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OK so THAT didn't go as planned

MichelleDoesntSmokeAnymore

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I am mostly stuck in the house due to a knee injury. Whenever I do have to go into town for a doctors appointment, meeting, errand etc my junkie thinking sets in saying "you can have just one or two...bum them...get a short respite from your quit, don't tell anyone, just a little secret etc" or even worse "just buy 'one last pack' and enjoy smoking for the day while out and about with no accountability then start your quit over" which always leads to two days of smoking, not one, because I just don't smoke through a whole pack in one day. I live with my nonsmoking sister and brother in law who I'm sure I disappoint though they don't say anything. If they did, it wouldn't help, because no one can solidify my quit but me. So after the pack is gone the jonesing is even worse and I'm back at square one.


This is maddening. I know I can quit. I have gotten off other addictive substances and am soooo happy I did, so proud, so grateful and never ever want to go back. I need to get that gratitude about my quit The further away I get from my last cigarette, the easier it will get and the more grateful I will become but I have to get far away from it first!!!! I've heard former heroin and crack users who are now in recovery say that quitting smoking was harder than quitting those substances. I don't take that as an excuse to continue smoking, rather it helps me understand what I'm up against.

 

Now, for the good stuff...no more Michelle Bashing, for that will not help:

  • If I can say anything positive about my attempts to quit, even though I've relapsed a lot, its that I AM NOT GIVING UP. I am pretty freaking hard core because I keep trying. I've tried many many times over my smoking "career" and have had relapses last YEARS instead of a day or two at a time.
  • I am intelligent and aware how my addiction speaks to me in my own voice and continues to tell me its ok to have 'just one' or that its okay to just have 'one more pack and then quit again' even though I KNOW what I'm doing. So since I know that, I need to remember it in times of extreme cravings and when considering taking a "break" from my quit
  • I'm accountable because I accept responsibility for my relapses instead of blaming people places or things for my actions. 
  • I do have good tools. I need to get better at using them and at learning more tools. But at least I have them and am not rationalizing continuing to smoke for the rest of my life.

 

I will work harder and remembering how grateful I was when I quit last time. I WILL NOT GIVE UP

 

 



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You seem to have thought this all through and know what you are doing as well as what you have to do in order to break free of being a slave to this addiction so I have no words of wisdom to add other than to say that living for a prolonged period of time in this constant state of early withdrawal is not the way anyone should live. You are in fact making things worse for yourself. Wouldn't it be so much easier to bite the bullet for a few ugly days, get by the worst of it and start healing?  I really hope you find your key to maintaining your commitment to quit over a period of time that lasts for more then just a few days because in the end, that is what's required for any of us that want to quit.

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Oh Michelle, I am so sorry to hear you have relapsed again.  We are here for you but you don't even seem to reach out with an SOS.

Your behavior is more like the drug addict.  As long as you are isolated and don't have the means to get out, you are willing to attempt quitting. Knowing you are getting out, you are planning your next fix.  That definitely is junkie thinking.  

I truly think you want to quit but you are not ready to commit.  

I think the first thing you should do, this quit, is go and read @hellkatbaby post from yesterday.  It is the shocking reality of where this addiction will lead you.

You can do this. 

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I am responding here to this post of yours

 

"As a smoker for 38 years I appreciate this thread because I struggle and struggle and relapse and relapse,

then find myself wondering why others are able to stay quit and why I give in to the junkie thinking and make the choice to smoke again

("just one last pack because ABC") over and over and over again,

fully aware of what I'm doing but "feeling" powerless to stop (note I am aware I'm "feeling" powerless, not truly powerless in reality)

Please don't read into this post as giving myself an excuse to relapse.

Thats not what I mean.

I mean, I am trying not to kick myself in the head everytime I relapse,

but to stay aware of the fact that when you smoke for as long as some of us have smoked,

its going to be hard, its going to be tough and instead of hating on ourselves and criticizing ourselves

(that will lead to giving up trying) its better to acknowledge that its going to continue to be hard

and that its time to try something different...take suggestions...try new things to avoid giving in.

I need to shake up this quit. I'm tired of coming in here with a new quit over and over again. Its embarrassing and humbling for sure.

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

and my response...

Being honest with myself and using self critique as a tool has only led to me being a better human being to myself and others.

Truth is my friend. How can it not be ?

 

@MichelleDoesntSmokeAnymore, you've been coming here since March 2015.

