done now. Yes I asked the "how long will I feel like this" and did each phase to it's full capacity. That said, less than a year..I'm alright you know. I smoked from young until I was 38 and some change. Please can someone post the 10,000 cigarette poster thing for me so I can smile my biggest smile. Absolutely winning, feels amazing. I get some people cruise past landmarks but that's not my way. I'm go big or go home and this inspires me to hold on if I ever were to doubt myself. Power of a quitting website ey!! Converts the doubters :) Love to one an all no matter day 1 or forever quit.

Marti

Marti

 

I just know

I've had a wine or 5. At times like these I like to write, I find myself more honest when inbetween sober and tipsy.   I'm close to 10K not smoked. I'm marking time waiting for it if I'm honest. I really want to get there and "get er done".   I really have to push myself to think of smoking now. I mean, I can't imagine a scenario that means I would fall off the wagon.   My quit is comfortable now. Not to say I never have a thought, I do, but it never overtakes me anymore. I just know this quit is safe. Ipay it forward, for sure, but I choose to do that as much as I choose to not smoke. Reading a newby journal (thanks oneistoo) has cemented where I am, as has my quit buddy hitting a year and messaging me saying "I fell off last night" as a joke to highlight my previous faux pas. That is what I did, 364 days and boom, carnage. Never again! I am stronger than all of that.   I will stay quit cause I choose that. I will choose freedom from toxic people because I choose that too. I will fight for who I am because actually, I know that now and that makes me smile. Do you know I am raising strong independant and powerful women...and I'm not sure I even knew I was to lead by example, but it's all good...I am!   I weirdly find that I can do whatever is needed and I can do it smoke free. My newest Jen was surprised my situation didn't cause a crave but it really doesn't. No matter what my life throws at me I choose the freedom from nicotine. It's not even an option anymore, it has been a done deal for a while.   It feels good to finally write...my quit is properly done. Just here making up the numbers now :)

Marti

Marti

 

Strength from the quit, or quit from the strength...

Sometimes, we go through things. There is always a reason in my humble opinion.   Every time I hit a milestone, or another 1,000 cigarettes not smoked, I celebrate. No matter what is going on, no matter how I am financially. The reason for this is simple, I believe this freedom was hard fought for. I have often given thanks to friends here, newer and older quits for helping me find my path to finally make this attempt stick. I have had major wobbles, even an SOS back in April and untold swearing ...enough to worry people which does bring a smile to my face.   I have been struggling of late. Not with the quit itself, I am good not smoking. My fight is with fear, fear of relapse as I get ever closer to my previous world quit record and the stress around me intensifies. Although the scenarios are different the message is the same, same timings, different stress...but still ...fear is not always rational is it.   I started to wonder, did I always have the strength to quit, or did I get this re-newed strength to stay quit with each day, or sometimes hour/minute that passed? I decided about half hour ago, as I read two totally different things here that solidified my quit and my strength again ...the strength I feel in myself, is as a result of the quit.   Sometimes we forget. Early days I don't think we even know it could be a benefit, so caught up are we in simply getting through what we feel then. So this is my message to myself in a way and to honour a fabulous guy who said write down why you will always stay quit. There can be no weak moments in this health and wealth roulette.   Don't ever forget the gift of being free. A gift we unknowingly gave away, with no idea of the life we were signing up for. Don't forget the mental battles. Remember the vigilant quit survives, it's not about being less addicted or even a stronger person...it's about understanding we face an addiction which can lay dormant if we simply follow NOPE. The pride you feel when you tell someone you've quit, even if they don't understand quite what that means.   So for 9,000 not smoked, I bought myself some new oracle cards (similar to tarot). They are magnificent, angel ones and fairy ones, so beautiful... like my quit :)

Marti

Marti

 

Romance is dead...

