I am struggling with the desire to smoke. I did not post this under SOS because I am not going to ruin my quit, that is not an option.  I am just stuck in a really bad place and not sure how to get through it.  We all knew things might get harder as we got older but never expected it to be this hard, For me, the turning point was losing my anchors. The people that I loved most. Most would think it is a relief to not have to worry about taking care of others. For me, I feel like I have no purpose.  Time alone, might be fine at first, but then you find that you can't put together some routine that sets your life in balance.  I was always good at that, putting together a schedule that allowed me to work and take care of my family. I had it down to a fine art, keeping the house clean, laundry, groceries and cooking,  I did many things before going to work, came home at lunch to do other things, come home cook dinner and prepare lunches for the following day. Got the son to all sports and school functions.  I guess my whole  point is I did this WHILE I WAS A SMOKER. Why can't I get crap done now?   Now I am here just a whiny old lady that can't get off the couch.

Aww Kris, give yourself a break. Quitting is hard work and exhausting for a lot of us that first year. It's all consuming and physically tiring.

Then throw a pandemic on top of it and it's no wonder you feel like you do.

You need to make yourself get up and go surprise your son with a visit. Or pick up your grandson from school and take him for ice cream. How about volunteering at a soup kitchen or meals on wheels?

Lots of stuff out there to feel needed. Plus you give great support here to everyone 🙂

Edited March 16, 20224 yr by jillar

You are so kind! I won't just pop in on my son out of respect for my daughter in law.  They lived here for about 3 1/2 years to save for their own home.  I have their address but have not been there.  I have been asked but not been there yet crazy as it sounds, that is their place, her place of refuge.  Her home, I will not interfere in that.  That was what my mother in law did for me.  Mind you, I spent every holiday and Sunday at her home.  The rest of the time belonged to me, in my home. That made me feel respected as a wife and mother. It did not affect my feelings to my inlaws, I loved them both very much and was blessed to be a part of the family.

 

My son now lives about 30 minutes away and when they lived here I was taking him to school and bringing him home. I live three houses down from our elementary school.  The little guy and I are great, going to the park, going out to lunch, walking the mall etc. This week he is on spring break and have already called to see if I have any plans (actually my son asked if I had a trip planned to Italy) I am here if they need me. I adore that child, he has been in my life from about 6 months old. No, he is not my son's bio child but he is the world to me.

 

 I do need to find something to get my life balanced it has just been difficult with the pandemic.  Meals on wheels is a great thing buy I can't get to the place I need to be to pick them up.  They also can't promise a route in your geographic area. I have no sense of direction and get lost easily. I also do not have a vehicle that has GPS or a cell phone. I would love to do that is I could pick up and deliver in the area I am familiar with. I also think the people that run the program would not be happy with me. Clients food would not get there on time.  I enjoy older folks and would want to visit. They are lonely just like me.  Maybe a program should be started for just a visit and help with simple things like changing a light bulb, new filters in the heating and cooling unit, take trash to the curb. The worst thing is I do not know how I will feel physically feel everyday. It would be horrible to make a promise to be there and not be able to do it. I just need a list, the Jones need this, the Smiths need this, the Williams need this, if you can get to it this week. 

 

Most days I can't even find the energy to get dressed. Stupid, when I do, I feel so much better.  The cold hard truth is I am not good at being a social person, I am/was fine with work friends and family, I am just not comfortable with strangers. I could manage these things with my husband and at events regarding my son.  Just to go out and make new friends eludes me.  

 

Last thing, I talk too much, did your notice? LOL

Kris, do they have NextDoor or any type of online neighborhood app/forum in your area?  If so, it would be easy to start your own program for helping neighborhood folks with simple things. People could sign up to be on a volunteer list and anyone who needs help with a chore, or whatever, could post what's needed, and available volunteers could respond.  

 

If you're interested, there are always multiple ways to volunteer for dog rescues, from transporting dogs, helping with fundraisers, reference checking for adoptions, to fostering (if your dogs would be open to sharing for a while). Many rescue volunteer opportunities don't require much socializing, and when you do at least you have an interest in common to talk about. 

 

Just a couple of thoughts.  I know the less I have to do (that actually interests me -- laundry doesn't count) the lazier and less motivated I become.  

 

@Kris, just my two cents but times have changed greatly since you were just married. It makes me so sad that your son saved up all those years to buy his first house and you haven't been to see it. 

I know when I bought mine it was such a proud accomplishment. I was thrilled to show people that my hard work paid off. It took getting married for my dad to come back to California to see my house and he was so impressed that they started remodeling their house when they got back to Florida.

Your daughter in law may be thinking you don't approve of her by your refusal to go over there. I would encourage you to at the very least, talk to your son about how he feels. My guess is that he wants his momma to see it......

Im looking at things in a different  view from you  Kris ....

I nursed my sick hubby for so long ,I had lost myself ....I had no time at all for me ...

Now ...this is my time ...

As I have said earlier ..I offer my services to my Son,s family ...they are so happy I help with the house chores once a week ...and it gets me out of the whole of the day ...

Have a little quiet word with him ...otherwise you are only guessing what they want or think ...

Is there a old neighbour ,who could use a little help ..even just company ....

I'm sure there are lots of charities who could use your help...

The biggest hurdle is getting off the couch and making it happen ...

Turn all your negatives in to positives ..I'm sure you have lots to offer ...you just need to find something you would like to do ...

You can do it  Kris ☺️🐸👍

 

Edited March 15, 20224 yr by Doreensfree

Thanks for your emotional honesty, Kris. Feelings of loss and inertia are part of my quit journey, too. Nicotine was not my friend, but it sure pretended to be - and made it easier to stuff my feelings. Every family is different, so I cannot say what yours is like. But I do know that if you yearn to spend time with people you love there are different approaches to doing that in ways that can be accepted, even cherished. I, too, have lost people and places that anchored me. Part of my struggle is accepting that they didn’t complete me, and nicotine didn’t complete me either. I am a whole person who just misses them. One time I went through a terribly sad breakup and was paralyzed with sorrow and anger – I could barely do anything. Getting going again started for me with super small steps. Rather than reading on my couch, I’d go read in a library. Rather than going to my usual grocery store, I’d go to a different one. Etc. One day I startled myself by singing along to the radio in the car, that’s when I realized I was going to be okay. Different, but okay.  

I actually had a surprise drop off this morning.  I was needed for Grandma duty! I will speak to my son about it the fact I have not been to their home.  My DIL does not want my help.  Even when they lived here, she did want my help. She made it clear she could do their laundry, cook their meals.  I backed off of everything to make her feel secure in her role as my son's wife. I love and respect her, I am lucky that my son found her. I could not ask for a better DIL.  She was and is glad for my help with my grandson.

 

I have great neighbors but the older ones have passed.  I have a widow across the street that lost her husband last July.  She is a very private person. I do pick up things that I know she likes when I shop.  I started doing that when her husband became ill.  It was hard for her to get out and about. 

 

I hope now that spring is here I can get motivated to do more.  I have joined our senior center. Hopefully they will have more events now that Covid is slowing down.