I am mostly stuck in the house due to a knee injury. Whenever I do have to go into town for a doctors appointment, meeting, errand etc my junkie thinking sets in saying "you can have just one or two...bum them...get a short respite from your quit, don't tell anyone, just a little secret etc" or even worse "just buy 'one last pack' and enjoy smoking for the day while out and about with no accountability then start your quit over" which always leads to two days of smoking, not one, because I just don't smoke through a whole pack in one day. I live with my nonsmoking sister and brother in law who I'm sure I disappoint though they don't say anything. If they did, it wouldn't help, because no one can solidify my quit but me. So after the pack is gone the jonesing is even worse and I'm back at square one.
This is maddening. I know I can quit. I have gotten off other addictive substances and am soooo happy I did, so proud, so grateful and never ever want to go back. I need to get that gratitude about my quit The further away I get from my last cigarette, the easier it will get and the more grateful I will become but I have to get far away from it first!!!! I've heard former heroin and crack users who are now in recovery say that quitting smoking was harder than quitting those substances. I don't take that as an excuse to continue smoking, rather it helps me understand what I'm up against.
Now, for the good stuff...no more Michelle Bashing, for that will not help:
- If I can say anything positive about my attempts to quit, even though I've relapsed a lot, its that I AM NOT GIVING UP. I am pretty freaking hard core because I keep trying. I've tried many many times over my smoking "career" and have had relapses last YEARS instead of a day or two at a time.
- I am intelligent and aware how my addiction speaks to me in my own voice and continues to tell me its ok to have 'just one' or that its okay to just have 'one more pack and then quit again' even though I KNOW what I'm doing. So since I know that, I need to remember it in times of extreme cravings and when considering taking a "break" from my quit
- I'm accountable because I accept responsibility for my relapses instead of blaming people places or things for my actions.
- I do have good tools. I need to get better at using them and at learning more tools. But at least I have them and am not rationalizing continuing to smoke for the rest of my life.
I will work harder and remembering how grateful I was when I quit last time. I WILL NOT GIVE UP