Its getting old. I start off doiing well, totally committed then sooner or later my internal two year old throws a temper tantrum, demanding I feed the addiction and I ignore all the things I know about addiction, nicotine and all the reasons I want to quit....and I smoke, then I feel bad about myself, then I get the "eff its" and buy a pack. I have literally no money to spare at the moment, no way to get to the store today, and a patch on so unless I figure out some kind of bull$&# witchcraft magic there is no way I'm getting any cigs. So I'm pretty safe. My addiction is fighting my reason though because I go back and forth between angry about this and happy about it. I want to quit but at the same time I don't. But I have to. Soon the joy of the quit will come, I know it will.
During my last significant quit I remember realizing how much better I could smell...smelling flowers from a distance that I could never smell them before, and I kept telling my partner at the time "I am soooo grateful I quit!" "I'm so happy I quit" "why didnt I do this years ago?" All it took was some extreme anger, poor coping skills and one bad decision and I was back on nicotine. That was about 5-6 years ago. Time to stop the madness before I get sick...thats my biggest fear is how much damage have I done to my body, how many years did I shave off my life, am I now doomed to only live another ten years instead of thirty, and will I get a smoking related disease? Yet the fear has yet to be inspirational to quit, its been something to hide from and not think about. That is illogical. Time to face it and be done with nicotine.
I am wearing a patch, when I really don't want to, because I've had literally zero chance without one so far. I am trying very hard to be patient with myself.
Yours in Madness, Fear and Frustration,