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Jillar - I never even thought of that!! See - you people just rock with the ideas! I might not be able to walk the dogs (the heat is really bad) but it doesn't mean that I couldn't help in some of the other areas where there need a volunteer! Answer the phones or help with paper work or intake stuff. I will definitely check w/my Dr's 1st to see if that's ok even for just a few small hours a day! I think the biggest danger is me being a HUGH SOFTIE and accidently brining a new one home and saying BUT IT FOLLOWED ME!! . There was a time where I had sooo many animals people thought I was crazy. 3 ferrets, 3 cats and 2 dogs all at once! Now I was in my 20's at the time so it was much easier - but it all worked out and I loved every minute of it. My ex-husband was a tree surgeon so I've also raised baby squirrels and birds (I'm talking straight naked from the nest). The only thing he would not let me raise were the racoons which of course was the VERY thing I wanted to do!! I think the most 'exotic' pet I've had were sugar gliders - nocturnal but very cool! They even 'bark' and make this little noise that reminded me of a Pikachu character. Whoa - talk about going down memory lane! But on the bright side of things this AM - I slept til 4:15am! I didn't go to bed until almost midnight but I didn't wake up in between like normal so it feels like a full nights sleep almost. Ahhh yes! But the dreams are always strange, this time one of the tech's or Dr's had food poison and had thrown up all over my lab work. I just remember in the dream them telling me 'had it been just one more day' then I would have ended up with it and everything would have to be pushed back. More of a nightmare than a dream, but at least I was able to wake up from that! Also I don't feel that anxious this AM either - the need to wash that last dish I had or wipe down the counter just because. Very nice indeed. Just a small cup of coffee for comfort before I start my day. Also now that my steroid intake has been cut in 1/2 for the past week I don't feel as hungry as I used to. Before I was eating constantly and now it's tapered off enough it's a bit of a regular eating schedule of just good healthy foods. Also those steroids have their other 'side effects' that I've been taking Colace for so I have that bloated UGH feeling going on as I literally 'sit and wait' lol. So if nothing happens by today I will bring it up tomorrow with them just as a side note. Also they did mention if they were to cut back on any medication it would be that trial drug Memantine. It's not mandatory for me to take since it's a 'trial' non FDA approved so I need to do a bit more research on that before I think of upping the next dose as scheduled. The side effects only list dizziness and caution while driving - but again something I want to dig a little deeper into 1st before deciding. No big plans for today yet so we shall see where the morning takes us (with my wallet at home!). My mom is very active at the senior center and Friday's are her Mahjong day and I told her NOT to miss out on that. I'll be fine and will manage to keep myself busy - or maybe even chillax a bit more. But she insists on being at every treatment and Dr' appt. (same as I would for my son) and I'm so grateful for her being there and being so patient with me when I sometimes tend to 'lose it'. Oh and during my mass cabinet clean out yesterday I totally forgot about these 2 cabinets above my fridge because there was always so much crap cluttered on top. Well turns out I found 2 jigsaw puzzles, a jinga game and a crossword book along with a tiny little note book to carry in my purse! I don't know how many years those have been up there collecting dust but they are all cleaned up now and ready to play! One of the puzzles is double sided so it's really tricky and I remember it took us weeks to get it together so that might be a nice relaxing focal point for my day. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Remember to take time out for yourself and to stop and smell the flowers!!

