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Showing results for tags 'not an sos'.
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So, a few weeks ago I had my 7 month WooHoo celebration (thanks again everyone) and I was feeling all comfy, cosy in my quit. Thought the work was done and I was just biding my time and it was all smooth sailing until that Lido Deck party, even put in some catering requests to Reci for the celebratory event. You see I was going days, nearly weeks without really thinking about smoking let alone wanting one. So I was completely complacent. Then Saturday night... ALL FRICKIN NIGHT.... that voice was back... not the skin crawling, itching, aching I need a smoke... but the we can have a smoke now, just one, it wont hurt. Everything I did... oh good smoke time... it didn't take much to stave off the urge... and they are urges... because I knew them for what they were. Then Sunday... which was a good day for me... was more of the same... random, multiple times throughout the day I got these urges ... some strong some not so... then I was clearing some space in the shed and found a pack of smokes... and I shook it, cos you never know there might have been one in there (wot the ever lovin??) ... and I think if there had of been, I would have, maybe smoked it because... "a few puffs wont hurt now" ... wot the fvck! ... well I probably wouldn't have straight away because I have a promise in place as a contingency but it would have been a close call.... so you all know there are some issues in my life, but this isn't linked to that if it was linked to that the thought process would have been more like "wots the point now you may as well", that thought is not entering my mind at all. This is different. I'm not sure if its the nicobitch having one last big hurrah roll of the dice to get me to feed her again or if its a comeuppance for being so c0cky and thinking I had it under control, for being complacent. So besides that moment in the shed I've been shrugging the urges off... ignoring them.... letting life just keep going with these little blips of subconscious stupidity ... but they are not stopping and quite frankly they are driving me insane. I thought I was past this. Don't get me wrong.. they are annoying, they are not soul consuming like they were in the beginning or even at 5 months but they are pretty regular at the moment. They are driving my mental when they hit. They are stupid. I want it to stop. But each time I shrug one off another will come. Its not like I'm going to smoke because I am not, beside that moment in the shed its not even close to being a consideration. There will be an SOS if it gets to it, this is not that time. I just need to confess and put this out there, hopefully someone further along than me will post and say... Oh yeah, I had that... you just need to ride it out and she'll be right... or by me posting this someone else will see it and think, thank god I'm not the only lunatic in the asylum... but basically its all well and good to show you all the strong, stable quit persona that most of the time I am but it is not OK to act like I'm not still battling with this addiction because that doesn't help anyone, especially me ... so in the interest of honesty and transparency I'm still battling this addiction, because I am a junky, I am an addict, I always will be an addict I am just never going to be a user again. I still make a coffee and drink it and then get, "ok time for a smoke" thoughts... I still walk past the back door and get the "oh lets go out for a smoke" thoughts. Its still happening, and for some reason while not as insistent more often than the past few months. So for most of the day I am super confident in my quit but there are still glitches in the programming where the urge for a smoke will slide on through. It will stop soon... wont it?
