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Death In The West - The Marlboro Story (Full Documentary)

darcy

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Blog Entries posted by darcy

  1. darcy

    28 march

    By darcy,

    Scootin' down the track.  Grateful for the freedom and taking each day as a gift.
     
    I really am concerned (yet, do not seem motivated to DO anything about it)  that my quit is only as good as my best day and  the choice to remain at home (vs. risking virus laden gas station).  I am not having deep overwhelming cravings, I am not roller-coastering on emotion,  for these gifts I am grateful.    The junkie thinking is here.
          think again, get right with myself, call an ally, post an sos
    As the covid -19 virus ramps up in my community (and so many others) ... I hope that I am solid in my quit if someone close to me becomes gravely ill.
                                       think again, get right with myself, call an ally, post an sos
       The way the virus kills is terrifying to me.   you'd think I'd keep the same thoughts close about smoking.  because that is true, too.
     
    Happy to spend time with my marvelous man. happy to walk with my cat. happy to plant seeds.
    noticing how my breathing is rarely painful. noticing that I am able to increase my heart rate and feel less winded. noticing I am less aware of how my breath smells (not sure that's a good thing).
    need to take more breaks outside,  haven't just sat outside since i quit.
    big emotions swirling around, Mom's bday is tomorrow. glad she has friend to celebrate with.
     
    the surrealness of so many being on lockdown, the horror the health care folks and those that are seriously ill are experiencing, my complete amazement(?) at national leadership....just want to cry.
    tired, tired, tired...taking otc sleep/pain stuff for last few days....s  l  o  w.
     
    NOPE.

  2. darcy
    Spent most of yesterday reading aloud to my marvelous man.  We were tending to burn piles on the property.  Lovely spring day for it.  Saw a white squirrel. First time I have ever seen one.  
    I seem to be grumpy and dumpy... declaring aloud often , " I do not smoke."  
    Have stuck with exercise challenge (2 specific exercises) for 6 days. 
    Limiting news intake.
    Eating more than my share.
    Have had chronic pain in my neck for several months. It feels as if steel bands have been installed and I have a very limited range of motion with my head.   Some evenings I take PM ibuprofen and am very groggy the next morning into the day.
     
    Am feeling very' meh' in all things today.  Am reticent in getting myself either out the door to walk with the cat or into the shower.   
     
    grateful for...
    my digits - fingers that caress, pinch, grasp, hold, speak ASL, type, bathe, chop, paint, massage and toes that balance, stretch, wiggle, walk, dance
    healthy skeleton - teeth, jaw, spine, pelvis, clavical, cranium, ankles and wrists and all other skeletal pieces because a sturdy frame affords me strength of movement
    muscles - because they hold me together and allow me to lift, move, bend, carry, speak, eat,  push and pull with ease
    healthy organs - because  my digestion/elimination flows easily, my blood flows freely, oxygen circulates smoothly, my senses inform me of the physical environment
    the health of those I hold dear - because they are easily thriving
    my cats, Mani and Poof, - because they bring deep comfort, joy and a fair amount of silliness to life
    My marvelous man - because my needs to love and be loved are met, and he is really punny.... which leads to much laughter and groaning
    a beautiful nourishing home - because it feeds & frees my soul to live in the woods and have a sturdy house with many amenities that make life easy (w/d, dw, air/heat, plumbing, fridge, 2 bathrooms, garages) ... we've come a long way baby! lol
    knowing that things change - because this grumpy dumpy feeling and lethargy will not last forever; nor will the rapid spread of this virus or the stay at home directive  (which when I think about it is ironic, as I have sometimes  wished I could just hang out at home ... be specific when putting out there what you want... hang out at home (doing/creating art, playing with the pets, creating gardens, fishing, enjoying the company of family and friends), with full income and no one being ill due to a pandemic or other contagion or catastrophic event
    Freedom from smoking - because I am not a slave to an active nicotine addiction.... 16 plus days without any nicotine entering my body....  
    quit train - because "we all need a hand to hold onto"
     
    I am tired and ..... smoke free.  Wow!  head/habit aspects of addiction lurking and popping up  ... nope, nope, nope.                                                       find ways to thrive people!
  3. darcy

    25 march - 14 days free

    By darcy,

    Wow! I really don't know how it's been 14 days already.
     
    Body inventory:
    no pain in lungs when breathing
    taste and smell things  in  HD  - really enjoying the scent of woodlands in the rain
    ear and throat irritation - allergies, covid-19, healing -  may never know for certain
    tired - not sleeping too well lately, and hey, who is?
     
    a bit more than a bit concerned that I am not doing the things that support a sturdy quit.... pre posting a current SOS for myself, refreshing my knowledge and understanding of addiction, etc
    not really acknowledging my quit... unless I'm off the hook about something and craving....
                          lack of appreciation and maintenance   ... danger... warning  
     
    Feeling great today. Haven't intentionally watched news in over 24 hours, pretty sure that has something to do with my spirits.  
    did not get to have my island picnic last night.... I was too grumpy and tired by the time we returned to the house.
    My guy is on edge ... every cough, throat itch, etc is magnified for him right now.  Deeply grateful we seem to be on opposite freak out/sadness schedules.  Makes it easier, I think, to hold space for each other.  Neither of us has had much contact with other people at all in the last 3 weeks. however people do come on site for work and servicing equipment.  Our state, Minnesota, is not on "safer at home" strategy now, yet.  oops, typed too soon...breaking radio news we will practice "safer at home" 3/27 - 4/11.   does that change what I am already doing?   no.  carry on.  
     
