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Still winning

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  1. Still winning
    It still makes me smile. I posted up, on a site about 7/8 sites down from the top result as I'd already signed on to all the prior ones in my million quit attempts!! Never posted mind, and couldn't be bothered to try and remember the password! Found a new one, had no idea why as had not planned to do anything but I read a bit and posted! I posted of my intention to quit the following day (had no clue if I could or couldn't actually lol), that I lived with smokers who smoked in my house...it was a moment of either bravery or stupidity...and people answered me....
     
    A real diverse set of answers may I add. I got agro at one, someone telling me to get on with it, wtf, who are you...erm, he was a successful non smoker :) The rest were very supportive I hasten to add lol. One became a very precious commodity to me, a quit buddy of my very own :)
     
    I couldn't imagine managing a day...far less a week...far less a month...here, 7 months was a distant dream!! All the people who "just knew" I really admire you!! My plan was fake it till you make it!! Be loud, be proud and yada yada.
     
    Then Bandito said it's easy, don't put something in your mouth and set it on fire. It had been said a million times by a million people but what struck me was the simplicity of the message and that someone had bothered with me. They didn't know my relapse record of course "relapse legend", I had been trying to quit from July through to the following March! Mostly not making one day! I had been every smoker in that time, social, evening, weekend, when the kids were in bed...never non. I didn't really understand non smoker or how to get there. The one thing I was is the woman really tired of trying!! Really clueless how to get from where I was to where I wanted to be, free of smoking.
     
    I am so pleased that I trusted this gang. I am so pleased because it has brought more to my life then I ever thought possible! I won't bore again with lines of self worth and non agressive pride, nor an opportunity and an acceptance to just be myself. I will say this in case anyone reads though. The acceptance as just being a quitter and being taken seriously for that was enough that I wanted to know more and this board makes me proud to be a part of it. This board sustained my quit so many times. Either with individuals or just reading genereally. So do post!! You never know who is reading what you write, relating and going oh thank goodness!!
     
    Late 6 months saw another wobble but one I knew was trigger related and I never accepted the smoking thoughts. I took steps when I started to romance to talk to a friend that I had from here, and it was gone within hours.
     
    This time 7 months ago I smoked my last cigarette. I didn't know it would be my last. I had plans for a fond farewell the following day which I regard as my actual quit date but I woke and couldn't do it. In one post you guys made me a non smoker!! It has not been plain sailing, I'm ok with that now. I got to the same end game, quit and free. I couldn't be happier!
  2. Still winning

    Almost 7 months

    By Still winning,

    This has been a tough week. It's tuesday! That probably says a lot. And my weird will be in this blog, if it offends please see "ra ra" type posts in the main arena!
     
    I don't understand why I think of smoking when things become tricky. Although it has been my "go to" for my whole adult life, I started to smoke at 13. I had my first at age 9 - the age my oldest daughter is now!! She's a baby!! I can't believe no one noticed me, and yet if you met those I "care for" you'd understand the self obsession that meant they missed any potential signs for me. I must remember now I think to ensure I am seperate, and really try not to let these people invade my "better place" space.
     
    Today I faced down for the first time people judging those who are spiritual. Apparently we are all flower power hippies with no life plan lol. Wow! At the "what do you do" question I squared my shoulders and said I'm a hippy...in leggins...who channels stuff like healing...I think your nurse training is awesome...I just signed up to reiki cancer patients for an hour a week and help them through a gift I was given...and I wear crystals and heal with them cause I'm moved to do that. I just want to make lives better and I love that I'm given that opportunity all the time! Cue tumbleweed!!
     
    I wish I was that spiritual person who didn't think, wow, you're a bit of a twat aren't you and really did wear loose fitting clothing cause that would of been handy with the extra quit weight I claimed via peanuts!! And then I really started to think later. There was a time, almost months ago that I would have said nothing! I wouldn't have defended myself and my life choices even though I considered myself a really strong woman. It reminded me what my quit has given me in the self worth camp and despite a bitchin couple of days I am happier in myself now then I have ever been. I can attribute a great part of that to here and a freedom to just "be me unjudged" and a strength in fighting addiction and being victorious. Yes, I "just know" I am done.
     
    I won't consider smoking anymore, SNOT, no longer an option! I can't heal if I stink, end of story. But jeez, I wonder why the thoughts still come and if they will ever end although I offer up eternal gratitude at the fleeting nature compared to the early quit thoughts which were so intense they owned me! I read of symptoms of the quit, so many I wasn't sure they were even all quit related until now really, wow, I abused my poor body in an epic manner!!
     
    So for me. For all behind and in front of me. I know now. Smoking really never fixed a thing. I will help whomever I can and I will be greatful for a place that accepted me for who I was, warts an all. (really no warts, cross fingers and all that). Forgive the inane ramblings but it is my blog and it helps to write all the crazy down sometimes! And not smoke, that helped me too. Wednesday will be better is all. Loves to all.
  3. Still winning
    6054 unsmoked cigarettes when I just posted something. That's just a save on so many levels!!
     
