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Death In The West - The Marlboro Story (Full Documentary)

lml

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  1. lml

    3 1/2 weeks - good day

    By lml,

    For me, it seems things have settled down this week and are back to a good balance. Been a wild and crazy couple of weeks. It is a good thing I can laugh at myself. 
     
    This week, I get a thought of going and having a cigarette about 4 or 5 times a day. It usually happens in one of two situations.
     
    One scenario I am intensely engrossed in something I am doing and then accomplish or figure out how to accomplish it. I feel a great sense of accomplishment and am "proud" of myself. And the into my brain pops the though " time for a smoke...you deserve it". So I just tell myself...NOPE!  You got things backwards gurl. What you really deserve is NOT to have one. Got 
    And I laugh at myself and how absurd that thought was.
     
    Another scenario is if I am working in something and hit a roadblock - just can't Figure it out. Thought comes in...ahhh but going and having a cigarette ALWAYS helped you figure things out before. So I just tell myself - NOPE, smoking  not an option anymore. Come on...you know that is stupid. Go for a nice walk, clear your thoughts and see things from a different perspective and you will figure it out. It wasn't the cigarette that helped, it was getting away from it all that helped you figure things out. So I go for a nice walk figure it out. 
     
    But it is not a crave or urge. It is just a thought that pops in quickly, but then vanishes quickly. 
     
    I understand why week 1 is called hell week, week 2 is called heck week and week 3 is called tricky week. 
     
    I don't miss smoking. I dont want to smoke. I like not smoking. 
     
    When i see my smoking buds smoking, i dont think anything of it. When i smell a cigarette, the only thing i worry/wonder about is if the second hand puff will delay my nicotine receptors from going back to normal. I wonder... But i do hope that they too will soon begin to see...
  2. lml
    Is it difficult to quit smoking or is it easy peas? I have read opinions on both sides. Some say it is the most difficult addiction to overcome. Some say it is easy peasy.
     
    For me, so far the answer is YES!
     
    I had heard for years that quitting smoking is more difficult than heroin or cocaine (but I wasn’t a nicotine addict and nicotine wasn’t addictive…hmmm)  I remember hearing this years ago. So of course, my mind was programmed to believe it was going to be extremely difficult. I remember quitting Cold Turkey when I was pregnant many years ago, and I slept for 5 days because I was non-functional. Now I wonder how much of that was quitting smoking or how much as stopping my 4 cups of coffee a day. Before I quit smoking, I was fearful of the withdrawal and doubted that I was going to be able to quit.
     
    Fear and doubt - how did they become part of me? 
     
    I think the mind is the most important/difficult battle – at least it was for me. I had programmed my mind (or let it be programmed -but either way I am fully responsible) that smoking cigarettes was glamorous, cool, relaxing, a big reward for a task/job accomplished; the wonderful and beautiful attributes I had given to my smoking addiction. And before I could really fully want to get rid of this addiction and banish smoking from my life, I had to reprogram my mind.  Before I could reprogram my mind, I had to see and face the lies of wonder and beauty I had associated with smoking. Then I could commence with  replacing those lies with the truth of what smoking was doing to me. I had to see all the negative things that I did because of my addiction and how much control smoking had over me. This was difficult at first; but once it started to unravel and with help of those who had gone this path before me, it went quickly. At that point, I was at peace with myself. A calmness came over. I want no more cigarettes or nicotine in my life. In my mind, there is not one good thing left associated with smoking; yet there are many wonderful things associated with not smoking in my mind. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t easy. Many things in life that are good for you are not easy and requires effort.  But with this reprogramming of my mind regarding cigarettes done, it is much easier to dismiss the thought of having one, when it arises.  When the “want” to smoke unconsciously arises and I bring it into my consciousness it is puzzling to me because Why in the world would I want to smoke a cigarette, now that I know how awful it is and all the wonderful things I would give up if I had just a puff? Our minds are something else.
       
    For me, I think there were craves the first several days being off nicotine but they weren’t physically painful. Bothersome yes, but not what I feared. I was stronger than the craves. Why had I doubted myself?
    I am missing the Dopamine effect, but am hoping that will return to normal (whatever that may be) in a month or so. I am researching a supplement L-tyrosine and may try taking it.
     
    I can see that a deep daily NOPE moment will be critical for the rest of my life, to my remaining free. While I have reprogrammed my conscious thoughts, smoking became a subconscious activity that I did without thinking. So I do think if I do not daily instill NOPE into my subconsciousness, I will relapse. I do not know (yet) how to get smoking out of my subconciousness - time may help some, but I don't know a way of erasing / deleting it as if it never existed (yet). 
     
    I would say that for me, quitting smoking is not as difficult as I feared, but it requires more effort and more change. And change is not always easy. ?
     
    So YES! 
  3. lml

    I am a non-smoker

    By lml,

    I went to the art museum Saturday. For several hours, I immersed myself in the various types of art on display and let it take me away ? .   After I had been there an hour, the thought of going out to have a cigarette interrupted my wonderful experience. And I chuckled to myself…What? Go have a cigarette? I don’t smoke! And poof…the thought disappeared; without a fuss.
     
    How powerful it is: I don’t smoke; I don’t want to smoke!
     
    It is that simple!
     
