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Death In The West - The Marlboro Story (Full Documentary)

Still winning

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  1. Still winning
    Normally in my dream I say no to smoking. Last night I didn't see me smoke it but I put one smoked all the way through out in an ashtray for my sister to say at that point, hey I thought you gave up. I looked at her and looked at the fag butt and started crying as I hadn't meant to smoke.... woke myself up actually crying.
     
    Our brains are crazy things and I did calm when I realized it wasn't real.
     
    Intense way of reminding myself I do not want to be a smoker and relapse would devastate me. I wonder if this is why we have these dreams as our subconscious way of saying - hey, you don't want to do that. Food for thought.
  2. Still winning

    Annoying me

    By Still winning,

    2 months, let's celebrate...or get annoyed?! I have just sworn an awful lot on a curse thread, I feel justified...I wonder whether I am.
     
    Simply put I think everyone is being an idiot right about now. I am assured by my sister, I am as bad...I can't see it. Which is nice actually, I like to be right and I really think it's all of them. Blinking emotions are being somewhat tricky again but it's probably ok, I can't decide whose lights I would punch out first anyway - and of course I realize this isn't what nice people do.
     
    I am emotional and annoyed.
     
    Arguments no longer trigger me though, that's positive.
     
    Emotions and reject imbeciles still trigger me!!
     
    But you just don't...i read that somewhere and it stuck with me :) I won't/can't/shouldn't/mustn't and yada yada, I'm a non smoker.
     
    I'm a very frikking annoyed non smoker, listening to a very annoying maternal type sparking up.
     
    Why can't I be one of those hippy spiritual types who go on retreats and wear flowing clothes?! Actually flowing clothes would be real useful haha. That's broken my mood...I shoulda been a hippy but instead I'm a fitted jeans kinda spiritual. Meh. Onwards and upwards depite the annoying ignoramus types around here! Donuts (abridged version).
     
    But Amy quit today and apparently so did Trish...that is all kinds of fabulous in my book. Today has some true highlights.
  3. Still winning
    My emotions are still up and down like a yo yo. I have smoked since I was 13 years old. My first cigarette was age 9! I am now 38, never in all my adult years have I "coped" as a non smoker. I did quit for 364 days, but I was massively protected in that time and the first real drama, I smoked again. So I will forgive myself that sometimes I don't know how to/who to be?
     
    I feel like a child sometimes! I am now learning how to deal with my emotions. Ironically, I am teaching my 8 and 4 year old daughters how to do the same haha. I get really sad, really down but then I come bouncing back up. I will learn without smoking how to do this, how to be calm.
     
    So the triggers are now easier but there. Only being around smokers is harder, but still, I can manage that in a dismissive way by putting my thought process together and remember one cigarette goes with 30 a day and that is DONE! However, I would be a liar if I said it didn't still exist, but it's ok and easier week by week I honestly think.
     
    The emotions -truly a work of art/work in progress?!
  4. Still winning
    Is it exercise? Or the weight loss this week? Or the conversations? Or just time? Or that mad ass crave where I lost my emotional load last week?
     
    I feel ok, like someone released my happy valve to just be ok again. I'm even planning on some intention work next week which I haven't been clear enough really to do since before I quit, my concentration was too sketchy. Scheduled in exercise, practice runs of things I want to do, that's massive for me!! I could do it now I think but don't want to push too hard, feel scared I might go backwards and really don't want that.
     
    I still think about not smoking, never about wanting to smoke. Just that I would and I don't and some days that shizzle is on a long ass loop and some days it's not now, but I'm ok, it's just there on repeat play, trucking along in the background. Rather then the full on no smoking show that was at the forefront of my mind so often, not bad, just there.
     
    It's me so I'm going to wonder what it is that caused a change. Perhaps I will post to ask. Perhaps not. I like that I feel good today, I like that I felt good yesterday, I like being ok and a non smoker, I LOVE THAT!
  5. Still winning
    My quit makes me proud. I do believe anyone can quit and that every quit will be different. I believe if you educate yourself enough about the harm smoking causes you will find it tougher to do that to yourself again. I believe that smoking and craving 20, 30, 60 times a day is honestly harder than saying no more, not today and getting past the points where it feels hard.
     
    For all the tough days whilst quitting and finding my new personality post being a smoker, what sticks with me is I did it and it fills me with hope for what I can achieve now! My new personality is less tolerant and actually, I am now genuinely happy about that. I have ditched toxic people because my self worth and self value is higher. I have stopped being as afraid of people seeing the parts of me that before I would rather hide. I stand at 4 months plus quit saying, this is what I am and I'm ok if it's not for you.
     