    There are a lot of new quitters I'm reading and some great advice being given. Wish I had of followed any of it haha. Claw through quitter, take a bow :) Many a mental moment, throwing my hands skywards and saying for Milly and I. The nope shuffle, switch from foot to foot literally saying nope nope nope. Should of taken shares in cough sweets and nobbys nut for sure...utter miss in planning :)
     
    I read that some people struggled at 6 months, I mean not like the early days but just more thoughts than 4/5 months sorta thing. Not my experience thank goodness. Feeling together and powerful. 5 months was utter pants for me on a personal level which of course upped my thoughts then - maybe I got it out the way? Happy and content with my quit. Peaceful again, secure, utterly delighted to not have smoked another 6000+ cigs.
     
    I look at who I am today and it's so different. I love to exercise. I love to do things with my kids, out and about and I can, because I have more money! My confidence is such that I can say no in a non aggressive way and it just is no. I was a slave for 23 years to nicotine and in honesty, I never realized how totally it controlled me. How it controlled my life, the movements of my life, the money in my life...every part of who I was had become tied to when I could smoke. I do love me a bit of freedom, especially when I never even realized that would come!!
     
    Less then a month to taking Milly and Bella on the holiday of a lifetime to Florida. 5 day disney tickets booked and paid. 2 day universal tickets booked and paid. rocket launch at kennedy space centre booked and paid....because we don't smoke anymore, because we are free of the tie and chose NOPE as many times as it took.
     
    Bring on any thoughts or craves, I have enough amo now that I can bat you back out of my brain within seconds. I breath, I live, I have money, I have self worth...life is pretty freakin good!!
  4. Still winning
    Shhh, I feel ok *looks left and right for the easy peasy crew* haha. I don't smoke, 6 other people don't smoke now because I showed it could be done. Of course they were considering it anyway, isn't every smoker considering quitting. Where I am today is where I could only dream of being before and I fully respect that and hold onto it.
     
    Things have really been getting to me lately. I have felt massively overwhelmed, as such some of my posts might have seemed a bit sad, that's life tho. I won't pretend to be something I'm not and I refuse to be fake. My support for the people here has been unwavering, of course it always will be. The rest of my life has seen yet another hermit month, where I regroup. I'm sure the swear thread has been fully utilized! Sometimes I wish the journey wasn't so hard, but it's only through the tough times of my life that true enlightenment or the next stage, whatever you call it, comes to light.
     
    I like that through the last month when I consider smoking it is easy to dismiss the thought. I mean I get the right royal hump I have the thoughts, but that mental baseball bat is dead handy! Getting some violence about this quittin malarky lol.
     
    I get what the easy crew are saying now. It isn't that quittin is a walk in the park, it's how you aim your mind. I fear I did this the hard way again, shocker!! So I stand (sit, it's been a long day!) and say this - henceforth, I am going to do all in my power to be happier.
     
    Aside from that, new plan, live my life the way I want too. At the risk of sounding like a dodgy song, I am what I am, like it or lump it. I have too much self worth to be trodden down now, too much confidence to be afraid of being judged. They can do what they want and say what they want. I am really ok. It's taken a while. And a few people. And a shedload of people telling me I am worthwhile.
     
    This here train will never know what they did for me and I will pay it forward with all I'm worth. In the interim I feel 6 months is a real turning point for me. I was waiting for it and I do defo feel calmer today then I did a week ago. Don't matter tho, no matter what I'm a non smoker :)
     
    Non smoker, sounds pretty cool to me. Missed my peace of 4 months, feel like it's ready to settle on me again and I'm more than ready. BOOM!!
  5. Still winning

    6 month thoughts

    By Still winning,

    This is what I posted for how I felt and feel, copied and pasted to my blog for once.
    - Don't put anything in your mouth and set it on fire! Actually, when someone put it like that it sounded like a pretty stupid plan anyway :)
    - Smoking is not on the table. Shortened to SNOT, thank goodness, my memory is shot from kids, I can remember short words!
    - NOPE - yep, like SNOT. Going with the KISS philosophy (keep it simple stupid)
    - One puff away from a pack a day
    There were so many reasons it took me till 38 (now 39) to get to this point. A genuine belief for so many years that smoking relieved my stress and it's not like I have a lot for me. My Dad had tried to bribe me. My Mum would make a lot of quitting noise but no actual results, just a cut down that never lasted. A lot of other people said if I can do it anyone can do it too, but no actual advice other then that?
    I really feel someone should have told me this. It won't hurt at all! It won't "feel" hard most of the time, it's just a series of thoughts that you can dismiss if you choose too. Because the bottom line, that is how I quit. I faced each thought, that lasted moments to minutes depending on how I acted. I was (mostly) in control and made the no choice and the thought simply passed by. Jeez, I think about downing a tub of ice cream most nights but I know this will equal a huge butt so I choose no to that too haha.
    So I am quite secure that I have the "tools" I need and needed now. A support network, :wub: you guys were crucial to my quit. A list of why I quit. Coping techniques (deep breathing, water etc). Healthy education into nicotine as an addiction. A number of key phrases as above and also "be eternally vigilant", nope shuffles, some bad dancin moves :)
    I wish I could have arrived at this point feeling a little more dignified and elegant. However I have secured a great group of buddies, a couple of really special people and a new Mum (thanks Nancy, I think we have the same eating habits judging by your junk food plan?) - so I figure I did very well out of this deal!
    My one piece of really real advice - When it feels hard hold on, it's through the tougher parts of our journey that our quit grows more solid. There is always sunshine after the rain and in the case of giving up smoking there really will be a rainbow. A quit chops and changes, as does life and we just need to grab the equivalent of a life surfboard and ride the waves!!
  6. Still winning