    Later, I began thinking of all the different museums, in various countries, that I was not able to fully enjoy because all the way through, a part of me was thinking about how I could get out quickly enough to have a cigarette soon. Yet this time, I fully enjoyed the beauty of each piece of art – not just saw it but experienced it, because there was time and nicotine was not controlling me. This is wonderful! I really enjoying this.  
  4. lml

    I am an addict

    By lml,

    So what have I learned so far:
     
    NICOTINE is addictive
    It changed my brain 
    It changed my DNA
    I needed a fix every hour
    It hurt my lungs, my heart, and other body parts
    Cost me a fortune
    Took a lot of my time 
    Controlled much of my life
     
    I spoke to my daughter and she said of course I am addicted to nicotine. She gave me examples and now, what she had been telling me for years now made sense. I was not in control of when I had a cig, it was in control of me. 
     
    Why was I resisting acknowledging that I was an addict? I always "prided" myself with the "fact" that I was in control. Yet, with an addiction, one is not in control. Yet it is obvious to me now, that part of me is out of control. I have given that power and that control to nicotine.  I AM AN ADDICT.
     
    While that was difficult to admit to myself, it was paramount to be able to begin my healing, to come to a place where I really wanted to quit...forever, where I realized the lies I told myself to rationalize my addiction. For now that I know and acknowledge  I am an addict and out of control with this addiction, the choice is for me to leave that part of me out of control or do something about it.
     
    I choose to do something about it. I choose to heal my addicted part and become whole.  I choose to take back the power I gave to my addiction. No more fear. Each time I have the urge to Smoke, I will face and challenge the urge and absorb its power. And before long, I will have accumulated the power over my addiction and the addiction will lose its power over me. I look forward to each urge. I look forward to becoming whole again at to becoming free. 
     
    NOPE
  5. lml
    Ok. So it is the smoking that is making it a "little" difficult for me to breathe. the nicotine is ok...it is all that other stuff i am smoking that is bad.
    I can quit smoking and the nicotine patch will help me not smoke. Good we have such caring big tobacco companies that provide patches and stuff like that. 
     
    My quit date is set. I got the patch. And...i am happy, ready to go!!! Put the patch on and I am off. No problems, no withdrawal, no smoking. I am learning to live without a cigarette, no withdrawal. I knew I wasn't a bad addict. Besides, smoking and nicotine is LEGAL!!! 
     
    Then I join a forum on day 4 of my quit and someone asks me (not mentioning any names...saz)  why I am using an nrt  to put nicotine in my body. Hmmmm. My rationalization abilities are pretty good if I do say so myself. My goal is to quit smoking, the patch will make that easier and take edge off withdrawl. Made perfect sense, right?
     
    But...another crack. I begin googling about nicotine and I begin reading about nicotine receptors in my brain that have hijacked my  normal receptors. What?   And these nicotine receptors demand nicotine; if you supply the nicotine you relax and can focus and get dopamine, if you don't you get increasingly more irritable and stressed. No dopamine.  What? You mean the nicotine receptors caused me to get stressed and irritable? when I had a cigarette, it appeased the nico receptors for about 1/2 hour. Ahhh I was relaxed and happy. But then the nicotine receptors would demand a fix again. What a vicious cycle. 
     
    Ok. Nicotine is addictive...but I am not an ADDICT. Well, not a "bad" addict. I'll just take off the patch. Yes, i am afraid of the big bad withdrawl. I am in fear of what will happen. But, Saz says I am stronger than a crave.
     
    At this point, i was Beginning to think maybe..no way...could I really be an addict? What does that really mean?
     
     
  6. lml

    Overview

    By lml,

    After much reading and much advice, I understand there is a method or process to become free, to become whole, to heal from an addiction. While I no longer want to smoke and have made the commitment to myelf never to take another puff, I also want to heal in all areas. So from this moment on, I am taking full responsibility for any choice I make; I will lead a conscious and caring life. With each crave I overcome, I will regain inner power i have  unconciously given away to my addiction. Yes, each time I grow stronger and it grows weaker. This will be one interesting journey and strangely enough, I am looking forward to it.
  7. lml

    Me an addict?

    By lml,

    While this is so obvious to me now, a couple weeks ago I the thought never entered my mind.
     
    I smoked since I was 15 and I am now almost 65; I graduated from college, have a successful business career, raised a wonderful daughter, was a good mother and wife, was married for 35 years, etc. 
     
    See, I didn't have to Smoke, I enjoyed smoking. I liked it. I could quit IF I wanted to, but why would I want to? It released my stress, calmed me Down, helped me maintain my edge in being a quick thinker and I liked smoking...it did me no harm. 
     
    For 50 years, I rationalized my addiction and clothed it in beauty and gave it so many wonderful attributes, I really believed smoking was beneficial to me.
     
    I don't really know how or why, at this time in my life, a crack in my rationalization occurred and from there, all my wonderful rationalization began to unravel, stich after stitch, thread after thread.
     
    It all started because I wanted to breathe better on my next vacation, climbing up the mountainous stairs to various places in Japan. 
     Ok, doing good on incline on treadmill to prepare for next year, but...darn breathng
     Was taking a long time to improve. So I decied
     Not to Smoke until I got up to 5 miles, incline 10, speed 3 mph for  3 miles. That was the first crack...wait did I just admit to myself that smoking was causing me harm? Was it impacting my breathing?
     
    So I set a quit date and the closer the date got the more panicky I became. Oh dear me, I was fearful of the withdrawal and thought I was too weak to quit on my own. But never fear, nicotine would help me get through it.
     
    Now everything in my rationalization of smoking came tumbling down. 
     
     

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