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Defeat after defeat



Its getting old. I start off doiing well, totally committed then sooner or later my internal two year old throws a temper tantrum, demanding I feed the addiction and I ignore all the things I know about addiction, nicotine and all the reasons I want to quit....and I smoke, then I feel bad about myself, then I get the "eff its" and buy a pack. I have literally no money to spare at the moment, no way to get to the store today, and a patch on so unless I figure out some kind of bull$&# witchcraft magic there is no way I'm getting any cigs. So I'm pretty safe. My addiction is fighting my reason though because I go back and forth between angry about this and happy about it. I want to quit but at the same time I don't. But I have to. Soon the joy of the quit will come, I know it will.

During my last significant quit I remember realizing how much better I could smell...smelling flowers from a distance that I could never smell them before, and I kept telling my partner at the time "I am soooo grateful I quit!" "I'm so happy I quit"  "why didnt I do this years ago?"  All it took was some extreme anger, poor coping skills and one bad decision and I was back on nicotine. That was about 5-6 years ago. Time to stop the madness before I get sick...thats my biggest fear is how much damage have I done to my body,  how many years did I shave off my life, am I now doomed to only live another ten years instead of thirty, and will I get a smoking related disease? Yet the fear has yet to be inspirational to quit, its been something to hide from and not think about. That is illogical. Time to face it and be done with nicotine.


I am wearing a patch, when I really don't want to, because I've had literally zero chance without one so far. I am trying very hard to be patient with myself.


Yours in Madness, Fear and Frustration,



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What a good, honest post Michelle. Yes it is the two year old throwing a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. Ask yourself, would that two year old get what she wants if you knew it was going to hurt or kill her? The answer is no. Practice self discipline just like you did with your other addictions and you will succeed. None of us are special, well except me maybe  😜

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Michelle, I did not think I could stop unless I was put in a coma for a year.  The addiction is brutal, but you know that.  This forum was the miracle for me.  You have not tried the SOS before you caved.  We are here to help you through the difficult days and to share our experiences.  We so want you to be able to be free and feel the wonderful benefits of life without nicotine.  

I was so depressed and ashamed that I could not quit.  I now look back over this past year and I have gained so much power and self esteem.  

You are strong enough to push through those craves.  Let's get this quit going!!!!!!!

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I hear you there, Linda. I'm so stubborn that when the crave gets bad enough I make that conscious decision to smoke so i don't post on the SOS because I've already made that decision. The trick for me is going to be to post in the SOS board the second I start to crave, before I've made that decision.


  1. I really don't like wearing a patch but I honestly don't believe I stand a chance trying to go cold turkey this time around. The last two times I went cold turkey it was fairly easy. This time is much harder

huh. Why did it put a "1." before the last sentence? LOL

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Your comments resonate with me, Michelle, and remind me of how I felt during my failed quits of the late 90's and early 00's.  In my case, I decided to change my approach pretty dramatically as a result.  I decided that I needed an alternative--something that, when those inevitable moments of weakness and vulnerability emerged, there'd be a final line of defense to protect me and my quit.  For me, that was my new health and fitness persona:  thus, when I started my new (and final, lifetime) quit, I made substantial changes to diet and exercise.  This gave me positive things on which to focus and do, and, crucially, when I had those inevitable moments when the quit was in jeopardy, the act of smoking just seemed fundamentally inconsistent with this new persona I was cultivating.  And this new persona mattered to me.  I'll admit that it was a big commitment (daily exercise, whole new diet), but I'm pretty convinced that this approach was crucial in my being able to maintain the quit in that critical first year or so.  


That was just my approach; the broader point I'd make is that if you've had serial failures, consider doing something very, very different.  It worked for me.  



17 1/2 Years Quit

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Thank you for sharing Christian! I'm embarrassed to admit that about ten years ago I started jogging. After my jog I'd light a cig. Madness. Insanity. And I knew it but I was at that time unable to stop. This time around I have drastically changed my diet so its  very cool you suggested doing the same thing. I can only exercise a little, as my mobility is severely limited due to the need for major surgery but I hope to get in with a physical therapist soon and ask them to tell me what exercises I *can* safely do. Sounds like I'm on the right track since it worked for you! 17.5 years quit...that is AMAZING. I'll follow in your footsteps!!!

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