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dancing

A blog by darcy in General

  • Entries

    32

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Entries in this blog

blog general

16 November ~ grateful to be free

Hello Folks, It's been awhile since I stopped by.      I am feeling wacky and grateful these days.   I had a serious lapse of reason last month sometime.   Bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one.    One of those wildly effed up moments when it makes sense to just make things worse.        Turns out I don't smoke.   It was awful and I smoked less than half the cigarette.  Gratefully, my husband had already tossed the pack. Have not thought much about it since.  Wondering if I w

16 August ... grateful to be on the train

hoping to stick to the boards for the next few days.  having oral surgery mid day tomorrow. losing chewing surfaces on one side and do not know how/when I will be able to replace ...or even if possible.  deeply regretful about some of my life choices and having a hard time being in acceptance around the consequences of my choices. getting married in a monthish.  never thought I would and it's kind of weirding me out.  RoLlERcOaStErInG....VERY high or VERY low.....very much going for ev
  • darcy

September 1, 2020 ~ 5 months, going on 6, FREE

Hello Fabulous QT Riders,   Just bopping by to say how awesome smoke free life is.   I rarely think about smoking.  Would not have imagined that was possible 5 months and 23 days ago.  AMAZED at how quickly life rolls on without what I once considered REQUIRED. I can barely recall what it was like to arrange my day around the cigarettes. I now sleep later and wake up with zero sense of urgency to feed the addiction.  WOOO HOOO! I have been increasing my activity levels .
  • darcy
blog general

27 September - here i am

Hello Quit Train Riders,   Just a momentary pause to say I am still on the train.   Over 6 months, $2K dollars and 3k cigarettes away from slavery.  Sailing through the highs and lows with very few thoughts of smoking at all.  Had a momentary major desire for a smoke earlier today and just looked at it and wondered, what the heck is this?   Oral surgery went....safely.    Am deeply grateful for: acres and acres to roam in glorious autumn opportunities to

18 July - 4 months free and wobbling

Well,... seat still warm on the train, yet I seem headed toward the exit sign at this station.   Lonely amidst a group that love me  ~ a familiar feeling.   A lifetime ...well 37 years, of poor or rudimentary skills at dealing with discord and BIG feelings have left me adrift over the last few days.  Not surprised...no one waves a magic wand , or puts out the smoke, and magically fills the 'space' with graceful replacements....or maybe they do and it is just me.  
  • darcy

17 June ~ still Free and grateful

Just stopped by to learn, connect and share a bit. Best of everything to Boo.  May your adventures bring many belly laughs and your love overflow and change the world!   Quick acknowledgment of the gratitude for my non smoking life..... LOVING every minute of not arranging life around smoking grandkids coming to stay for a month...won't even have to THINK about what I am role modeling by smoking  because I DON'T SMOKE!!!  much laughter aloud at that truism....YAY my
  • darcy

6 June - 2months and 27 days FREE

Hello Fabulous Quit Train People,   It has been awhile since I was here on the boards.                The last 3 hours have been a wreck of smokey thoughts and intentions.                      Grateful I chose to come visit here before grabbing my keys and heading out.                Haven't gotten myself off the ledge yet and am certain I will get off it before relapsing. The intensity doesn't surprise me. I know who I am.  Sad that I am having the "same old , same old"  res

19 May ~ >1000 cigarettes not smoked

Hello Fabulous Quit Train People,   Have been quite busy with navigating guests in my home who do not share beliefs around covid concerns.  Glad to have (sort of, not really...) found a way to be okay with sharing close space and being with the people I hold deeply dear.  More urgent smokey thoughts in the last few days than I have experienced in awhile.  Just acknowledging the thought, announcing "I don't smoke", and moving on to the next activity.  Still surprised when I spend a

2 May - Celebrating Freedom

Feeling much lighter of heart and head the last few days.  Grateful to be able to ride out the emotional  downs without being a slave to nicotine addiction. Yipee!  Close call sometimes.   For the most part I don't think much about smoking at all.  When the urge hits to smoke it is either light and easy to bat away, or all consuming and demanding action.  Through whatever  grace I am free of nicotine (38 ish years a slave...no more) and trucking on.  Not saying there are not other  thi

4 May

Thought about smoking, in a non-urgent barely considering it a smokey thought, for the first time today about 5 minutes ago.  I am amazed, grateful, proud? (ooo, don't say that, not pride....), still hesitant to have faith and LIVING smoke free none the less.   Had someone told me 2 months ago that I would have this experience in the next two moths  I would have negated their reality with no hesitation. Denied the possibility with every fiber of my self knowing.  Hardly ever have I  be

29 April ~ 1 month and 19 days of FREEDOM, and struggling

Hola Folks,     Posting because I said I would... and I am only as good as my word (judgement noted).   Warning...my head is not always screwed on straight enough for many folks.  Will go back and reread this blog after posting....maybe I have said something that will be of help to myself.    Having an unusually (why the qualifier?)  challenging  time the last week or so.                                                                                                
  • darcy

20 April ... over 40 days FREE

Been a long week since I touched base here.   Still on the train.  Had a few times where I almost (purse in hand and headed for the car) went to buy cigarettes, ended up doing something different.          Turns out I seem to be an awful bitch...didn't realize how often I used a cigarette to stop myself from speaking.  lol, or cry.   Course, I am used to being of service to my community and working some, so perhaps (I hope) the bitchiness isn't entirely the real me under the addiction.
  • darcy