I am the woman who is always in control. Always leading the charge and I can battle some. Offensive, not defensive. So the romance thoughts always surprise me a little.   What I refer to as my smoking thoughts, have ramped up a little of late. Now that's ok, cause they are pretty small for the most part considering how long, how much and often I smoked, I think I'm pretty lucky overall. My calmer reactions of god I'm surrounded by divs, huff...have been replaced by needing to get away and regroup though. My emotions are not very even although better then they were a month ago. I have been doing a lot of reiki, meditation and yoga...but I'm not there yet.   I have been thinking about my thoughts (don't ask, yes I overthink lol)... I have so many dumb thoughts!! Last night I thought drinking a bottle of wine was a fab plan...this morning, I don't agree. Stuff like that, nothing bad, just dumb. When someone told me I needed them today (pfft) I thought about smoking ...whassat then?? Of course I didn't, duh, I'm a non smoker and it didn't last, or grab me like a crave or anything sinister...it was just there. I said I don't think so and off it went into the brain ether again, but it's a bit weird.   So I'm reminding myself again that romance is pretty dead. I do not smoke and I look suspiciously on people that bring me flowers...and I'd rather a plant anyway cause it always feels a little mean to kill the flower...but they do look beautiful.   So this is just me remembering. The phoenix has to go into and through the flames to be born again into a new and better phoenix. I think my battle cry for this month will be "once more into the flames" and I will just accept the feelings and let them flow straight through me. I feel better having got it out of my head and into something I can read.

Marti

Marti

 

9 month thoughts

It was simply time. I had run out of excuses as to why I couldn't. Tried being every type of smoker and relapsed at a rate that would scare you silly. Every single person in my life wanted me to quit. Some to help them quit too, most because they worried for me. I would smoke 30-40 per day, indoors or out socialising. Every day! My quit is a bit of a non entity to me now. I almost think that can be a bit sad, so I make sure I celebrate myself so I never forget what was for me, a battle that I continue to win. New hairdo for me later today :)   I never forget - My chest hurt, I was often ill with the kids, bugs from school and such. My cough was terrifying, but not to me then. I couldn't really laugh too much, it made me cough. I simply can't believe that I accepted all of that and didn't fight sooner? I still worry about my previous world record of quitting smoking at 364 days when I relapsed through emotional drama. Jeez, what a numpty!   Now, I miss having a crutch. Yes it was smoking, but by my choice, not any more. I work out a lot and I am still learning new things daily and planning more training. I would have laughed at you even 6 months ago if you told me the way I would manage my stress and mood levels would be yoga or pilates...yet I do them most days now and do genuinely benefit!! I can see me having an alternatively type of career that I would not have had the confidence for, but I am perhaps not as close as I hoped I was ...but that's ok, I trust I can get there, when it's the right time :)   So 9 months for me is more an ongoing journey of self discovery but it isn't the crave/trigger infested times of days gone by and I am forever greatful that ended and I was able to trust other folks here that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I won't lie, thoughts do pop in my head, sometimes they feel like they "take hold" a little and I need support to get them gone - but I have that support, so I'm pretty lucky. Health wise, I feel good overall. I am in good health and recover from every illness quicker, but that took me 4/5 months to get too - so I am noticing it now. I am much stronger, faster and far more emotionally resiliant too. I grew in ways I never could have anticipated.   Now I am just going to continue with my vigilance and try and simplify more of my life. I really want a peaceful life, as much as I can and thanks to my quit I feel justified to pursue things that make me feel good.

Marti

Marti

 

2,000 unsmoked since September! Only December!

On sept 28th, I celebrated not smoking 6,000 cigarettes. Today I am at 8,125!!!   That's a really large amount. I normally like my commitment levels to a cause but in this case, yikes, that's a big number. I see other normal quitters numbers, a lot are nowhere near what I haven't smoked in far more time!! As per usual, I don't know whether to smile or sob at the amount I smoked and therefore haven't smoked now.   This whole month has been odd. It hasn't ended yet (few days off 9 months quit) but I'm sure now that there is a message somewhere in this feeling. Or put another way, this is part of the bigger quit journey. I'm ok with learning, I want to win this battle so going through anything is not a problem. It's not bad like the earlier quit, just weird thoughts that pop out of nowhere and then dissapear again.   Overall, I am really happy to have not smoked over 8,000 cigarettes as that number is obscene!!

