After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What the heck does that mean?" He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot". She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

This is new 😁

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, 

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,

checked his weight, and being a little concerned,

asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and

rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma,

but I'm glad I came.'

Sign on a florists 

 

 

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.  

  Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.  

  In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.  

  The lawyer sued, and WON!  Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.  

  Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".  

  After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

A farmer had three daughters, all young and very pretty. He guarded them with a shotgun.

Friday night came and he heard a knock at the door. The farmer answered with his gun. A young man in suit and tie stood there with flowers.

The farmer exclaimed “What do you want boy?"

The young man replied “ Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?"

The farmer laughed and said" You are a clever young man!"

Eddie replied” We rhyme. all the time!".

"Well come in, Betty will be ready to go soon."

A second knock at the door. The farmer again answers with his gun. Another well dressed man stood there with flowers.

The farmer exclaimed, “Young man what do you want? “

The young man sheepishly answered " Hello, my name is Joe I'm here for Flo, I would like to take her to a show, may she go?

The farmer laughed and said" you are a clever young man."

Joe said” We rhyme. all the time!"

"Come on in Flo will be ready to go real soon!"

A third knock at the door. The farmer again answers with his gun. Another well dressed man stood there with flowers. The farmer exclaimed, “Young man what do you want? “

The young man said“Hi my name's Chuck. “

The farmer shot him.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you
get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with
hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper
thing to do.."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --silence--
HUSBAND: "Shit."