Haven't written anything in a while about two months ago started having a weird pressure in my lower abdomen. Not like the pains I've had previously when my stomach acted up. Thankfully no where near that pain however this strange constant pressure hasn't let up. So far seen my regular doctor who rushed me off for a CT scan with contrast he was thinking a diverticulitis attach and that wasn't it sent me to my GI doctor who sent me off for a colonoscopy Well that shit was not fun I wasn't due for one of those suckers until I hit the big Five O (50) nothing showed Crohns, or a blockage is what he was thinking. Gave me a medicine to help regulate things so to speak. Well two weeks on that was enough now we are off to the GYN for a sonogram then back for another CT scan nobody can figure out what is going on. Me I just want to feel better not liking any of this. Quit smoking eating healthier than I ever did, no artificial anything lots of water exercising 3-4 times I just don't get it It really sucks.... Was trying to get off these stupid extra pounds now I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball. Bummed to the max and hoping one of my doctors figures what is going on. I shouldn't complain after what my mom and friend are going through and what they have gone through with their Cancers this is nothing but I still want to feel better want to feel like my old self again. I always think Health and feeling good is everything nothing else is really really important compared to that. Well lets see what they find out.
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Well it seems like I have been waiting for ever and finally the training has begun to become a Eucharistic Minister. What an exciting Sat. afternoon. I get to St. Agnes and realize WOW the parking lot is full. I sign in and grab a seat the priests and people in attendance were so interesting and inspiring. Next training will be for the homebound and nursing homes. This will mean so much as then when I visit with Granny and they need extra EM I will be able to provide this. I was kinda disappointed with my sisters response but I was going to let them dampen my mood. It is hard to believe we are all raised the same way all went to Church only to discover as adults how anti religious they are. I at least let them know they should be excited because it is important to me. My older sister did say she was happy as she knows the people I will be ministering to want Christ brought to them. My little sister not so much but oh well her loss. My friends have all told me they will proudly come to Church when I get commissioned in.
The weather is finally getting nice it so strange trying to stay in the mind set of being a non-smoker. The warm weather makes the urge greater. Sat I spent the day exhausting myself with the thought that physical exhaustion would help. But it is strange the smokes I still miss the most are the ones when I have physically exhausted myself with exercise./activities/ cleaning or errands. I wonder how long before my brain will be re-trained for those moments. I haven't written much in these blogs. Never really got the whole Blog. I was a big journal keeper always was. But that is so much more private. It doesn't lay out there for others to see. Journaling helped me travel to where I am today. Journaled through the end of my terrible marriage journaled through my days in Al-non journaled through most all life struggles. Those memories are recorded and kept in a safe place. They all reside in a box a box of memories and tribulations. My sister also is a journaler we have an arrangement is something suddenly happens to either one of us the other knows where the box of journals are. And we are each charged with removing the box so nobody will ever peep into the most private parts of our life. So anyway Blogging seems similar to Journaling but one is for no one else to ever see the other seems like thoughts you wish to share with whom who knows maybe just yourself maybe with others. Spring is making me feel nostalgic and actually sad yesterday it made me sad. I couldn't put a finger on why the sadness but it was there under the surface. Maybe Spring starts the thinking process because after the sleep of nature during Winter everything is now waking and becoming new. Just a thought to think about.
Today started out like any other put on my Green and beads even added my shamrock earning. I arrive at work to receive horrible horrible news. St Particks Day will never be the same a very good friend had a massive stroke last night. The girls all text back and forth that it was bad one by one we all tell our bosses and each other we are on the way. Went to the hospital to say good bye...... oh my God what a horrible horrible thing she was a single mom leaving four kids behind she was a single mom.... It is just so shocking I just can't believe it how could such a thing happen on such a beautiful day... Oh poor Donna she is now in Heaven....... It is still unreal.
I just discovered days have gone by and haven't had any thoughts or desires to smoke. What a great feeling. I guess that's how it works. Days start to go bye and you don't even realize the routine has been successfully changed slowly and steadily. And the thoughts no longer posses all your thinking and time.
My friend at work comes past I think pew she stinks and I realize I smelled the same before. I listen to her try and catch her breath and feel sorry for her. It makes me think wow if I was huffing and puffing just walking around that would be a sure sign I need to quit. To each is own we all need to find our own way.
Oh my I am so exciting this week I feel like this is one of my best weeks ever. Got a call from my Church, just when I had given up to begin training for becoming a Eucharistic Minister. Sent my letter to Father Bob for Parish approval. This seems meant to be since I finally stopped smoking. It's like God was waiting now I will not need to worry do I smell did I wash me hands.
Then my two classes started this week. Art was the something new for this year. I was a little worried after New Year I didn't have something new to add in my life but it all fell into place. I am absolutely jacked after the first night of my art class. what an amazing and talented teacher feeling like I will be able to take my art to the next level. Came home so hyped it was all I could do to settle in for the night. Feeling blessed and peaceful this week.
Now Ms. focus and get back to work lunch break is over and there is still allot to do. :-)
Approaching the season of Lent again at least this year I won't need to add giving up cigarettes to the list. How ironic I considered this a sacrifice when I was smoking just goes to show how brain washed you become as a smoker. I will however be giving up sweets and dessert and that should help with the couple extra pounds I gained since quitting. I look forward to this time of year not just for the giving up of things but for adding things that are meaningful during Lent. I think sometimes that is more purposeful then giving something up. Working on some ways to give back to society this year but I have 24 hours left to think on it. I know I owe a platelet donation so maybe that will be a good start for the season not a favorite act but definitely necessary! Will pray on this.
Was not quite sure how to make a blog but I think this might work.
So Saturday I found myself fondly missing smoking. It was a strange trigger as most people wouldn't agree but the cigarettes I miss the most are the ones after a heavy workout and yes I smoked after heavy exercise, also after serious hiking trips or kayaking adventures. When I was totally exhausted and exhilarated I enjoyed those the most.
Saturday the weather was absolutely beautiful hit the gym for an intense full body work out then went home cleaned the entire house two floors, did a few loads of wash then stopped and felt lost. Normally at this point it would be time to go and sit out side in the sunshine and relax for a bit and yes normally a cigarette would be involved. I went through the whole mental processes of reminding myself you are a non-smoker and yes I am happy I am a non-smoker. Somehow the afternoon felt anticlimactic without the aaaaahhh moment. I tried drinking water, sucking on a mint, taking deep breaths finally I just went and took a shower but it really felt that the day was incomplete. Thankfully Sunday rolled around and off to church which always makes the weekend complete and exercise in the fresh air. I definitely feel that Saturdays are the hardest the good thing is I can exhaust myself to the point the day is over. Now it is Monday and my mind is clear again and so is my resolve. :-)