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It seems like there's a fight going on inside, Words going stark raving mad to take flight. I hesitate, but they want a deluge To hide is something they absolutely refuse. I ponder, wait and consider all angles They run unchecked, unhinged, untangled. Do I open the gates, I wonder Would the flood tear my life asunder? They just want to be free, not like freedom today In the true sense, totally uninhibited No judging, no boundaries, no questions Free to choose their destiny, their directions. So I let them flow, crimson like the Nile millenia ago They gush out, jump, and rush head on into the world. They clash against stoic wills and egos, against logic and emotions, Some get smashed to pieces, some hit hard, some get ignored, and some unleash the demons. I feel empty inside, like suddenly the colors are gone the world is bathed in pristine white. The silence is deafening, maybe I'm not used to peace For I know that like everything, peace comes at a price.

Its been a hell of week But i survived Nicotine gums are like my new best friend I could not have done without it Thanks to all the people who have supported me I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think. - Richard Pryor

A very reflective weekend this one, on the back of a semi-hectic week at work. On Saturday, watched a play related to the 26th November 2008 attacks on Mumbai (today is the 10th anniversary of those horrific attacks). The play was a monologue of the man behind the attacks - David Coleman Headley, an American Pakistani who orchestrated these attacks and conducted the recce which was used to plan and map out where they would take place. The actor (someone I know personally) potrayed that part so well that I wanted to hit him at one point in time during the play. But more than anger, it left me in a very reflective state of mind. I started thinking about how each and every action we do has a reaction, has an effect, even though at times we may not see it or even be a party to it. Our actions have far reaching consequences that we don't think about. Relating this to smoking, I was wondering how many of those cigarette butts I threw are currently polluting the ocean...they are the biggest polluters of our oceans and planet today. Sunday, I went for my first drive with an organisation I work with here in Mumbai, an NGO which collects leftover food from events, marriages, restaurants and distributes it among the less fortunate. This was a drive where we also taught the kids alphabets and numbers. Sitting at home, being able to order food from an app or cook whatever we want, makes us forget what hunger is, and what appreciation for what we have on our table is. This Sunday morning reminded me of that, and I was more thankful for what I have than crib about what I don't. I'm still thinking, today, of how much money I blew up in "smoke" which could have been put to better use. How a troubled childhood caused a man to grow up and be responsible for 170 deaths, how hunger can make people do things they normally wouldn't. Sorry if this is sobering or pensive, but just wanted to share.

Well, there are days when I feel like a hamster running in the wheel, huffing and puffing (figuratively, not literally), but getting nowhere. Then there are days when the sun is shining, the colours are sharper, everyone I meet is smiling and everything is just right with the world. Then come the days of Grey. When it's neither dark nor light, the day is just there...like a blob of paint that falls on the floor. I know I've got enough grit to get through the craves, and wherever I fall, there are amazing people (on this forum) that pick me up...but sometimes I'm tired of the vicious circle. There is a term the French use: l'appel du vide (Call of the void). This inexplicable feeling of jumping off a cliff, when you are standing at the edge, the sudden urge to steer into oncoming traffic. There are times when without any reason, my brain envisages me with a cigarette in my hand...and that moment I feel like my hand has a mind of it's own. I literally have to yank it off that thought...right now was one such moment. The reason I say was is because typing this made that instinct go away. So I live to fight another day. Would I term today Tranquil, Tensile or Tormented? I'd say tranquil with a smattering of tensile.

There are three primary factors associated with relapse: (1) rewriting the law of addiction; (2) an excuse; and (3) a vague memory. It doesn't matter if it happens within two hours, two days, two weeks, two months, two years, or twenty, the factors remain the same and apply to all of us. https://www.quittrain.com/topic/7669-caring-for-our-quit-by-john-r-polito/?p=191537