cheri

One thing I have learned to do while quitting smoking is saying no. Not only in my head to myself when I wanted to smoke, but to all the negative bs around me as well. It is NOT easy. I have had multiple deaths in 6mos time. Family illnesses. Physical fights by family at funeral homes that lead to continual stress. I am in trouble because I refuse to choose sides. I have a 15 year old daughter. I am recently separated from a 20 year marriage. Some friends really arent. Job issues. Being put on Zoloft because I had a nervous breakdown. Owning a home, AND paying rent for a condo. I have a 15 year old daughter. Did I mention that already? :) Man is a relapsed addict. Theres most of my reasons to go ahead and smoke. I choose not to...why? I found a place in myself, where I could actually do something positive for me. No one can take it away. That is one thing that is JUST MINE. ITS ALL ABOUT ME. Only good things will follow after that. I sort of relate it to when I got my very first apartment and car. How AMAZING it felt to be free. IT was all MINE. I DID IT. This entailed saying goodbye to a lot of shit, and people. Simply for the fact that I ******* refuse to fail, and allow anyone to drag me down. Including myself. Im sure there will be more goodbyes. Im okay with that. Sometimes when you get rid of all the trash, it gives you more room for better things. It may have brought on a bit of depression. Feeling a little lonely. Or maybe all the shit did. I dont know. Im not perfect, I did slip. I admitted it and moved on. Im still not smoking. I really dont want to. Know one thing. That it will all pass, and it will get better, especially when you realize you did ONE thing for you, and no one stopped you. You become your own superhero. It feels good, knowing theres an ace in your pocket at the table.

gurrrlll..yo ass lookin good in dat.

I have read weight gain is normal as you are no longer putting a stimulant into your body. Your metabolism has to adjust again. Though I believe if you dont eat a bunch of shit and uptake your exercise just a little you should be okay. Also, a lot of us are older so that really is a normal thing for your body to do. I dont drink too much, (because I am a complete weirdo when I do) but I think its important to try and avoid that if you can. I did notice any time I do drink, smoking is a thought at some point and harder to avoid. The first thing I noticed when I quit was I smelled EVERYTHING. Then taste. Then the shedding thing. My hair wasnt falling out after a shower like it was. Now, my skin. Its lovely-er. I have more energy, especially in the morning.

All is going well so far..it is definitely a little weird. Man wanted me to come over to talk today. I said no. I know where that will lead. Straight to an argument with no ending. Blame. Anger. So only phone calls or texts until he is in some sort of treatment. Even outpatient would be okay with me. AA or something. Him seeing Alexa is okay, as long as it is in a public place, and I'm there. He isn't liking this much. I don't like it much either. Alex is just like whateverrrrr...can I go to my friends house for dinner? :D I love her.

I might just have to do this myself. I mean, how hard could it possibly be to install? A couple bolts, screws, some crazy glue and a giant brass pole. I dont see any issues here. Well..maybe just one. I cant fit a giant pole in my car. I could probably just duct tape that to the roof tho. Maybe one of those stretchy cord thingies. piece of cake.

WHAT!!!???? I'M IN!! lol..and yes, I'm definitely not a Sarah person. Still no stripper pole, BUT, I did convince them to get a couple of portable mini ellipticals. Its not quite what I was looking for, but I still have time.

Some days I would really like to have a little temper tantrum when I am told “no” to something I ask for when we have the monthly “do we need anything to make this office more proficient and productive?”. I do not, for the life of me understand why we can’t have a stripper pole installed in the office. There is plenty of space. It would be great for morale. It would keep me occupied on slower days when I think about smoking…ahhh..good for health reasons! Great for entertaining new clients. Padding for my uh...bank account. I bet the boss could write it off somehow. I’m going to keep asking about this. I’m going to keep getting thrown out of meetings.

All moved into the condo with Alexa. A little strange, but peaceful. A little sad, but a necessary choice. It is impossible to live with an abusive addict while trying to make yourself better in more ways than just not smoking. I oddly feel empowered, stronger. Hell, I should after all this crap over the past year. I hope this is the right decision. I hope this next 6mos leads to positives. I hope I can let go of all the yucky stuff quickly. If it goes badly, I hope I recover fast. Aint no time for sadness. Ps..lol..I am not on lsd, Im just weird. :D I take full advantage of being able to have a lot of fun whenever I can, and am not afraid to share the crazy. I have never done drugs in my life.

Sooo.. Vaca was AFUCKINMAZING. I left with no cash.. Came back with Dried fruits. Cash. Sugar packets. Napkins. AND PANTS!!! sometimes i have come home sans pants. and hookers in the trunk. Packing sucks. So does the fighting pre-out. Sigh-giggle. BRING IT ON NEW BEGINNINGS!!! be out for a bit. still..NOT SMOKING. though i do think about it..its just a thought. sometimes i think about licking raw chicken just to see if i'll really get salmonella.

Alex...mom, i just want to sleep in my own bed. Me...you will. soon. Alex..this all happened because you stopped smoking. Me..no..this happened because i gained freedom, freedom that was long overdue. this is just an excuse. Alex...what does that even mean mother? Me..how about we talk more tomorrow. i love you. Slamdoor. sadness. i dont even know what to say to this ...not that i told any of you whats going on but WTF. that makes me so sad. its an obvious reason for blame. long rocky road ahead. marshmallow free.

