sgt.barney

2 feet by 2 feet (4 sq feet per plant) + whatever spacing you like between rows - The Sarge packs 'em in tight, but some folks like lotsa room to walk between rows. 1/2 to 1-and-1/2 pounds yield per fern when mature, depending on weather, soil, fertilization, etc. Count on about 3/4 pounds per. Do the math for your own situation. 3/4 = .75 pounds per plant. 20 Pounds = 26 ferns. Round that to 30 for some spare. 4 square feet (2x2) per plant : 4 x 30 = 120 square feet. Give or take a little spacing, 12 feet x 12 feet with the way the Sarge packs 'em in. The size of a small bedroom or back porch. Most folks like a lot more room between plants/rows, though, to walk around when harvesting. You can pack 'em in tight, just watch where you step when harvesting. The pros (commercial guys) get about a ton to a ton-and-a-half (2000 to 3000 pounds) per acre. You could do the math that way, too, but The Sarge is too lazy to look up square feet per acre. Easy Peasy

Actually - yes - but it's years of doing nothing. The Sarge starts from seed. You can buy first-year crowns to get a year head-start or if you're not good with seeds. Put seed in ground and wait 4 years ... Those spears are 4th and 5th year plants. First harvest. You, literally, do nothing. For years. 4th year, enjoy. Enjoy every year for the next 15 to 20 years doing absolutely nothing other than fertilizing twice a year (literally 2 seconds a plant) and cutting down the fern growth in early spring (deadwood from last year) - about 10 seconds a plant. Pretty maintenance free for a plant that produces for 15 or 20 years. If you start with store-bought crowns, you can get by waiting only 2 or 3 years. Seeds? 4 to 5 years. But it's about the easiest thing to grow. Virtually no disease or pest. Easy. Easy Peasy, even.

Might be a bit lower yield this year. We had some -15 (F) ( -26 ( C ) ) and some of 'em likely froze their little buds off ... and The Sarge didn't get out in Feb to fertilize. Normally the nitrogen would have had time to soak in by now. Oopsies. There you have it. Pre-excuses for a crappy yield this year. [1] Easy Peasy FOOTNOTES: [1] Of course, disregard if the yield is greater than last years 40.6 pounds.

They're poking their heads up outta the ground. It starts tomorrow. One day earlier than last year. First picking will be tomorrow . Here's a reminder of last year's haul ( a tad bit over 40 pounds ) : Last Year's Album Here's a taste of what The Sarge's Green Thumb can do (from last year): Easy Peasy

Is it Howdy Doody time yet, Bufalo Bob? Easy Peasy

If you want the whole Jedi-consistent thing. If not ... then Grasshopper it is. Easy Peasy

The term you are looking for might be Padawan. Easy Peasy

Cult ... [1] Easy Peasy FOOTNOTES [1] The Sarge prefers to think of it as: His Mental Illness.

Here is The Sarge - putting out the smokes and dispersing the crowd ... (high pressure water) The Sarge wishes for a hammock, too ... [1] Easy Peasy FOOTNOTES [1] ... twelve pitches up The Nose Route on the face of El Capitan, Yosemite Valley

Where's the options for: [✓] Do Not Care [ ] Really? [ ] This Is Silly The Sarge doesn't feel properly represented at this party. Curmudgeons Unite !!! Easy Peasy

If you are reading this, and you are not a member: You are doing it wrong. The Sarge says again: You. Are. Doing. It. Wrong. Chunky Monkey

Slow 10k (6.2 miles) on the DreadMill™ : 1% grade @ 50:51 (8:12/mile) No motivation this evening to rock it hard and fast. Fill the logbook : Junk miles. Junk miles are better than couch miles ... Easy Peasy

The Sarge had a 2-ish month forced smober in 1987. Basic Training - back when he was The Private. In 1986 the Dept. of the Army made smokes contraband for all basic trainees. "No. Smoking. Allowed!", said The Man. The Sarge doesn't consider that time an actual "quit" because (1) it was forced against his will, (2) he cheated whenever he could - about once a week someone in the platoon was able to smuggle a pack in and (3) he started right up again graduation day. Pack a day that very day. Sarge decided maybe he'd wait for TheRightTime™ to do a righteous and real quit ... and it would be Right Soon Now, Too ... 24 years later, in 2011 TheRightTime™ never came, but The Doc was giving dire warnings of a first heart attack by 50, and the second (soon thereafter) killing The Sarge. It still wasn't TheRightTime™ ... but it was time. It was time. Twenty fooking four fooking years of playing the game as outlined in LadyBugs post above. TheRightTime™ doesn't exist, folks. The time is now. Yesterday is better, but now is all you've got. Get to it. Easy Peasy

It's kind of awesome, ain't it? Easy Peasy

"When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, Young Grasshopper, it will be time for you to leave" -- Master Kan <Gemzee snatches pebble> "It is time to leave the Temple" -- Master Sarge Congratulations. You have arrived. Easy Peasy

You are worried about something that is not gonna even matter. You will be fine. Easy Peasy

Wait - what? That's a disease? The Sarge thought that was just part of everyday life... Y'know - being human. Easy Peasy

Not in the slightest. The week-long ban ended Sunday. It's Wednesday. Still can't get in. Still no explanation from The Harpie or Just Jack. Still don't care. Easy Peasy

Keep us informed. The Sarge only gets some about every 3 years or so. There's a local school with a small wild patch behind the playground that he'll raid once in a while when he has time. He doesn't want to be accused of being that creepy old dude hanging around the schoolyard playground ... Most years he just forgets. It's such a short window of time. Easy Peasy

Easy Peasy

No ... but you need to know *when* to plant *what* in your local climate ... and "zone" maps are the easiest way to know this. They also tell you what will and won't survive your local weather patterns (for instance, The Sarge desparately wants to plant citrus (orange, lemon, lime) ... but they don't survive in his "zone". Easy Peasy

In honor of TheOtherPlace™ that has become what Beth (Greenlover) always called the "Barney Board". A place where everything is happy and fun and everybody loves everybody (I love you, you love me) and Unicorns fart Rainbows and Skittles ... and no EvilBadMeanie™ Snausages are allowed to play anymore ... Easy Peasy