    I read all the stories, the mine was easy, I just said nope...damn, mine was occasionally tough as old boots. One day I spent 3 hours of my life staring at a packet of cigs and crying whilst posting what was probably utter tripe! The surprise for me if I'm honest was how many days felt like a wonderful free fall to a smoke free life between that!! It's like if I had a tough day, one or two easy and beautiful days would follow, that kept me sane :)
     
    I see people doing the first and second week and think - I am so pleased I held on through that. It was really damn hard and it felt like it took all I had, all of my being to simply not smoke.
     
    I see people hitting one month and think oh, no mans land - I am so pleased I held on through that. It was a different kind of mental draining, not physical anymore, nowhere near as tough. But when the flashes of craves came, they were such a surprise it took me by storm. I considered falling off a couple of times! Held on because I could, sheer bloody minded ness :)
     
    I saw all the 3's that people said about. 3 is also my favourite number, I didn't really believe 3 could do me in but it did give me a couple of knocks. I passed through it with sheer bloody mindedness that time too. I think I favour 7 now :)
     
    I just responded to an SOS that made ME think. My SOS, that gut wrenching why would this happen to me was utterly uncalled for!! It was very awful (insert own swear words). I am so incredibly thankful i got talked down.
     
    Know what I thought today - I didn't paint my toenails and I'm wearing flip flops - I do wash and keep myself nice, I wonder if people are judging me and I genuinely laughed. The other thing I thought after answering an sos is I'm so pleased I don't have to find time to smoke now, my house is so much cleaner.
     
    I don't smoke, I can think of all manner of random stuff now!!
     
    Have I mentioned I'm proud but more than that, I'm at peace and a non smoker, the feeling is priceless :)
  6. Still winning

    Exercise?

    By Still winning,

    Still feeling lethargic, not sleeping well due to stress. Perhaps exercise is the answer. It's not like I'm not getting a tad porky now anyway and I could probably use the help. No more excuses, the housework can wait...death and i have an early appointment this morning. I will feel positive and energised one way or another.
  7. Still winning
    I have found some nice chirpy lady on fitness tv who does yoga and says ass a lot. She's pretty real, I like her honesty, yes thank you my lovely, if I am working I want it to count, especially in the region you propose needs fixing. I'm not beyond asking for assistance and believe you when you say this will work. So Monday mornings are sorted.
     
    Having eliminated belly dancing, walking, running, bike riding and sex for various reasons, I have today discovered beach body. I mean I don't have a beach body, obviously, my bod is extending over and above yoga pants, god only knows what would occurif I put a bikini on! Waif like bimbo birds assure me I will have a "hot" "beach body" in no time if I follow their plan. you two lovely bimbettes have just won my tuesday afternoon when the ex has the kids for access visits.
     
    So i have Friday morning left and need something else. Cardio or dancing thoughts are in my head. But first I must check if I have all the stuff required for the achy legs I already possess cause ow!
     
    I am feeling happy and chirpy. Life is alright today. Tomorrow morning is not looking hopeful (on feeling alright, i think these legs will hurt) so I will enjoy today. Exercise this week and start regrouping on the work front next week I think. Time to get my slightly larger butt off of the I don't smoke program and back into the really real world where life just goes on.
  8. Still winning
    I spent the weekend walking and pub crawling. Kept meeting up with smoking friends and would think awww for a second, then remember everything that comes with it and I was ok again. Strange sensations. Done a lot more exercise then I've done in years over the week, didn't ache so don't think I'm doing enough but pleased my fitness level is still ok to not ache and ready to ramp it up this week. So that's all good. Fella had that whole body crave thing on Sat night, wow that's horrendous to watch and pants to be on the recieivng end of the temper, but great, it's done and we are ok.
     
    BUT, about weight! Yes I know there are bigger problems in the world but really, I'm over a stone heavier. I know it's vain and I should be all "oh I quit smoking yay" but that's not me. I don't make a big deal of it but I overly care what I look like. I am the one with the boob job and capped teeth across the front of my mouth cause I wasn't happy. I have managed my weight since my first child, refusing to be that mum who didn't lose it. I don't know what to do and am covering up the fact this is awful for me, looking in the mirror right now is awful and I do care. I won't smoke but jeez. Over a month of my skin itching like it's on fire and my skin is awful and now I'm a fat lardee bloater too. Am going to try and up the intensity of the workouts and cut out more foods. I have a wedding to attend at the end of the month and I will look dreadful :( Just needed to write it down somewhere I think that I'm not ok with that one bit, the rest rocks! Still would choose lardy over smoker, just sucks, that's all.
  9. Still winning
    I don't even know where I am - around 6 weeks quit? Anyway my quit is secure, I am solidly behind the I don't want to smoke.
     