    Almost 6 months

    By Still winning,

    I hold on to my quit being a fantastic thing. It instills strength, pride, worth to me. I love how I feel, this freedom. Even the occasional time it feels "tricky" I know I'm ok, weirdly I "trust me" nowadays. When life feels a bit hard, I often wonder is it due to the quit - the truth is honestly no and it hasn't been for some time. Non smokers have bad times and rarely anymore is it about not smoking.
     
    The "problem" seems to be people still think I am the person I was. The smoker, who accepted more and just walked away to "calm and smoke". I am not that woman anymore. Early quit I'd shout and scream, then cry - really, lot's of crying! Now I look in distain at the people who think I am someone who can be pushed around. If that sounds harsh then so be it. Nothing about me is harsh if you are a good person, I am kind and want to help - but if you bring a fight to my door, I can battle.
     
    I like the bottom line of where quitting smoking has taken me. So far removed from a family holiday or a child pushing me. It's taken me to a place of self belief and inner strength. Literally, anything is possible if you just believe in it, and yourself. It's ok to be happy, even if others don't agree with you and your choices, still ok!
     
    I wish I could share this feeling with others and them actually understand it. Both smokers wondering is it "too hard" to quit - HELL NO! Best thing you could ever do for yourself and your sense of self worth and imbeciles who think that people pleaser I was may still exist. NOPE, long gone and fare thee well to her! Today I stand in my own strength and add to my children a quit in the "look what I did" camp :)
  7. Still winning

    Found my day 1 poem

    By Still winning,

    I keep a journal and I was just browsing for day 1 thoughts and feelings as someone asked for ideas and found the poem/motivational writing I made myself to read by candlelight looking for additional strength, I sat and wrote it the first evening. I will never forget how I felt, a mixture of emotions both sad for what I thought I was giving up and how would I cope and utter exhileration that I might actually make it.
     
    Manic,
    Panic,
    I can't breath!
    Raging,
    pacing,
    Inside I seeth.
    Smiling,
    laughing,
    Can't quite believe!
    Nice People,
    Steep hill,
    I can achieve!!
     
    This time, this place, is where I see,
    I could always do this, I can be free.
    I'm scared and happy, kill or cure,
    I'll give it all to come out pure.
    Live for today, not tomorrow
    Only forwards, no failure sorrow.
    I can, I will, I shout out loud
    I own my body, I will be proud!
     
    It was fun to find it and apparently I jumped from foot to foot literally shouting nope - I wonder why the neighbours look at me strangely nowadays haha. :)
  8. Still winning
    Not my style, not my way but I think I just done wallowed the last two weeks of my life away? Sad, unhappy, over thinking, questioning myself, my life, my parenting - but not my quit. I love that bit by the way, even when life feels like it utterly sucks balls for no apparent reason my quit is still in the "oh yeah, doin it" section. August was the most abhorent, scary emotional month I have seen in some time. I am utterly jaded but re grouping.
     
    I am brutalized I was too unwell to complete my healing module in the legitamate "insurance" world. FFS, I have been using my skills since before I knew what the skills were!! - and I can't practice in the real world due to insurance?! Why has my path gotta put so many road blocks in the way to make me always think I'm missing something I need to know. Meh, sucky stupid timings.
     
    So, phew. Ok, it's time to put my childish thoughts behind me. It's my birth month :) The time where I reset my year, my year by the way, i get the january the 1st thing but I think at your birthday, you should do a life review and set in motion your plans for your next year. SO .... By this time next year I want to have clients, who I can lay my (non smoking YEY) hands on and help. I need to start working on a "proper job" skill set and I still have no clue, but 7 days left.
     
    So if now, when my baby girl starts full time school (mortified). And my Mum is still utterly scared but possibly closet smoking again (div). And the world feels like it is testing me - if now - my quit is in safe hands.... then I'm going to assume that even though I have an occasional thought to smoke that I'm all good and not worry anymore. I love that I can pay it forward though, that's so fab! 11 days until 6 months quit!! Multiple quits inspired by mine!! New friends!! I don't know why I spent a month uneasy?? It's as great as it always was :) A blocked path is not a roadblock, it's an opportunity to know more. Stay focused.
     
    Quitting is a journey, not an event. Eternal vigilance. Addiction. All true, but look at the strength that surrounds this site, these people. This is a great time to be here and it feels amazing to pay it forward. I think I will be happy about it for a while.
     
    PS, I may have had a wine, thus promtping such happiness lol, but still, it's pretty cool being a small part of this place that saves people and heals them :)
     
    x
  9. Still winning

    Got no mates!

    By Still winning,

    Another quitter today has raised the "drop off rates". Wow they are pretty high!! Now there is a person on the board with my time, but only one. This time is a bit strange to be honest. 4 months was lovely, no craves, all peace. 5 months is reminding me, hey you used to smoke...hey you, you smoked you know....hey hey, can you hear me and so it goes. Now of course it's good, it's me. I have traced back and found the triggers and will work on them and my quit is safe.
     
