momobrick

Well you guys all pissed me off, thanks. I was really proud of myself for not smoking a cigarette with nicotine... the herbal cigarette was an absolute last resort that saved me from abandoning my quit all together. How am I doing? Just fine. Haven't smoked at all since my post. Of anything. Been keeping with the gum for now. Just two or three pieces a day. It's working for me. I'm not smoking. I had the ONE herbal cigarette at a time when I would have smoked a real cigarette if the herbal ones hadn't been there. I've got this. You guys are telling me to change my habits with something that's working for me. Why would you do that? I know myself better than all of you, and I'm telling you that the gum works for me. I can't do cold turkey... yet. I'm not ready. But I'm getting there. So if you're going to support me on here and not push me away, then meet me where I'm at, don't tell me I'm doing it wrong and need to change my ways.

Last night was rough. I felt the strongest craving EVER and it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was all I could think about. My husband and I were on a date, and we drank a whole bottle of wine together over dinner, and then we were sitting there talking and BAM. I couldn't focus on what he was saying anymore. All I could think about was "how soon can we leave, so he will have a cigarette, and then I will have a cigarette, and no, I don't care about quitting anymore... I'll just have ONE, it'll be OK. I'll start over again tomorrow.... " and on and on my brain went. Granted, I was pretty damn tipsy. But WOW. All my brain wanted was to smoke. It sucked, big time. I was doing so well, being so strong, not having intense cravings... HA. What a joke. My addiction caught up to me. What happened you ask? I popped a piece of 4 mg nicotine gum at the table to take the edge off. I haven't had one of those in like a week. I have been using the 2 mg gum. But I figured that was better than smoking. It helped, but not enough. I was at least able to concentrate on our conversation and enjoy our date again. When we did leave, my husband light up a cigarette right away as we got into the car like he normally does. But at this point the gum had helped enough for me to recognize that it would be really f-ing stupid for me to smoke. Besides, by this point I had remembered my emergency fall back last resort if all else fails and I am going to do it. I had bought, at the beginning of my last quit, a pack of these herbal cigarettes. They are made mostly of chamomile and some other herbs. Absolutely nothing addictive about them. Not good for you, by any means, you're still inhaling smoke, BUT if I am gonna fall off the wagon, I'm gonna fall off the wagon with those so I'm AT LEAST not smoking real cigarettes with the nicotine which will hook me all over again. I had one of those when we got home. It was not like a real cigarette. It doesn't have the same hit at the back of your throat that real ones do. And there's no buzz. But there was enough of the old familiar routine to calm my brain down and quell the urge to smoke more. Did I fall off the train/wagon? I think that's debatable. I did smoke something, but not the exact thing that would bring my habit back to life. I know myself, and if I had smoked a real cigarette, I would have thrown this whole quit attempt away and gone right back to my normal routine. In my mind, I haven't failed because I didn't do that. I smoked the one herbal cigarette, went to bed, woke up, and didn't have a cigarette craving right away. I'm drinking my coffee now, another huge trigger for me, and I'm still not interested in smoking. My will power is back and my morning routine as a non-smoker is in play. I took my daily NOPE pledge and I plan to stick to it. So for me, one puff is of a real cigarette. I consider the herbal cigarettes a form of NRT, except there's no nicotine in them, so I don't know what to call them.

NOPE today!

I had a dream about smoking last night. My roommates, husband and I were on the back patio. They were smoking, but I had quit (just like in real life). But then, for some reason, I decided to smoke, and as I took that first drag and felt the smoke go into my lungs I felt two things: 1) I felt how much I enjoy smoking. That will never change. I will always enjoy it. But that doesn't mean I will do it, just because it's something I like. Because 2) I also felt the worst disappointment of my life for getting through 17 days and then giving up all that hard work to cave in and smoke again. I felt horrible, hollow, so disgusted and repulsed by my lack of will power and respect for my health and my body. And that's how I know I'm really quit. I will NOT allow myself that feeling in real life. It was terrible! I woke up so relieved it was just a dream and not real.

Nope!!

NOPE

NOPE!!

Thanks everyone!! I will post pics after the wedding!!

My vision gets weird when I go through withdrawal. It gets fuzzy around the edges, almost like my eyes are buzzing. It's a very weird feeling, and hard to describe. But for me, yes, it definitely messes with my vision.