Marti

Marti

 

Isn't it strange

I am 8 months and some change quit. I have a vigilant, supported, hard fought for quit and I genuinely love being a non smoker. I'm not just saying it. I have no desire to be a smoker ever again, I will not be chained, I will not be sick by choice apart from anything I've already done.   I was on holiday, holiday triggers, yep! Got it, fought it!! Screw that, no way. I understand, it's a situation I haven't faced before. I've seen it at parties, in gatherings. When we meet with friends. All done and dusted, I can go out with smokers now and socialise, I don't think about smoking doing that.   Then there's this last couple of weeks and it's just plain odd. It's almost like going back to the rinse and repeat month, except it's different too. Then it was wanna smoke, don't smoke, ok. Wanna smoke, don't smoke, OK. Now it's what the actual F, why am I looking longingly at that person who gets to smoke...oh hold on a minute...doesn't get to smoke, HAS to smoke, I don't want to smoke (really? you really don't?), duh.   That is where I am and I don't understand this one? I feel like someone has delivered me to the wrong party!! Shopping today I looked at people smoking twice and thought man, I can't smoke like they can and felt sad. So to me there's no relapse being planned subconciously or anything I just don't understand why I would feel that when I don't want to smoke?   So I brought myself a nice new rug. In case I'm tempted, I spunked my money on something beautiful, but I don't think I am. I'm a bit confused. Vigilant and aware, but confused.

Marti

Marti

 

Edgy, counting, motivation.

I see a post, what motivated you to quit. I can't answer it there, I'm pretty ashamed. It should have been my beloved uncle's lung cancer but it wasn't (one sister quit then, both his sons still smoke!). It should have been cervical cancer, I chose denial. It could have been my Mums COPD diagnosis, but no. It was my 8 year old baby telling me she was scared and me finally imagining her living my life as a carer to my mum - oh hell no you don't!! It started a quit journey of almost a year (july to march) of relapses and varying smoking types, ie social, weekend, evening etc.   Counting - I simply hate the winter. The cold does nothing for me, why on earth did I get born in england and why do I love it so much I never chose to leave. Meh! So I am counting!! 27 days to winter solstice . 31 days to christmas for the babies. 64 days to my daughters 5th birthday and my quit buddies 1 year anniversary. It's how I make it through winter, to focus on the next things that will be wonderful...I count my way through the season.   Edgy, I would love this to mean my fashion sense!! Nope, I am on edge. Life is doing it's tricky thing.   There are a ton of good things happening. The rational part of me reminds myself of this. There is some utter tripe going down too. I keep looking to the quit as the problem but if I'm honest, it's not. The quit has been safe and secure this time from the word go - the problem is I let my mind travel when I get upset and I'm getting upset more often due to circumstance. I'm writing this down so it comes out of my head. It has already done what it needed to do as I can read lots of things get on my nerves.   I am well, my plans are healthy and focused. I am just a bit jumpy I guess. Yeah, edgy.

Marti

Marti

 

Who am I?

Markus Quote: And so you too will become exactly what you seek if you so choose it. You will lose yourself as you are, and become who you were meant to be, a free person. But, it comes at a price, and we have all had to pay it. You have to leave yourself behind to find yourself anew.   Thank you for the mention of change. Sometimes I doubted it, with all the talk of the same person. For me, no, I am not the same.   Possibly, it's the jet lag, or the OCD of machinery breaking, it's certainly making me feel jaded to life the no washing machine or dishwasher (how unfair for both to screw up together).   The strange thing though, it makes me think how did I quit smoking...I chose a new way to be!! I read what folks were posting and thought, I want that, I can be that, and didn't light another cigarette that I was able to smoke!! I did light one but decided no, this was my quit day and put it out :) How mad is that!! I keep a lighter to light my candle but not a cigarette. That sh*t harms you and I don't want to die like I've seen around me! Lung cancer hurts, you grind your teeth and they disintergrate! Wow, that looks bad. COPD and heart failure, I live with these and it hurts my soul.   I will fight!! I won't show my girls this!! I am pleased to have others who will fight with me so thank you.   If you ever wonder is it worth it, this battle...then yes it is. I grew up watching people suffer and I draw the line here with you guys. I only wish we could influence more people.   x

