Took a bath

 

Every kitchen should 

Have someone who can actually cook.

 

I was watching TV when

… the emergency alert system came on. 
 

It warned viewers that a pack of marauding kangaroos…

Were jumping neighborhood fences in search of fruit.

 

My dog was so smart she

… set up a kangaroo-catching trap.

 

But instead of capturing kangaroos it…

she trapped herself in it somehow.

 

To make matters worse

…the kangaroos had fleas.

 

To get rid of them we had to…

Call the customer service number of Advantage to see if that would work on them or we could just

Shampoo the kangaroos.

That could lead to

A very mad kangaroo.

 

I guess we'll just have to

Eat ice cream.

 

Oh damn, I wish I could’ve…

Eaten a whole gallon but then I would

Shit my pants…and that would mean…

I'd have to somehow change my underwear without getting it all over my legs.

Just thinking about it

…has convinced me that it’s way better to go commando.

Except I worry that…

 

If I shit my pants without underwear there will be nothing to catch it in.

 

I'm going to have to ask you to

….put down the Cheese Whiz before someone gets hurt.

 

Regardless of the weather…

The dog has to go out to pee and poop

 

A couple years ago 

… I thought I needed a new hobby.

 

So I tried…

Miniature room craft kits. Although I keep….

Getting frustrated by how hard it is to crochet a miniature scarf

 

Maybe a better hobby would be

Building rubber band balls. Hey have you ever heard of..

… a home remedy for itchy elbows?  I ask because…

When your nose itches it means you're coming into money so itchy elbows must be something good.

 

I'm pretty sure that

… putting calamari on itches gives you relief. Or is it calamine that…