my first blog

ok Im a bit of a goof ball this is true I dont take life too serious but I dont take it for granted either - thats why I quit - finding you guys has been a game changer for me and I just wanted you to know whats going on behind the scenes

I have spent the best part of 4 months with you guys and it has changed my life and you are a massive part of that and I feel I can share this with you.

Some may wonder why I spend quite a bit of time on here and I will tell you, i am a live in carer and I have to spend 7 days with a person who has severe disabilities, clinical depression and learning difficulties, I want to try and explain it without crossing any confidential barriers here.

i have been in this job for 1 year and he loved the fact that I was a smoker when I started as if he could he would love to be a REBEL in his eyes and would be a smoker

when I quit I went through withdraw whilst at work, I did not tell him I was quitting as I knew that he would put pressure on me to carry on (as in his eyes I was doing it by proxy for him), but I so wanted to quit for myself

for 6 days I pretended that I was going out for a smoke to keep up the appearances and to take the pressure off me in those vital few days, then it was time to go home and I told him on the last day that I quit - it wasnt too bad but he said "that explains the crankiness" lol

I then spent heck week at home

I was dreading coming back to work for week 3 as I knew what I was in for - not just the job but the pressure he would put me under to continue to smoke - I needed help - I knew that I couldn`t do this alone under these circumstances and that`s when I joined a forum and found you guys

sure enough the barrage came thick and fast and it was constant (he doesn`t know any better)

every single day this continues to this day but I have built up a wall now and am not vulnerable to it but every now and then i come under an abusive and violent attack (for other reasons) and boy do I have to hold on tight when the hurricane hits me (metaphor) my walls are getting thicker to this and I take time out and play some games on here

month 3 til now has been harder as I am going through a relationship break up so when I go home there is no respite this I have been working hard to sort out - life is never simple - I have my 19 year old niece living with me and had to make sure she was independant and ok before I moved on - this has now happening and I hope to be moved out in the next few weeks

S/O is a social smoker who only ever used to smoke on holidays/vacation but as he blames the quit on the break up he resents it and has taken to under hand tactics to try and derail me so I take to the boards whilst at home for further distractions

I have in recent weeks wanted to just say **** it all and throw it all away "is it worth it" all this hassle - why not just relapse

I tell you why that`s not an option - because its MY life I decide what I do and don`t do and no other person is going to tell me any different

I have over the last few weeks felt as though I was losing the battle (I was angry) but now I am on the other side and I have made it through

I am moving on in my new free life - I have battle scars but I survived and I have all you to thank for that you all in some way helped me more than you will ever know and you do not know what it means to me to have you all here with me today

This site, you people are changing lives not just your own, you are saving lives its not just a game here

KTQ and stick to NOPE you will make it through :wub:

"always look on the bright side of life" - my fav song

I love paying it forward and want everyone to be FREE