-8

is anyone here into the walking dead comics? read them? im geeky like that.

i hate spinoffs. i hate reality tv. i hate remakes of classic horror movies. i have no interest in this. oct 11 cant come soon enough.

this thread really clicked with my rollercoaster life. though i have never done drugs, which most associate with addiction... smoking is exactly the same thing. if not worse. strength is hard to find sometimes. weakness is harder to admit. the first step is making an honest change...with yourself. i dont feel so weird about posting all my shit on here. happy anniversary, bakon!

Grease..in my pants. The excorsist..in my pants. The blob..in my pants. Weekend at bernies..in my pants. The fly..in my pants. The hand..in my pants. The human centipede..in my pants. (this saved me from multiple posting).

Sometimes things spiral. Downhill. Mine is going the opposite. I think? I am scared to death about my newfound short termed lease. I move in on the 1st. Now, I own a home, and am renting a condo for me and Alexa. This is going to be interesting. Being single, but not. Paying for a home I am not living in. There are not enough swear words in my vocabulary for this. Some say when you are separated, its okay to do you. Being as I dislike grey areas....and assume doing me, means dating...*******... I'll pass on all of that. I dont think being separated but married is a free pass to go **** other people. Especially this early into it. Thats just asking for more trouble. IN ALL THAT... I asked the owner, can people smoke here? He said not even on the property. Go across the street if you have to. :) Thats too much work for me.

I ran home today to grab a few things. I had to pee. After all these years, if I'd have known all I had to do was ******* leave to get... 1, the goddamn toilet paper refilled by someone other than me (future stock included) 2. the goddamn toilet paper hung the right ******* way by someone other than me 3. the seat put down. (I have actually broken toilet seats left up in my violent rages after my ass hits the toilet water at 3am half asleep..I know some of you COMPLETELY get this) I'd have left a long time ago. TOILET PAPER GETS HUNG FREE SIDE OVER. NOT UNDER. *still not going back that's just a trick*

Now that I'm done dinner, and did NOT burn my bosses house down, but filled his desk with snotty tissues... soup sandwhich All I could think about is sex. I once had a friend who told me something about "******* my ex was like ******* a bowl of soup" THE VISUALS. THE STRUGGLE.

THANK YOU! I dont know that I am getting divorced as of yet...but the separation is much needed, sadly upon much other losses and grief. But Ill figure it out. Its weird how I find such peace in total strangers.

You just made me cry. I need to remember to not sign in when I am cooking things. :D Im going to burn my bosses house down.... I dont really know any other way to be than all in or all out. Grey areas piss me off. They take too much work. Thank you for your belief in me, and your kind words, and compassion. Sometimes I need that. <3

Ok maybe I should never say never..but definitely never three days in a row again because “Cher, you need to relax. Forgetaboutit. Here have this”…. OKAY!!! WHAT FUN! YIKES. No. Definitely reminded me why I don’t do that, like that anymore. It’s been a rough couple of months. :D Alexa and I have been staying with my boss (as I mentioned before) after leaving my husband. Been an adventurous week for sure. 2015, the year of loss. I can't wait to be able to forget it. Too much thinking going on again. (Positive side? by the time I am through with all of this shit, I'll be able to tackle ANYTHING in stride and my stress free life, really will be stress free). When things get like this, is when I always struggle. The idle phases. The unsure phases. Fighting. The I’ll just go have a smoke, and think some more phases. I need to talk to someone…wait, I hate everyone, don't trust anyone, and want to be left alone. Abandonment. Empowerment. ALL AT ONCE. LOL! I don’t know if those feelings are normal from quitting, or because I’m half crazy from all I am going through. Maybe both. This is really weird. Just thinking and not smoking. But thinking about smoking more than I was before. Thankfully they are just thoughts, I know they will pass, and I can come on here any time and just post my random weirdness, whether I am drunk or sober when I feel them. I’m going to rot out my teeth with these lollipops and go think of when I may be normal again. Whatever that means.

I watched maybe 6 friends at the pool today smoke. Chain smoke. It smelled really bad. I wanted to tell them OMG seriously..you just smoked a minute ago.I 'Ill never be like that. All holier than thou...but I did wanna smack them I missed it for a second. Then I had more tequila. You know what they say about tequila and girls? ITS TRUE. I am not sure where my panties are, but at least I have some on. They aren't mine. We don't have to go there. anyway... I watched some vape. I dont get that for the life of me. They said it tasted like fruity pebbles. I'd rather eat that shit with whole milk. It looked like they were taking bong hits I don't find that to be any more attractive.Unless you're really taking bong hits. I'll be over there to your left, next to the fence. Thats how I rolled. Literally.

HA! Such silliness. I've been staying at my bosses house for a while, and let me just say that waking up to the smell of coffee and breakfast this early in the morning, when I didn't have to cook it is FANTASTIC. I'll be poolside ALL day. I hope they adopt me. I'd like here to be my forever home. Have a great weekend!!

dog=

Not. but i am drunk. :D sinners even looking at this.