    So why do I still wobble emotionally?? I am gutted that two people I cared for fell off the wagon, it's so not my business!! I am gutted my mum keeps cheating, it's not my business!! When did I turn into a busybody?? It's laughable, it is the opposite of who I am. These emotions are "not me", I stay calm and in control. I look after everyone and cope...but wow, some days like yesterday I don't! I even used the C word, that's shocking, I can make a sailor blush for sure but that's my limit...but yesterday no... I really don't understand? I won't smoke but I do wonder where this re-adjustment is taking me. I feel very alone, even though I'm not and like there's a battle coming, I've felt like that for a while in myself...but then I don't know if that's to do with who I am personally or to do with the quit?
     
    All I know is this, I've been quitting for about 14 years, I make a few hours or smoked like 10 in a day and felt a win?! Then I went on a healing course (have hadthem before) and knew it would be massive before I went, I actually cleared the decks and put it down to my weird and alternative ways needing the space. All of my coping techniques were taken and then I was forced to quit smoking! I get my way isn't for most people but I believe in more, intuition or greater energy etc and I am led to what needs to be done, but this time it's me! I feel a bit out of my depth but I won't smoke so I guess that's ok? Who knows. Mad ramblings of a proper crazy bird. Meh, wish I was a normal non smoker who wasn't looking for the greater purpose all the time and could just be chuffed that they weren't bloody smoking.
     
    Yeah that's definately the blog rather than board moment lol. It's out now though so that's good and I feel better! Maybe it will make sense another day, can't have everything can you.
  10. Still winning
    I am at no risk of smoking still, that's good but I am bored senseless of this inane internal drivel, could smoke/don't smoke, that goes through my head every day. I don't even know how I would explain it but I still have the same thoughts of times when I would smoke. For sure they are less frequent then they were. For definate they are not the gut wrenching craves of days gone by and haven't been for a long time. Just like a fly really that keeps buzzing around you and getting right on your last nerve. I would smoke here, yeah but you don't smoke anymore, yeah but I did and I could, but I don't want to ... and so on.
     
    I am certain I do not want to smoke, absolutely sure that it holds nothing for me.... I tried to be every type of smoker, social, evenings only, weekends etc and in each dismal attempt it led me to here, to this place that says "I am very good at smoking, NOPE is my only option". I know this, I actually feel relief at this, it's honestly easier for me not to smoke anymore than to try and cut down, or wait with that buzzing of want being so very loud...this is honestly much easier.
     
    So why doesn't it seem to shut up??
     
    That voice..
     
    I faced it down and it's getting right on my nerves now. I could understand if there was even a small chance that I wanted to or would smoke, but there's really not. If it was an an actual fly buzzing around I'd be going Mr Miyagi on his sorry butt right about now!!
     
    Really bored, are we there yet!!
  11. Still winning
    My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too??
    Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x
    Posted 12 March 2014 - 11:05 AM
    Genuinely, planned it all, felt different and more determined but I could of said that a million time and on a million quits. Woke up, lit a cigarette for my "final farewell" (yes I know, it's dramatic but somehow I made smoking dramatic) went to inhale, couldn't do it and put it out and walked away! Today is my quit day, I don't want to smoke. Feel a bit shaky, nerves/nicotine/not eaten yet, been awake two hours now. Am sipping water and drinking tea and reading reading reading on this site.
     
    I get it today, you have to want to not smoke, more than you want to smoke. Hell I hope it lasts and I feel like this forever!! However I'm going to take it one dayat a time, so today I'm not going to smoke.
     
     
    Posted 13 March 2014 - 09:57 PM
    Almost through day 2!! Have used all my sad stories to try and help others not smoke, I know you guys will do this for me somehow, hopefully that day won't come... But if it does come to that, remind me of each and every one, and post a picture of a copd cough or oxygen tank.
     
    So I celebrated with the biggest baddest burger EVER! And garlic sauce, I smell worse than the smokers here right about now.
     