There are times that I do feel numb or overwhelmed. Today I had one of those moments right after my treatment when they gave me my papers for work stating it would be around November 1st before they would even think about releasing me at part time hours working from home. Just one of those panic moments where it felt so far away time wise and that deer in the headlights look would start to take over. And the rabbit hole just gets too deep to even look at. But then I had to stop and think ok, it's mid August already so that would be about right for short term leave. I am starting to feel the fatigue from the radiation and I know that I'm pushing myself a bit too much with all this needless putzing and restless energy. I need to say it's ok to rest and recharge. Sometimes at night when I go write in my journal my hands will start to cramp and I'll have no choice but to stop and flex my hands and that's not good because I'm really just burning myself out vs filtering this energy to start those exercises for fatigue solution. They are not hard at all simple stretches and leg lunges using a chair for support, presses for your arms using the wall etc and just overall taking care of the body. Use mindfulness to calm my anxiety and hopefully get a full nights rest. It just seems to make sense now that I'm eating way better then I ever have in my life that I should physically start taking care of myself better. I know I still have a fight ahead and I want to be able to kick ass!! Even though I've been zipping around like crazy now is the time when I need to be mindful of my energy. Use it to help build and maintain that muscle. Not this senseless zooming and buzzing - that just has to stop. Tomorrow my steroids taper to 1/2 a pill a day so hopefully that will help with the focus. So tomorrow is a new day - I have my goal and I'm going to do it and do it right! Just being able to get that out was a big woosah moment. The mind is clear and calmer now and I can finally get some much needed rest!

OMG a girl with ferrets. My son has those darn pets. I keep thinking he will never find a girl in his life. He is 39 years old and has had up to 6 at one time. I keep thinking, what girl is going to want a man with stincky ferrets. Now you give me hope!!!!!! You are doing so great hellkatbaby. I wish you lived close. You could come clean at my house lol. From someone who has done this battle, your positive outlook is amazing. It is definitely hard not to go down that rabbit hole. I felt so numb through the process. You are so fortunate to have family support. I will admit I am not a fan of the movie but TEAM DEADPOOL is awesome!

One day at a time hellkat, it's working great for you so I agree there's no reason to look too far down the rabbit hole. As far as going crazy in the house, maybe you could visit your local animal shelter and take some dogs for a walk or spend time with the cats and bunnies. There's also rest homes with people who have no family who would love to see a positive friendly face

I'm getting there and fighting the whole way! I was able to sleep after my post last night even if it was for a short few hours it was nice! I'm holding out tonight hoping if I go to bed later then maybe I'll sleep a bit more. Worth a try at least. This AM after treatment I finally had to cave and go to Walmart. I needed to pick up on the bulk stuff and figured since it was early in the morning it wouldn't be to bad. Of course I ended up spending way more than I wanted (again). I've really got to get that under control lol. But nothing I got will go to waste for sure! I did pick up a $5 T-shirt that said 'I rolled my eyes so HARD I could see my brain!' I figured I'd wear that to tomorrows treatment . And I tossed a few yoga type pants in the basket since comfy style seems to be the easiest. Once I got back home though and started putting stuff away there was no stopping me - I was the little energizer bunny just pounding around the house. I feel like I'm going bonkers!! I must have re-arranged my kitchen cabinets 100x. Just crazy!! Like OCD type crap. I think I spent and hour on just arranging the spices alone.....WTH? I was such a creature of doing what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted and now I'm all Sally Homemaker and it's driving me nuts!! I want to go outside and take a walk but with the heat index at over 100* psht - NOPE! But I cant stay in these 4 walls much longer. I mean these daily trips here and there are fine (as long as I leave my wallet at home) but I want OUT! I feel I NEED to be doing something I just don't know what that is yet. I mean I'm being productive and active at least but I feel I just need something more. I guess with time and patience I'll figure it out. Baby steps. Tomorrow is FRIDAY!! Actually everyday for me is Friday it seems lol! And this weekend my son and I have our lunch or dinner date. That's that one time I don't worry about what I eat or think about what I'm going through - I just enjoy the time we have and make every second with him count. My sister should be back from out of town by next week and regardless of how things went before she left I really cant wait to see her again. I need my team back!! After the weekend I'll be down to my last 2 treatments then onto the 'pill' two weeks after that. I don't really like to stop and think about it much - sometimes the rabbit hole can get too deep and that's a place I don't care to venture down right now. My focus is good thoughts and vibes all the way!! Hope everyone has a good night!!