8 April

     Here I am.   Experiencing one of the less than  optimistic periods.      Hoping it is short lived.   Having a "channel 19" (read no news today) break.

Will likely NEED to attend to my tooth concern with professional care.  Grateful for the blood flow,  grateful for tools to provide oral care.  My dentist in the previous state had hoped I would get 5 yeas out of this tooth.  Coming up on 2.5, so hey, a good run for a former smoker.     Concerned as I had put off finding a dentist in this new state (while getting hooked up to new insurance) and now will be looking for care during these covid-19 times.  Grateful in advance for finding the perfect dentist at the perfect time.

Had a wild few moments earlier today where my addiction roared and drove me.  Luckily it drove me into the woods with the cat vs into the car to the store.  Really could've gone either way.   It passed. 

Commitment     to  

                                               myself                         nope                   life                nope                hope                  nope         

                                                                                                                                                                                                            really don't care for how that reads....   could be true.

         commitment to 

         writing something here daily-ish

         talking to my mom daily

         caring for my cats ongoing              

sometimes it just seems so heavy, and i feel so used up....or never was....or never learned.....and hindsight is great, and sadness for what was~is wraps around the heart and squeezes like a constrictor...       

Any way...will end this vomiting of ick  and dance