    The chimney fella has actually made it home tonight, the chimney mother is cuffing her 60 per day and I AM DOING IT, not chuffing away you understand haha, I'm not! Today has been tough. I am so restless. I keep thinking I'll have a cig and then do xyz...but I don't smoke anymore, very bizarre. It's 9pm now, last night I only made it till half past before I was shattered but i followed my body's instructions and protected my freshly born quit and now I'm nearly there again and sure I will make it for today at least. One day at a time, every day is new. I DESERVE this quit, I want it, I own it. In a nutshell I feel a bit nuts and very emotional and I hate the side effects of this champix - but it's happening, and I feel super proud. And nuts...really nuts, how soon for coming off the champix lol.
     
     
    Posted 14 March 2014 - 07:41 PM
    day 3 has confused the hell out of me. I have no idea where my behind is in relation to my elbow (jeez, no swearing makes my life pretty tricky!). So the confusion... I still don't know what is the champix, what is nicotine withdrawal, what is me?? Even my 8 year old Milly said to me today Mum, one minute you're hyper, the next minute you're grumpy, I can't keep up!! She's right, I am up and down like a lady of the nights underwear!!
     
    I'm not smoking though, I still don't want to. Tomorrow is my fella's birthday, he and 6 of his smoking buddy's are round my house. I asked to stay in rather than pub it...I think it'll be easier on home turf and if I need to take myself away I can, rather than in a pub cause then I'm stuck. Desperately trying to plan and came up with this with my sister saying that line to her, this is the easiest and the hardest thing I've done. I still can't believe I did it all before for nothing, but that's the past and this is now and my future. See the pep talk lol, today has been a constant pep talk for myself.... and I don't get it at all but it just is I guess, I know there's so much worse to come too and trying not to panic whilst staying realistic and prepared!!
     
    BUT... get this. Last night Chris (my fella, or SO as you guys say now I know what it means lol) said I am inspirational to him and he's interested in getting some champix to try himself!! AND OMG my Mum (65 year old, proper lifer smoker, COPD, can't walk or breath but it's not the cigs you see, it's this illness.....) was talking to me about how I;m feeling and doing. I thought it was odd, she's not very sensitive and more than a little self obsessed bless her lol...went to a docs appt and made an appt with the smoking clinic for the end of the month!!!! I could cry I'm so happy, this is perfect...my quit is mine so is protected from quitting and failing with someone else...but they may try and that's amazing!!!
     
     
    Posted 16 March 2014 - 07:42 PM
    I am very fed up of the mood swings I'm having, it's not good for me or my gang. I am still unsure what's me and what's champix so I've stopped taking it today. It's day 5. I do struggle at times, not gonna lie, yesterday was a claw through day. I knew it wasn't my best idea but ended up going to the pub with my fella and his friends, it was harder being social and I will be careful and protect my quit a bit better in future - but it was my mans birthday so I didn't say no. Got too much later on when we were all back at my house, drinking and it got too hard, so rather than smoke I ran away and went to bed, lol, but I woke up not having smoked and now it's day 5 so a win Also day 3 was very confusing but through it all I know I don't want to smoke.
     
    So as of now, all of this is me...I feel I really need to understand where I stand. Did anyone else change tactics, don't want to stuff myself up here but I feel cold turkey, me and willpower is where it's at...but I truly want this quit to stick...I keep questioning my choice. I was on half dose of champix anyway?
    Posted 18 March 2014 - 11:32 AM
    Meh today sucks, I am doing a whole body shake thing on and off, so tempting to cheat but it's only me I'm cheating...and I don't want too, so I'm not sure why I keep wanting to smoke, when I don't want to smoke?? Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves, I get the ride it out and this too shall pass but wow, I don't even know why I'm feeling this or what to do to fill the gaps left by smoking (time wise I mean). My skin is on fire and so itchy too, especially my face and neck. I feel gluggy where I'm sipping water so often lol. Anyway I made a ticker to track progress, perhaps it will re-focus me. You know what else makes me sad, I still can't smell the smoke on my clothes or in my house - I know they still smoke here but I thought I would at least smell it?
     
     
    Posted 19 March 2014 - 06:08 PM
    So I'm going to put a diary thread here, a lot of people seem to be doing it and I think it's a great idea. I'm going here, even though I started my journey on champix but stopped it cause the side effects were pretty bad for me. That said I'd take it again given the choice as it got my head in a focused place and all the side effects in the world feel worth it to me if it's the last time I have to deal with them.
     
    Yesterday was a bad day, that and day 3/4 were pretty bad as in I had to claw through relentless cravings for what felt like hours. Today in contrast I feel really good and positive. I like that I get breaks, I need to remember the breaks are ok on the bad days! Part of why I'm writing a diary thread now, today is not too hard, there are cravings, I smile at them today?! You can't have me or hurt me today, you had a turn yesterday and didn't get me then either, I considered it but some good people kept me talking until it passed, thank goodness, I would have been gutted to fail this far in! I ran today too, like about 20 foot lol, to check if I could....didn't cough at all, wow, that's pretty amazing. Previously if you saw me run, you should run too as for sure, something would be chasing me!!! Happy today and have a sense of humour back which I like.
     