    So where's me mates at?? Well, they keep dropping like flies. Me, I'm still sure no matter what I may think or feel periodically I am absolutely a non smoker! But why, why am I ok and others are not? Was it my weirdo approach? Or guys like Jonny5 who was not everyone's cup of tea but reinforced my quit like a boss. Or my quit buddy who regularly assures me when I go bat shizzle that all is well and I should not be a donut? ....
     
    I think it's me! I think "I got it" fairly early days. It does not solve a damn thing, it never did. I remember there being a point, I was brutally upset about something or other and I thought I would smoke for a fleeting second...closely followed by what's the point, it doesn't help! In THAT moment I accepted I was going to have to relearn how to cope and I grieved for what was but now wasn't.
     
    When my Mum was rushed to hospital, diagnosed with heart failure, on top of copd and she was discharging herself (as we do) and putting it all on me.... I was terrified, my craves went through the roof, for days.. I literally "chose" to hold on and wait to see what happened. I never said but I paced for nights on end, listening that all was well and breathing was happening. It only took my buddy saying got your back and Aine saying, of course you would consider smoking to bring me back down long enough that I could hold on. It absolutely did not diminish the triggers/craves but I knew that my choices for coping were real limited and I had to find another way.
     
    Two days ago was a virgo (my sign), new moon which for me, signifies new beginnings. I asked for strength for a friend here, who is looking for a new career path and strength for me to follow my dreams again and reinforce my lifestyle which is about being healthier and that certainly includes not smoking.
     
    This saturday I formalise my reiki training and I can finally insure to practice properly, let loose on the general public and charge, when I'm ready. Something else I posted that really stuck with me is I did not want to touch another person reeking of stale smoke. How could I put my hands up to another person who may be a non smoker and stink?
     
    Ultimately I want to teach I think. Teach how to plant by moon signs or how to heal via reiki and angels and how to intuit tarot along with the standard lines. I just want to share what I have learnt. It might sound odd to some but to me it's how I have lived knowingly and unknowingly. I cannot unlearn what I know, I will not unlearn my non smoking traits...for me it's all part of the path.
     
    That said, I wish my path would bring some of that beautiful peace back because this bit, well it's a bit tough. I'm up to it of course but it would be nicer to have some easy peasy. But still, if I had that, how would I be any use to the people who suffer with a quit...5 quits inspired by my 1 now. I will prove by sheer strength of will that you can have a tough times in your quit and still succeed :) It might make no sense to anyone else but I will do what I have always done and lead by example.
  10. Still winning

    What's going on?

    By Still winning,

    It's all a bit hairy in the wonderful world at the moment. At the risk of "engaging my weird", I know the energy is off kilter at the moment and everyone's feeling pretty insecure, I guess I'm no exception.
     
    Quitting: Well that's two who have fallen off that I have cried real hard tears for. I panicked, what if that was me later?? My advice upon more tears from my fella was "you really must stop getting SO involved with everybody". My quit buddy's advice was I'm an "unhinged psycho and my quit is fine, if I fail he will drive and smack me in the nose". Perfect haha. Jeez I need some softer people in my sphere :) But actually I like it, keepin it real with a scottish bloke and a london bloke...gotta be done.
     
    Home: My Mum continues to panic at every little thing. She is struggling with her quit and nearly smoked at the weekend. Out with smoking friends and one offered her a cig and she says it was nearly at her mouth before she gave it back and said no. But more then that she is plain scared all the time. I don't even know how I'm doing this, I'm bloody scared and I have to pretend to be fine and make sure everyones needs are catered for, she is no exception. Chasing medical reports and information and it's draining me. I know that sounds selfish but it is what it is.
     
    Children: Summer holidays and my eldest continues to resemble "kevin the teenager". I'm so sad. I utterly adore this child, she lights up my days and her sister makes me smile and laugh. They bring more to me then I think then I can to them, although a Mum who completely adores them no matter who they are is surely a powerful thing. I had to conform as a child, always, and it broke my spirit for a long time. Mine at least don't have that.
     
    Weird Convo: I am the last of my real sisters to quit. One was round today and says since her 5 year quit she has had 6 cigs, in fact once buying a pack pissed as a fart and only smoking one as it made her feel so sick! What?! How on earth can she do that. I genuinely do not want to smoke but am under no illusion... a puff away from a pack a day could have been written for me! I really don't understand testing yourself like that and I am super pleased she was able to do that and walk away again but NO WAY for me, not now not ever. I am freaked she tested herself at all.
     
    So although I KNOW I'm ok, my life is still the happy place it was and on the path I chose - well I feel a little "meh" about it all. Not exclusive to quitting, this week just feels like hard work.
     
    So if you feel a little odd too then I guess we just shouldn't worry. It's a crazy week.
     
