Hello!
I'm Shymaid, and I've been a Nicotine Addict for over 25 years. On 05/26/2022 I lighted up my last cigarette at 05:40 PM CET. A Cold Turkey quit.
The road to this point in time has been long, as you all can see, and with uncounted attempts of quitting behind me. This time it will be different, though! Why? Because I've started to work with where the problem really lies: in my head! I am an addict, and I have to admit that. Being an addict makes the NicoMonster seem like a huge thing, when in reality it really fairly small. I might just have 24 hours under my belt so far, but for the first time I haven't been climbing the walls for those hours!
So how did I come to this final point? Well, that's a long story; and while I made several attempts on and off over these long years, they became more and more serious over the last 5-10 years. Two years ago I decided I really did want to quit. Well, I didn't really want to quit, as picturing a future without nicotine was impossible. So while I've been constantly trying to free myself for two years (!!!), I didn't manage it for several reasons.
In October I had my last serious try; a week at a family cabin, alone, without cigarettes or any other form of nicotine. No car of bike, so getting to a store was not possible. I did survive that week. I didn't fall over dead for any reason, the world didn't collapse etc. You probably know the doomsday thoughts going through your head when you try to pick up the nerve for yet another try. However, when departure time came, I had known for hours that I would start again that night. And I did. While I was disappointed in my self to the point of self-loathing, I had also learned a very important lesson: now I KNEW the physical addiction wasn't as bad as I had thought. The main hurdle was in my head. At the cabin I wasn't going up the walls because of the withdrawal pangs, as it did when at home. When I didn't have any access at all to nicotine, the monster was also much smaller compared to when I do. One attempt some years back I controlled myself for about 6 weeks, and those weeks were pure hell where I couldn't even go shopping food. If I did, I knew I would get a new pack and start up again. And I did.
With a few months of 'trying to cut back, so the final quite becomes easier' BS, I had stumbled upon a few resources that made today possible.
Some times the YouTube algorithm works in mysterious ways. Last spring it recommended a yoga channel to me, right at the point where I was so claustrophobic that I couldn't breathe. With 9 months on and off I finally continued a daily practice from 1 January this year - Day 147 today! This has helped me prepare for this moment more than I probably know.
In January I was recommended a meditation music video, which in the end led to a channel called Minds in Unison. It is run by a hypnotherapist, Thomas Hall, and has various kinds of methods to help people with various problems. I went for some subliminal, and unlike many other channels, he actually includes what subliminals he puts in there. A very important point! So I figured I'd try it out, for various problems, and have been listening on and off since. Not all related to smoking, but then everything is connected.
For this time my smoking has been bothering me more and more, and almost driving me as far up the walls ans the withdrawal pangs has done! So the other day I decided to check out Mr. Hall's website, and he has a blog there. One recent post was on how to stop smoking, with one recommended resource was forums. Which led me here. While lurking I saw the praise of Allen Carr and his book, so I did a search and found a pdf version. As this is somewhat of a confession time, I will admit it was put up for free. I just hope one day I will be able to pay it forward somehow. Stolen or not, I started reading it on Tuesday, continuing into Wednesday. As I was overripe for putting this filthy thing behind me, I tried to quit from Thursday morning. Problem was I had 10 more left in my packed, and it had not been hidden while I spelt as promised... So I lasted for a whole hour when I got up yesterday. Not the other person's fault for forgetting, as it was all down to my own weakness! Open packets have been too hard for me to resist, in particular my own packet. So I smoked these 10 cigarettes while starting to type up Mr. Carr's book. At the same time I played 9,5 hours of subliminal music for self-forgiveness. And I felt the fear of a nicotine-free life starting to lift. When that was done I switched to stop smoking music, and have been playing that almost constantly since.
The last cigarette was lit just over 25 hours ago now. It was the 11th of the day, actually, as the 10th was smoked while I was too distracted and I wanted to smoke that last one focused. Why? So I didn't feel deprived of really 'enjoying' that last one. Quite ridiculous when you think about it, but there you are. At least I don't have to sit and pine about how I didn't pay attention to my very last cigarette, haha!
Since then it's been surprisingly easy. While living somewhat on an hourly basis and having to emergency-read in Carr's book to remind myself that I am now a non-smoker, the pangs have been fairly weak and easy to handle compared to what it's been before. As I said, my problem was in my mind. Have i successfully retrained my brain? No, absolutely not! But I have good tools now, and I really, really, REALLY want to be free of this damned cigarettes! Increasingly I've been feeling more and more sick after one, or even just a half; having a very bad taste and feeling of tar covering the inside of my mouth long before the end of the day; etc, etc. So you could say that my mind has been preparing to take this step for some time. Including realizing that NRT wouldn't be the way for me, as I really had to kick the nicotine itself, and to do that handle the FEAR.
The fear of the withdrawal pangs.
The fear of never, ever feeling that nicotine hit my brain.
The fear of who I really am, as I have never known that.
This last point is a very important one for me. I started in my early teens, before I knew who I was. So the only me I know is the slave to the dead weed. The Nicotine Addict. And that is really really scary! I mean, what if I actually manage to quit?!? Who am I then? Where will that lead? Can I face up to who I've actually been while living in this self-imposed slavery? Stepping into the unknown can be very frightening, but it was no option of continuing as I have these 25 years. So it really was just 'DO', haha!
So this is my brief story up to this point! So far it's going very well, surprisingly well! I will stay strong!
P.S. I apologize for this wall of text, and if you managed to come to the end I thank you for listening. If this can help anyone else, even just one, it will be worth having put out here.