    Keep trying to find awful stories (smoking ones lol) to read and make myself read the whole thing. I am pretty much breaking my own heart as at my core I'm a pretty sensitive soul! None of those stories beat the one I listen to here day in day out with my mum and her copd, bad flare up at the moment and waiting to see if we can manage it through inhalers and tablets or move onto the next stage. She gives me this update whilst smoking, she's mad at herself, the only help now is to stop - so she smokes more...denial. I must educate myself at all costs to make sure I never go back to denial, never make my girls suffer the panic and fear I have with every wracking cough I hear... can she get her breath, would a drink help, inhaler?, and that moment I hear the breath in and we're ok again...
     
    So day 8 - do not smoke today, that's all, simples . (Oh and try and get my man to work out how this photo thing works cause I'm inept at technology haha.)
     
    Posted 20 March 2014 - 12:07 PM
    I can't help but think this, I think this is how I'm quitting. I have triggers going left right and center. I got smokers here, kids who won't eat, won't sleep, an ex who's a donut, a partner who limited my snacks so I don't get fat, denial by my mum, people telling me I'm cranky as a non smoker...I mean I have TRIGGERS!! Through it all I'm copping the hump (frequently) but knowing I won't smoke for two reasons....
     
    1. I will have to do this whole bit again cause duh, I don't want to smoke anymore
    2. I believe that one day I will not think about smoking and have a strong suspicion it will be about chilli flavour peanuts cause they're super yummy!
     
    Then I wonder if I'm kidding myself, in essence I'm just waiting till I don't feel like I'm being bulldozed by cigs, surely this is a rubbish plan?? Lol, not rubbish, but where's the empowerment, wheres the brass band trailing...and I wonder, am I missing a quit trick, cause if there is I want to know it so I can add it into my plan. Thank you.
     
     
    Posted 21 March 2014 - 07:09 PM
    I had a look at Bakon's diary, thanks for that Nancy, was really nice to see.
     
    So day 10, I now believe I'm doing it. The urges to smoke feel easy to dismiss, what seems to be the problem is what to do instead, so it got me thinking. By 13, I was smoking two a day, by 14 I was that kid with cigs at school hiding and smoking. It struck me, apart from one very protected year where I quit and then smoked again at the first sign of stress...I've never been an adult without smoking at a crutch?! That is literally unreal to think of!! I need to find a whole new coping mechanism, and pretty fast too as my life throws stress's through as a single mum and carer...I've always coped with everything by sitting down, smoke, think. I'm not sleeping well, it's taking about 3 hours to get to sleep (caffeine maybe, crazy thinking), everything goes round and round and I don't dare get up ...I used to have insomnia, I'd read and smoke. So I think it's good I worked it out, I can get to grips with putting new coping mechanisms in like deep breathing, walks, maybe some regular excersise. SO that's the bad stuff in a way.
     
    Apparently I'm forrest gump?? The other day I literally just felt like running, gave it a 20 foot blast to see if I could and I only could!! Bounding past other mystified parents on the school run having dropped my girls already, laughing my head of at the forrest gump thought and that I could do it! Brilliant, perked me right up... I forgot I used to actually like running. I did it for the county and a running club until 15, when I dropped out as I started to lose (smoking from 14). Food for thought and good ones.
     
    Physically I feel a bit shady. I'm still coughing a bit although nowhere near what it was. My skin, especially face and neck is on fire itchy at times and seriously this is not the teenage part I wanted to revisit with acne looking stuff, how's ya luck, would rather a perky bum again...huff! All a means to an end though I hope, I'll take it all if it means I am as free as I feel right now. By jove I think she's got it
     
    Fella was quit for a day, now decided he's a social smoker, wow, been there done that! It's all a journey, hopefully he'll gain strength. Mothers health going very downhill, literally terrified at the cough coming out of her the last two days. Keeping my brave face on, keeping some distance so she doesn't see the tears, she has enough to deal with. Harder than not smoking, much harder. But I'm not smoking and maybe just maybe it will inspire them one day...god I hope so, not even for me!
     