    With all of that, with how hard it all feels for no apparent reason at the moment - My quit continues to make me happy. M yquit continues to be as secure as I can make it with the eternal vigilance that Markus wrote of and Bandit reminded me of. Those who succeed don't always make it because it was easy for them... we make it because we know we are addicts who cannot succumb! I'm a non smoker havin a tough week is all.
  11. Still winning
    When I gave up somewhere I got the idea to write a list of why I didn't want to do the smoking thing anymore. I added more and more of course, as we quit new benefits and logics come to you. Anyway, orginal list:
     
    -Broke my word to Milly TWICE saying I would quit and didn't
    -I want to sing along to my songs I like
    -My cough
    -Mums health scares me
    -Want to go out sometimes (money)
    -Can't afford clothes and shoes which I need.
    -Florida trip, going nowhere!
    -£300 a month?!?
    -Outside smoking
    -2nd hand smoke for children
    -We all smell, everything smells!
    -To prove I can give up
     
    Well today I FINALLY sang along to my halestorm CD in the car!! I mean I wasn't in tune or anything but I could hit all the notes without my voice/throat cracking :) It was one of the things that really annoyed me about being a smoker, seems silly when I compare it to what I have now but in my defence I didn't know how endless the benefits would be!!
     
    Nothing of note for anyone else but I kinda felt like I had achieved or done all I could with the rest of my list. My Mums health will never improve but she and my partner quit smoking eventually. We are all healthier and becoming more healthy eating aware. First and foremost I put my children first - finally! I will never forgive myself for failing my daughter and breaking my word :(
     
    Ironic to read the list now though. So many things weren't on it. Like self worth. Health benefits for me and so it goes on.
     
    Smokings pretty nuts!! The distortion in thinking is utterly crazy!! Pleased I'm free.
  12. Still winning
    My quit still will always me happy. I put it on a pedestal with other amazing things I've done. I think I value it so highly because I understand my quit was an addict literally fighting for a life! I see all day every day the effects of smoking related illness and one can only be an emu for so long.
     
    I knew I needed help. I am pretty tough :) I have been through some situations which I am lucky enough grew me into a spiritual and warrior type of force. Do not misunderstand that, I am incredibly humble about the lucky ways I had an opportunity to learn. But through it all I have remained mysterious, hidden, outwardly composed...until I joined the quit train. Allowing myself to "be me" without fear was as great as the quit, the fact that people accepted that was a really big moment for me. There were a number of things that transpired and bought me to a healing place. I am the one who believes in fate and karma. In soul connections and reasons for living. I have spent pretty much all of my life looking after people in one way or another. In honesty it made me pretty jaded and lonely.
     
    This quit and my friends here have in no small way transformed my thinking. I am now a non practising addict, but I am very aware of that and eternally vigilant (someone else's words). For the first time in my entire life I trust a guy. When I could have failed I thought of him and when I've struggled I contact him and without fail he is always there. And to date the only person I haven't threatened to take down when calling me a dopey tart haha. A quit buddy is pretty important and never have I been so delighted for a fella to announce "your ass is mine"! Stu, if you ever remember to read the blogs, thank you. x
     
    I felt support and acceptance. I never even knew I needed that to quit and just be but I did!! Wow, from my heart and soul thank you so much. xx
  13. Still winning

    Been a while

    By Still winning,

    Not updated as not much to report to be honest.
     
    I'm almost 5 months, as it's the 2nd I know that's in 10 days, but mostly I don't really remember how long it's been since I quit. That feels massively ironic as at stages there I was counting in minutes, at a push days. Months seemed totally unrealistic and I smile to think back.
     
    It turns out 4 is my new magic number. Since the actual day I turned 4 months quit I have honestly felt great! That particular day was a dark one on the emotional front and through it all I never even considered smoking which I didn't even realize until the next day. I haven't since then either.
     
    I am fairly sure this steady movement forward (not that it always felt like that!) is in great part because of my interaction here. When I post that it will get better, I mean it does get better and I want you to hold on! As a fantastic by product though it reminds me of where I was and never will be again - thus my quit is also reinforced.
     
    I understand how people start to drop off the radar on the board at my stage of the quit. I have nothing very clever to say to people quitting nor do I have very much to post about. However, I also still have people around who are not quit from this board - but I absolutely know they will and I want to be here to see the great moments :) Hey perhaps I'm just nosy haha.
     
    My epic journey continues and less then 3 months until my Florida trip with my family which was a contributor to why I quit. Laughable now, I wish I had of understood and not hidden my head in the sand for so long before quitting. Still what's done is done and I only look forward now.
  14. Still winning
    She forgot the date, she has done none of what I did or had any support - just cracked on after 50 odd years and didn't smoke. She's been quitting forever, far longer than I was trying for.
     
    She is still cranky as all hell but she is also feeling unwell. The quit was prompted by a heart scare which can now add to the copd as a lifelong condition, caused by smoking and it was the trigger she needed to just stop there and then. She used a patch for 2 weeks then ditched that too.
     
    We bitch a lot but I come from a strong line of women :) I am really proud of my moody quitting mother!!
  15. Still winning
    My quit makes me proud. I do believe anyone can quit and that every quit will be different. I believe if you educate yourself enough about the harm smoking causes you will find it tougher to do that to yourself again. I believe that smoking and craving 20, 30, 60 times a day is honestly harder than saying no more, not today and getting past the points where it feels hard.
     
