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Everything posted by MichelleDoesntSmokeAnymore

  1. I confided in jillar that I relapsed and she encouraged me to post. I am so embarrassed I was going to slink away and find another support board to use but I really really like you guys and want to stay here... Everything you guys told me came true. "one" lead to "another" and soon I was buying a pack. I should have known. Its the same with other substances. You lose sight of the fact that every other time you've been unable to control it and stop again, even though its happened umpteen times. And it happens yet again. Then you snap out of it, come to your senses and realize that you've given in to the insanity yet AGAIN and start over. In the end, I am the only one who can use my tools, read my pre-SOS post or reach out for help and sometimes I block everything out because all I can think of is how good that cigarette will be. But its not! Its going to kill me!! I know you all know this pattern but I needed to type it out. I'm starting to lose hope for myself even though I know I WANT to quit. I saw my doctor today and though I got good news that I'm not pre-diabbetic anymore due to my positive lifestyle changes YAY, my cholestorol is up and I know smoking has a direct impact on cholestorol. I came home, did an upper body workout (can't do lower body because of my knees). I will spend the rest of the day on the board. Please don't be too tough on me. I'm so embarrassed.
  2. I absolutely adore vaping. If it wasn't life threatening I would still be vaping. But it is. And people are lead to believe its safer than smoking. And kids love it. All of which means that though I love everything about it, its evil and I wish it had never been invented.... for everyone's sake, not just mine
  3. I agree with you Sazerac about not putting any nicotine in my body but I haven't managed to quit despite multiple tries so I thought it better to wean off nicotine than keep smoking. I have moments of doubt if I'm doing the right thing. Will consider more tomorrow. The for the reply!
  4. I am so very sorry. Its terrifying that she was quit years before she was diagnosed....
  5. Thank you so much everyone. The support I get here is truly amazing. I did okay! We even went out for frozen yogurt after the meeting.... Which was great considering its 9:30pm and still in the 80s. Oy....summer in Sacramento....
  6. Thank you all. I'm still having monster cravings even with my patch on so I'm seriously considering taking it off. At least its just nicotine, not all the nasty chemicals that are in cigarettes but I keep thinking that as long as I'm wearing it, it means nothing to read the inspirational "how your body heals timeline". IDK. I feel like I need to be in a better place mentally before I make that decision so I'll think about it tomorrow.
  7. Thank you guys. Nothing I've tried has helped so far but I'll try the things you mentioned. It will pass. It will. I know it will cuz I've quit before. Its crazy that this is so hard. Addiction is horrific. Wow...Jillar has three years and LInda has almost a year...amazing. You ladies are an inspiration! As far as the meeting I'm taking a friend who quit four years ago, as family is unavailable so hopefully that will help.
  8. Despite the patch I'm wearing, the cravings just keep coming and coming today. I should just take it off and go cold turkey, its so bad. I almost didnt post this because I thought no one can tell me something that I don't already know, as far as why I shouldn't try to have "just one". I made it through my noon recovery meeting without bumming one from someone and was so proud of myself....I'm going to another one this evening and I started thinking maybe I can bum "just one". I can't afford to buy any, not even one pack because I'm living with my nonsmoking family and have no income until I can get back to work after my surgery so I couldn't buy a pack anyway. I have literally NO money. But I keep thinking just one just one just one. Why put myself through that? I'm past 24 hours which is the farthest I've gotten into a quit in a while now. I don't want to lose that. I'm craving the other substance I used while in active addiction, I'm craving smoking and vaping...the only thing I'm not craving is alcohol. I want to smoke but I don't want to smoke. It will pass I know and I'll be glad I made it through but right now its just soooo bad.
  9. "Quitting smoking is not hard. In fact, the whole process is quite enjoyable if we only focus on the benefits of being a non-smoker. There is no need to focus on anything else because we’re not giving anything up. We’re not missing out. The cravings come and go and soon will be gone forever." I agree with everything in this statement, with the exception of "Quitting smoking is not hard". I find it extremely hard. If it was not hard, more people would have successful quits. The trick is to remember the rest of this quote. Whats your take?
  10. Thats actually a big help...I used a medium sized straw for a while last time. Who cares if it looks silly...and it probably doesn't because I think most people know its a substitute for a cig. I'm a sneaky person...if I decide I want to smoke I will actually insist on going somewhere alone...sometimes when I make the decision to smoke, the barriers I put down for myself go out the window. Its like...I can put all these barriers up but I have the power to take them down if I want to smoke. Thats why its so critical to remember why I want to smoke and honor that commitment to myself. Must remember that.
  11. Vaping is so popular that I expect a mass exodus from San Francisco once this goes into effect lol
  12. I know this is an old thread but I'm replying anyway I vaped for three years before this latest quit and loved it. The scary thing is though that its a recent enough "invention" that there hasn't been enough research on its effects. My personal opinion is that even if you vape 0 nicotine juice, you are still inhaling the vapor from the juice, which can't be good. And we don't know the long term effects of vaping. I have heard that popcorn lung is a consequence. My grandfather had that and it sounded terrible. I had the popcorn sound now and then when I was smoking. With vaping you lose the smokers cough and the rattling and wheezing and I think thats why some people think its safer than smoking. I'm so glad I am quitting.
  13. I wouldn't kneel down and suck on a car's tailpipe. I hold my breath when I walk through a cloud of exhaust. Probably safer than smoking or vaping.
  14. It was horrific lol. But it passed. I'm still wearing a patch. I can sleep with them on as long as I put them on in the early afternoon instead of evening. It does help during the day though. Its just that mornings are my strongest craving. But I've been up for an hour and haven't seriously thought of smoking. Yay. I'm going to one of my recovery meetings at noon where many people smoke and its sort of "normalized" but I'll be with a nonsmoking family member so I won't be tempted to bum one. I'll do my best to remember why I'm quitting, look at smoking as something horrible and destructive that endangers my life instead of romancing it. Thats what it will take when I'm at a meeting. Its NOT okay, its NOT "normal", its NOT something that I do because everyone else is doing it, I will NOT push down the fear and knowledge that I'm endangering my life. I will remember why I'm doing this, and so will ya'll!
  15. Confession: I was a closet smoker most of my life. That fact causes a lot of guilt but now that I'm quitting I can let it go.
  16. I'M STILL HERE YOU GUYS!! NOPE NOPE NOPE. I'm glad you are all here too. Have a Nope-y day!
  17. Thanks. My doctor is the ones who gave me the NRTs. I have a physical scheduled for Monday and I can't wait to tell her I haven't smoked! I'm fairly certain I'm okay right now, its future stuff I worry about and how long I've shaved off my life expectency. But look at us now...we are reversing the damage (hopefully) and adding years back onto our lives (hopefully). Even if not, our quality of life will be better.
  18. Is anyone in or near Sacramento, CA?
  19. Thank you Linda. I hope it does. I wish I'd never read that it takes 10-15 years of being quit before your risk of cancer returns to that of someone who never smoked. I used that for so many years to say "well I'm already $(#-ed so I might as well not even try" but I'm not doing that anymore because the 10-15 years are going to pass anyway, right? So what am I going to do with them? Continue to smoke and possibly die as a result of it, or begin to heal? Still, it keeps me up at night. I will have faith that it will get easier to not stew in it. Thank you!

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