Ramona

I'm always embarrassed - it comes from my lack of humility. Believe in yourself, you can do this.

Yah Ms Colorado. Not everyone gets to live in that SUNNY-ALL-THE-TIME-STATE!

Ole man winter. Poo.

My niece said to me: "Auntie, you swear way more at night." And it's so true - I never would have known it otherwise.

This too shall pass. Like Marti said: feel shitty, it'll pass...feel fabulous, it'll pass Come here for support - a solid place to get some. Keep us updated on health news. Take care of yourself, be compassionate with yourself. You're stronger than it all.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go...YOU GOT IT.

Made it till the morning - always a solid sign. Relapses have traditionally occurred at night (for the most part). I may continue to produce more rambling rants until this reptile mind quiets down. I thank you all for contributing to/supporting my goal - quitting these things is such a central goal in my life and I don't know how I would have gotten this far without a lifeline like Quittrain. More to come... hopefully all will settle. <3

Thanks RunFree - I think you're right. Plus, my Quitversary is my big bro's death date (Nov.6 2009). I designed it that way but I haven't faced down the approach yet. My brain just thought: "well, maybe I can be an October smoker." Argh

Petra - no worries. I own my insanity. Thx for being here.

I miss my cigarettes...glossing over my neediness - - - granting a sense of independence...my lifelong, true friend. I know all the truth behind this stuff but the current emotions are so much. I'm pretty sure it's late and I'm gonna fall asleep but this is so screwy....such a screwy addiction. I just finally stopped tormenting my boyfriend after 3 hours...kept making an unreasonable demand and expecting him to just be here right now (when it makes no sense for him to drive an hour up this late at night when he has to work in a few hours and he doesn't feel well and he can't see that great at night). I hate being like this. I'm actually trying to get him to break up with me - - - - he won't do it. I don't want him to do it. I just can't stand myself so I can't understand how he can stand me. I feel like I REALLY wasn't THIS bad when I was smoking. And I know I have these exceptional moments of peace and grace and patience (which I never had as a smoker) but this is incredibly challenging. I don't know why the addiction has chosen to attack me so HARD this late in the game. It's bizarre and weird and crappy.

I don't know if I'm bi-polar. If I were to slap a DSM on myself, I think it would be borderline personality disorder. I don't know though. But who gives a flying ****? It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.I just want a cigarette so much.

lacking empathy unreasonable ridiculous privleged bi polar

i want one. im too insane. needy anxious sad histrionic angry lonely out-of-breath

Cutie-pa-tootie. I actually squealed when I opened this thread. He's adorable.

You will never touch that baby's little hands/feet/head with smokey residue upon your fingers. Your child will not have to worry about their father's addiction. What you've accomplished is commendable and responsible. Way to go.

Hi Michelle... You know what to do: just for today. You don't have to quit forever, you don't have to quit tomorrow - - just for now, just for today, you won't smoke a cigarette. If you have health problems now - a cigarette will not benefit you. Your body may need to start a healing process and what better way than to finally give it OXYGEN and clean blood???? That's how you get better. You don't make yourself sicker because you found out you're sick!!!! YOU TRY TO GET BETTER. No smoking.

This terrifies me.

I can't do one. And I never believed I could. Maybe that has actually put me ahead of the game. If I'm in for one a day, I'm in for 15 a day. I don't WANT one. I want 15. How can you enjoy one? Doesn't make sense.

I know what you mean about letting that junkie in. Suddenly we're being tricked into these stressful emotions (fear, anxiety, rage, despair) and we need to figure out how to experience them. That's all. Just experience them - - - not DO anything for once. Just let them pass on through and feel them. Hopefully we can avoid interaction with others when these experiences happen. No need for victims. I know I haven't been good about this part and I'd really like to improve upon that. Evelyn, I stand in solidarity with you. I also suffer from a mental illness. I know it's hard for everyone but I truly believe it's harder for those of us with fairly severe mood disorders. Plus, being a young woman with our hormones in flux - it's not the easiest for us. I believe you can do this...I believe you will find the strength to feel proud of yourself again. You will rebuild and you will be stronger and smarter as a result of your recent failure. Believe it. <3

Welcome Back Tyme. It's nice to hear from you again.

Um Babs, I am kind of a big deal. ;)

X2

So much good advice here. Didn't smoke. Sarge, you piss me off but you also motivate me (DESPITE OBNOXIOUS MOTTOS LIKE "EASY PEASY"). So "f-u" and "thank you" (leaning heavy on the former in this case). SunnySide - you're right...soon as I puff, I belong. I belong to AA again - I belong to the "**** you" crew - to the self-harm - to the "I-can-go-it-alone" mindset - - the nicotine, white-wash, hazy-smoke. Three cheers for death death death!!!!! la-la-la. By golly, gee willikers, smoking would make me AMERICAN again. In light of today's "Happy Genocidal Maniac Day" - - - - - - I'd rather not be nicotine's bitch. I'm a whitey but I'm not American (even if I live inside the lines). I got the curse of both parties any way. That being said, curse or no curse, I do here declare: if Bernie Sanders becomes our democratic candidate for president then I will break my 6 years sobriety and indulge in some cheap Canadian Whiskey. Figure I'll be uplifted by that. Marti - thanks for validation. We're taught to fear our feelings & expressions of despair. Repress at all costs. Of course we are. Power structures rely on repression. Welp. I howled through this day - HOWLED. This is not an exaggeration. I think tears are probably good for our complexions. After sitting through about 45 minutes of my howling despair, my 87 year old grandma said, "I don't cry. Is there something wrong with me?" That gave me a laugh. She never smoked a day in her life.

Indeed.