I can't believe it's been two weeks already. It feels like a simultaneously short and long time. I've been doing really well with coping with cravings. They haven't been horrible, and when I do get to the point where all I can think about is smoking, I chew some nicotine gum, and I'm good. I'm chewing 2 to 3 pieces a day. That's it. I think this will probably be my routine for the near future, and then I'll start cutting down on the gum slowly. I can totally do this. What am I saying, I am doing this! And I feel good!! I've been working out every day, and eating better now. I majorly pigged out last week. I didn't care. Anything edible... yeah, I ate it. And I loved every bite. Whatever, I wasn't smoking! However, this week, it's a different story. I'm getting married to my husband next Friday and my dress is super tight. Like, I can't take a deep breath or sit down tight. Oh, and it's kinda a long story, but basically we eloped, didn't tell anyone, and are having what people think is our real wedding next Friday. And, in a way, it is our real wedding. The legal piece of paper has already been signed, but that's the marriage side of it. I see them as separate things, the marriage and the wedding. This is our wedding—our ceremony where we pledge ourselves to each other in front of all our friends and family, and then we celebrate! That was another reason why I wanted to quit. My family doesn't know that I smoked so I didn't want to try to hide from them that day to smoke a cigarette. And now I don't have to! So yeah, things are good. I've got a sustainable routine down, I'm working out and eating right, and I have things to look forward to. Yay!!

13 days now, and I just got through my second weekend as a non-smoker! The weekend is the hardest because that's when there's the most free time. My old routine was to sit on the back patio in the morning with my husband and roommates. We would spend a couple hours sitting out there drinking coffee, smoking and talking together. I really enjoyed that. I've sat out there with them a bit since quitting, but it's not the same. I get bored and I watch them smoke and I think to myself "this is a waste of time." So I get up and do other things. It's lonely. I do stuff around the house instead, by myself, while they sit outside and enjoy the weather and hang out. I'm jealous of that. I feel like I'm working more, while they just veg and enjoy their cigarettes. It's making me bitter towards them. But that's about the worst of it, in terms of routines that I've had to change and the outcomes of those changes. I'll get over it. One of the best routine changes I've made is to go for a walk after meals rather than having a cigarette. I never liked smoking while walking, so by taking a walk after I eat, it overpowers my urge to smoke, and it helps with digestion too, lol. My step-kids have been joining me for my walks, which is pretty cool. What's amazed me through all of this is the willpower that's come out of nowhere and has stayed with me. I remain steadfast in my commitment to not smoking. I almost always give in to myself in other situations in my life. I have no idea why this is happening, but I am so grateful for my continued resolve.

It's day 10 smoke free. I know it's not a long time yet, but in just 10 short days... who am I kidding, these were the LONGEST 10 days of my life. Anyways, in just 10 blank days, I've coped with a lot of emotions, moods, sensations, etc. Both good and bad. It hasn't all been horrible, but some of it was definitely was. I know I am not done yet, but I feel like I am over a hump for some reason. I started with the patch and gum as a safety net to get me through while I dealt with burying old habits and creating new ones. Day 8, I ripped the patch off on a whim and got through the rest of the day with just gum. Day 9 was my first day with just gum, and I only chewed 2 pieces of the 2 mg gum all day. Today, I've had 2 pieces of gum, and I'll probably have one more after dinner because that was my all time favorite time to smoke and it's the hardest craving to get through. Well, that and the morning cigarette with coffee. I will always miss those. I was so worried about depression based on my last quit attempt and subsequent failure. I am so happy that's not as much of a factor this time. I'm either really well prepared this time, or the sunshine is making all the difference in my mood. I think it's both. I have a lot to look forward to right now, compared to during the dead of winter when there's nothing going on and you smoke more out of boredom than anything else. I feel like a non-smoker. I can breathe again! I can sing, which I do, loudly, while I commute to and from work. I'm sure passer-bys are very amused by this. I don't care. My resolve remains steadfast. It's not easy, but it's doable. I love his Quit Train community. They have embraced me and helped so much, they don't even know. I don't have much support at home and I'm still around smoking all the time there. So having these people online to reach out to has made all the difference. Onward!

That is terrifying! I sent the shorter video to my husband and roommates. They smoke, but have been thinking about quitting since I have. I told them it's some motivation for them. One of my roommates is going to quit on Monday, actually.

Well thank you all for permission to pig out... which I totally did today. I only feel moderately guilty about it (as I take the last bite of my donut ;) One day of gluttony is OK, in my opinion. I just can't do this every day. And I did work out at lunch too, so I attempted to offset it at least a little bit. But, I did not smoke!!!!! And I am REALLY full now. :bad:

I am so. hungry. today. I'm positive this is my brain trying to fill the void where cigarettes used to be. I don't usually think about food this much. I'm thinking about food more than cigarettes! How unexpected. Do I give in and eat a ton of food, telling myself at least I'm not smoking? Or do I resist these food cravings as well as cigarette cravings? Anyone else experience this?