    For all the tough days whilst quitting and finding my new personality post being a smoker, what sticks with me is I did it and it fills me with hope for what I can achieve now! My new personality is less tolerant and actually, I am now genuinely happy about that. I have ditched toxic people because my self worth and self value is higher. I have stopped being as afraid of people seeing the parts of me that before I would rather hide. I stand at 4 months plus quit saying, this is what I am and I'm ok if it's not for you.
     
    I read all the stories, the mine was easy, I just said nope...damn, mine was occasionally tough as old boots. One day I spent 3 hours of my life staring at a packet of cigs and crying whilst posting what was probably utter tripe! The surprise for me if I'm honest was how many days felt like a wonderful free fall to a smoke free life between that!! It's like if I had a tough day, one or two easy and beautiful days would follow, that kept me sane :)
     
    I see people doing the first and second week and think - I am so pleased I held on through that. It was really damn hard and it felt like it took all I had, all of my being to simply not smoke.
     
    I see people hitting one month and think oh, no mans land - I am so pleased I held on through that. It was a different kind of mental draining, not physical anymore, nowhere near as tough. But when the flashes of craves came, they were such a surprise it took me by storm. I considered falling off a couple of times! Held on because I could, sheer bloody minded ness :)
     
    I saw all the 3's that people said about. 3 is also my favourite number, I didn't really believe 3 could do me in but it did give me a couple of knocks. I passed through it with sheer bloody mindedness that time too. I think I favour 7 now :)
     
    I just responded to an SOS that made ME think. My SOS, that gut wrenching why would this happen to me was utterly uncalled for!! It was very awful (insert own swear words). I am so incredibly thankful i got talked down.
     
    Know what I thought today - I didn't paint my toenails and I'm wearing flip flops - I do wash and keep myself nice, I wonder if people are judging me and I genuinely laughed. The other thing I thought after answering an sos is I'm so pleased I don't have to find time to smoke now, my house is so much cleaner.
     
    I don't smoke, I can think of all manner of random stuff now!!
     
    Have I mentioned I'm proud but more than that, I'm at peace and a non smoker, the feeling is priceless :)
  16. Still winning

    4 months!

    By Still winning,

    On my 4 month landmark I felt like my life was falling apart. It was the day I realized my family is not on my side, and merely relations.
     
    It was also the first day that smoking did not enter my mind - at all - all day. 4 month plus one day made up for it with craves lol, all ok now. It's a choice rather than a gut clenching moment nowadays.
     
    I don't know what to do about those in my life who feel fear, or upset for who I am but I do know nothing can make me smoke again.
     
    I have attended the doctors today and finally booked some tests because worrying signs continue with grim stuff like phlegm and shoulder pain and a cough that won't shift. My smoking may have covered up some issues like acid reflux or apparently worse (google assures me death is imminent lol) and I need to be sure I am ok. She was worried about telling me that sometimes smoking masks illnesses that show up after a quit. I'm ok with that knowledge and nothing will make me smoke again, not anything or anyone!!
     
    I can't change who my blood relates too or what I've done but I can change my thinking ongoing. Also I can rest assured I have 100% record of being ok so far.
     
    Bit nervy though.x
  17. Still winning
    Boom and by the gods, got another one sucked in!! My Giles quits tomorrow with a brilliant mindset of - Mart, if you've got it, then so can I! I LOVE this inspiring stuff!! Even if this doesn't take, he is thinking, and seeing it's do-able and I am somehow managing to enable that, simply by quitting!!
     
    And his twin brother is part of my soul group, so if I can suck Giles in, maybe I can suck my Elliott into quitting. By the way some people think soul mates are the bird/bloke they happen to marry or be with etc. I don't buy that although good for you/each to their own etc. I think we pick a group of people that we will re-incarnate with and they will bring something to our life, or us to them. Yes the fella I'm currently with is in my gang but we were powerful to each other as friends too. Numbers wise I think this is in the 5 - 10 ish people realm, in case you wonder what I'm rambling about :) Spiritual ya know :)
     
    So I am so pleased I hung tough for all those days I wondered if I was being dim trying to quit. All the times I quit and failed and quit and failed :( Made me sad but each quit/failure taught me something and brought me to this place I am today where I will not smoke, would be the dumbest thing I had done for a long time - pretty much since I last started smoking.
     
    I quit though and NOW, here and now, I am a non smoker and I accept that. For months I have been a quitting smoker, or a reformed smoker (lol, real bad) or someone who wasn't smoking....now I just don't smoke.
     
    It's like someone gave me the last hidden puzzle pieces but I couldn't tell you which bits were missing, it was a time thing I guess. I typed a line on the voldemort site that hit me like a freight train, it was this:
    ""I answered questions honestly, like sometimes I would love a cig, but mostly I am just really relieved all those craves are over - no not the withdrawal...the all day every day craves of being a smoker...that was exhausting! "".
    That is how I feel.
     
    It makes me so happy I can use this to help others though, that is who I am :)
     
    This emotional outburst is sponsered by white wine :) But still true lol and I am so happy I quit and that others will quit by my example well beyond my two man expectations. 5th quit I've inspired?! Man, I must of looked like some real commited smoker before I became a happy non smoker :)
  18. Still winning
    Sometimes, when you least expect it, this quitting malarky ramps itself up a gear.
     