    So yeah, my life is still normal. It didn't stop and I didn't blow up yet, excellent news...well I might have Dunno what I was worried about since day 7, don't wanna smoke, don't smoke, do something else instead...not quite this easy peasy tho, wow, keep reading and learning and posting...maybe easy peasy later on
     
    Posted 23 March 2014 - 01:36 PM
    Did my usual 5 spray routine, it's almost a performance (1 each wrist and 3 around my neck). Nearly collapsed lol, bit potent!! Guess my sense of smell is better today and I'm now a 3 spritz only chick
     
     
    Posted 25 March 2014 - 07:51 PM
    So what that says really?? Last major crave at 7 days, struggled day 3/4 and day 7, made it through with this board so thank you all so much!! So now I'm at 2 weeks, fella gave up 6 days ago, my mum continues to smoke in the house like a trooper (and whinge and whine like one too lol) but I'm all cool. Any thought of smoking is quickly followed by a bemused why would I, it's more when triggers come up, not actual craves. I am super delighted to not be smoking and still be able to enjoy a lush glass or two of my home brew wine with no problems.
     
    I am not complacent, not me as I've stuffed up before...but I've not felt this sure and steady, and I peak earlier lol, failure prior day 3 always....so I'm worried it's in the post and coming later? I honestly don't know what to think, has anyone else had this, just so worried I'll relax and it'll come and slap me about the place??
     
    Still suffering terribly with skin itching and stinging but welcome the cleanse from the inside out, makes me feel positive and happy to see actual signs of healing I am also still in a clandestine affair with nobbys chilli nuts ( named wrongly on so many levels lol) and contemplating excersise due to my stomach making a bid for freedom over my jeans?! Oopsy!
     
     
    Posted 25 March 2014 - 07:41 PM
    2 weeks, wow, go me No really though, I'm totally doing this and I'm so so pleased!! I'm still bit*y lol, but only if you start it ... progress on last week haha. I can't believe some of the lunacy of week 1, I was shouting, shuffling, had many mantras and songs but it did the job. Last major cravings on day 7, this week has *touch wood* been fine actually. Craves were easily rejected with the simple thought of I don't want to or choose to smoke....it must be in the post I guess??
     
    Chris my fella now on day 6, funny to have seen him get crabby justbecause he is super calm always - was able to take the shut ups and mood swings with ease as I'm so chuffed he's doing this too.
     
    Still filling my extra time with cleaning really, thank goodness my family are lazy buggers who make a mess I guess haha, lots to do to fill my time I am so so happy to be a non smoker I just can't believe how easy it is at the moment! Have zero desire to smoke!
     
     
    Posted 26 March 2014 - 09:38 PM
    day 15, really busy day. Went to the natural history museum withmy two sisters and all 6 of our kids and partners. Realized on the train home at 5pm I hadn't thought of smoking once all day!! Remember that nerve wracking looking for smoking areas and wondering if you could break free from the group to go smoke - I had none of that for the first time ever on a family day trip. Frikkin marvelous it was
     
    Advising newbies has a by product of securing my quit as it secures my thought process. That's strange but great, I like to help people, it's what I do anyway.
     
    Still finding what the "new me" does when the old me used to smoke (the triggers) but no craves again. Just going to relax and enjoy the quit while it's being so good to me as per the advice on this board.
     
    Wondering if my mum will find another reason to cancel her smoke cessation appointment next week like she did this week and last... but pleased my quit is no longer impacted by anyone but me.
     
    Posted 28 March 2014 - 07:29 PM
    Nothing, not a crave worth a jot for days and today, I'm crying, emotional and just totally woman on the edge.
     
    Big row early hours of the morning - brain reminds me we smoke now - me reminds brain we breath and go to bed sulking instead now, ok fine.
     
    My mum proudly tells me my fella cheated and had a cig last night - brain reminds me we could smoke now - me reminds brain we dont smoke because we chose not too, nope.
     
    Pick up daughter from nursery, she's not right, it looks like the illness that had her hospitilized over new year, I'm scared and responsible, totally over whelmed, what if it is - brain WE SMOKE WE SMOKE WE SMOKE, breathing is not frikking cutting it here!!
     
    I can't go out and walk, I can't keep crying as I'll scare the kids, I have to stay in and watch for symptoms and even if it is, it will be ok, it's not fatal just lengthy recovery so need to keep perspective but I'm losing the plot here. What can I do instead please?
     
     
    Posted 28 March 2014 - 07:10 PM
    Day 17 has many many triggers - big argument with the fella and mum last night after coming in late and basically feeling attacked verbally. Think he smoked which does actually dissapoint me as I was grown up enough to run to bed.
     