                                                                              grateful for ....
            quit train and the people and resources here
                         being ambulatory and balanced (mostly...)
         relationships that nourish my heart, mind and soul
                                             14 days of freedom from smoking...and the rest of my life
         walking in the woods in the spring rain
                         nourishing thoughts, words, choices, intentions, actions, environments
            laughter, silliness
                                     learning to dance with my marvelous man...pretty sure we're not doing the         box step correctly, and really don't care because I get to dance with the love of my life
                                                lifelong friends/family who know me well  - and still love me!
    my senses because I experience some marvelous things with each of them....really appreciating birdsong right now
     
       just a random dancing bird image....not yet seen with my own peepers
     
    purposely chose a font size that shouted my gratitudes....apologies, if I hurt your eyes.   ha ha
     
                                
     
     
     
     
  4. darcy

    24 march

    By darcy,

    just staying connected.
    I have been grumpy and whiny....in my own head and to myself.    Yesterday was great.  Did some exercise. NOPEd when I craved.  Spoke with many people I care about.
    Today I am on an eating binge.  second breakfast anyone?  with a side of snacks.  Already prepping and planning dinner. 
    Didn't sleep well last night.  Up planning my outing outfit.  Not planning on going off property for the foreseeable future, but still getting some pleasure and laughs from planning my germ free outing wear.  Kind of steampunk version ... may as well have some fun and really commit to the germ free experience.
     
    Grateful for so much:
    FREEDOM from smoking
    safe place to live
    hearing the voices of those I love.... laughter
    health - it keeps me thriving
    nourishing relationships, choices, environments
    seeds, soil and spring
    wealth and abundance flowing freely in all domains (physical, cognitive, spiritual, material, financial, emotional, and al the others)
    my marvelous man ... and our life together.
    thank you, thank you, thank you
     
      hope to be dancing in the streets soon.... I will seize the chance when it comes...
  6. darcy
    Grateful for the choice to quit smoking and the ease (99% of the time) of the transition.  In the past (many attempts over many years) this has not been my experience.
    Only one wildly out of control craving and I am still here....free.
    I am having trouble sleeping and the last few days more cravings than I have had.
    Circumstances of the world likely influencing my sleep.
    Hadn't been off property in over a week until today.  Went out to just ride around and see what the pulse of the nearest towns felt like.
       strange times....  I worry deeply about older (any age really) folks who aren't tech savvy (or who don't have the tech) and how they can remain connected vs. watching TV and listening to radio
     
    Really concerned about my own mom.  She's a high risk person and just indicated to me that she wants to accept a position at her local grocery store working the phones.  I understand wanting to give back.  I understand doing something feels good mentally, ethically and physically.  I want my mom to follow her heart.   I want my mom, when her time comes, to pass peacefully.  The current statistics for that don't look good.    I do not smoke..  NOPE    I do not smoke.
     
    Grateful for staying in close touch with many people I normally speak to infrequently.   Grateful for humour and kindness and having a safe secure place to live.
     
    Feel a pressing need and desire for information with no way to find it where I'd trust the source....
           what are all the tanks doing in CA and near TX?
           is there and , if so, what is the large fire near Wu Han?
           why does it seem the U.S. is slow on the uptake here,... intentional?  Why?
           what happens to the folks currently using their retirement funds  to live when they are " sinking like the Titanic"?
    I do not smoke.  NOPE   NOPE   NOPE    I do not smoke.
     
    Delighted to have my most marvelous man to share life with.  My two cats.   Starting my garden.   All needs met and many wants, too. 
    And I am FREE.
          
        
     
     
  7. darcy

    19 march

    By darcy,

    Attempting something new...starting a journal type blog...or something ...lol
     
    Hello Everyone,
    Made it through yesterday with my seat on the train intact.  Wasn't sure that was going to be the case for awhile.
    Was in an emotional upheaval and down on myself for not showing up for people how I would hope to if being a kind thoughtful person.  I have a tendency toward self recrimination that is probably diagnosable somehow.  I lean toward hurting myself harder, if I perceive (or know) I have hurt others.  Awareness of the pattern is only helpful sometimes. Yesterday it was not. 
    Solution - intentional, aware acts of love and kindness
     
    Still have the lingering 'I have already relapsed" in my head.  I have not put anything in my mouth and lit it on fire.....and..... Klaxon bells sounding....faintly
    Oddly, I have something tangible to be grateful for around this covid-19 situation.  Should I choose to buy cigarettes, I will be putting vulnerable people in my home in harms way.  See above cycle of guilt and remorse and solution.
     
    This drama played out just before and during lunch.  I reluctantly (junkie brain screaming and wheedling....still jumping up and down waving hands or  giving my the sly sideways look of '
    you already did it in your head - just run to the gas station before day break....very few people out right now......etc.  me: typing and  la la laing in my head) chose to go to work with my guy and read to him while he worked for the remainder of the day. 
     
    When it started it wasn't even a craving.  Just the guilt for how I had treated someone I love in this time of bizarre horror and fear.  It morphed into a HUGE craving [as stressful situations were PREVIOUSLY (take that junkie) always navigated with killing myself one breath at time] and verbal emotional turmoil way beyond the reasonable response to the situation at hand.   it was still hanging with me by the end of the day and I was wiped out.  Still feeling wiped out.
    I am certain some of this has to do with circumstances of the world and am grateful I made it through (am I? - shut the  f up junkie) with my seat.
    I did not post here because I am not savvy enough to utilize my phone to do it and chose to go with my guy.
    Yesterday Doreeen and Sazerac were encouraging me to protect my quit.  Not sure how to do that when I choose to lose it like that.   Any excuse will do...
     
    Wobbly, drained and smoke free......
     
     
    Appreciation and relief for all those who posted  a response to my original post of this in  a thread....

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