Marti

Marti

 

8 Months today.

8 months seems utterly amazing to me!! This last month has taught me quite a bit about my quit.   I went on the holiday of a lifetime. One of the main factors of me quitting was affording to go to Florida and Disneyworld with my two kids. I think with the holiday being paid for and actually being on holiday it set up some triggers. I was able to use all I had learnt with you guys here to nope through it, in honesty, once recognised it wasn't difficult.   Sadly my Mum didn't do the same. Having already smoked a couple of times prior to the holiday, she purchased cigs at the airport (unknown to me at the time) and smoked here and there through the holiday. Once busted the usual aggressive behavior, both of her and of all smokers commenced. She spent the whole holiday creating stressful scenarios so she had an excuse to smoke I believe (I'm sure she thinks differently). Be eternally vigilant, there is no need to go backwards!!!   Whilst that's sad, I said from the word go on this quit that my quit stood alone from everyone else around me. If anything it re-inforced my decision cause oh my goodness, the mood swings from the withdrawal were fairly epic to watch. I had forgotten what's it like when you get to that desperate to have a cig time but aren't able to. I also realized last month how many quit symptoms I had and had forgotten about. Isn't the human brain a wonderful tool! It almost feels like I never smoked at all to me. I was genuinely surprised to get triggers as most days, my only smoking thoughts are about celebrations here and the like.   Last month I needed talking down from a couple of days romancing. This month on holiday for fleeting seconds I got some smokers envy but I mean seconds before my rational brain took back over and it was easy to nope from.   And I met Bakons :) Was great to meet up and chat like we'd all been mates forever!   So despite concerns I had that once my main reason was over(the hols) that my quit might feel harder, it doesn't. I love that I had so much saved that I came home to a healthy bank account and additional savings ready for christmas purchases :) I also had the money to pay for all my healing courses and now the insurance so I can be fully registered and start offering reiki healing for a fee. Work commences on now getting my tarot reading registered and actually, I still have some work to do for that so maybe a few months. But all is looking on target for a spiritual business to look forward to. Something that may sound odd to some, but was always a part of me and part of me yearned to do it without ever believing I really could.   The quit and my self belief have spurred me on in many unforseen ways :) So today I am 8 months free of nicotine but feeling more positive and focused. More regulated and solid in my quit. Ready to go back to my new love of excersicing now I'm back home, maybe join a gym with my spare money? Gonna get christmas paid for and some new furniture first though. So lovely to breath nicely and not be permanantly poor and watching the pennies!!

Marti

Marti

 

nearly 8 months

The time span amazes me. I don't think they know me, I can't quit?!   However, my ticker would disagree. You see, I have almost 8 months and a holiday with the funds under my belt! It's proper weird to me!   Let me say this. If I commit to it, it will happen. That's how I smoked for so many years. Also how I choose not to smoke now. Still, my mum has the holiday trigger, I get it but nope. I think they smoke in more places here then at home but nope!   I knew I would have holiday triggers but am still surprised because my quit feels like home to me already. So I nope again, it's ok to reinforce that but kinda surprising.   8 months on the horizon :) bring it! No price on my freedom!

Marti

Marti

 

How did it happen...