    Today found out my little girl Bella may have her low immunity illness again, got diagnosed over a few days over new year but it's been calm till now. Right now I could smoke, I would love to be naive enough to be dumb, but I'm not so ....
     
    NOPE but what a sh*tstorm of two days, balls to this!
     
     
    Posted 29 March 2014 - 11:43 AM
    Day 18, calmer but still have that anxious feeling running through me, missing the lovely calm of days 8 to 15. Could be lack of sleep with the children of course lol. Kinda feel on edge generally and emotionally, no desire to smoke but thoughts end up there anyway, odd. Will keep close to the board and out of the smoking firing line here at home today I think and try and take an early night. Lol it's not even 11am and I'm planning bedtime but itkinda already feels like it's gonna be one of those long tough days.
     
    Planning a take away and watching hunger game film for this evening, time for a treat I think. I like to watch films more now I don't smoke as pausing them used to annoy me.
     
     
    Posted 30 March 2014 - 08:54 PM
    Aww you make me smile, you and action and ladybug andbuffycat and so many others... Thank you, the whole go me thing is lovely to hear between the normal pep talks here at my house lol.
     
    Mothers day, wow, 5 mothers in my house, only one smokes. I feel empowered and together again today. Still emotional, my Mum is being pretty unkind, it's almost like she's angry at me all the time, I do wonder if it's because I stopped smoking. Ah whatever. Still not smoking! Need excersize and healthy eating tho, had photo's today and wow, lard ass! haha. rethink on the eating...after this pack of chilli peanuts, day 18 or 19?? Meh, had a wine, going well anyway Hey, I am a non smoker!!!! That sounds so awesome!!
     
     
    Posted 31 March 2014 - 04:00 PM
    Day 20
     
    Thanks action, better day for her although she's angry and grumpy a lot, some comes my way as I'm the closest.
     
    Overall my thoughts are changing towards my mum though. I must admit as time goes on I'm becoming pretty angry that she is still smoking so much with COPD! almost like she must know it's making her so ill and it'll be up to me to nurse and look after her! I have brought her the Allen Carr book and her smoke cessation meeting is thursday this week so we shall see. Trying to just focus on me but it's hard.
     
    Chris my fella is cranky again after a relapse on thursday, hoping since it' after day 3 now again he may calm down. He's just on edge ya know and short. I guess you do the withdrawal from scratch every time you smoke even 1, or that's what it looks like on the outside looking in. He doesn't think so cause he's not like me apparently, because he just stopped when he wanted to stop...I guess the justification here is I couldn't just stop so used the chantix for 3 weeks? Anyway I laughed in my head a little and gently explained addiction, dunno what went in or not but whatever. Same as with Mum, my responsibility is to my quit, I can only show what can be done...not do it for him.
     
    I feel knackered, my kids are still both sick and I'm exhausted. Sitting around a lot today as I'm tired after days of this. Still feeling more emotional than I usually would, unsure of this is my new default setting? Time will tell. Peeved that my thoughts are so heavily on smoking, or rather not smoking as it's interupting the other things I want to concentrate on. I am finding it nigh on impossible to make the energy work connections that I do so have had to give up, I will try again at the weekend I think when I finally get a break. So that's my thoughts today, tired, emotional, not smoking...do not ever want to go through this quitting again, failure is not an option. Focus on the end goal! 20 days of being a non smoker though, that makes me smile.
     
    Posted 01 April 2014 - 07:23 PM
    I am up and down like a yoyo today. I am genuinely sorry too, I accidently misunderstood and upset someone on here today, and I'm now too worried to respond to any other threads in case I'm just "off kilter".
     
    Nothing really to say apart from wow, managing these emotions is really really hard. I feel like a mess the last few days and don't know how to shake it. One minute I'm fine, next minute I'm not.
     
    I'm sure it's wrong to say this but I miss having something that gave me space! I do not want or need to smoke but how I'm ever going to get a grip now I don't is beyond me!
     
     
    Posted 04 April 2014 - 01:32 PM
    Day 23, until day 21 was pretty emotional. Pleased I feel calmer now cause that was horrid. Basically cried my way through a week of my life?!! Chris gave up properly after his cheat so he's pretty cranky the last few days too lol, happy happy house! Still no desire to smoke which is re-assuring, well aware old me would have, new me respects her health and finances too much.
     
    Money saved has bought a deposit on a dishwasher...hoorah, I am no longer the dishwasher!!! Also £165 on passports for mum and my two daughters towards our florida holiday in October. Keeps me focused and happy to see where the money will be going
  12. Still winning

    No wonder!

