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Such a brave post. I can well understand why you feel it most intensely around the anniversary of your mum's passing and I feel for you. No mask can lift the kind of depression you talk about. Please consider seeking additional help with the depression. There are many ways in which this can be helped. You should be proud of yourself for the care and love you provided to your mum. Regardless of her illness, I'm certain she would have appreciated that warmth and affection and she would have known how much she was loved as she faced her final days. What a brave person you are. Don't be too brave though, nobody should face this alone. Mental health is important and for a multitude of reasons 1 in 4 of us these days suffer with mental illness in some way. When you are ready find the support you deserve. Happy to talk to you here or in messanger if that would help. Be kind to yourself!

Some years ago, i was very depressed, cut my arm and what not. What i did besides medication was lots of walking, eating healthy and sleeping 8 hours a day. And trying to stay positive and active, thats important. So, do you have any hobby? Maybe you like reading, how about you start reading some cheerful books? Just an example. The more you think about depression the more depressed you feel. The mind has a way of controlling everything, placebo ect, so keep fighting your inner dialogue and you should come out on the other side ok. Theres no incurable depression. I know a mother who lost a son, she was devastated for months, maybe years, but now she leads a normal life. Time cures all wounds. Give your inner warrior a chance to shine!

I'm happy you took the time to reason things out properly Kate because that's very important! Our minds play tricks on us when there's an addiction involved. Our mind suggests relief from our struggle will be the reward if we give in and light up but that is just a lie. The truth is, we will be back in chains again, a slave to this addiction that brings nothing but misery and even death. Many have come to this realization too late - AFTER they went and bough that pack and lit one up! Stay strong because you are really doing a great job and this post proves you know how to rationalize the pros and cons of smoking. That's a very useful tool to have at your disposal going forward!

Good on you Kate, writing about it is also catharsis, and you've done that effectively here. Stay strong, one stinky stupid smoke isn't worth you giving up your quit.

I don't know if any of us have a responsibility to anyone other than ourselves; once we make that commitment to quit. We end up helping others just by participating here whether we know it or not. You are also doing this now. Also, don't forget to think about the 14 days (and counting) of hard work you have put in to date next time you start romancing the cigarette and your smoking past history because .... it IS past history now. You can't afford to make it your current situation again .... trust me on that one. You have already made your choice and that is the best choice you can possibly make for yourself - you're smoke-free!

Well done Kate. Do as many SOSs as possible, we´re here for you. You can send me a PM if you like, i will cheer you up. Oh, and dont smoke! You´re doing fine; when it comes to quitting smoking the endurance you go through is always justificable if you manage to quit smoking. Even if you climb walls, it was worth it. So go ahead lad!

Thank you for sharing this part of you oldy. I hope that putting it down in writing will help you find the happiness that each of us deserves...