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I went to the art museum Saturday. For several hours, I immersed myself in the various types of art on display and let it take me away ? . After I had been there an hour, the thought of going out to have a cigarette interrupted my wonderful experience. And I chuckled to myself…What? Go have a cigarette? I don’t smoke! And poof…the thought disappeared; without a fuss. How powerful it is: I don’t smoke; I don’t want to smoke! It is that simple! Later, I began thinking of all the different museums, in various countries, that I was not able to fully enjoy because all the way through, a part of me was thinking about how I could get out quickly enough to have a cigarette soon. Yet this time, I fully enjoyed the beauty of each piece of art – not just saw it but experienced it, because there was time and nicotine was not controlling me. This is wonderful! I really enjoying this.

So what have I learned so far: NICOTINE is addictive It changed my brain It changed my DNA I needed a fix every hour It hurt my lungs, my heart, and other body parts Cost me a fortune Took a lot of my time Controlled much of my life I spoke to my daughter and she said of course I am addicted to nicotine. She gave me examples and now, what she had been telling me for years now made sense. I was not in control of when I had a cig, it was in control of me. Why was I resisting acknowledging that I was an addict? I always "prided" myself with the "fact" that I was in control. Yet, with an addiction, one is not in control. Yet it is obvious to me now, that part of me is out of control. I have given that power and that control to nicotine. I AM AN ADDICT. While that was difficult to admit to myself, it was paramount to be able to begin my healing, to come to a place where I really wanted to quit...forever, where I realized the lies I told myself to rationalize my addiction. For now that I know and acknowledge I am an addict and out of control with this addiction, the choice is for me to leave that part of me out of control or do something about it. I choose to do something about it. I choose to heal my addicted part and become whole. I choose to take back the power I gave to my addiction. No more fear. Each time I have the urge to Smoke, I will face and challenge the urge and absorb its power. And before long, I will have accumulated the power over my addiction and the addiction will lose its power over me. I look forward to each urge. I look forward to becoming whole again at to becoming free. NOPE

Ok. So it is the smoking that is making it a "little" difficult for me to breathe. the nicotine is ok...it is all that other stuff i am smoking that is bad. I can quit smoking and the nicotine patch will help me not smoke. Good we have such caring big tobacco companies that provide patches and stuff like that. My quit date is set. I got the patch. And...i am happy, ready to go!!! Put the patch on and I am off. No problems, no withdrawal, no smoking. I am learning to live without a cigarette, no withdrawal. I knew I wasn't a bad addict. Besides, smoking and nicotine is LEGAL!!! Then I join a forum on day 4 of my quit and someone asks me (not mentioning any names...saz) why I am using an nrt to put nicotine in my body. Hmmmm. My rationalization abilities are pretty good if I do say so myself. My goal is to quit smoking, the patch will make that easier and take edge off withdrawl. Made perfect sense, right? But...another crack. I begin googling about nicotine and I begin reading about nicotine receptors in my brain that have hijacked my normal receptors. What? And these nicotine receptors demand nicotine; if you supply the nicotine you relax and can focus and get dopamine, if you don't you get increasingly more irritable and stressed. No dopamine. What? You mean the nicotine receptors caused me to get stressed and irritable? when I had a cigarette, it appeased the nico receptors for about 1/2 hour. Ahhh I was relaxed and happy. But then the nicotine receptors would demand a fix again. What a vicious cycle. Ok. Nicotine is addictive...but I am not an ADDICT. Well, not a "bad" addict. I'll just take off the patch. Yes, i am afraid of the big bad withdrawl. I am in fear of what will happen. But, Saz says I am stronger than a crave. At this point, i was Beginning to think maybe..no way...could I really be an addict? What does that really mean?

After much reading and much advice, I understand there is a method or process to become free, to become whole, to heal from an addiction. While I no longer want to smoke and have made the commitment to myelf never to take another puff, I also want to heal in all areas. So from this moment on, I am taking full responsibility for any choice I make; I will lead a conscious and caring life. With each crave I overcome, I will regain inner power i have unconciously given away to my addiction. Yes, each time I grow stronger and it grows weaker. This will be one interesting journey and strangely enough, I am looking forward to it.