    By Still winning,

    I'm up and down like a yoyo. The energy is off the scale and I've been to caught up to even look what's going on. You know the problem with quitting smoking...you think everything is about not smoking!! How frikkin annoying that my life has been entering a place that feels much like the toilet, when part of whatI do is understanding how energy influences us - and I missed it. Utter divvy!
     
    First time I've written on my web page since I quit :) I may be more emotional minus cigs but I control more of my destiny then I did before :) Today I have written up the full moon energy and done reiki on bathsalts that I sell. Not ya normal persons Tuesday haha.
     
    I do find this hard. I wish I had some easy peasy, I just have this needs to be done and if this is what it takes then so be it.... but I love that I wrote....and that I can help people sometimes for no reason, other than it feels right.
     
    In case anyone else likes energy work, here is my writing from tonight:
     
    Scorpio full moon May 14th 2014
     
    Scorpio energy is not for the feint hearted. Do or die time my friends! We want to get to the heart of our most painful situation, we want to understand the darker side of everything – you cannot bring light without acknowledging the dark! Bring passion, TRUTH, mysteries of life, a somewhat brutal need to own the situation. Scorpio is strong, I love this energy when I work with it. If I go against it all hell breaks loose though.
     
    The Full Moon is playing OK with Saturn. Saturn is the karma/father of the zodiac. We want an ending here, not a brutal experience. Your lessons should be learned, the answers should be clear. In essence you should realize that it’s ok to be yourself, that there’s power in that and right or wrong does not come into your relationships or life choices.
     
    Somewhere there is a big bang. Then it should settle enough for us to heal it. Scorpio’s are master healers in my humble opinion, not that it’s ever in their write ups. Pain for no purpose is wasted. Understanding and acknowledging a painful situation is the way to heal it and make it better, often it’s a growth pattern for our life journey. Nobody likes a lesson right…but how else are we going to learn who we are, what we want, what we NEED to be whole.
     
    It sounds dramatic doesn’t it, lol, it’s Scorpio – of course it’s dramatic!! Powerful energy circulates and gives us the opportunities that lighter signs don’t. You have the connected Taurus energy on the sun side, bringing a keep us grounded, practical vibe. We are not going to use this energy to dive into the abyss…but maybe we can take a peek into it!
     
    We will learn, we will grow and life is better with understanding of all sides of the story.
     
    Happy full moon in Scorpio!
     
    Love and light.
     
    xx
  13. Still winning
    I have quit now some amount over 7 weeks, how funny, I no longer really remember, I just know it's that long as I had to count a while ago to post a question. I like this board and it's support so I will continue to use it and pay it forwards too but I think somehow I subbed smoking for posting? Bit more balance required is all i think.
     
    I have added exercise this week and must admit it feels quite good. Wish I had of listened and done this earlier. You don't crave at all when you are actually exercising and the weight would be easier to deal with. Weight not to painful, of course I hoped not to gain but did. Started my quit just under 10st, went up to 10st 11lbs, now already back to 10st 5lbs with some more controlled eating over the last 3 odd weeks and now exercise too.
     
    Next week I add my passion of working with people back in, my intention work. Also going to book a couple of courses to make my ability to get insurance easier. Also feel this weekend I should sit down and do some writing for my bewitching site on f book, thinking about writing up moon phase planting if there's any interest.
     
    Still feel good, still have thoughts that are on a loop at times and totally silent other times - regardless, this whole week just feels sooo much calmer overall. I feel better.
  14. Still winning

    4 months!

    By Still winning,

    On my 4 month landmark I felt like my life was falling apart. It was the day I realized my family is not on my side, and merely relations.
     
    It was also the first day that smoking did not enter my mind - at all - all day. 4 month plus one day made up for it with craves lol, all ok now. It's a choice rather than a gut clenching moment nowadays.
     
    I don't know what to do about those in my life who feel fear, or upset for who I am but I do know nothing can make me smoke again.
     
    I have attended the doctors today and finally booked some tests because worrying signs continue with grim stuff like phlegm and shoulder pain and a cough that won't shift. My smoking may have covered up some issues like acid reflux or apparently worse (google assures me death is imminent lol) and I need to be sure I am ok. She was worried about telling me that sometimes smoking masks illnesses that show up after a quit. I'm ok with that knowledge and nothing will make me smoke again, not anything or anyone!!
     
    I can't change who my blood relates too or what I've done but I can change my thinking ongoing. Also I can rest assured I have 100% record of being ok so far.
     
    Bit nervy though.x

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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