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Jillar, I have been spending a lot of my time looking back at my life. I suffered anxiety from a very young age. My Dad died when I was 3 years old. I do not have any memories of him. I do feel that something happened that scarred me for life. There had to something that caused my panic attacks. Back then in the 1960s I don't think doctors had a clue. They did not know what was happening or how to help me. So we went along, me doing the best I could with this terrible fear of everything. I still have this happen once in awhile. that feeling where you can't breathe, you get hot all over, you are dizzy, and need to throw up. I went through therapy before my son was born, I did not want my child to go through this. i did want them to see me struggle with normal life. I was successful, he had a normal life, a normal Mom, Some of it was hard for me but I was able to hide it from him. I must admit that I am tired, i have no strength left to deal with my anxiety. At this point I am okay with it. I am happy, calm and peaceful. It is such a great relief to let these things go and look to the future. d

Boy, I really outed myself there. I think when we quit smoking, we look back, we take the time to really look at who we are. It is not a pleasant thing to do. I see many things I need to correct, to take care of myself. I need to stop giving my life away to take care of others. I have come to realize that I thought I had to take care of everyone, make sure they were happy, that they could go forward with their dreams and goals. That whole time I was the invisable person that kept the whole thing going. I was the cook. the maid, the nanny, the teacher,the nurse, the gardener, the party planner, the personal shopper, the driver and everything else. I have come to the conclusion that none of it mattered, No one is thankful or grateful, no one knows how hard I worked year after year. I did all of this and worked a full time job. No one ever thanked me. So now it is going to be all about me. I will quit smoking, I will get my eating and drinking under control. I will learn to say NO, I can't fix your problems, I have to fix my own. K