    I was soo upset and angry earlier in the week. I knew I wouldn't smoke, I did think about it read my own answer to an sos (which it wasn't but precautionary). It suddenly felt like an answer from another lifetime. I have cigs in the house, have the whole quit though so not new or a plan, and I thought "I wish it would help, I know it won't, sigh". And just carried on being upset.
     
    Like a non smoker!!
     
    Having a tough week, the natives are restless and ill and very annoying, each in their own right. Zero desire to smoke!
     
    I wonder if it's because my house is safely smoke free now (last quitter has 3 weeks but did smoke here) or whether it's a new faze of this quit.
     
    Comrade wasn't much further then me when he posted he hadn't thought about smoking for a whole day!! I want that!! I won't smoke of course and of that I am positive, no more, never again yada yada. I do think though, oh I would smoke here but I don't smoke so that's not gonna happen... without breath, like it reads lol. I even sniff fresh smoke and think ahhhhh and then "oh 40 of those a day, no thanks" and force myself to crack on.
     
    Please let it be a new faze!!
  19. Still winning
    I don't take failure well. I don't take pointing out or twisting my flaws well.It stillpushes my buttons. Not SOS now but I find it harder when people piss me off. I understand how I gave up a year quit when I feel upset. I won't, cause nothing is worth it but blimey. It's been tough isall.
  20. Still winning
    Ok, so it took an admission through A&E and two ambulance calls, a cist on the kidney and a damaged and over beating heart whilst literally filling up with fluid at 66 years old.... (and breath) ....but she quit.
     
    She will never read this cause "forums aren't her thing, all those do gooders patting each other on the back" apparently?! But still a one week, bootstrap quit. Just cracked on, some whinging but too scared to smoke anymore.
     
    I am still worried but sooo relieved she is at least giving herself a chance to recover a bit here!!
     
    If she can do it, really any one can do it.
     
    On a selfish note, so much nicer not constantly being around smoking. I get it doesn't bother some, it drove me mad!
  21. Still winning
    Goodness my brain has been busy!! It's so different now, the thinking, much easier but still conflicting.
     
    I know for sure I will not smoke, no matter what. 3 Reasons for this.
    1 I want to be a non smoker
    2 I simply cannot do that withdrawal again, never in all my days would I have called myself an addict, until I realized I was an addict.
    3 My fear of smoking now far outweighs my fear of quitting and the random thought neurons I still possess. Reading that back I still run by fear rather than what others say which is you have to not want to smoke more than you want to smoke. Same end game though I think.
     
    My whole life is different from 3 months ago though, and I feel I ought to document that.
    -How annoying was smokers cough and how fabulous is life without it! It had been so long I didn't even know how awful it was
    -I am no longer controlled by impulses that damage my body
    -I really like food! Ironic that I spent that many years eating because I had too but now I eat because it tastes great
    -Financially, a weight has been lifted! £300 per month was no small amount to find
    -If I want to exercise, I can. No more bright red, I just look normal
    -I am building self belief here, I am an advocate of powerful thoughts but now I act in a way that aligns with how I thought
     
    I wish I didn't still have the thoughts of oh I would smoke here, but I do. Where once I felt fear for them, then felt annoyed by them, now I want to smash them into next week. I get angry it still happens, I mean how dare my own brain try and trip me up?! It's my own brain! But I take responsibility that I taught it this is how we work and now I need to re program myself. I continue to do that with reading and watching what smoking does to a person, then imagining that it's me. The horror I feel at someone telling me about Cancerous cells again, or having to tell my children I made myself sick pushes me on where no words ever could or would. I think I will always be scared of the damage I have already done though and that is penance in a way I guess.
     
    So this is how 3 months looks for me. I am ok, much better then I ever thought I would be really, who knew I could actually quit. The thoughts are just thoughts and I have found tools to cope with it. I read with real hope people who say they don't even think about smoking anymore :) Maybe not me though where I have to watch it and breath it 2nd hand every day, maybe I will have to be eternally strong and on guard? I really hope not though.
     
    Still the one comment I made once sticks with me, this is both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done!
     
    But I am free!! There is all kinds of power in this freedom so I will always hold onto it. 3 months and counting.
  22. Still winning
    I feel like I ought to sing a rendition of Elton John's "I'm still standing" and I smile at this. I had so many failures with quits I'm not sure I've fully taken in that I don't smoke. Yet I have, I KNOW and have known for sometime, truth to tell, that I'm done, no more smoking.
     
    I'm not sure of the point of this blog?? lol. So me, I start writing with no idea of the end game. I wish I was one of those together people who always had a plan :)
     
    It's my magic number coming up next though. I'm approaching 3 months. Now the 3's have not worked in my favour to date. It confuses me. At 3 days I stood shaking and sobbing staring out a packet of cigs, I genuinely laughnow but at the time it was dreadful! I danced through two weeks wondering what the drama was, only to get slapped down like biatch at 3 weeks. Idon't think my kitchen floor has ever been so clean as it was on week 3!! Yikes!! But 3 is my lucky number, it's my elusive winning number in the grand scheme of life - but yeah, I hear it's a right old bad time in quits.
     