13 April

It has been over a month of FREEDOM.          I am grateful for the quit.       Been pondering commitment and lack of it.          Been pondering the ways I have hidden.                                   Been less than pondering the many ways I have healed and moved forward, co-created incredible things and journeyed with some incredible souls.   Be useful to spend some time pondering those things. Giant thank you to: Sazerac Jillar Forestgreen Jordan               
  • darcy

8 April

Here I am.   Experiencing one of the less than  optimistic periods.      Hoping it is short lived.   Having a "channel 19" (read no news today) break.     Will likely NEED to attend to my tooth concern with professional care.  Grateful for the blood flow,  grateful for tools to provide oral care.  My dentist in the previous state had hoped I would get 5 yeas out of this tooth.  Coming up on 2.5, so hey, a good run for a former smoker.     Concerned as I had put off finding a denti
  • darcy

7 April

Another day on the train.  Woo Hoo!                       Sometimes I remember I don't smoke and am surprised.   Still getting the occasional expected and occasional unexpected craving.  Barely, evening NOPEing myself.   Just moving along to the next thought.   What a gift!!!   Been feeling untethered and a decided lack of purpose  ... I'm sure many are finding their way with  similar feelings.    So scared for so many people.  Desire for information and  understanding... don
  • darcy

6 April

I am trying to write at least a bit each day.  Several folks have suggested that sharing my quit journey can be useful for others.   Not sure I have anything worth sharing.   I am/have not been a person of eternal optimism.  I do have passion and temerity when it comes to new things, learning and ways to heal.  I find most people are uncomfortable speaking of or listening to things that are intense, morose and/or painful, that can often be defined by the term trauma. I have f
  • darcy

5 April - 21 days of FREEDOM

Considering the circumstances of us all, I am embarrassed (yet grateful) that I have had a fun pleasant connected day with my marvelous man (and cats).  I noticed a few weak cravings at expected times. Didn't even need to spend any energy pushing the smokey thought away.  It just quietly bowed out as I turned my attention to the next thing. Knowing the struggles, true deep struggles, I have had during previous quits...I can not express how dumbfounded I am at the grace and ease I am experie
  • darcy

22 March

Faking my way through the NOPE pledge this morning. Not even 5:30 a.m. and I am just winding down from tilt mode.....CRAVING firmly attached to tilt mode.   staring at screen feeling heart race and listening to head race        looking for good excuse,   ha ha ha   ANY excuse is the good one when you choose to pick up. NOPE  NOPE   NOPE   going to eat..  then  ...          Most of the day later.... Glad things calmed down in my head.  Glad I hav
  • darcy

4 April

Feeling   deeply off (collective grief, I think).  No off switch,  minimal awareness, and even less discipline around eating right now.  Considering it a great day if I manage to shower, dress and care for my teeth.    Pretty sure some of it is due to not being in the cigarette~task loop anymore.  HURRAY!  and of course some of it is due to Stay at Home/Covid-19 safety practices.                         To spend just a moment here... I used to punctuate my day with smoking.  Could measure m
  • darcy

2 April

Still delighted to be FREE.      Can't spend too much time pondering the choices of the past.  The  consequences and results of all my past choices will reveal or heal as I THRIVE on....with all the opportunities  life brings.   The teeth and gum pain is such that in normal times I would head to the dentist.  Being in far from normal times, I am choosing to self treat with many salt water rinses and using the water pik with hydrogen peroxide mix.  Cravings are few and vary in dura
  • darcy

1 April

Feeling odd and fine at the same time.  Pretty sure lots of folks are in this space. Had some sleep with out OTC assistance the last few nights.  Yay!   As this recovery from 38 plus years of addiction sails along ... my gums and teeth are sensitive and sore in places.   Hurray for blood flow!!  Appreciate the opportunity to lavish some fabulous oral care on myself.  I love my waterpik.  Had allowed the illusion of no pain to be the belief "I have healthy gums and teeth"
  • darcy

31 march 21 FREE days

It was a fine day filled with bird song.  ...and eagles circling above when walking with cat. Stress filled times, some cravings....and NOPE, I don't smoke.   Cravings seems to pull especially hard (which instantly translates to grumpy and whiny) when I get tired or scared.  So, when I am awake?  mirthful laugh   Really have been doing pretty well.  Grateful.    Have even felt a bit accomplished for a few brief moments.        
  • darcy

30 march

very tired. feeling thin and quick on the trigger. wish I could sleep during the day. do not want to utilize otc sleep stuff. do not feel like doing anything   woke alarmed in the middle of the night.            had spoken to my mom (celebrating her birthday) yesterday afternoon and she had a dry cough.  WORRIED.  she says she feels fine and it was a cough due to not speaking too often these days. managed not to call my mom in the middle of the night with
  • darcy

29 march

went to sleep last night feeling like I would get up today and go get cigarettes. woke with the same feeling.     still on the train.  almost late afternoon.   playing the mind games outsmarting myself.... you know you smoke...     yeah, but it's mom's birthday and she is so happy you quit.   you can smoke tomorrow....      nope     nope   nope      think again, get right with yourself, call an ally. post an sos    Do it!!!   sister's life derailing amidst the now normal
  • darcy

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