 

This weekend I read over a lot of your old threads looking for a clue as to why you won't keep a quit.

Perhaps, you can find the clue.  Here they are.

 

You have to stop ******* around if you actually want to quit smoking.

This isn't rocket science.

 

I smoked for over 45 years. 

I thought I was 'a dedicated smoker' until I learned I was just addicted

and no more addicted than any other nicotine addict on the planet.

None of us are special snowflakes.

 

Yes, I had some gnarly hours, days, weeks, months but, so what ? 

I wasn't being bombed, wasn't in ER, wasn't starving to death.

What else was I doing with my time ? 

Feeding addiction or learning how to Live FREE ?

 

This is all about addiction and the education thereof.

 

I am not stronger, smarter or,  better than any other nicotine addict.

 

The only difference lays in the fact

that I committed to myself, near on six years ago

to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF.   NOT ONE PUFF EVER.

 

This did not take Herculean Power,

all it took was standing my ground, honoring myself and my commitment and blessed TIME.

 

You know the drill.  When will you honor a commitment to yourself and your quit ?

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I don't reach out with an SOS, no....I need to catch myself between entertaining the thought and actually making the decision to smoke. Because once I make the decision to smoke I don't WANT to be helped or talked out of it. If I can stop myself as soon as I entertain the thought and post an SOS before the decision is actually made, I will have a fighting chance. Reciprocity, yes you're right, this is no way to live. To know that logically but still be stuck is hell on earth.

 

I have not smoked since yesterday afternoon. So there's that. 

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The power to get out of that hellish cycle of withdrawal is completely and only in your hands @MichelleDoesntSmokeAnymore

Until you do what you already know you have to do, nothing will change. Quitting smoking is one of a very few things in this life that is completely within your control. When you finally decide to exercise that control, you will be free!

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"...no more Michelle Bashing, for that will not help"

 

And the support and encouragement has worked really great, right?

 

You are in deep denial my friend.  You don't even come out and say "I smoked".  Instead you talk in some abstract terms about your junkie thinking telling you to have one.  I had to read your post twice to figure out that you actually relapsed.  Again.  

 

I, for one, am going to put you on "ignore" because I think that's exactly what you are doing with the advice you are getting here.  Hope you figure this all out.  You don't know what you're missing.

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1 hour ago, BKP said:

"...no more Michelle Bashing, for that will not help"

 

And the support and encouragement has worked really great, right?

 

You are in deep denial my friend.  You don't even come out and say "I smoked".  Instead you talk in some abstract terms about your junkie thinking telling you to have one.  I had to read your post twice to figure out that you actually relapsed.  Again.  

 

I, for one, am going to put you on "ignore" because I think that's exactly what you are doing with the advice you are getting here.  Hope you figure this all out.  You don't know what you're missing.

It's frustrating isn't it .... when we KNOW what it's like to be free of all that slavery to a killer addiction?

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Michelle - I understand that junkie mentality all to well TRUST ME - just 1 and it will be ok, then 2 then a pack and back to full blown smoking, quitting, smoking UGH it's a vicious circle BTDT.  It's denial ,denial, denial, no other way to put it. And you are right, it's something only YOU can have control over. There is no one there twisting your arm except your own mind. Step over to my thread for just a moment - hmm yup same threads/posts I used to avoid ALL THE TIME too because of that SAME denial and junkie mentality. Hopefully it will help you a bit or if nothing else scare the crap out of you. Either way the choice is always yours and I hope that you can stop this cycle for your own peace of mind. I'm finding we are all stronger then we think when it comes down to it. 

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Michelle, you're not the first one to relapse time and time again and you won't be the last. I wish you would treat our board like one of your meetings. Instead of smoking, come here to a "meeting". Have the same mentality you did for your other addictions and I guarantee you will be successful.

Is it frustrating watching you give up so easily, yes, but that doesn't mean we're giving up on you. You can succeed you just need to believe in yourself.

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I wish you nothing but success in this crucial, life-affirming and life-saving enterprise.

 

As you proceed, just be careful that you're not confusing your plans to quit and lessons learned from failed quits with actual abstinence and real success.  I've seen people over the years sort of trick themselves into thinking they're making progress simply because they're able to talk about why they failed.  I'm not suggesting that's the case here (as only you can make that determination, ultimately), but success in this endeavor is finally about being and staying completely smoke-free:  that is the only criterion that really matters.   

 

Christian99

17 1/2 Years Quit

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