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Everything posted by Ren

  1. I'm FINE but not great. Thanks for all the advice on autoimmune flare-ups...I've never had a doctor want to diagnose me officially with anything, so I've never taken it seriously enough...all I know is that when my life becomes very stressful my body becomes extremely reactive. But no more pinches since that night!! or puffs.... I had another smoking dream last night where I had an unlit cigarette in the car and I was frantically trying to find a lighter so I could light it before I talked myself out of it, which I knew would happen if I didn't get it lit asap!! I don't want to go back to day one, but hitting my 90 day mark today feels a little less shiny than what I was looking forward to. I think I just have to keep going with the knowledge that my first 90 days weren't absolutely perfect.
  2. Yeah I know. A couple of times and I'm probably hooked on nicotine again, right?
  3. I haven't been back here since my SOS because I'm not good at letting myself feel vulnerable and face the feelings that were coming up that night. I don't know how you all feel about this here, but I smoke marijuana pretty regularly. I'm not starting my quit over because I didn't smoke a cigarette. But that night I put a pinch of tobacco in my pipe to mix with my weed. It was probably the equivalent of a puff of a cigarette. Smoking weed doesn't make me crave cigarettes. I just wanted a cigarette so bad that I guess that was my compromise. I know there's no such thing as a compromise when it comes to smoking. But I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm trying to figure out where my self-harming impulses come from so I can get some control over them. When I get stressed out and I feel like I'm not doing my best, I get stuck doing even worse and self-sabotaging every habit I've ever tried to break...procrastinating, wanting to drink and smoke pot too much, overeating, sometimes even purging (I used to be bulimic), picking at my cuticles, pimple popping...I think because I was always acutely aware of the danger of cigarettes even while I was smoking them, smoking was more of a form of self-harm for me than an ignorant habit. Huh. I guess I have another layer of addiction to deal with.
  4. ..............................there is still a doubt and that's why I WANT to leave..........................................
  5. Thanks ya'll. I'm still here. I won't smoke. I know it won't help anything. I know it will only make me feel worse.
  6. I hope you're doing okay, Christine! I struggle with my partner smoking sometimes too but I keep telling myself that it has to start somewhere, and if I stop, it only increases their chances of stopping as well. I learned recently that being a nag and trying to explain why they shouldn't smoke it counter-productive....he's got to find his own reasons - reasons that are important enough for him to stop sneaking out.
  7. I am extremely stressed out over work and my responsibilities right now. I have an autoimmune disorder with stress-triggered flare-ups and I've spent the week with hives coming and going all over my body and tissue swelling in my hands and feet and wherever my clothes are tight. Right now I've had a drink and I'm home, no wife, just sister in law. She has cigarettes so I wouldn't even have to buy them. I don't want to, and I likely won't, but I still hate even thinking about it. I know I'd care later. But I don't care right now.
  8. Thanks for all the advice. You guys are so right. I have a new resolution to keep my mouth shut! I hate that holier-than-thou feeling and the way that words sound coming out of my mouth from this higher ground place.... I tell her it's just because I care about her... But it still makes her feel terrible and starts a fight. No more nagging, no more shaming
  9. So I haven't smoked in 2.5 months. Last night my partner and I were at a friends' house having a few drinks, and one person there is a smoker. She's getting ready to go out to the deck, and my partner turns to me and asks ME if I would mind if she had a cigarette. I said, you do what you want, you know it's bad for you. So at first she didn't go out, but the next thing I knew, she wasn't there and she had slipped outside. Smoking when she's drinking is pretty regular for her...not a lot, but that's how I started smoking and I just wish she wouldn't at all. I don't feel like I can lecture her about it because I did the same thing. It's like America telling China it can't use coal. I already did that and it was bad, don't do it! And she's like, it's just a little bit of poison, you're doing mostly alright now, I can do it just for a while, why don't I get to have all the fun that YOU had? When we first got together, I was a casual smoker and she never smoked. I was the one sneaking outside and getting reprimanded. Now it's the other way around and I don't know what to do. ?
  10. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I'm doing well and I'm so happy that you all are too! I was just marking up my desktop calendar for June and I'm excited that I'll be hitting 3 months and 100 days quit this month! I started running again in May and my lungs are so happy that they can breathe lots of air during! I've lost a few pounds and I'm actually on a path of dietary discovery...I have chronic inflammation so carbs and sugar are on the way out..... Also YAY SUMMER!
  11. My 2 cents - I don't think I would have made it through the first month without this forum. Now coming here makes me think about smoking (maybe more than I would have otherwise that day) but I'm not thinking about how I WANT one. I'm thinking about how addicted I used to be and how happy I am that it's at least easier than it was to resist a craving. Also, I was extremely excited to get my one and two month marks acknowledged here!!! Like I posted elsewhere, when people in my face-to-face life don't care that I've quit anymore, this place gives me the validation and encouragement I very much need to stay quit!! I can imagine it would get depressing if you're the one tracking everyone's quit...but it really made a difference to me xoxoxo