    Ah whatever, I say bring your worst, I have faced the worst time and time again. If I ever doubt that I only have to walk to the next room in my house and listen to COPD and know, smoking did that. God, what if my girls smoked cause I'd set a precedent that it was ok!! No way, not now not ever.
     
    Today is a good day, I can cope. But even at my weakest I won't smoke, I won't let me - you guys won't let me. I commit myself to a year to this board, I do it on my own blog. I will pay it forward, I will accept the journey feels awesome and troubling, I will not smoke. I still believe we all deserve more.
  23. Still winning
    I know it's not possible of course but it all feels a bit samey at the moment, it feels like time isn't really passing. I just put in June celebrations to the calender, or started too. Put in it will be 3 months for me next month and thought "Jeez, is that all"! I guess this can be taken in a good way. I look at the progress I've made, the limited triggers I now get and that's at 2 months and some but it feels weird and out of whack, like it should be longer, not sure why.
     
    I also look how I define trigger now, once it was attached to a gut wrench feeling, now a crave is all mental and frankly, annoying. I simply say nope and move on most of the time. The harder times are when a smoker wants to smoke and talk to me, I have to watch them smoke and it still makes me think "ahhh, but not for me". When my daughters are away from me, I get restless and that causes some bigger triggers, boredom is still high on my mental chatter list. Posting and distracting myself does work though which is good.
     
    I actually through it all, do not want to smoke anymore. I am done abusing my body that way.
     
    Exercise is fun but maybe this shred thing isn't the way for me. I am a little over-zealous and keep hurting myself lol. I want to do what they do, sadly I'm 38 with less oophf then the body built tv birds :) Oopsy, deep heat on the shoulder again and moving on I will rest today and try once more tomoz. If not I can go back to the other stuff I was enjoying.
     
    I forgot I like to exercise...how did I forget?! I like to feel fit and well and I can't believe my brain tried to hide that from me so I would smoke again? Even hurting I'm thinking this is great! The euphoria I get after exercise definately outweighs the smoking "aahhhhh" which is crave induced.
     
    Overall I think I'm ok but on edge. Not to the place I want to be yet but trucking on. I will know when I get to the elusive "i'm there" I'm sure.
  24. Still winning
    Normally in my dream I say no to smoking. Last night I didn't see me smoke it but I put one smoked all the way through out in an ashtray for my sister to say at that point, hey I thought you gave up. I looked at her and looked at the fag butt and started crying as I hadn't meant to smoke.... woke myself up actually crying.
     
    Our brains are crazy things and I did calm when I realized it wasn't real.
     
    Intense way of reminding myself I do not want to be a smoker and relapse would devastate me. I wonder if this is why we have these dreams as our subconscious way of saying - hey, you don't want to do that. Food for thought.
  25. Still winning

    No wonder!

    By Still winning,

    I'm up and down like a yoyo. The energy is off the scale and I've been to caught up to even look what's going on. You know the problem with quitting smoking...you think everything is about not smoking!! How frikkin annoying that my life has been entering a place that feels much like the toilet, when part of whatI do is understanding how energy influences us - and I missed it. Utter divvy!
     
    First time I've written on my web page since I quit :) I may be more emotional minus cigs but I control more of my destiny then I did before :) Today I have written up the full moon energy and done reiki on bathsalts that I sell. Not ya normal persons Tuesday haha.
     
    I do find this hard. I wish I had some easy peasy, I just have this needs to be done and if this is what it takes then so be it.... but I love that I wrote....and that I can help people sometimes for no reason, other than it feels right.
     
    In case anyone else likes energy work, here is my writing from tonight:
     
    Scorpio full moon May 14th 2014
     
    Scorpio energy is not for the feint hearted. Do or die time my friends! We want to get to the heart of our most painful situation, we want to understand the darker side of everything – you cannot bring light without acknowledging the dark! Bring passion, TRUTH, mysteries of life, a somewhat brutal need to own the situation. Scorpio is strong, I love this energy when I work with it. If I go against it all hell breaks loose though.
     
    The Full Moon is playing OK with Saturn. Saturn is the karma/father of the zodiac. We want an ending here, not a brutal experience. Your lessons should be learned, the answers should be clear. In essence you should realize that it’s ok to be yourself, that there’s power in that and right or wrong does not come into your relationships or life choices.
     
    Somewhere there is a big bang. Then it should settle enough for us to heal it. Scorpio’s are master healers in my humble opinion, not that it’s ever in their write ups. Pain for no purpose is wasted. Understanding and acknowledging a painful situation is the way to heal it and make it better, often it’s a growth pattern for our life journey. Nobody likes a lesson right…but how else are we going to learn who we are, what we want, what we NEED to be whole.
     
    It sounds dramatic doesn’t it, lol, it’s Scorpio – of course it’s dramatic!! Powerful energy circulates and gives us the opportunities that lighter signs don’t. You have the connected Taurus energy on the sun side, bringing a keep us grounded, practical vibe. We are not going to use this energy to dive into the abyss…but maybe we can take a peek into it!
     
    We will learn, we will grow and life is better with understanding of all sides of the story.
     
    Happy full moon in Scorpio!
     
    Love and light.
     
    xx

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QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

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