I have been sitting wondering why, why did I become a smoker and how. The word that has sprung to mind all through my quit is insidious! I never "meant" to be a smoker. I didn't "choose" it and yet I ended up at an average of 2 packs per day by age 38, from a first cigarette starting point of age 9.   Age 9, I stole a cig from my mums packet. I don't even remember why. My parents were still together, home life was suspicious but I don't know why I did it. I took it to the shed, took some puffs and it was terrible! I remember deep wracking coughs and extreme dizziness. I put it out and went back to that same cig, relighting it on and off. Occassionally stealing the next one but nothing consistent.   By age 12 I was smoking one a day. After school in my bedroom (the whole house always reeked of smoke from my Mum). We had not long returned from living abroad, I had not smoked in Australia for the 6 months. I think I can pinpoint THIS as the time I became addicted. I had heard from my parents that they "needed" a cig, I associated it with being a grown up and stress relief. My parents had split whilst we were abroad. I now understand my dopamine pathways were reliant on nicotine to reset it's flight or flight path. While I was still a baby really, my brain had started to build in smoking as a coping mechanism, I had bought into the hype at such a tender age. Even on that one a day I could feel the difference if I was late home to smoke.   Age 13 I dated a guy who smoked. I was a malboro red smoker. They still made me cough. Every time we would meet up I would smoke between 5 and 10 in a day. At some point of this year I started to take my cigs into school and smoke in the breaks, I did this alone, none of my school friends smoked! Let's be clear here, my addiction was fully fledged now. I honestly didn't realize or have any knowledge of nicotine as an addiction. Most of the adults in my life smoked, except my Dad who had quit. They all knew I smoked, no one tried to stop me or explain any bad things that could happen. By now my brain would have needed nicotine anyway. That relief sensation that I believed was given by nicotine was simply my pathways receiving the nicotine they had been trained to believe they needed now. My whole brain had re-wired itself to dispose of the chemicals and nicotine. I started a little baby cough. Especially if I laughed and on waking.   Age 15 I moved school. Fell in with other smokers/kids who skipped school and it spiraled from there. I still did well enough at school despite often being out and about. Smoking was socially acceptable, the only person not smoking was my Dad and he had started to whinge. I believed I chose to smoke, after all I never did anything I didn't want to!   Age 24 I needed to quit. I wanted to buy a house and my then fella quit. He told me he didn't expect me to be able to quit - pfft - I quit because I insisted on proving I could if I wanted. Man that was hard!! Started to educate myself on the damage I had done from a similar type of forum but internet was still pretty new and they cancelled the server at work before my quit had "set". We split up a year later, 6 months from my wedding date. It was a shock! I went to buy cigs to light in front of the wardrobe that held his clothes. I got an ashtray (I kept for visitors) lit the cig without inhaling and set it in the ashtray with the wardrobe doors open and sat beside it to wait for the smell to get strong, the smell took me over and I picked it up and smoked it whilst blowing the smoke onto the clothes. This is the story I have always told myself but now I will re-write it! I did not have a 364 day quit, I had simply abstained! The act of buying cigs would be enough now to have me screaming "junkie thinking" and of course deep down I know I would always have smoked that cigarette. In truth, that quit related to being with someone and from the moment that changed I took myself on a misguided path back to being a smoker. That lasted 14 years!   Age 39 So today I have a 7 month quit. I wonder why I get thought associations at times but still feel cautiously (eternal vigilance) safe in my quit. So today I understand that I chose this quit for me and my girls. I chose for the girls first off but at some point that changed to me. I don't miss anything about smoking, even when my addicted now re-wired brain tells me I could or should be a smoker in this scenario. I fully understand my addiction could be re-awakened if I were ever crazy enough to pick up and inhale or use nicotine again in any format and I choose not to do that.   I can never completely undo the damage I did. That is my penance for stupidity and lack of education but it is no excuse from now and hasn't been for some time. I will protect my brain by understanding the associations and why they happen and my body will be protected by a nope philosophy that I will need to engage for my whole life. Thank you brain for trying so desperately to cope and rewire to enable the damage but we are ok to move on now, when you're ready.

Marti

Marti

 

Thought associations

They are not triggers, nor craves. My quit is secure and my resolve is strong, or at least I believe it is.   However, there are some strange thought associations going on for me. Two of my "quit reasons" were a reiki course and a florida holiday. The holiday is 5 days away and paid for now, my practioner level reiki course was today. My "reasons" to quit are finished and yet not finished and in honesty it's an odd feeling.   Life has been throwing some stressors of late, maybe it's that? It's certainly nothing like quitting was, I feelI'm well past all the nasty thinking and batting back etc...but these thoughts are roaming around my head, I close them down and they pop up again.   It's odd?   Just recording it really. Strange sensation of my purpose to quit is done, but it's not. I can now be a channel to heal people and I do that through my hands...which if I smoked would smell! Or at least that was my thought when I quit, but it still would.   Hmmm, odd times but I do feel fine and ok in my quit, just random thoughts?

Marti

Marti

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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