Jerry walks into the lingerie department at Macys and says to the sales associate,

Id like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.

With a puzzled look, the sales associate asks,

A what?

A Southern Baptist bra, Jerry repeats. My wife told me to ask for one. She said youd know exactly what she meant.

Oh, yes, the sales associate says with a smile. Now I understand. We dont get many requests for those anymore. Most of our customers these days ask for the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.

Confused, Jerry asks,

So whats the difference?

The sales associate replies,

Its really quite simple.

The Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen.

And the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.

Jerry thinks about it for a moment before asking,

Hmmm I know Im going to regret this, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?

The sales associate smiles and replies,

Ah the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.

A taxi driver picks up a nun.

As she settles into the back seat, she notices the handsome driver keeps glancing at her in the rearview mirror.

Finally, she asks,

My son, why do you keep staring at me?

The driver replies,

I have something I'd like to ask, but I'm afraid it might offend you.

The nun smiles warmly.

My son, at my age, and after spending so many years as a nun, I've seen and heard just about everything. I doubt you could say anything that would offend me.

The driver takes a deep breath.

Well... I've always had a dream of receiving a kiss from a nun.

The nun thinks for a moment and says,

Well, perhaps that can be arranged... but only if you meet two conditions:

First, you must be single.

Second, you must be Catholic.

The driver grins.

I am! I'm single, and I'm Catholic.

Very well, the nun says.

Pull into the next quiet alley.

A few moments later, they return to the road.

The driver suddenly begins to cry.

My dear child, the nun asks gently, why are you crying?

Please forgive me, he says. I lied. I'm actually married... and I'm Jewish.

The nun smiles and replies,

That's all right.

My name is Kevin...

...and I'm on my way to a costume party.

Teacher: "What's the difference
between COMPLETED and FINISHED?" Student: "When you marry the right woman you are COMPLETED. If you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED and when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED."