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Delaying, Hovering over a Relapse

MindHacker

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When I was in the Forum this am, read Chrysalis's entry on relapse.

Today was my first shopping day since I quit on 12/12/18

Traveled 20 miles south and I paid for my dog's boarding at the kennel, got gas for the car, and went grocery shopping.

Normally, when I got gas (Costco), I'd get a hot dog and soda and smoke a cigarette.

When I'd finish grocery shopping, I'd smoke a cigarette.

Then when I got home, I'd take the dog out for a quick walk and then have a cigarette.

Then I'd put away the groceries and have a cigarette.

Grocery day was often cooking day (for lunches during the week, at work), so I'd start soup cooking and have a cigarette.

Today there were no cigarettes, but there were many thoughts of cigarettes.

I missed smoking, oh how I miss smoking. 

I am romancing the cigarette. I SEE that it is a romance between some sociopathic tobacco ceo and me, and as long as I turned over my money to him/them, I'd get more drug and feel comforted.

But romance is about FEELing, not seeing. Today I was feeling that quiet seduction.

A sweet romance would involve loving letters penned on lovely paper and signed with passion.

The closest thing to a letter is the empty cigarette packet on which is printed, SGWA-1.gif.faf0543b4c234bb5a0833f863d992202.gif

I've seen some of the documentaries about the industry, from how tobacco is grown to how people are seduced into trying a cigarette, then kept addicted.

(Swinging back now, no longer hovering over relapse.)

Do I owe something to smokers who are still trapped? Do I have a responsibility to them to stay quit? Is it possible that one of the young people (all smokers) I used to work with, we'll chance-meet, and maybe s/he'll offer me a cigarette. I'll say, "no thanks, I finally quit." Who knows, maybe it will help that person quit. Or there could be some other event, and because I no longer smoke, it could affect the outcome in a better way than if I were still a smoker?

A lot of ifs. The "IF" I don't want tonight is "If only I hadn't relapsed." 

Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I don't know about responsibility to unknown other people, but I do have a responsibility to my children and theirs. 

For the rest of today, I will not romance the cigarette. When an emotion arises, I'll switch to a visual mode and see the reality of the cigarette industry.

Whew.

Long craving has fizzled. I'm tired out. 

 



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I don't know if any of us have a responsibility to anyone other than ourselves; once we make that commitment to quit. We end up helping others just by participating here whether we know it or not. You are also doing this now. Also, don't forget to think about the 14 days (and counting) of hard work you have put in to date next time you start romancing the cigarette and your smoking past history because .... it IS past history now.

 

You can't afford to make it your current situation again .... trust me on that one. You have already made your choice and that is the best choice you can possibly make for yourself - you're smoke-free!

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1 hour ago, Sazerac said:

You may find this interesting,

Red Flags

Excellent, thank you Sazerac. Very helpful.

And now, because I've run out of things to eat, and the dog doesn't want to go for a walk, I'm going to sleep.

Efforts to visualize the reality of addiction instead of feeling the craving are not very effective. 

Avoidance is next tactic. Go to sleep. 

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Glad you got past that bad crave Kate and reciprocity is totally right in that we can only be responsible for our own addiction. Though I do think that a long term quitter successfully quitting is encouraging to others who don't feel they can quit. 

You are in WTF week now Kate and it gets its name for a reason. It can be a tough week so just keep telling yourself that once you're through it you never have to do it again.

 

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23 hours ago, Sazerac said:

You may find this interesting,

Red Flags

 

THANK YOU for reposting this... I personally needed it this week. Hasn't been easy. 

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Kate I felt like you at the beginning of my quit. Every day I'd be like "man I would kill for a smoke now".  

 

I changed the way I thought and it really helped. When I thought about a cigarette I would say out loud "oh f**k off you f**king annoying b*****d. I don't have time for your s**t  today." It took about two days for my brain to get the message but it really worked for me. 

 

I found that the more I tried to analyse why I had a crave and what triggered it the more the thoughts took over.

 

I also bragged a lot on here for the first week. The 'well done you" posts really pushed me on. 

 

Run through the forum waving your pants in the air and tell everyone how great you are as you quit smoking ??

 

 

Edited by Lilly
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