  12. meeee tooooooooooo!! I got really into baking as a teen because I loved cookies and cupcakes so much! But I would literally eat half the batch THAT NIGHT. Also when I looked up nutritional info on my favorite coffee shop treats this week, they were all at the top of the list for sugar and fat content! My favorites are always the worst for me. I've always wanted to be one of those people who say they're not into sweets, I've just never been able to understand that point of view ?
  13. Cool. Cool cool cool. I do have a tendency to go all out with lifestyle changes for various lengths of time, eventually ending up acquiring my bad habits again. I haven't set health or fitness goals for myself in years because I was basically tired of working so hard only to self-sabotage in the end. I don't want to compromise my quit for the sake of giving up something less harmful, so gradual is my new favorite word. Honestly I've ignored how much sugar is in the food and drinks I consume my whole life! I've obsessed over calories and fat content but never sugar for some reason. So I'm realizing now how high my daily consumption of added sugar was... so I think I can easily cut back. And coffee...well...I'm tempted by all these stories I hear of clear skin and renewed energy levels after quitting caffeine, so I know I'll try it at some point. Just not today...or anytime soon lol.
  14. Has it followed for a lot of people that once you quit smoking, you realize you were telling yourself little lies about other things you might be addicted to? I'm almost 60 days quit but now I'm seeing other areas of my life that need improvement. The recommended daily intake of sugar is roughly 25 g per day. I don't have any idea what that even looks like. I pretty much eat whatever I want, but today I'm counting grams of sugar and I can already tell I'm in for one hell of a sugar hangover. Also, the other day I forgot to have a coffee (we were out) and by the evening I had a splitting headache and had spent most of the day crying over everything...when I finally went out to get coffee and sat down with it, my head cleared and my mood lifted and I felt normal again. I don't want to be addicted to anything. I don't want to be going through withdrawals if there's ever an apocalypse and suddenly lose all access to these substances!! We'd want to have clear minds, be alert and rational, and physically fit!!! I guess I also want to be all of those things even now, living in THIS world.
  15. @TravellingSunny Thanks for the encouragement! It's a frustrating place to be, this no man's land....I love that we can still celebrate our quits like the BIG DEALS that they are together on here! My most insidious addiction thought creeps in when no one cares, it makes it not a big deal that I quit, which makes it not a big deal to start again...even though I know if I did, everyone would be wailing like banshees! ?
  16. I hope this link never stops working...cold hard biology gets me every time. http://uk.businessinsider.com/what-your-lungs-look-like-after-just-20-cigarettes-medspiration-experiment-on-healthy-lungs-trachea-2016-7
  17. NOPE 50 days, going strong...a week or two without nicotine lozenges too! I keep forgetting to pick up some regular mints to replace them... I'm still very excited for myself but no one in my real life seems to care anymore! I get it, you have your own life to live, BUT GUESS WHAT I DIDN'T HAVE A SMOKE TODAY what did YOU do that's so darn special because I feel like Superwoman! ?
  18. Then Ren was led out into the bright sunny day to be tempted by the devil. And having not smoked a single cigarette for forty days and forty nights, she was having a good ol' Crave. And the one tempting, having come to her, said "You are so fun and fancy-free, you could smoke this cigarette in the sunshine, on the grass over there by the water!" But answering she said, “It has been written: cigarettes will, 100%, for sure kill you. Beauty, coolness, mood, social life - not one will be improved by smoking." Then the devil takes her to an outdoor music festival in the valley. "Look", he says, "look at all these young people dancing, wearing so little, doing whatever they want, enjoying their drinks and their drugs and their smokes. This place is a magical place where no one will care what you do...you could definitely have just one, or even a few this weekend, and it would absolutely be alright." Ren said to him, “Again it has been written: ‘Just one puff will enslave those addicted to nicotine forever.' " Again the devil takes her to a mountain exceedingly high and shows to her all the cool smokers of the world chilling outside and smoking in all their glory, young forever, beautiful, well-loved, confident, successful. And he says to her, “All these things I will give to you, if falling down, you will worship me. Here, let's enjoy the view...and split this smoke.” Then Ren says to him, “Get you away, Satan! For it has been written: ‘You shall value and protect the most gracious gift you will ever have received - the human body that is your singular and finite vessel into this world. Then the devil leaves her, and behold, all her Quittrain buddies were there to remind her of this whenever she needed it.
  19. You can do it Rusty!! My wife still smokes sometimes and I find it difficult too. Basically I just don't want to know about it. There are times when I felt resentful of her, mad that "she can smoke" and "I don't get to have one" but the reality is that I don't want to inhale poison, and I don't want HER to inhale poison, and I know that staying quit will encourage her to one day (soon, hopefully) do the same. Even if she continues, I'm starting to enjoy telling people that I don't smoke (I was mad about having to quit for weeks), or hearing my wife tell her coworkers that I don't smoke anymore. The end of every smoke-free day is a goal met. The start of every day is an opportunity to succeed again.

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.


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